DDay today

[atreides]

My H has been verbally and emotionally abusive which is why I'm so confused by his current overly sympathetic attitude. In our 9 years of marriage he has hit me 2 times, neither were recent. Both involved his affair. At the moment I do not feel afraid of him, but this is why I was extremely afraid when I heard what he had done.

 

Now we have context... his behavior is beyond anything remotely excusable. You should have D'd then.

[atreides]

Well, I think the OP is doing what she knows is best. She knows her H the best too and likely is worried that the recent showering of affection is as she said in a post, "2 months" at best.

 

maybemine, did you ever forgive your H for his cheating?

I just can't stomach the abuse whether it was 2 times or not after his A. Wow... the way I see it is you must have loved your H very much then to stay with him and i understand your staying also for the kids which came later. Only having the context given, you come off as a good mother and i hope he is a better father after this. Do you think he will change the showering affection to meanness once he sees it is not working?

 

 

Hold strong, it sounds like what you are doing is for the best.

[maybemine]

So dday was last week, we decided not to se each other anymore. He's trying to reconcile with his wife and I'm divorcing my husband. Mom contacts me daily saying he's so sorry for how much he hurts me. My question is why does he keep torturing me when he's made it clear he chose his wife?

[maybemine]

He calls because he misses you. Within the affair compartment OM was deeply in love with you.

 

However, OM's love is only functional within the affair compartment. Once there is a d-day the love clashes with the other love he feels for his wife.

 

Your love for OM was functional inside and outside the affair and that is why you are leaving your H. Furthermore, you do not love your H whereas OM still loves his wife.

 

 

I know you hope OM to maybe be yours one day (maybemine) and I suspect OM would love to reestablish the affair once the dust settles at home.

 

Are you willing to be the OW as a single woman? This time around you will really have to be underground as his wife will be vigilant.

 

Good luck to you.

 

OM loves you a lot.

I don't want to be the ow. Mom even says I deserve more than that....I don't know why I am having such a hard time letting go of him.

[PhoenixRise]

It's illegal to do so without their consent or knowledge. Even if you are married. Even if you think they are cheating. Seriously, google it. That's why you should hire a PI, they have legal clearance to stalk people - you do not. Just because you are married to someone does not give you the right to disrespect all their privacy -there are laws against it in fact. I googled it, read some very interesting stories of spouses being put into jail for certain things. I mean, do what you want, but when you do something illegal, don't be all mad if you have to suffer the legal consequences.

 

 

If it is a jointly owned computer then you can put a keylogger on your computer if you want to in most states.

 

Mind you I said in most states. The laws vary from state to state so NONE of us know what is legal or illegal regarding keyloggers in the state where the OP and her H live.

 

and has it been stated that the H took the pics and gathered the evidence himself? He might HAVE hired a professional to do this for him.

 

But in any state a person can take your picture without your permission if you are in a public place where there is no reasonable expectation of privacy. In your home, a bathroom, a dressing room.....places like that you have an expectation of privacy. In public places generally, where everyone can see you anyway, no expectation of privacy and your pic can be taken without permission.

 

Now if a photographer wanted to use the photo in an ad or magazine or publish it somewhere they need permission. But just taking the photo is not illegal.

 

And stalking is a pattern of behavior. Not one incident

[underwater2010]

So was it a piece of paper when he screwed around on you? Or after?

I only ask to figure out if she thought this way prior to his affair.

[underwater2010]

I do believe he has made it clear that he wants to work on his marriage until she is no longer suspicious of his actions. Then he will start up with you again. If this is a no go for you then you need to let him know.

 

I will warn you that even if you leave your husband....he will still be watching and will report any behavior between you and your MOM to his BW.

[maybemine]

I only ask to figure out if she thought this way prior to his affair.

Nope I was a hopeless romantic. His affair proved it means nothing.

[Scott Thomas]

In my opinion, since I was a M-OM decades ago:

 

A. He adores you but not enough to leave his wife. While he is giving his wife the opportunity to reconcile, he does feel guilty for your divorce.

 

B. Maybe he is hoping to restart the affair at some future date, after his wife calms down.

 

In any case, NC would allow you to clear your head and decide what you want. I see that you've stopped posting in the other thread. In any case, do ensure that the fallout from these incident does not permanently affect your children.

