Author maybemine Posted October 4, 2013 Author Share Posted October 4, 2013 You are to be congratulated for leaving the marriage. In a sense you are doing your H a HUGE favor and he will eventually be very grateful to you. However, I am concerned about you. You sound a bit foggy and deeply in love with OM. I suspect you are leaving the marriage hoping to be the single OW of your OM. If this is the case this will backfire very badly. Once the dust settles down in the home of the OM he may want to re-start the affair, but you will have to be very deep underground. Sooner or later you will grow tired of being along on weekends and holidays. I encourage you to completely forget OM. He is no good for you and will drive you down. Otherwise, I am glad you are moving out. Too bad you will have to uproot the kids. Can they stay home?My kids will be coming with me. Everyone who knows me knows I am a good mother. No reason why they wouldn't remain with me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 maybemine, Instead of Jumping on the D train or R train impulsively, why not trial separation with counseling? It'll give you time and support to work out Your issue and feelings from your A, and work out if you and your H want to R or D. With professional help and support it could make any transition a little better for your whole family. Just a thought. Notice though, that there is ZERO mention of MOM in my idea. Why? because I am trying to give you HEALTHY Alternatives and deal with the only issue that matters to me here, and that my dear is You* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author maybemine Posted October 4, 2013 Author Share Posted October 4, 2013 Are you hoping OM calls you to re-start the affair? Is this why you are divorcing?he has called me...I'm not responding to him. I'm divorcing my husband because its what's best. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 he has called me...I'm not responding to him. I'm divorcing my husband because its what's best. And do you realize that the OMM has intentions of staying married to his wife? Are you still ignoring his calls? Are you prepared to tell him you're not lying for him to save his face? Link to post Share on other sites
RainDown Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 The physical stuff was many years ago, he has not been physically abusive to me since. I wont answer anymore questions about this. I move into my own place next week. I'll be filing for a divorce shortly after. Thanks everyone for your advice. As for MOM its Day 1 of NC. He's been calling but I can't do this anymore. Needing strength not to get back into that cycle.... He will be back. They almost always show up again once they've calmed down the wife and can get a little freedom again. What you need to understand is that he doesn't want another wife. He already has one of those. What he wants is his wife at home and an AP on the side. He wants both. If you're cool with that, great. Some OW are. But if you want this guy as a primary partner, divorced, and in a full-time relationship with you - you are in for a world of hurt. He has already shown you where his loyalties lie when the chips are down. He put his wife first. Even more hurtful, he's asked YOU to put his wife first as well - wanting you to lie and minimize the affair if she contacts you. You do not need "strength" not to get back into that cycle, you need self respect and probably some counseling to figure out why you value yourself so little. Healthy women would take one look at this weasel and what he has done and they'd be outa there - no strength necessary. He's not relationship material. For his wife, or for you. You have a wonderful opportunity to start fresh now. Surround yourself with healthy people doing healthy things. Trust me, one day you will look back at this MOM and cringe that you actually ever let him touch you. And remember this - MOM will be back. Not because he loves you, but because he loves how you make him feel. Don't fall for it. He's not worth your time or attention. I really hope things get better for you and I hope your children are OK. It makes me sad that you sound like you're in a pretty bad place right now. It's times like this I wish I had a wand. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bestplayer Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 But its not excessive the extremes my H went, to destroy MOM? He knew conversations, and had pictures....I am leaving him. I'm worried for me and my kids because obviously he's capable of beings scarier than I once thought. In think its your H who should be concerned about his safety & health & get tested for STDs. Can you imagine , for a man how scary it is to be wondering weather his own kids are really his? or if he might be HIV+ ? Really you think telling the truth to a BS about her/his life is scarier ? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author maybemine Posted October 5, 2013 Author Share Posted October 5, 2013 In think its your H who should be concerned about his safety & health & get tested for STDs. Can you imagine , for a man how scary it is to be wondering weather his own kids are really his? or if he might be HIV+ ? Really you think telling the truth to a BS about her/his life is scarier ? sorry this made me laugh. He knows his kids are his...let's just leave it at that, and none of us has STDS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author maybemine Posted October 5, 2013 Author Share Posted October 5, 2013 (edited) And do you realize that the OMM has intentions of staying married to his wife? Are you still ignoring his calls? Are you prepared to tell him you're not lying for him to save his face?of course I realize he wants to stay with his wife.I did briefly speak to him today but I'm kicking myself for it. If his wife calls I won't speak to her. Not to save face for him but anything I have to say to her will only bring her further heartache. Not speaking to me they may actually be able to repair there marriage Edited October 5, 2013 by maybemine more info 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 of course I realize he wants to stay with his wife.I did briefly speak to him today but I'm kicking myself for it. If his wife calls I won't speak to her. Not to save face for him but anything I have to say to her will only bring her further heartache. Not speaking to me they may actually be able to repair there marriage So, you'll allow him to throw you under the bus? She needs the truth and if she calls you, you should answer. Apologize and own your part in the A. Answer what she needs to know. Or, are you not wanting to talk to her because you have plans to continue the A once the dust settles and he regains some of her trust? so any conversation with her is really pointless if the A is not over and it's just on hold. ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 The physical stuff was many years ago, he has not been physically abusive to me since. I wont answer anymore questions about this. I move into my own place next week. I'll be filing for a divorce shortly after. Thanks everyone for your advice. As for MOM its Day 1 of NC. He's been calling but I can't do this anymore. Needing strength not to get back into that cycle.... I think that is the beat thing for you. You cannot force yourself to love him and even if did there is no way in hell I would put myself back in that situation. Stand on you own feet!!! Good luck!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 I think that is the beat thing for you. You cannot force yourself to love him and even if did there is no way in hell I would put myself back in that situation. Stand on you own feet!!! Good luck!!! I meant best. Sorry touch screen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 It's not unreasonable if she makes a commitment to be HONEST. That would/should include any question his W needs to know so she understands the truth. What's the sense in his W considering their M - their future if she doesn't have confirmation of what really happened. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 My xomm's wife wanted to meet with me and we did right after the second dday. I was very very honest with her. Then a month or so later she apparently wanted to talk with me again and xmom talked her out of it. His reasoning was what would she gain? If I told her something that didn't match up with his story then she would have to choose who to believe and if she wanted to reconcile she would have to choose him. At first that made sense, but looking back now it was a huge red flag that he wasn't being honest with her at all and did not want me messing up whatever story he told her. Asshat. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 Maybemine, didn't You talk to your H's exow? I'll have to reread, but I thought You wrote that it helped you. (confused face) And now? Why not give the same courtesy that was granted you when you asked? What is it (besides you saying the truth about facts from you will be worse than More Lies by all of you)? Now I'm only speculating based on my own different experience, but when exow contacted me with her information, she felt she had an "upper hand" (in My case) but when she heard My truth, she ended up more hurt and angry... It might have taken her a while, but it was my truth too that eventually helped her to move on from her heartbreak from choosing an A. It could be very beneficial for both of you, like it was when you were betrayed* Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 Yes, it is unreasonable. Don't talk to me about "your" man. Talk to "your" man. I guess if the OW is clear that this is the BS ( "your" man) then why doesn't the OW leave him alone since she is acknowledging that he doesn't belong to her. If you know this is her man then get your own. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
happy stillmore Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 I'm not saying affairs are right but the WS may feel so alone and miserable that he felt he had no options. There are important elements that may have been lacking in the marriage that cannot be fixed which leads to the need for the marriage to end. Many WS are "stuck" in a marriage though for financial reasons. They can not afford to move out and live on their own as they would truly want. They do not want to cause financial hardship to their families. It is a known fact that the number of divorces decrease during bad economic times (as in the USA right now.) Not to mention health insurance. Often, couples do not divorce because they will lose their health insurance coverage. When marriages no longer meet the emotional/physical needs, the marriage needs to end. As I started before, for practical reasons, divorce can't happen at that moment in their lives. So, what we see are people settling in their lives. Some may know there is a better life out there. A connection with a person with whom they felt something special that they never knew existed before in their life, even in their married life. (No, this connection is not based on sex. It is a connection that is hard to explain. A feeling of knowing someone like you, one that you almost feel like you have known already). Unfortunately, the timing was wrong. It is at these moments when logic goes out the window. One can't leave their situation, but one can't ignore this opportunity either. I know BS will have a long list of prepared responses ready to throw. Remember, each situation is different as each marriage is different. You situation does not always apply to ALL. the affair fog is real in some cases but love can also be real in some cases. One must go with their heart. To me, that is truly living. Everyone must be honest others and with themselves. It is obvious, WS and AP wouldn't be in this situation if honesty was in the forefront. The need for honesty includes BS as well. Do they really love their WS or are they fighting to keep WS in the marriage for their own reasons (as WS's penance for the pain he caused or as to win the "prize" in the BS/AP battle) There are so many aspects to each situation that it is impossible to apply your experiences to all. We all have to be honest with ourselves and with ALL in our lives. If you truly live someone, you let them live the life they choose. No matter if you are not the one they choose. I'm living my life with truth and honesty. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 Living with truth and honesty is harder than the alternative, and that's in large part why people have affairs . They have the option of divorce, they have the option of bringing up to their partner that they are planning to divorce, they have the option of telling their partner that they plan to stay married but see someone else. All of those options are abouth truth and honesty. Having an affair because you are unhappy with your spouse and /or in love with someone else, is not living with truth or honesty. it's just easier. Easier, or less inconvenient I guess if the time isn't right. But betraying someone because they deserve it or because it's convenient to you...is something many people choose not to do. There are exceptions to everything of course, and most people involved in an affair think they are one. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 You chose to stay with a cheater. That's on you. He hit you when you were pregnant and you chose to stay. That's on you. He hit you AGAIN and what did you choose to do? You stayed. You ceased to be a victim after the first time he hit you and you STAYED. Thereafter, you became a volunteer. Instead of having the guts to get the f*ck OUT of this dysfunction, you chose to wallow in self-pity instead and eventually chose to 'fall in love' with some married creep looking to get a piece of action on the side. The end result of THAT was the destruction of another marriage. And all because you chose to stay with an abuser. You seriously need to own your sh*t and stop playing victim. Actually, it's not always (or often) as easy as you portray to leave an abuser. Perhaps do a bit of research on that before you start blaming the abused for staying with an abuser. Many times, the abuser breaks the abused down so much to the point that they are not able TO leave, in many ways, whether that's mental or b/c they are truly scared for their (or their children's) live(s) if they leave. Your references in regards to the abuse made me sick to my stomach, quite honestly. I would feel horrid if anyone currently in such an abusive relationship read your post and took away from it that they were responsible for being abused. (Which many already feel, anyway since that's what the abuser generally makes it a point for them to believe.) 7 Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 Actually, it's not always (or often) as easy as you portray to leave an abuser. Perhaps do a bit of research on that before you start blaming the abused for staying with an abuser. Many times, the abuser breaks the abused down so much to the point that they are not able TO leave, in many ways, whether that's mental or b/c they are truly scared for their (or their children's) live(s) if they leave. Your references in regards to the abuse made me sick to my stomach, quite honestly. I would feel horrid if anyone currently in such an abusive relationship read your post and took away from it that they were responsible for being abused. (Which many already feel, anyway since that's what the abuser generally makes it a point for them to believe.) I completely agree with this. In fact, October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. I think many people can stand to be more educated on this subject so that they aren't speaking from a position of ignorance. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 But its not excessive the extremes my H went, to destroy MOM? He knew conversations, and had pictures....I am leaving him. I'm worried for me and my kids because obviously he's capable of beings scarier than I once thought. And your and the OM's behavior were not extreme and destructive and harmful to your BH. You and your OM were cowards sneaking behind your BH's back. Your BH acted with class and defended his marriage and family from the devastation being wrought. Exposing an affair is normal and proper thing for a BH to do. Stop trying to get people to agree with you painting your BH as unstable. He has not threatened you. He did not harm the OM's job. The OM did that by having an affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 MOM I absolutely there for me. I just don't want to call him until he gets things settled at home and figures out what he wants to do. The excessive part i'm talking about on my BS is the fact that he knew private conversations between me and MOM and he had pictures of us, so he's been stalking us apparently and kept his cool to me for awhile and then dropped a bomb on MOM. Gathering intelligence to defend one self is not stalking. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 I personally do not think that his actions were excessive. What did you expect him to do when he found this out? But...you know him and if your gut is telling you that it is not safe for your children and you to be there, do not stay there. Why do think that he is scarier than you once thought? OP expected her BH to put the condoms on for the OM. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 Disagree. It is the very definition of stalking, no matter WHY one is doing it. Stalking is unwanted or obsessive attention by an individual or group toward another person. IF this went to court, I highly doubt the person who 1)may have hired a PI to gather 'evidence of the affair' would be charged 2)even if they themselves did the PI work, it would not hold up in court. It isn't stalking to follow your own spouse who is cheating! Now, if they were divorced and stalking is involved, that is crossing the line and the courts could do something. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 I guess I am confused. Considering your past posts, you have said that you two are very deeply in love. So if the woman who he is in love with and her children are possibly in danger... why not help her? So he has kids, I am assuming the children do not know what is going on? His BS can take care of the kids, I am assuming that is what she has been doing while he has been running around with you, anyway. The woman who he loves is concerned for her safety and he needs to deal with his home life? Because his OW is just side action. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 sorry I thought this was a support forum for OWOM..... How do you expect support when you are being wrong. You are being supported by first getting you to realize that you were that one in the wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts