Billygoat Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 Any advice greatly appreciated, been a long few months and struggling knowing where to turn. I am married and had an EA this year that turned sexual, we have both now accepted we need to move on but its so hard. We work in the same building, different floors but regularly chat on IM and take lunches together. I see alot of posts on here recommend NC but I know I could not cope with that, also would cost me my job. I am hoping with the support of a good wife who does not know the full picture and friends including the OW I can slowly become myself again. What are your thoughts, I am still in an EA with the OW just not sexual which is enough but is it right in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
rumbleseat Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 Firstly, the ow is not your friend. Part of the problem is that you don't seem to have good boundaries between friend and romantic relationship. If you did, this would not have happened. The same is true for her. If you really think that you can turn to her now as "just a friend', and that she will be able to act as one, then I suggest you think about that a bit more. Maybe, someday way down the line, it could happen, but right now things are too fresh and new. As for having to have contact with her for work. What kind of workplace forces it's employees to be friends with one another? Colleagues, yes, friends, no. Keep your contact strictly professional. Secondly, is the person you say your wife loves the real you, or just the "you" that you are allowing her to see right now? Do you think she would still want to be with you if she knew the whole truth? Doesn't she deserve a chance to make decisions about her life based on the truth? Third, you stand a much better chance to having a better marriage if she does know the truth. If she does, then the two of you can do the work together that it's going to take to make your marriage strong again. In every way, the truth is your best option. After all, affairs are like mushrooms, they grow best in the dark ( and with a good helping of manure). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 Please read "Not Just Friends" to help you with this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 An.EA is almost worse than the physical and eventually you will falter. You are not friends and cannot be friends at this time and you will not be normal add long as you hold onto this other woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Wambo Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 Any advice greatly appreciated, been a long few months and struggling knowing where to turn. I am married and had an EA this year that turned sexual, we have both now accepted we need to move on but its so hard. We work in the same building, different floors but regularly chat on IM and take lunches together. I see alot of posts on here recommend NC but I know I could not cope with that, also would cost me my job. I am hoping with the support of a good wife who does not know the full picture and friends including the OW I can slowly become myself again. What are your thoughts, I am still in an EA with the OW just not sexual which is enough but is it right in the long run. The best thing to do is slowly limit contact over a several months period and when the time comes to go NC, it wouldn't be so harsh on both of you. I wouldn't recommend going full NC on day one because it will effect both you emotionally and your work performance. Just take things nice and slow. Be respectful of each other and in time you will be able to drift apart and focus on your marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KentuckyGent Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 I wouldn't recommend going full NC on day one I would. It really is the only way 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 (edited) like the Billygoat on your handle reads, you have no sense at all. you want to end the affair, but keep in contact with this woman. you want the support of your wife and friends, but don't want to come entirely clean to them. you are seriously deluding yourself if you believe you can half-ass a reconciliation with these stipulations in place. start acting like the man you think you are and DO THE RIGHT THING. you very well know what that is. Edited October 4, 2013 by Artie Lang 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wambo Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 I would. It really is the only way Going NC on a co worker isn't easy and worst it's going to effect both their performances. This is why I recommend limiting contact over the months to the point it's easy to go into NC. It worked for me because we both gave each other breadcrumbs and over time I slowly withdrawn myself from the situation. I still get emotionally hurt but I do a feel a lot better then compared the previous months. In fact we are at the point of going our seperate ways and I want to enter full NC by the end of the year. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Billygoat Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 As per my earlier post some would say I am trying to have my cake and eat it but I so want to stay friends with AP. I am married and got into an EA which has taken over my life, need to know what AP is doing 24/7. We remain very close, so much so we both offer advice to each other on everything. I think it is all one way in respect I am the one who wants the perfect friendship but finding it hard switching off and AP is managing but I am left struggling. So my question is will it get easier and when will I get back to my old self, fun, laughs but also with a great friend. I accept we are just friends, thats not the issue just need to learn to stop obsessing. Link to post Share on other sites
whereamigoing Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 It will happen but slowly. You need a distraction to help with the process. Do you have a hobby? Or a new one you've always wanted to try? Volunteer with a local group? Take over the organizing of the next fundraiser. Get involved in something that will suck up a lot of time and take your focus. Recovery takes work, it won't just happen on its own. Link to post Share on other sites
