Falling Back in Love with My Husband After New Knowledge

[Eroded]

Hey, I've made two threads on similar subjects in the last few weeks. I spent a week apart from my husband this last week--on mostly good terms--and had a lot of time to think and observe. The only reply to one of my threads mentioned that my husband's parents need to stop being so involved in his life and I'm seeing that more and more as I have taken the time to observe.

 

I thought that my husband was really independent and that was a huge turn-on for me getting out of a relationship where there was inequality in that. He also seemed really mature. Through our relationship, I found out more and more (mainly in retrospection) that he has just been continually coddled by his parents. I thought it was nice that he had a car; his parents bought it for him and make his insurance payments and car payments on it (his car was rear-ended and declared as totaled, so instead of teaching him how to buy a car and handle credit, his parents picked out his new car and signed the paperwork while he stood outside of the office, completely oblivious. They then handed him the keys and began making his $500/month payments).

 

He would always talk about how good he was at his job; he was 23 when we began dating, and he held that job when he was 17. It was the only job he held because his parents insist he doesn't work in college (though they think I should and have basically forced me to to support him). He told me he lived away from his parents in another state while attending his first leg of college; I found out later that they were sending him over a thousand a month to pay for an expensive apartment and groceries. He always paid for our dates, evne when I insisted on paying; I thought he was using money from his savings, but his parents were giving him money for our dates and for gas.

 

Now, since we got married 16 months ago, they insist that he not work and even pay him $500 a month to "play house" as his resentful sister aptly put it (he's the youngest and only son so he's been spoiled his entire life). I work my rear off to bring in the remaining $1800. I've been working and supporting people since I was 16. You get how it is.

 

His mom made the hour drive to our home several times during the week I was out. I think she visited 4 out of 6 days I was gone, bringing him cookies, pizza, and general junk food. Tonight, he had run out of his ADHD medication so she risked driving up here again (she has very low visibility in the dark and it's rural farmland most of the drive) at 11 PM to deliver her ADHD medicine to him, because he couldn't be sleepy for two more days until his refill (which his mom will also deliver to him). His parents have also been calling him almost non-stop since I arrived to make sure he's okay.

 

Either way, during this week away, he said a lot of hurtful things to me for the first time (it was also the first time I really 'stood up' to this lifestyle we've been living for 16 months), and he and his parents appear to blame me for our marriage issues, citing that if I just had a better attitude about our situation that we'd be happy (if you don't know, I'm putting off school for several years [planning to get a systems and security IT degree] so that he can finish his music degree. Meanwhile, I work a very stressful technical support job that has given me extreme depression and anxiety, which I haven't seen since I was a teenager, when my parents divorced). I even had to take the week off after attempting to quit because it was driving me insane and making me literally pull my hair out when I'm ordinarily an extremely stable person in control of her emotions.

 

I found out through an ADHD support board (he has ADHD and has been medicated for it for 16 years) that his dismissal of my concerns and saying careless and hurtful things to me is quite normal for people afflicted with adult ADHD who do not notice this (not bashing anyone with ADHD; he didn't know this himself).

 

So the point of my post is: while this has helped me understand him more, I still find myself horribly unattracted to this new him that I've realized was there--the baby him. He's 3 years older than me and I honestly don't feel our age difference. He's 26 and will continue to be financially supported by his wife and wealthy parents (who are dipping into their retirement funds to support their baby) until he's at least 29. I have always been attracted to independence and stability, and I just realized that all this time, it was an illusion. I know it's dramatic, but I feel deceived and hurt, and even disgusted. He lured me away from my ex (which had to happen anyway), promising that I wouldn't face the same with him, and when I confronted him about his promise, he said "these promises take time," which is what my ex kept telling me.

 

Maybe I'm just doomed to care for manchildren...

 

Does anyone know how I can cope and fall back in love with my husband, spoiled nature and all?

