DDay today

[Journee]

I'm saying get the proof, confront your partner, & move forward. Don't go getting into other people's business.

 

Why is it that the BS is expected to act with discretion just because the AP' s lurk in the darkness and lies. You don't get to cause this kind of pain then cry foul. Too bad , so sad.

 

The ship has sailed with that in this thread anyhow. BH let rip. OP can't focus on that as her MOM left her twisting in the wind enlisting her to help him settle his wife.

 

OP you have so much going on right now.

Was your affair a revenge affair?

[ladydesigner]

I'm saying get the proof, confront your partner, & move forward. Don't go getting into other people's business.

 

I get into other people's business when they get into mine. That's just how I roll.

[ladydesigner]

That's like killing roaches one by one instead of taking a more comprehensive overhaul/approach. There will always be someone else for certain people. Just because you stop one affair is no insurance toward the future if there's a a fundamental flaw, perhaps, in the primary relationship.

 

 

I don't know about that, I think I got the one mother roach I needed to get and that was my WH, MOW was just part of the fallout. It wasn't pretty for any of us, but I can say if I ever experienced another DDay again I would do it exactly the same way and then leave.

[cif]

yes he came back, he just told me that he loves me, and hasn't really said any more...MOM called me today just to reinterate that I need to delete any contact that we have or pictures ect. I might have of him. I told him how I'm feeling and told him I need him right now and his response was I just need some space right now. I didn't get the impression that he cared for me anymore. He was being polite but there was no feeling. Feeling crushed and confused this morning. On another note my BH caught me crying today and came to comfort me....This has become a confusing shock to me.

 

((((Hugs))))

I'm so sorry that OMM turned out to be a classic POS. The nerve of him asking you to lie to his W... i hope that in the event she does contact you that you tell her everything. Don't hold back and forward proof if necessary!

 

Your husband sound sounds like he wants to reconcile. Is there a chance you two would go to counseling to work on your marriage? Even if in the end you decide to D at least you'll have worked through this trauma to be better parents togther.

 

Personally, i think this is an excellent chance for you to give your husband another chance.it's awful that things had to get so bad but you never know, some good could come out of this terrible situation.

[2sunny]

So your H is willing to work at changing the M?

 

 

Are you willing to sift through your delusions and denial about the OM - enough to understand whether or not you intend to build a new, solid and healthy M based on honesty, respect and trust?

 

Either you want to or you don't. Which is it?

[imtooconfused]

yes he came back, he just told me that he loves me, and hasn't really said any more...MOM called me today just to reinterate that I need to delete any contact that we have or pictures ect. I might have of him. I told him how I'm feeling and told him I need him right now and his response was I just need some space right now. I didn't get the impression that he cared for me anymore. He was being polite but there was no feeling. Feeling crushed and confused this morning. On another note my BH caught me crying today and came to comfort me....This has become a confusing shock to me.

 

I can only imagine what a confusing situation this is for you. My sincere advice is to get individual counseling. Not couples counseling because it's way too early for that. You will really need to sort out all the things that have happened to you in the last few days. This site (or any other site) is not the right place to sort out your feelings and it's not helpful to anyone around you until you can sort those things out.

[ComingInHot]

Originally Posted by Nunya I'm saying get the proof, confront your partner, & move forward. Don't go getting intoothers business...

 

 

MY HUSBAND IS MY BUSINESS. IF SOMEONE'S BANGING MY HUSBAND, THEY HAVE MADE THEMSELVES MY BUSINESS AND ANYONE THEY ARE INVOLVED WITH IF I SEE FIT.

 

If you don't want me interfering in Your business then stay the "F*ck" out of Mine.

 

(She wrote respectfully)

[2sure]

Your husband had some suspicions, couldn't put his finger on what was wrong.

So he started looking and became sure you were having an affair.

 

He was probably floored and didn't know what to do. So, he went on line to look for advice. Nearly every site talking to BS tells them that the procedure is to get solid proof and to stop the affair via exposure. So, that's what he did. And he managed to do it calmly.

 

I didn't say anything right away, knowing it would all pan out anyway...but I thought it very telling that your MM was encouraging YOU to get an apartment while HE worked on his marriage for a bit. How convenient.

 

You said you wanted to end your marriage. But a crisis like this is a turning point. It's an opportunity for change. You might decide to divorce ... or you might decide to change your marriage.

 

You and your husband are finally at least reading the same book.

[maybemine]

Why is it that the BS is expected to act with discretion just because the AP' s lurk in the darkness and lies. You don't get to cause this kind of pain then cry foul. Too bad , so sad.

 

The ship has sailed with that in this thread anyhow. BH let rip. OP can't focus on that as her MOM left her twisting in the wind enlisting her to help him settle his wife.

