New...I'm waiting for the phone call...

[theyellowkat]

Backstory:

I'm a 21-year-old OW, with a MM who isn't quite married, but more just shackled to the mother of his child.

I had him first, we were in an exclusive relationship for 1 1/2 years and we only broke up because I noticed they were interested in each other. I pushed him away and he ended our relationship and began one with her. NC ensued, but only lasted for a few months before he began contacting me again. He wanted to hang out and I had no objections (I was missing him a lot by then). When I picked him up, he told me about the worries that he had about their relationship, that he thought she was using him, I don't remember the rest.

 

In short, we began meeting up at night after she went home. Eventually she found out and dumped him, shortly after which they made up. He was still seeing me throughout, and eventually I got irritated. I didn't like being the OW (keeping secrets was never my strong suit) and I gave him a deadline. He had to tell her in two weeks or I would tell her myself. He of course kept putting it off, so on DDay (around 9 months ago), I sent her a little message telling her everything that had been going on. She responded with quite an announcement: she was pregnant.

 

He stopped talking to me for a while and she decided to move for the summer and thereby hide her pregnancy from her ultra-religious parents. She refused to really communicate with him about the fate of the child (or that's what I was told) and he took back up with me when she left. It was a beautiful couple of months. I spent almost all of my free time with him and convinced myself that maybe we would be together after all. He continued to text her, however, and apparently successfully convinced her to come back and have the baby with him.

The day she returned, he called me while I was out with my friends, "She's back in town...I should probably stop talking to you now and try to be a good father to my child." I waited in the parking lot for him to bring me my things...and we broke it off.

 

A couple weeks went by...I missed him. I sent him a message to that effect and we picked up where we left off. I never thought of her except as an annoyance--a person continually interrupting our R. We broke up and got back together once more after that before the two of them decided to get engaged. The way he told me was the icing on the cake. He invited me over to his house, slightly drunk, and casually mentioned that he considered tonight his bachelor party. I cried and he let me stay over. It turns out BM has a 6th sense about these things and snuck into his house while we were sleeping. She stayed for three hours taking pictures, stealing things from us both, hiding my clothes, and locking my keys in my car. It was like something from a nightmare...but I went back to sleep happy that night. I thought it was finally over between them.

 

But he continues to hide me. I have to park a street over so she won't creep by and find my car in front of his house. Now she's blackmailing him. She says if he doesn't keep her happy (i.e. neither see nor speak to me), she will see that he doesn't get any rights to his son. So we continue to hide.

 

But more recently, she's been playing with his emotions--putting him down, telling him he's a horrible person, etc., and he's taking it all to heart. He agreed to go to family counseling with her at the Mormon church. It breaks my heart that he thinks that not wanting to be with her for the rest of his life makes him a bad father.

 

So tonight was the night of counseling. He tried to call but I was out with friends and didn't want to hear any bad news just then. So he texted me, "hey, we need to have a conversation about some things. I'll call you when I'm free." So here I sit, heart in throat. At this point I'm not even sure that I'll cry.

 

I don't know what I hope to gain from posting this...I guess I'm really just in need of some comfort right now.

Edited October 3, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whichwayisup]

For the sake of their child, sadly for you, you need to back off and allow them a chance to work it out.

 

If they choose to end things, then you can date him, but until then, please don't make him choose between his own baby and you. That just isn't fair to their baby son.

 

Their dynamic is messed up but he on some level already has chosen to stay...

[cif]

Theyellowkat, im so sorry you're going through this. Seems like you have the BS from hell

 

I went through something similar and it is hard. You really do have to break away from this man. Start fresh with someone new. This man, and his nasty BS, will never give you peace.

 

On a lighter note, i thought mormons can have multiple wives?

[sweet_pea]

I'm sorry you're in pain and that you're dealing with this. Can I ask what you want out of all of this situation?

[theyellowkat]

Theyellowkat, im so sorry you're going through this. Seems like you have the BS from hell

 

I went through something similar and it is hard. You really do have to break away from this man. Start fresh with someone new. This man, and his nasty BS, will never give you peace.

 

On a lighter note, i thought mormons can have multiple wives?

 

Thank you cif, it has proven very difficult to pry myself away from him emotionally as well as physically, especially since he is the only person I have every truly, romantically loved. But it turns out that the decision was made for me, as I knew it would be. They've chosen (again) to be married. Evidently I have far more tears left in me than I knew.

 

Haha, as much as I would love being a part of their little family , unfortunately BS and I would probably tear each other limb from limb before either of us even made it to the altar.

Edited October 3, 2013 by theyellowkat

[theyellowkat]

I'm sorry you're in pain and that you're dealing with this. Can I ask what you want out of all of this situation?

 

Thank you, sweet_pea.

My dream would be that she disappear and MM and I raise the baby...but obviously that will never happen. Realistically, I'd love to just be able to see and speak to him at least once a week. He was my best friend throughout our relationship and during at least part of theirs. I just wish I didn't have to lose my friend as well as my lover...

[cif]

Thank you cif, it has proven very difficult to pry myself away from him emotionally as well as physically, especially since he is the only person I have every truly, romantically loved. But it turns out that the decision was made for me, as I knew it would be. They've chosen (again) to be married. Evidently I have far more tears left in me than I knew.

 

Haha, as much as I would love being a part of their little family , unfortunately BS and I would probably tear each other limb from limb before either of us even made it to the altar.

 

Just imagine the kind of mother this woman will be using the baby as a weapon. He's making a big mistake marrying her. If their 'dating' experience is any indication of the future, she will make his life miserable.

 

Stay strong and keep strict NC. Don't be his shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen to his misery. He will contact you when he his life gets tough. I just can't believe she threatened to keep him away from his child. Who does that? And what law would allow it?

[sweet_pea]

Just imagine the kind of mother this woman will be using the baby as a weapon. He's making a big mistake marrying her. If their 'dating' experience is any indication of the future, she will make his life miserable.

 

Stay strong and keep strict NC. Don't be his shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen to his misery. He will contact you when he his life gets tough. I just can't believe she threatened to keep him away from his child. Who does that? And what law would allow it?

 

It shouldn't be hard to believe, plenty of women (and men, I'm sure) do this, whether they are BS', OWs, or neither. It's not right, but it happens.

 

...

 

Honestly, Yellow, I'd suggest leaving them be. You will certainly never raise HER and HIS child without her. If he ever did leave her and go to you, she would be in your life for a very long time, as that is their child together, and she is the child's mother.

 

I honestly think NC is the best option for you. You three are in a huge mess of a relationship, with all the breaking up, getting back together, cheating and having a baby too. It's not healthy for any of you. Going NC is the only way to get some peace and not be in so much pain.

 

I know you (and others) are angry at the BS in this situation, but you should really aim that hurt to the cheater. He is the one that is choosing to stay and choosing to hurt you by not picking you. He is the one dragging your heart around, going this way and that way.

[theyellowkat]

I honestly think NC is the best option for you.

 

I know you (and others) are angry at the BS in this situation, but you should really aim that hurt to the cheater. He is the one that is choosing to stay and choosing to hurt you by not picking you. He is the one dragging your heart around, going this way and that way.

 

Yes, sweet_pea, I agree with you there--I'm going to give NC my best shot, and hopefully I can summon some strength and actually get past a month this time.

 

As for blame placement, I think it lies on all of our shoulders equally. Her for making herself and the baby a package deal, me for being weak enough to let him back into my life time after time, and him for waffling between the two.

[theyellowkat]

Just imagine the kind of mother this woman will be using the baby as a weapon. He's making a big mistake marrying her. If their 'dating' experience is any indication of the future, she will make his life miserable.

...

I just can't believe she threatened to keep him away from his child. Who does that? And what law would allow it?

 

Oh, cif, there are so many reasons why she is not mother material... it's hard to keep track. Let's just say she seems to be extremely mentally and emotionally unstable...not sure if this is due to her hard life or just a psychological imbalance, but nevertheless...

[bentleychic]

What a messy situation for ALL of you. I, personally, wouldn't touch that relationship with a ten foot pole. It sounds extremely dysfunctional for all involved. I hope you can find the strength to walk away from it.

[collapse]

You have been given a gift. A chance to get this toxic woman out of your life. You must think about the situation this way. He is not a free agent, he has a baby, a child with this person. If you were to stay with him, you entwine your future with hers forever. Your children would be connected to her, forever. Think of the grief that this would cause them.

 

There is nothing that you can do about feeling this pain now, it's completely out of your hands. But you can make sure that you protect yourself and your future happiness. Make sure he never has the opportunity to make you cry ever again. You are an awesome, brilliant person worthy of being loved. He saw that in you and risked everything for it. Someone else who deserves you will see that same quality in you. You have to believe in a better life than this one that you've been holding on to.

 

He's letting you go, now it's your turn to close that door. Because he will be back. He is not going to be able to be happy, but you are not locked to him, so don't let him steal your happiness so you can both live a half life.

[2sure]

He has decided all this time to have both of you. He has convinced her twice to come back to him by lying about you . He has convinced you at least twice to come back to him and convicted you to accept hiding your relationship. He has told both of you one thing, then done another. No law can keep him from seeing his child . You know it, we know it, he knows it. Hes using that as another excuse.

 

Don't think there is a competition here, a winner or a loser.

 

This is all about him. His future wife may not know it yet, but she will. You know now.

[cif]

Consider yourself lucky, you're able to walk away from this mess free and clear. NC and never look back. You will find someone worthy of you and have a healthy life and family based on love. Just never allow this toxic man back in.