Worried For Older Sister.

[TragicAlliance]

Hi,

 

I'm not sure how to proceed with this situation I've found myself in.

 

After returning to America after spending the last 6 months in England, I've found myself being unwelcome at my mother's house (as she wanted to ask me questions I did not yet have answers to and she was unwilling to let me get the answers for her over a course of days) and relocated to live with my older sister and her 18-month-old daughter. I thought this would be a great thing for everyone involved - I could reconnect with my sister (who is 15 years older than me and we didn't have a great relationship growing up) and help her overcome her depression, plus I could help with my niece. And it was going great until a few nights ago.

 

You see, the father of my niece was in jail for drug charges and domestic abuse. He has beaten my sister repeatedly, and I've seen the scars and actually rescued her from him one time. He has a serious drug problem and is also bipolar. He has tried to convince me to do drugs with him (I am a recovering addict myself, clean for over a year now. My sister refused to believe this accusation and chose to believe his denial over my crying and outrage.) and has made flirtatious advances at me. He used to stalk my sister and violated a protective order she had on him. The other night he started blowing up my sister's phone, begging her to pawn her car title or something to get him out. She refused... but his mother put up collateral, and now he's out again. Since then, my sister and her my niece hardly ever come home, as they are staying with him (he's living with his mother) and end up spending the night together. I feel like I, more or less, am living in this house by myself nowadays.

 

However, my concern lies mostly with my sister and niece. While my sister claims this guy loves my niece (she's not biologically his, but he signed her birth certificate) to death, I still worry what might happen should he decide to relapse, which I'm certain is going to happen with time. I'm terrified what he might do to my sister as well. She wouldn't let anything hurt her daughter, but what if he came after her again? He finally explained that the reason he went to ballistic about calling everyone to get him out was, "No reason, I just wanted out." It's infuriating, especially after all the money he's sucked from his mother and my sister with his habits. I have no clue why his mother bailed him out, I hear she isn't speaking to him and has yelled at him profusely.

 

My other concern is that he knows I'm living in my sister's house, and he knows where that is. Deep down, I have a tiny sense of fear that's always ticking in the back of my head, especially given his past and my own. But at the same time I feel like maybe I could be like a saving grace for my sister... that maybe he wouldn't hurt her again because then there'd be a witness to testify against him. He's gotten quite a criminal record and might be able to be put away for life if he keeps messing up.

 

My sister has asked me not to tell the family that he's out, because that would make them mad (plus I'd have to move out of her house because my family has made it clear they do NOT want me near this man) and it would cause a lot of drama.

 

I don't know what to do. I see this going nowhere but bad for my sister, and I would like to know if there are any possible solutions out there I can try... My sister and I had a rough relationship as kids due to our 15-year difference in age - in fact, I didn't know she existed until I was 13. But since that day, I've been enjoying rebuilding that bond and getting to know her. I love her to death and am terrified something's going to happen to her. Please advise...

Edited October 2, 2013 by TragicAlliance

[darkmoon]

this is not your problem, talk to her once about your fears, then respect her decision

[It's Just Me]

Time to get a job, find your own place, and let other people's drama be theirs. Welcome to the Not My Problem Awards. And adulthood. Go, girl.

[SameMistakes]

I understand your concern for your older sister and your desire to be her "saving grace" but I think it's a very precarious situation for you personally. You should realize from your past experiences with her that she will likely choose him over you (whether out of fear or "love" or just habit) and end up resenting you.

 

I don't even know you but it concerns me for this man to be around you. People like that will do everything they can to bring others down to make themselves feel better and I can see how you would be a prime target for him.

 

Your sister is not your responsibility and you can do her no good by yourself being mixed up with him. I think you need to put distance between yourself and her (be there for her and your niece but do not actively involve yourself in their relationship). You have to take care of yourself or you cannot help her at all. It might even help to tell your family so they can be another safeguard for you.