[cif]

So dday was last week, we decided not to se each other anymore. He's trying to reconcile with his wife and I'm divorcing my husband. Mom contacts me daily saying he's so sorry for how much he hurts me. My question is why does he keep torturing me when he's made it clear he chose his wife?

 

To keep your loyalties to him so that you don't tell his wife the truth. Stop engaging him.

[mammasita]

because you let him?.......!

[Goodbye]

I think you should tell him he is doing just that...hurting you more with the contact. He could be doing it to relieve his own guilt, or because he misses you...or to keep you in a good place so you don't tell his wife more than she already knows.

 

I had to tell my exMM that he was hurting my healing, not helping. If he continued to hurt me by breaking NC, I'd contact his wife. I don't like that kind of blackmail stuff, but I had to make it so I could have space in my own life to heal if he wasn't going to be with me.

 

Is your exMM saying he is definitely reconciling? How is your own divorce process going?

 

Hang in there.

[Cali408]

Here is the play book I wrote in regard to being the Married Other Man. It was buried in General Relationship

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/424537-married-man-s-playbook-affairs

[Owl]

I'll give you two reasons why he contacts you daily:

 

1. Because affairs are addictive, and he's getting a 'trickle fix' every time he does so.

 

2. Because you still let him do so.

 

For your own sake, tell him to stop.

[Cali408]

If you REALLY want him to stop contacting you, call the wife and tell her that he is being a weasel. He'll stop contacting you then. Do not give him warning.

 

That being said, he is an emotional basketcase because he has lost you. He loves you and is addicted to the rush you give him. He doesn't want to lose you in the long run. He doesn't want to lose his family. He is a mess right now.

 

He probably feels an incredible amount of guilt, not toward his wife, but toward you because he left you high and dry. I know how much guilt I had when I chose my family. Because in his mind, everything in the affair was perfect. It never would have ended unless you got caught. There is nothing about you for him to hate. The Romeo and Juliet syndrome.

[whichwayisup]

So dday was last week, we decided not to se each other anymore. He's trying to reconcile with his wife and I'm divorcing my husband. Mom contacts me daily saying he's so sorry for how much he hurts me. My question is why does he keep torturing me when he's made it clear he chose his wife?

 

You're having a hard time letting go because a week ago, you two were happily in an A, nobody knew about it. Life was good.. Now, they know and everything has changed. Your feelings cannot just disappear over night so give yourself time to grieve the loss(es). Losing both your husband and your MM (MOM) at the same time is a lot of emotion to deal with. Yeah you and your H are divorcing, but that still is a loss and big lifestyle/home change to cope with. And you losing all that you shared with MM in the affair setting probably is a shock to your system, to go from one extreme to another.

 

You both are going through withdrawal, which is why he is contacting you. Out of habit, out of concern, guilt, etc..etc.. Either way, it all has to stop so I hope you have it in you to really tell him goodbye and ask him to please leave you alone so you can heal and so he can reconnect and focus only on his wife.

[Ladydrib]

So dday was last week, we decided not to se each other anymore. He's trying to reconcile with his wife and I'm divorcing my husband. Mom contacts me daily saying he's so sorry for how much he hurts me. My question is why does he keep torturing me when he's made it clear he chose his wife?

 

He feels guilty. Terrible that he broke up your marriage and that he didn't divorce to be with you. That's it. Forget him so you'll be open to meet someone who is worthy of you.

[FoolishOW]

I agree that emotions don't change overnight, and the posts above are very true to form.

 

Having said that, it is still amazing that I don't think I've seen a single situation (post) where the MM DOES NOT reach out at some point after choosing (for a variety of reasons) to seek reconciliation with the BS. Has anyone been through this... to the extent that a realistic amount of time has gone by, post dday, where the MM has literally never contacted you again? Not my experience... just wondering.

[maybemine]

What is a hopeless romantic?

 

 

How does it feel to be a hopeless romantic?

 

Is this why you love OM?

I was someone who thought love could conquer all.I love om because he was good to me and we reciprocated mutual affections.and should I find someone in the future to share my time with I will look for qualities I found in om.om is a good man...