 

Also, lately, especially, I have attempted to subtly help him grow up (suggesting that we each work part time and attend school part time so no one feels pressure and we feel more equal [attending college has been a big deal for me since I was a young child, and I've delayed it for two men now]), and he just responds unsurely or says hurtful things to me, like "Why can't you just be happy? I've always wanted a wife I could just make happy." "You were so positive, happy, kind, patient, and optimistic when we first met, and now you're negative, angry, mean to others, impatient... so impatient, and pessimistic. You don't even do anything anymore; just lay around all day." Which isn't me; my depression has made me lose all motivation for everything, when I've always been known for my level of motivation (I alone planned and funded a successful international move when I was 17; I lost 65lbs when I was 11 from formulating a diet and exercise plan, etc., to get an idea). It just hurts hearing that from him when he's usually a very kind and understanding man.

 

EDIT: Dang it, I made a super long post again. I'm sorry. I bolded the important bits.

Edited October 3, 2013 by Eroded

[crederer]

Why did you get married so young? Surely these traits were apparent during your dating period but you chose to look past them.

 

Tell the kid to get his act together. You're his wife, not his mother. Don't allow yourself to be put in that position.

[Grumpybutfun]

Eroded:

I am not sure what you are asking. You seem to know that his behavior is wrong and that his parent's interference is hurting you both. You also say that this is the second man whom you have given up your education for? Why? Why would you give up getting an IT job which would be logical so he can get a music degree which isn't financially fiscal at all? Also, your husband's parents aren't the only ones enabling him... you are also. You are pointing the finger at them and yet you are the one who works while he sits around and then you allow his parents to treat you poorly. You are not married to a man, but a boy who has no idea how to behave and act like an adult. Therefore, I would say not to worry about falling back in love with your husband, but to learn how to fall back in love with yourself because you are treating yourself with abject disregard and disrespect.

Good luck,

Grumps

[Eroded]

Why did you get married so young? Surely these traits were apparent during your dating period but you chose to look past them.

 

Tell the kid to get his act together. You're his wife, not his mother. Don't allow yourself to be put in that position.

We were both in a sect of Christianity that heavily encouraged young marriage. By 22, I was already an "old maid" in that culture. I've since left the religion but he's still part of it. But that explains me being that young, haha. I thought I was being a good pious girl.

 

And yeah, I think our courtship went too quickly (another facet of that religious culture) so I just didn't have time to see the connection. I was telling my mom that it's hard for me to see a man when I see him now, and that's been the case for several months. He has told me he hates making decisions, so he leaves everything (everything, even what to watch, what to have for dinner, everything date-related, erm, sexual positions, what shoes he should buy, etc.) to me. If I ask, I get, "I don't know," "Whatever you want," "Anything," or "Everything." I know that's normal with a lot of men but he took a lot of control when we were dating, like, "So I was thinking we could go to the art gallery and have dinner at this place I've wanted us to try on Tuesday. You up for it?"

 

I did tell him last week (and many, many times before, haha) that I wasn't going to put up with this for much longer, that I can't live like this for another 3 years until he graduates, and have gently told him and even firmly told him in the past how ridiculous it is that he's still being financially supported by his parents into his late twenties, and he just begins to cry and apologize for "ruining [my] life," so I feel that I get nowhere.

 

I've tried to progress in my schooling by trying to do full-time work and full-time schooling (school in the morning and work at night) but I went insane from the pressure and dropped down to part-time. My job can be quite demanding, so I'm even only taking one class this semester. He gets to go to the fancy university in town that his parents paid for and I'm attending a rinky-dink satellite campus that doesn't even offer my major. No schools here do except for a technical one I may transfer to soon.

 

Eroded:

I am not sure what you are asking. You seem to know that his behavior is wrong and that his parent's interference is hurting you both. You also say that this is the second man whom you have given up your education for? Why? Why would you give up getting an IT job which would be logical so he can get a music degree which isn't financially fiscal at all? Also, your husband's parents aren't the only ones enabling him... you are also. You are pointing the finger at them and yet you are the one who works while he sits around and then you allow his parents to treat you poorly. You are not married to a man, but a boy who has no idea how to behave and act like an adult. Therefore, I would say not to worry about falling back in love with your husband, but to learn how to fall back in love with yourself because you are treating yourself with abject disregard and disrespect.

Good luck,

Grumps

Haha, you have no idea what a relief it is to hear (er, read) this. See, I've been bullied by his parents, our religious culture (it's extremely common for women to not seek degrees and then even more common for them to give them up for their husbands) and him into believing that this is normal and that I'm the problem. He and his parents have told me time and time again that I just need to improve my attitude and things will change for the better. I've been told I'm impatient and that I'm a source of stress for my husband, which is negatively impacting him in school. My family half-jokingly says that I've been forced into slavery.

 

I've begun believing that I and my attitude are the sole problem, and have trouble believing otherwise as a result, which is why I've basically given up fighting for the last year and decided to just remove emotion and become a robot to avoid contention. My family and friends think that he's nuts for making me do this, that his parents are even more insane, and that I'm the craziest for believing them.

 

So it's driving me nuts. Thank you for your comments, though. They're honestly helping me feel better.

 

As far as the educational delay goes, for my first boyfriend, it was because he was studying to be a meteorologist and an accountant, so I trusted he'd finish school quickly (he had a year to go) and he told me he'd support me through school. He changed his majors several times and restarted his degree about four times after skipping classes and exams, etc.

 

I never really had a choice with my husband. I've sacrificed so much for him. So, so much for him. I stay at home all day working and never socialize while he goes out and attends parties and hangouts weekly with schoolmates. I asked him what he sacrificed for me and he said "I sacrifice my time in school so I can support you," which I accepted at first but realized that A.) he has dreams, but no plans, and B.) he had applied to that program before we began dating... I feel so stupid 'cause I grew up with people telling me I had a really promising future in IT or medicine and I'm whittling it away, I feel.

Edited October 3, 2013 by Eroded

[jimmytwowheels]

I was diagnosed as a child with ADD and possibly ADHD. My parents home schooled me as I was impossible to control. At 14 they wanted to put me on meds. I literally told the doctor - I will try to kill myself every day that you put me on meds. So they backed down.

My parents kicked me out at 17 and it was off into the wild world.

 

I'm 26, I have a home and mortgage and am planning to get married soon. I do not believe in medication for 'hyperactives' except in extreme cases. It's possible that he needs to get off the medication to get some of his personal strength back, but I'm not a doctor or shrink, so that's just my personal experience.

 

I still have hyperactivity but military training in specific blunted it. People with ADD ADHD are generally very inventive and quick, and I don't see it as a disorder but rather a challenge and gift.

[Eroded]

Ha, I wish my husband took that much control. His parents did everything for him so he's not used to taking any sort of control. And I will look into the book as I just recently bought another.

 

We have been looking for a marriage counselor, individual therapy, and even psychiatrists (been trying to take a leave of absence so that I can relax since my job is very stressful and I've been having breakdowns when working for several months now. Everyone that has seen me lately as said I'm rail thin because of how much weight I've lost when I'm already pretty slim). We've called close to 15 in our area and they all have 2-3 month waiting lists, which we've put ourselves on. We spoke to a leader at my husband's church for a therapy referral but they're booked up as well, so I feel lost.

 

I tried to get my way out by starting a computer tutoring program. I made all of these plans for it and was feeling like my old self, but he and his parents destroyed all confidence I had in that idea; I now feel it was a stupid one because they kept hinting it was destined to fail and wouldn't provide "us" (aka him) a steady income at first. That second bit is true at least, and I've put in provisions for that.

 

Today, as well as during the week, but especially tonight, I have been painted as the selfish bad guy. I told my husband I feel alone since I'm always doing the planning and working hard to make things change. He said that I feel that way because it's true and that I'm being selfish in not letting him finish school so he can support us. He has 2.5-3 years to go; he can't even tell me because he doesn't look into stuff like that. He said it was our plan, and I told him I never chose it (I never had a choice) so he seemed to have gotten annoyed and began speaking as if I wasn't making sense. He and his parents always speak as if I'm crazy for having my goal; like they never heard of anyone doing this. I had made it clear several times that I intended on starting school immediately and that I wished for each of us to work part time and attend school part time. My husband and his family have stated it was the first time they had heard this, but they're also notoriously bad at remembering anything I say so I've had the same conversation with them several times on many subjects.

 

Yesterday, my husband kept asking me if I wanted a divorce, and I told him I wasn't sure. I've had many suicidal thoughts in the last year and I've never been known to be like that. He said he can't deal with knowing whether or not I'm gonna come home alive or not so he has been thinking of a divorce. I asked him why he doesn't seem to want to work on it and he said he does as long as I'm willing to work with him (e.g. give him his way as he's used to). My family still thinks I'm nuts and feels very sorry for me.

 

I suggested separating so I can move in with my sister an hour away, as that area has a nice school with my major and I can get by working part time and schooling full or close to full time and we can see each other on the weekends.

 

He's okay with it but says I still need to pay half the rent on our apartment, which combined with rent with my sister, gas, groceries, and student loan payments, I'd not have enough money on my own, so I'm stuck. I would plan to work part time then, so the money wouldn't be enough. He's very adamant about this, and my family has told me I have no obligation to pay rent on a house that I'm not living in, but my name isn't on the lease; just on a renewal intention. They want me to push this as hard as possible, but it could get ugly as his family has a lawyer uncle who's very good and who they use for intimidation. I like to think they wouldn't whip him out on me, but we had close family friends sue my mom this last year so I think once money's involved, people get ugly.

 

I also suggested that we each do part time school and work to feel less pressure and work together. He shot it down, saying he doesnt like the idea of finishing school so late and feels he'd lose a lot of opportunities by taking this long. His idea is to immediately start on his master's and get a job at the school but he never plans these things so he has absolutely no plans on how to get there; just the desire to, and ONLY because his dad questions him on it every time they talk, so he's come up with plans to please him, 'cause he said to me himself that he doesn't plan very far ahead.

 

I feel dead, defeated, and selfish. He told me I'm not working in a partnership with him, but for my own interests. I've spent the better part of the last three days just laying or sitting around and staring blankly. I'm at a complete loss. I don't know who I am anymore. The highly motivated, optimistic, and enthusiastic person I once was is completely gone, and I feel like a jerk for taking any sort of substantial action because he's not physically or verbally abusing me, and is ordinarily extremely sweet and kind to me.

 

My sister today has suggested I put my several thousand dollars that I alone saved this year into cash and in a safe because she feels this will get ugly. When my husband and I were engaged, and even now, his parents interrogate me on how much I have in my accounts, how much debt I'm carrying, and how much I make per hour/per month/per year. I thought it was odd but went with it. My family's eyes widened because I was cornered and asked in front of his entire family every time.

Edited October 5, 2013 by Eroded

[unicorn farts]

This situation STINKS. Him accusing you of not being a partner is laughable. I think a husband and wife being partners means supporting each other, and I can't see that you are getting any support. You getting your education is probably more in the best interest of your family than him getting his (let's get real here, a music degree is pretty impractical and will take much longer to pay off than your planned degree).

 

When my husband and I started out we had a similar deal, where I was going to school and he was working, with the idea that as soon as I graduated we would swap. However, as soon as we found a way for to fund his return to school, he went back immediately and I got myself a job and started part timing! I am graduating now and wouldn't have made it without his support, and I support him in his education in every way I can. I think being married means working as a team to meet your goals. You're not your husband's teammate, you're being treated more like a servant. And his family sounds like a bunch of whackadoos.

[Eroded]

This situation STINKS. Him accusing you of not being a partner is laughable. I think a husband and wife being partners means supporting each other, and I can't see that you are getting any support. You getting your education is probably more in the best interest of your family than him getting his (let's get real here, a music degree is pretty impractical and will take much longer to pay off than your planned degree).

 

When my husband and I started out we had a similar deal, where I was going to school and he was working, with the idea that as soon as I graduated we would swap. However, as soon as we found a way for to fund his return to school, he went back immediately and I got myself a job and started part timing! I am graduating now and wouldn't have made it without his support, and I support him in his education in every way I can. I think being married means working as a team to meet our goals. You're not your husband's teammate, you're being treated more like a servant. And his family sounds like a bunch of whackadoos.

It seems that all of the normal people I have spoken to about this agree. I woke up at 5:30 this morning and was unable to fall back asleep, so I went to the living room and decided to just watch the sun pour into the room since I work from 5:30 PM to 2 AM and never get to see the sunrise or sunset.

 

He came in after tossing and turning and basically reiterated what he told me on the way home from my mom's house last night, the "I am supporting your schooling by doing mine first, and you just aren't patient enough to see it or wait for two years, and if you don't like it, there's the door" argument. He seems to list more and more "pros" of divorce, so I'm wondering if he's pushing me out.

 

My younger sister (friends with his older sister and married to that same sister's best friend since high school. This sister also "sides" with how my family, friends who know, and I feel) has said that from his history he might be trying to "get rid of me" because I'm "in the way" as has dumped friendships over people getting in the way of his practice schedule or demanding more of him than a lazy friendship. And he's blissfully unaware of how these people feel. He started crying once when I remarked that he hadn't spoken to our mutual best friend or any longtime friends in months, and he said that his true friends understand that he's busy and don't care, and I told him I thought it was odd.

 

It makes me smile knowing that you and your husband worked it out. It really does, because I wondered if education and marriage could co-exist at even a somewhat doable level.

 

Oh! And to jimmytwowheels, I forgot to add that my husband did once try to take himself off of medication but gave up very quickly. That was over a year ago and he hasn't tried since. He tried because he acknowledged that he probably could manage his depression, anxiety, and ADHD now. Since then, he maintains he's too afraid to find out what would happen because he added he does terribly under pressure. My respect goes to anyone who can go without; I know it can be hard. His family is all on ADHD/BPD/depression/anxiety medicine (except his father and aforementioned sister, as she was on medication most of her life but weaned off of it as a teenager, same as my sister did).

 

oha

[Eroded]

You've got to be kidding me!

Haha, I wish I was.

 

And apologies for the typos in the previous post. I'm on my phone, which gets stubborn with properly using text fields in IPB boards.

[Eroded]

Agreed. He doesn't seem like he has pulled any weight since the start. Music degree is not going to support you. And his family is too involved with your marriage. One of the most nonfunctional situations I've seen on LS. Yikes.

He firmly believes that he will either become famous or can get an academic career. I believe he has the talent to do that, but he thinks either would be much easier than they will be. My brother-in-law is in academia (Ph.D student also working as a professor) and says he got there by the skin of his teeth, because in his school and department, he's one of the few, he hates to say, who can speak and understand clear English. He has given a grim forecast of academia. My husband and his family believe this is a stable and sure way in, because he has a lot of connections, but so do his peers, since it's a close knit group.

 

Why do his parents support a music or academic career? His mom has a degree in music performance that she only uses to teach lessons on the side, and his paternal grandfather is a somewhat famous academic in his field, so they're happy their baby boy is pursuing either route.

 

When I told them again that I wanted a degree, they basically **** on the idea by trying to convince me that a bachelor's degree is A.) useless and B.) can be obtained if I just go to online school, because they maintain it doesn't matter where you get a degree. It was VERY important that my husband get his degree and THIS school, so I repeated that to him in front of his parents, "See? It doesn't matter where you get your music degree. We can move closer to family and friends now!" They began mumbling a justification for his degree.

 

For a while, I wasn't interested in IT, and his mom was absolutely sad about it, and always suggesting high-paying jobs for me to do in IT. I'm guessing I'm the backup plan.

 

In our religious culture, the man's degree is seen as more significant (huge on "traditional roles"), so usually we'd be the other way around. Most men get law, medical, business, STEM or dental degrees, and the wife gets a degree in music or theater because of that belief that the wife will never use it. I think that's why they're so hard on him getting his first, when I have absolutely no qualms with using my degree, and actually want to.

[unicorn farts]

Only an uneducated person would think an online bachelors degree is worth anything. Read that again, only an uneducated person would offer "get an online degree" idea. Yikes. It is clear these guys want to use you and have no regard for your own goals/ambitions/dreams.To more you talk, the more I see they see you as a meal ticket as this mamma's boy do whatever he dreams about. That is not a marriage. You are seriously being used and abused. Financially, mentally, and emotionally. Time to get out before you are too old and it is all over.

 

Agreed! It seems like your only value to his family is as the workhorse to pay for his grand musical destiny. I've had a lot of musicians of various kinds in the family, my father has gold and platinum records -- and even if you do succeed for a while the industry will chew you up and spit out your bones unless you're very, very lucky. Careers in academia require years and years of additional education, are hypercompetitive, and poorly paid.

 

I'm all for following your dreams but the idea that someone is going to support you with his music degree right out of school is idiotic ... and he sounds wayyyy too pampered and entitled to take on a job that would actually pay the bills.

