DDay today

[ladydesigner]

Originally Posted by Ruffian1 Your H wasn't stalking. He was gathering evidence. If he did not have hard evidence you would have denied and gas-lighted him and you and MOM would have told his BW he was crazy, paranoid, etc. very typical response. You think he was deceitful by gathering evidence behind you back, angry that he accomplished it and now you cannot lie to him about the TRUTH.

 

You have just been staying with him (H) for the kids?? Is that fair to him?? Why did you not just tell him you don't love him and let him free to find someone just like you did? The kids?? It's called visitation, co-parenting, he can't keep them from you.

 

He is MIA because he has had time to decide what he wants to do, and maybe he don't feel like talking to you about it right now. Let hem go lick his wounds.

 

Then you need to tell him you don't want to be married to him anymore and begin D. Then you can go be happy with MOM or whoever.

 

This is the perfect opportunity for MOM to leave his BW for you.

I hope he doesn't keep trying to stay with is W and keep his A with you now. Not fair to her. Just sayin .

So true! My WH did this to me on DDay, but I still exposed and when I found out I was in False R well let's just say the floodgates were open and I told everyone. They were both mortified, but my WH at least began to see the craziness he was putting me through.

 

I still do not regret it. I believe it helped save our M.

[underwater2010]

Quote:

Originally Posted by underwater2010

Hahahahaha....she is sleeping with the enemy. Are you speaking of her husband or the MOM.

Her soon to be ex husband.

 

Not surprised....so prior he would have been called clueless and naïve. But because he has exposed both parties for what they are he is the ENEMY. Everybody run and hide now.

 

Quote:

Seriously...I am pretty sure if he wanted to do something and get away with it he would have done it already. Her husband is being very calm and calculated. In other words....very SMART.

Creepy is the word that comes to my mind.

 

Creepy because he told the BW? Creepy because he talked with the MOM? Creepy because he busted them with hard core proof? Creepy because he waited to confront rather than face being lied to even more?

 

Was it creepy when she was sneaking around behind his back? Was it creepy that he trusted her to take her vows seriously? Was it creepy when he sat back and told himself he was going crazy, no way she would ever do that?

 

 

Quote:

And may I ask if you would have called her the enemy if her husband was posting instead?

Yes, if a man was disturbed by his wife's stealthy poker face & concerned about what she might do to him while he's sleeping, I'd say the exact same thing.

 

The funny thing about all this is she is scared because she no longer makes all the calls. He has taken that power away from her. She now has to sit back and wonder who else will know or if he is going to divorce her. She has not spoken about any prior abuse. In fact it seems as though she is shocked by his calm demeanor. Maybe because we here about BS going ballistic, that is what she was expecting. But I hardly see any reason to call him the enemy now.

[ladydesigner]

Quote:

Originally Posted by underwater2010 The funny thing about all this is she is scared because she no longer makes all the calls. He has taken that power away from her. She now has to sit back and wonder who else will know or if he is going to divorce her. She has not spoken about any prior abuse. In fact it seems as though she is shocked by his calm demeanor. Maybe because we here about BS going ballistic, that is what she was expecting. But I hardly see any reason to call him the enemy now.

 

This is why some WS get angry on Dday. Usually anger is really a deep seated fear so I am sure the loss of power comes as a huge blow to the WS just as their infidelity is a blow to the BS on DDay. The WS holds all the cards before Dday. On Dday they all fall down with the right amount of evidence.

[ComingInHot]

Ladydesigner wrote, "The WS holds all the cards before Dday. On Dday they all fall down with the right amount of evidence. "

 

THANK YOU!! My fWH was Freaked beyond Rational thought when his past A was brought to my attention. It was (okay maybe not at the time, but looking back) almost Comical the way HE Freaked.

I was pretty calm actually which I think Scared him even more.

I didn't shed one tear in front of him nor while I packed his belongings and gingerly set them on the front porch.

 

He CHOSE to Cheat. He had the cards and the control.

He got BUSTED. Lost Control. I Kicked Him Out.

 

Now, today, we are stronger than ever and really happy*

 

Should he cheat again, It will be the last time he does so... on me.**

[maybemine]

maybemine, how are you doing today? Did your husband come back?