 

OP you have so much going on right now.

Was your affair a revenge affair?

no it wasn't a revenge affair. Mom has contacted me both days...I asked him to tell me if he doesn't care to tell me so I can move on. He refused to answer and got off quickly. My husband and I don't communicate affectively that's the problem.

[maybemine]

Bh wants to reconcile. He told me he'll do whatever it takes and be what I need him to be...Its just to little to late. I'm afraid he'll be the same person I resented in just a couple months.

[bentleychic]

Bh wants to reconcile. He told me he'll do whatever it takes and be what I need him to be...Its just to little to late. I'm afraid he'll be the same person I resented in just a couple months.

What's a few more months, though, in the grand scheme of things? Maybe if you guys go to MC and IC and work through these issues, it would be worth it? AND if not, you both know that you've given it your all, for yourself and for your children and even if you do not continue to be married, you've done all that you can. There's nothing saying that if you give it a few months and things don't change, you have to stay. There's no time limit/expiration date. You are free to leave at any time, but in a marriage of several years with children involved, why not at least give it another go? (Providing there is no abuse involved and you are not truly scared for your safety or that of your children.)

 

This sort of sounds like it may have been an "exit affair" for you, though which seem to be more common with women, from everything I've seen here.

[maybemine]

Yes probably. He is probably doing massive damage control and once his wife is no longer vigilant he'll start contacting you again. How will you handle it if his W contacts you?

 

I'm glad you were honest with your H about your feelings for him. How long ago was his affair? Was that when your feelings for him changed? I think you should just put your cards on the table about your A. Be upfront now, and diplomatic. Do you have evidence of his A?

I'm conflicted as to what to do if his wife asks. I don't want him to lose the life he's made with his children. But it sickens me he wants me to pretend I meant nothing. My H A was 6 years ago. I was pregnant at the time, and yes that's when everything changed. I spoke with the woman.

[maybemine]

What's a few more months, though, in the grand scheme of things? Maybe if you guys go to MC and IC and work through these issues, it would be worth it? AND if not, you both know that you've given it your all, for yourself and for your children and even if you do not continue to be married, you've done all that you can. There's nothing saying that if you give it a few months and things don't change, you have to stay. There's no time limit/expiration date. You are free to leave at any time, but in a marriage of several years with children involved, why not at least give it another go? (Providing there is no abuse involved and you are not truly scared for your safety or that of your children.)

 

This sort of sounds like it may have been an "exit affair" for you, though which seem to be more common with women, from everything I've seen here.

I didn't intend to end my marriage or get caught when I started wasn't happy at home and mom made me happy.

[lollipopspot]

maybemine, I'm glad you've continued to post.

 

So many nasty and unhelpful posts in this thread - they seem to serve no purpose but to let the poster take out their rage at some unresolved feelings or situation in their own lives. I don't think I would have come back after the first few pages, if I were you.

 

I have never cheated on anyone, but I have been cheated on. I did hate the OW. But I'm also aware that affairs don't tend to happen in healthy relationships. It was probably time for my relationship to end, and neither one of us was able to do it directly, so he had an affair. We split up. When I came to understand it, I accepted it, I forgave it, and my ex-partner is a good friend today.

 

I think life is less black and white than many people see it as. If someone "checks out" emotionally from the relationship, if they are abusive in some way, if they are any number of things that contribute to a less than healthy relationship, then they are part of the unhealthy dynamic that damaged the relationship. I don't condone affairs in any way, but I think that they can often be understood better in the context of a relationship that wasn't working, rather than as one selfish individual who decided to tank the relationship (as many here seem to see them).

[2sunny]

I'm conflicted as to what to do if his wife asks. I don't want him to lose the life he's made with his children. But it sickens me he wants me to pretend I meant nothing. My H A was 6 years ago. I was pregnant at the time, and yes that's when everything changed. I spoke with the woman.

 

I encourage you to be honest if she asks.

 

Why hand him any more power with more lies and cover up?

 

He did this too - I'd tell him you're starting a fresh look and intend to be honest moving forward.

 

She's hurt to (his W) no need to spoon feed her more untruths.

 

You have an opportunity to redeem yourself - any further lies will road block growth for you.

[2sunny]

I didn't intend to end my marriage or get caught when I started wasn't happy at home and mom made me happy.

 

Can you begin by telling your h what your needs are? He's not a mind reader - you need to communicate with him about what you need from him.

[Artie Lang]

his current actions tell you exactly what you really meant to him- NOTHING!

[2sure]

If you leave your husband , would he lose your children? No, especially if you don't move far away from each other.

 

It isn't any different for MM.

[maybemine]

If you leave your husband , would he lose your children? No, especially if you don't move far away from each other.