[Eroded]

Only an uneducated person would think an online bachelors degree is worth anything. Read that again, only an uneducated person would offer "get an online degree" idea. Yikes. It is clear these guys want to use you and have no regard for your own goals/ambitions/dreams.To more you talk, the more I see they see you as a meal ticket as this mamma's boy do whatever he dreams about. That is not a marriage. You are seriously being used and abused. Financially, mentally, and emotionally. Time to get out before you are too old and it is all over.

Yeah, lately all he can muster is "I'm sorry you're in so much pain." Before, it was "I'm sorry I ruined your life," but never any action. I had suspected I was being used as a way for my husband to get free reign to choose what he wants to do, but I kinda pushed those feelings away, haha. Now I'm seeing it more. I doubt my husband would get famous, but I do know he's talented enough that if he worked hard to the bone and marketed himself, things might be different. That's with the huge "BUT" below, since I'm a big realist. It's why I am good at drawing but never went to art school and realized o have been good with computers since I was a young kid. He says he can't think of anything else he's interested in, despite being very, very good at math.

 

However, he's not given to hard work and I've given him many objectively good ideas on how to market himself in school and other ventures; he hears them then ignores them. I've been doing that for the three years we've known each other.

 

It looks like he talked to my mom today, and I'll be heading to her house for the week. I think he felt I was being too much for him.

 

Another thing that was rich was that I had told him I felt alone in coking up with ideas for the business because he wouldn't offer anything, even when asked. He said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I can't keep giving up school for you. I'm sorry but it's just how I feel." I explained later that that statement hurt because I gave up schooling for him, or at least schooling at a normal pace, and he maintained it was how he felt.

 

He had a part time job for a month during summer classes that made him have break downs, even though he was only working 3 hours a day, three days a week. I didn't tell him to quit, but that he was an adult and could make his own decisions. His mom told him he had to quit, so he quit without telling me. Later, I asked him what he sacrificed for me and he said he sacrificed pride because he liked not having to ask me for money, and that I encouraged him to quit, and that he quit so he could do better in school and support us. I just shut up at that point because I couldn't believe it.

 

The whole each of us doing part time school and work idea has been shot down, too. His parents told him last night that they would cut off ALL support (not just the $500/month but also his car payment [$500/month], insurance payment, and cell phone payment). Yippee.

 

Oh, and luckily my entire family and one of his sisters agree that I'm being abused. His sister said he's been spoiled his whole life and it pisses her off that it affects me too. My family keeps me sane through this. My mom joined up the same religion and one of my sisters is still in it, but we're all super laid back about it or have left. The crazy thing is that his family has degrees up the wazoo. Mine doesn't. I come from a poor immigrant family. Very poor, but I learned to work hard (from my mom, a workhorse of a wwoman) rom a very early age. I've been helping to support my family since I was 16. I'd be the first with a degree in many generations. Probably even ever.

Edited October 5, 2013 by Eroded

[HokeyReligions]

Based on all of your posts you are a victim of abuse. Contact a woman's shelter in your area. Don't worry about his family or lawyers. There are ways to protect yourself and one of those ways is by the way you file for divorce. A shelter should have resources and contacts for attorney's and counselors who can help. Move out.

 

You are trying to find a way to fall back in love with him so you can tolerate the life. That is victim mentality. Stop it. You know what to do - you said it yourself. If you are afraid to take the first step because you need outside validation then get the validation. Google Women's Shelter for your area. Call and say "I think I may be the victim of abuse. Can you help me? I don't know what to do." They will ask if you are in immediate danger of physical abuse. You say no (unless you are in that danger) and you say say its mental abuse and you don't know how to get out and need help now. Tell them what you told us.

[unicorn farts]

I think Hokey has a good idea. It sounds like his family is trying to trap you/intimidate you into being his provider. It's really frightening and creepy. Insisting that you pay for his apartment after you move out to get an education is just crazy. You're not his slave. He can get a roommate or a job. wtf.

 

It sounds like you know what you need to do Eroded, I'm really rooting for you! I think it will do you so much good to get away from the craziness and talk to your own family, you sound like a lovely hard-working and kind person. I'm worried for you.