 

You said that your H also cheated, do you have evidence of this. He will probably try to use your affair in the divorce and you should have your own proof also, as well as any abusive behavior.

 

I do agree with the posters that said you need to put OMM on the back burner or forget about him altogether. If he was going to be with you he would have already left his wife, instead he's attempting to work it out with her.

 

The difference between this forum and the others is here you get different perspectives. It's important and healthy to get advice other than what you want to hear to make better informed decisions. Take what you want and discard the rest.

yes he came back, he just told me that he loves me, and hasn't really said any more...MOM called me today just to reinterate that I need to delete any contact that we have or pictures ect. I might have of him. I told him how I'm feeling and told him I need him right now and his response was I just need some space right now. I didn't get the impression that he cared for me anymore. He was being polite but there was no feeling. Feeling crushed and confused this morning. On another note my BH caught me crying today and came to comfort me....This has become a confusing shock to me.

[Goodbye]

Well, if your H cheated on you in the past, perhaps he is more understanding than the average BS?

 

I'm glad you are doing ok...within reason.

[AlwaysGrowing]

The MM, asked you to delete evidence. He is concerned about losing his wife and children. That is all.

 

Go back and read what you said about your husband and the mm? How true is any of it today? Was what you wrote really true to begin with? Or were they assumptions you made?

[maybemine]

I did tell my BH that I'm not in love with him anymore and that I plan to leave. He said that he still loves me...

[threelaurels]

yes he came back, he just told me that he loves me, and hasn't really said any more...MOM called me today just to reinterate that I need to delete any contact that we have or pictures ect. I might have of him. I told him how I'm feeling and told him I need him right now and his response was I just need some space right now. I didn't get the impression that he cared for me anymore. He was being polite but there was no feeling. Feeling crushed and confused this morning. On another note my BH caught me crying today and came to comfort me....This has become a confusing shock to me.

 

OM has been lying to his wife about happened. He's minimizing the seriousness of his relationship with you. He wants any evidence that proves otherwise gone for good. It sounds very much like he is planning to reconcile with his wife, not leave her. The only way you will probably be with him again is through an affair. Right now, the door is open and he has the perfect opportunity to walk out. Yet, he's staying inside the house with her.

 

When did you fall out of love with your husband? Before or after the affair started?

 

Your husband sounds like a very strong man. I don't think I know anyone who would have the strength to comfort the woman he loves while she is crying over the loss of another man.

[maybemine]

The MM, asked you to delete evidence. He is concerned about losing his wife and children. That is all.

 

Go back and read what you said about your husband and the mm? How true is any of it today? Was what you wrote really true to begin with? Or were they assumptions you made?

I'm seeing that everything MOM told me had to have been false. My feelings for MOM were very real and true. Yes MOM appears to just care about what he did to his BS. MOM even asked me if his wife somehow contact me if I could tell her we didn't sleep together and that it was just a texting affair...all the time we spent together and the feelings shared, I'm shocked. I can admit I was wrong about MOM and BH.

[maybemine]

OM has been lying to his wife about happened. He's minimizing the seriousness of his relationship with you. He wants any evidence that proves otherwise gone for good. It sounds very much like he is planning to reconcile with his wife, not leave her. The only way you will probably be with him again is through an affair. Right now, the door is open and he has the perfect opportunity to walk out. Yet, he's staying inside the house with her.

 

When did you fall out of love with your husband? Before or after the affair started?

 

Your husband sounds like a very strong man. I don't think I know anyone who would have the strength to comfort the woman he loves while she is crying over the loss of another man.

Minimizing our relationship is an understatement he wants to act like I was nothing more than a computer screen or phone text to him. It hurts but I'm moving on from A from this point on. I fell out of love with my husband a couple years ago, long before the affair started. BS never showed interest in our relationship, I'm honestly seeing a side of him ive never seen...I'm so confused.

[threelaurels]

Not quite. If you're cheating on me & I find out, YOU'RE the first person I'm going to talk to -- not those other people since YOU'RE the one who cheated on me.

 

He contacted the other BS, not the MM. Why is it creepy for him to tell her that her husband is cheating?

 

There is no point in confronting if you don't have evidence, because most WS go into damage control mode, lie, and start lying low until they think they're in the clear again.

 

Also, you often need to have either a third party witness or objective evidence like photographs to prove adultery in court. He might have hired a PI or took pictures on the advice of his lawyer. The stronger the evidence of the affair he has is, the more it will help him in court.

[stillafool]

.

 

It sounds very much like he is planning to reconcile with his wife, not leave her.

 

 

No, he is probably trying to reconcile with his wife and she may still file for divorce. He's doing everything possible to prevent that. The fog for him has cleared. OP aren't you planning on leaving your husband? It is good that he is being reasonable with you which should make your transition easier.

[ForeverHopeful1]

Not quite. If you're cheating on me & I find out, YOU'RE the first person I'm going to talk to -- not those other people since YOU'RE the one who cheated on me. That other person owes me nothing, is persona non grata, a non entity as far as I am concerned.

 

 

 

Creepy because he's living a lie at home. The man she cheated on her husband with cared enough to say, heads up, word is out!

 

Wait, wait, friggin wait..... HE IS LIVING A LIE AT HOME?????? Give me a god damn break.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Time to get yourself into IC. For YOU. Sifting through so much dysfunction will not be easy.

 

You seem less frantic than you were yesterday, that is good.

[threelaurels]

Minimizing our relationship is an understatement he wants to act like I was nothing more than a computer screen or phone text to him. It hurts but I'm moving on from A from this point on. I fell out of love with my husband a couple years ago, long before the affair started. BS never showed interest in our relationship, I'm honestly seeing a side of him ive never seen...I'm so confused.

 

Have you considered seeing a MC with your H? That sounds like the next step for you. Even if your final decision is to divorce your H, the counselor can help you keep communications open and develop the best co-parenting relationship possible.

 

You should also consider seeing an IC to help you with all these changes that have happened and will be happening over the next few months.

[threelaurels]

What business is it of his? That's between those people. It does nothing but amp up drama.

 

Her husband kinda made it his business when he started banging his wife. Telling his wife was the right and moral thing to do. You know, the whole "do onto others as you would want done unto you" thing. Most people don't want to be kept in the dark about something if it means being lied to every day and exposed to STIs that could one day kill them if left untreated.

[Owl]

What business is it of his? That's between those people. It does nothing but amp up drama.

 

Not true.

 

It gives the other betrayed party the same options to make informed decisions that he had. Given his situation, he might well feel sympathy/empathy for the other person being decieved...and so telling her gave her equal footing to make choices from.

 

If he decides to reconcile, having the other BS aware of the affair can also help put an end to the affair by creating more pressure on the affair partners to end it. (Now, I get you don't like that idea...but it's a valid method whether you emotionally approve it or not)

 

It can set the stage for much needed changes on all four fronts here.

 

It's not just a drama play. It's a useful tool to enact needed change. And note...it WORKED!!!

 

Thought I'd add...there's nothing creepy about his gathering of what went on, either.

 

Some folks feel he invaded her privacy...what he DID was destroyed her SECRECY.

 

As previously stated, had he not gethered sufficient 'proof'...she'd have played him off. Don't deny it...we've seen it ad nauseum on this board. She'd have told him what she needed to in order to continue the deception.

 

What he did was do this the RIGHT way. He gathered irrefutable proof, he provided it to the other betrayed party, and at this point, he's probably trying to plan out his next steps.

 

If she felt he was "creepy" for gathering that information, she probably should have divorced him so as not to give him incentive to do so...or not engaged in activity that was embarassing for her to have 'seen' by him and/or MOM's wife.

[Cali408]

Did he love you and the affair you had? Yes

Is he trying to save his skin at home by minimizing the relationship? Yes

Should you be sad? Yes

 

How was your marriage before you started? Was your husband abusive?

I know you are broken hearted and thought he was going to leave everything and run off in to the sunset.

 

If you love your affair partner as much as you say, leave him alone. No contact. He needs to pick up the pieces in his marriage. You have been extremely selfish. i was too. I wanted to beat the daylights out of my ap's husband when he told my wife. But a few years later? Can I blame him? I was in the EXACT same situation as you.

 

I wasn't leaving my wife and kids. Neither is he. I know the right advice is to tell everything, but when it goes down, you're so frightened that you'll lose everything, you try to minimize. It's survival for him, and right now he is only thinking about himself.