[Cali408]

I was someone who thought love could conquer all.I love om because he was good to me and we reciprocated mutual affections.and should I find someone in the future to share my time with I will look for qualities I found in om.om is a good man...

 

OM needs to get down from the pedestal in your mind.... OM's wife is giving him the opportunity to fix his marriage and he's living a lie.

[Cali408]

I knew you would answer in this manner.

 

OM is not a good man. He threw you under the bus; how naive can you be!

 

Please read this:

 

The OM combination with a woman (married or single) with low self esteem is a match made in heaven. It sounds like a great romance because they compliment each other.

 

 

The cheater OM is usually a man with low self esteem and insecurity that needs romantic conquests to feel validated. He seeks external validation by getting women in the sac. Over time these men learn to be charming and smooth; they have a knack for saying the right words to potential female lovers. Furthermore they can spot a woman with low self esteem seeking external validation one mile away.

 

 

The female with low self esteem needs external validation and attention to feel good about herself and no one is better in providing attention and external validation than OM.

 

The words of OM are very pleasant to a woman in need of attention. OTOH, if a woman is secure and with high self esteem the cheesy words of OM are nauseating. Women with good self esteem don't pay attention to cheaters.

 

So in the end this is a match made in heaven where two insecure people providing validation to each other at all times.

 

Pierre, you nailed this on so many levels. Where did you get this? It is so true and hits home. Finishing off Tampa tonight....

[canuckprincess]

I do believe he has made it clear that he wants to work on his marriage until she is no longer suspicious of his actions. Then he will start up with you again. If this is a no go for you then you need to let him know.

 

I will warn you that even if you leave your husband....he will still be watching and will report any behavior between you and your MOM to his BW.

 

If he's chosen his marriage why does he continue to contact you, I know why cause as soon as the wife lets him off the leash he'll be back. He just wants to keep you waiting for the dust to settle. Trust me I know what I'm talking about. You need to tell him if he contacts you again you'll be telling his wife. Throw him under the bus and then back over him with it. I'm getting a little tired of mm saying they want to stay in the marriage but they also want to continue the affair. There is a difference between saving the marriage and staying in the marriage, which is it he is trying to do?

[whichwayisup]

If he's chosen his marriage why does he continue to contact you, I know why cause as soon as the wife lets him off the leash he'll be back. He just wants to keep you waiting for the dust to settle. Trust me I know what I'm talking about. You need to tell him if he contacts you again you'll be telling his wife. Throw him under the bus and then back over him with it. I'm getting a little tired of mm saying they want to stay in the marriage but they also want to continue the affair. There is a difference between saving the marriage and staying in the marriage, which is it he is trying to do?

 

Pretty much these days on LS, I keep reading this type of senario. MM or MW has a D-day, then wants to continue the A when the dust settles. So, the guy is not recommitting and reconnecting with his wife and just wants the A to start up again so life can be good for him aka having 2 women in his life.

[busdriver]

Has anyone been through this... to the extent that a realistic amount of time has gone by, post dday, where the MM has literally never contacted you again? Not my experience... just wondering.

 

WS here, and my OW and I have not contacted each other since Dday. I have been sorely tempted to contact her almost every day, and definitely every time something significant happens in my life (she was my friend and colleague.) Thanks to my reading here on LS, I have refrained. I don't know if she thinks about it ever, but part of me hopes she does. At least sometimes.

 

"There is a difference between saving the marriage and staying in the marriage, which is it he is trying to do?"

 

This is very thought provoking. I read a lot here about CHOOSING to stay or go, but when Dday happened it didn't actually feel like a choice. Leaving seemed like too big a step to take at my age -- I am a coward, unfortunately. It was never about choosing my OW or my W, it was about causing the least amount of damage. This is the same reason I haven't called her. I have read here too many stories of OW's hurt by the push-pull in the long term.

 

*Just to pre-empt the deluge:

 

I am NOT justifying, condoning or recommending affairs, mine or anyone else's. I am simply sharing my experience.

 

(I think WS's should just make this their signature!)

Edited October 7, 2013 by busdriver

[Jonah]

 

I will warn you that even if you leave your husband....he will still be watching and will report any behavior between you and your MOM to his BW.

 

True this. Might want to warn Mr. MOM