[Eroded]

Thanks everyone! It feels so good to feel sane again. As an update: I told him after a nap and a shower that I couldn't do it anymore, and that as much as I love him, I have to love myself again. I listed that I wanted us to have, like a house, kids, growing old together, etc., and that I've learned that it just might not be for us.

 

After that, he drove me to my mom's house so I wouldn't have to balance two dogs for an hour. For that drive, we kept saying things like that we made better friends anyway, and then we suddenly kinda began listing things that we would be willing to do for the other, and I told him things like make big strides towards growing up and planning and in general, being an adult. He gave me a few (mainly at least superficially getting involved with our church since he misses going with me). We asked each other if we think the future we imagine is worth it, and agreed for now. I'm right now at a clinic to get a psych evaluation because I could finally get someone to see me.

 

He made a few steps to show me he was serious about doing what I asked, and while it can be said it was just for show, from what I know of him--blissfully unaware but eager to please me--that he is serious about trying.

 

So we'll see. He offered on his own without me mentioning roommates at all that he has two roommates in mind. Even his parents have told him it's unfair to charge me rent if I end up moving out. I'm feeling a lot more hopeful than I was earlier today: moving out is an option, my husband and I are at least learning to decode each other, and I'm finally seeing a psychiatrist!

 

Seriously, your guys' posts made this difference. Gave me the strength to tell my husband I was sick of it. And it snapped him to action, surprisingly.

[janedoe67]

I will be perfectly frank, Eroded. A music degree is a complete waste of time in 2013. I wish I could be more specific, but trust me, I KNOW that music - even music education - is just about the WORST choice for a major there is in this day and age.

 

I know a little about having a husband who was coddled by parents and a whole lot about uber conservative church sects.

 

You are young, you have no children. I believe in marriage, but if you were my daughter I would tell you to protect yourself financially and then get out.

[Eivuwan]

I am glad that you are taking some steps to get out of the situation, but you have to love yourself more. You should look at actions and not words and all his actions have told you that he is a selfish brat. Please just get yourself out and stop giving him chances. You have a history of choosing boys for a husband and you need to stop the pattern if you want a partner who loves and respects you.

[Eroded]

Another update. My husband and I were doing very well for a few days, and I was happily planning our future. We were acting as giddy as we were when we were dating and my mood was very stable. I felt more hope with each passing day.

 

He informed me at 11:30 PM the night before, over the phone because I'm an hour away at my mom's, that he no longer wants to be married to me, and he has made up his mind already. I began crying and tried to ask for clarification and he just got very cold and dryly kept saying he couldn't understand me. I asked him via text afterward and he said I should get some sleep.

 

I texted him the next day about the changes and plans we were implementing to have a happier marriage, and that this comes out of nowhere for me. He then told me that he's already "forgiven [me]," harbors no negative feelings towards me, but has made up his mind. I asked if he planned to file for divorce and said I'd be by our house later to get some things. He'd said going to the house was fine, but no answer.

 

Five hours later, I was still reeling from this revelation and got another text as my mom came into the house with the same one, saying that yes, he is filing for divorce very soon and didn't tell me earlier because he lacked the strength. He also said he'd put my house keys (I accidentally left my purse at home) in the mailbox since he was "tutoring someone", which is a lie because I didn't tell him what time I'd be there and he has no tutoring students on Thursdays, and he'd likely be breaking down too much to do it. So he was just avoiding me and trying not to see me.

 

He later told me that he no longer loves me (contrary to a few days ago) and that my depression scares him because he always worries that I'm gonna snap any day now (even though I began getting treatment this week for it). He said I need to respect his freedom to make a decision.

 

His mom dropped flowers and a card to my mom's house on Tuesday for a seemingly random reason. The card said, "You are in our thoughts and prayers..." My mom said his mom was very dry and wanted to get off her property as quickly as possible, which kinda scared her and my sister. I'm guessing this had been planned and known by all of his family for a few days now.

 

I feel broken and sick to my stomach. When I found out he had depression, mild Tourette's, ADHD, and anxiety, I did all I could to research it all to understand him better and loved even those parts of him. When I get diagnosed with depression (caused solely by this situation) and begin getting on track to treat it, he leaves me and kicks me out of the house.