 

It isn't any different for MM.

its the lifestyle we've built with our spouses we'd like to maintain.... prestigious careers, friends and acquaintances. Having your children grow up with 2 parents ect. He's built his life around his wife...

[Goodbye]

Only in the marriage with hell with violence. Otherwise, kids long for an intact family.

 

 

 

 

 

Of course she is afraid. She has been discovered and exposed. Her MM has denied her, I would feel the same.

 

 

She is rationalizing. SHe calls her H a stalker for having discovered her affair.

 

She should be afraid. She may lose BIG TIME on this one.

 

 

Pierre, as a single mother of three lovely daughters, I disagree with your statement. Kids thrive in loving families..."intact" or not. There are LOTS of kinds of families out there. Not just Mom, Dad, 2 kids and a dog. Are you a child development expert now as well?

[bentleychic]

I think kids prefer single happy parents rather than married unhappy ones.

 

 

 

Which brings us back to the original point of the thread. She clearly states that she is afraid.

I agree which is why I left my exH, but not after many (too many considering abuse was involved) attempts to make it work.

[underwater2010]

I didn't intend to end my marriage or get caught when I started wasn't happy at home and mom made me happy.

So to recap

1. Your husband had an affair 6 yrs prior

2. You were scared of what he was going to do....not necessarily afraid because of prior violence.

3. MOM is trying to reconcile with his wife....but still lying to her. And asking for you to continue the deception.

4. You don't want to continue the marriage but your husband does.

 

Is all of this correct? Just want to make sure we are all on the same page.

[Owl]

Bh wants to reconcile. He told me he'll do whatever it takes and be what I need him to be...Its just to little to late. I'm afraid he'll be the same person I resented in just a couple months.

 

That's an intelligent and valid concern.

 

For some, the affair can be the "wake up call" that finally got their attention to fix things.

 

Others do 'try for a little while' and then revert to their old ways.

 

There's no requirement here that you have to try again with your H if you truly feel that it is most likely wasted time/effort.

 

If this is how you feel...then start moving down the divorce path ASAP. Get a lawyer, start working through seperation proceedings with your H. Figure out who is moving out, and get that started this weekend.

 

Focusing on that can help you "get over" what MOM is doing to you by focusing on fixing his own marriage and ignoring you.

[threelaurels]

@maybemine, are you still feeling afraid of your husband? Or has the fear passed now that you've finally seen him face to face?

 

His actions--comforting you while you were crying over MM, telling you he loves you and wants to work things out--do not seem like actions of a violent or dangerous man. However, they mean nothing if he has a history of violence or extreme anger.

 

It is difficult to advise you of how to handle the situation without knowing if he has ever been abusive in any way. Has he ever verbally, sexually, physically, or emotionally abused you?

 

If the answer is yes, you may want to get in touch with a women's advocacy group in your area and see if they have any advise on how to handle divorcing an abusive partner. They may be able to recommend a good lawyer who has experience in this area. Some actions, such as leaving the marital home, can impact divorce agreements, custody agreements, and the division of assets.

 

Do you suspect your H has had an affair in the past? If you have any evidence or any suspicions that could lead to evidence, you should bring that up with your attorney. If he files for D on the grounds of adultery at any point, that evidence may come in handy. I know you felt violated by his collection of evidence, but you may end up having to do the same thing to him in order to protect yourself and your children.

 

As I said before, your next step is IC and most likely MC. It's good that you're seeing through MM's actions. Many OW continue to believe their MM cares and wants to be with them even when he's throwing them under the bus after a D-Day and knee deep in lies despite having the perfect opportunity to finally be honest. Seeing an IC will help you cope with the loss of MM and deal with all these big changes that are going to be happening.

 

Seeing a MC is important even if you want a D. For your children's sake, you and your husband need to develop the most communicative and amicable co-parenting relationship possible. Divorce is hard on children, and it can impact their development severely when the divorce is messy. The MC can help you and your H decide things like how to tell the kids about the D, help you develop strategies for settling disagreements about the kids, and teach you the many little and often overlooked things you can do to make the transition easier for the kids.

 

These next few months are going to be hard. Sometimes people only fall out of love right before or once the affair starts. In those cases, the love can easily be regained if both partners put in effort and work to fix the problems in the M. If you haven't been in love with your H for a while, D may be the best option so that you both can move on. You and your H may want to try (or may be forced to, depending on how D works where you live) a trial separation before making and decisions about D. The MC can help you decide if that's a good option.

 

How do you feel when you think about your H moving on, dating other women, and even getting remarried one day?

[stillafool]

Why are people trying to convince OP to stay with a husband she's no longer in love with? How is that suppose to make her happy or him for that matter?