 

As Pierre says, women want to leave, men won't. You need to decide for yourself whether you want to be married or not. And that's being by yourself. You leave a marriage because it is irreconcilable. Not for someone else.

 

Accept that the situation is hopeless and end it. Take the power yourself. It's going to be horrible, but the sooner you accept it and let go, the better you will feel.

 

You have hurt your husband by cheating on him and then saying you're not in love with him. You better address your issues toward him.

[underwater2010]

I'm seeing that everything MOM told me had to have been false. My feelings for MOM were very real and true. Yes MOM appears to just care about what he did to his BS. MOM even asked me if his wife somehow contact me if I could tell her we didn't sleep together and that it was just a texting affair...all the time we spent together and the feelings shared, I'm shocked. I can admit I was wrong about MOM and BH.

Do your husband, yourself and his BW one small favor....do NOT lie anymore. If she calls answer her honestly and if she gets angry etc end the call. But do not lie!!!!

 

That irked me to no end. Its over and out in the open....why continue to lie about it all?

[underwater2010]

Not quite. If you're cheating on me & I find out, YOU'RE the first person I'm going to talk to -- not those other people since YOU'RE the one who cheated on me. That other person owes me nothing, is persona non grata, a non entity as far as I am concerned.

 

The logic of a cheater and their AP astounds me at times. Let me get this straight. I find out my spouse is cheating. Take the time to find out with whom and all the gory details. But when push comes to shove I should only address my cheating spouse and believe that everything he tells me is the truth. And that this "non entity" just happened to be there as he masturbated, because lets face it if you don't have a partner then you go it alone. This "non entity" just happened to participate in a deception but should be able to go about the merry little way when crap hits the fan.

 

Please do not insult us. The other BS (if there is one) deserves to know just as much as I do. As a BS we get to chose whether or not we want to continue the marriage after such a sham is perpetrated on us. We have every right to make sure that the affair is exposed. You do not like then do not cheat. Period.

 

Creepy because he's living a lie at home. The man she cheated on her husband with cared enough to say, heads up, word is out!

 

He is living a lie at home because, his spouse created that lie. And your right her AP cared enough to give a heads up. Funny how he is now covering her butt and running for cover. How is that for love and caring.

 

see bolded

[underwater2010]

What business is it of his? That's between those people. It does nothing but amp up drama.

Actually it became all four of theirs business when the affair began. Game is over. Everyone knows.

[Goodbye]

I'm seeing that everything MOM told me had to have been false. My feelings for MOM were very real and true. Yes MOM appears to just care about what he did to his BS. MOM even asked me if his wife somehow contact me if I could tell her we didn't sleep together and that it was just a texting affair...all the time we spent together and the feelings shared, I'm shocked. I can admit I was wrong about MOM and BH.

 

 

Yes probably. He is probably doing massive damage control and once his wife is no longer vigilant he'll start contacting you again. How will you handle it if his W contacts you?

 

I'm glad you were honest with your H about your feelings for him. How long ago was his affair? Was that when your feelings for him changed? I think you should just put your cards on the table about your A. Be upfront now, and diplomatic. Do you have evidence of his A?

[underwater2010]

That is extremely creepy, & his actions are misdirected particularly in light of the fact that he didn't talk to his own wife first. Worry about your own house.

 

If the other MOM hadn't stepped foot into his marriage first it wouldn't be an issue. But he did. And trust me when I say that this BH is worrying about his own house!!!

 

 

That's like killing roaches one by one instead of taking a more comprehensive overhaul/approach. There will always be someone else for certain people. Just because you stop one affair is no insurance toward the future if there's a a fundamental flaw, perhaps, in the primary relationship.

 

Oh he is not killing them one by one....he blew the crap out of this affair. I am sure he will not be blindsided by another!!! And he will deal with a second should it ever arise.

 

If you want to know the flaw, perhaps you should ask the thread starter.

 

 

see bolded.

[underwater2010]

I'm saying get the proof, confront your partner, & move forward. Don't go getting into other people's business.

I don't understand how you are not getting the fact that the other household became his business when the affair started. He did not randomly butt his head into their relationship. He simply made sure that there are two sets of eyes instead of one.