JPMC Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 Want it to get easier? Break the bubble and break off the EA. You are one suffering because your heart is not an on/off switch. Secondly, you are using energy that should be channeled to your wife to your lover. Men and women who have been romantically involved cannot be friends. Period. I broke off my affair after getting caught. We were friends for years previously and turned into lovers. I miss her and loved her and the attention. We laughed for hours talking, and if she called now, would talk for hours. However, I'm married, she is divorced and dating someone else. Making the same mistakes as in the past. It's not when I have spoken to her that it hurts. It's the hangover afterward where I start analyzing. Then, I'm in a anxious fog for 2 or 3 days. It's no way to live. I feel that if I can't have her, I don't want to know what she's doing. To protect myself. I don't even know if I sincerely wish her the best. Because it doesn't include me. Link to post Share on other sites
JPMC Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 get a new job for starters....support? don't tell any of your friends. Especially the AP. You need to look at this logically once you calm down. Stop all unnecessary contact immediately. Want a friend, get a dog. Link to post Share on other sites
whereamigoing Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 "Men and women who have been romantically involved cannot be friends. Period. " Actually, yes they can. It takes work, maturity, and open communication. It may not have worked for you but I am good friends with most of my ex relationship partners, in fact some of those friendships are my closest. It may not work for everyone but if you can make it work it can be very rewarding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thecharade Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 Imagine your wife saying, "Her or me! One more word and I'm gone!" You would never, ever speak to your OW again. So pretend, for her sake. Just let her be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 "Men and women who have been romantically involved cannot be friends. Period. " Actually, yes they can. It takes work, maturity, and open communication. It may not have worked for you but I am good friends with most of my ex relationship partners, in fact some of those friendships are my closest. It may not work for everyone but if you can make it work it can be very rewarding. It's one thing to be friends with an ex and another to be friends with someone you cheated on your spouse with, if you intend to stay married...for obvious reasons. For the majority of people friendship with an ex doesn't happen instantly, but with time and separation from the situation. I don't think exAPs who one or both are still married should remain friends at all. But even if they wanted to, if your "friendship" involves obsessing over them and leaning on them for all this emotional support, it's an EA and is in no way helping things to move along in a platonic way. Cut contact and go NC is my only suggestion. Being friends with your exAP is not a good idea and you will drive yourself crazy (as you now are) by trying to do this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ConcreteHeart Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 Take it from the experienced people on this board, you can't be friends..trust us. The heart is too strong, the head too involved with hoping for more. In a few weeks or months from now, you will have no idea how you ended up a total mess. Step away now... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
unicorn farts Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 If you want to screw other women, divorce. If you actually want to reconcile you need to find a new job and come clean to your wife. She will find out eventually anyways , and the longer it takes the worse it will be because she will believe every moment of her life with you since the affair was a lie. Read through some of the threads here and you will get a taste of the convoluted painful messes people drag on for years. You don't want that and your wife doesn't deserve it. Whichever road you go down, do it with honesty and integrity. Link to post Share on other sites
Wambo Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 As per my earlier post some would say I am trying to have my cake and eat it but I so want to stay friends with AP. I am married and got into an EA which has taken over my life, need to know what AP is doing 24/7. We remain very close, so much so we both offer advice to each other on everything. I think it is all one way in respect I am the one who wants the perfect friendship but finding it hard switching off and AP is managing but I am left struggling. So my question is will it get easier and when will I get back to my old self, fun, laughs but also with a great friend. I accept we are just friends, thats not the issue just need to learn to stop obsessing. I know this is hard to accept but you need to let go and move on. Your primary concern is repairing your marriage and this can not happen untill you end the EA. You aren't the only one who wanted to end the affair but remain friends. However doing the later is almost impossible and just encourage further emotional stress. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 Questions.... How old are you? The OW? Is the OW married? Does she have children? How long have you been married? Do you have children? Why would you lose your job? What have you told your wife? Anything? What do you plan to keep from her? Personally, I don't think you can become yourself until you break out of the fog (as you nicely titled this thread). And to do that you must limit your contact or have no contact with the OW. Why? Because as you said, you need to see her and be with her and know everything about her. And why is that? Because she is more of an addiction than a love interest. To break that addiction you must go cold turkey. Easy? Nope. Necessary? Yup. Besides, if you want to hide any of this from your wife, then you will need to break the addiction or it is guaranteed that your addiction will reveal your affair. BTW, please....you are in the midst of a full blown affair. Don't try to minimize it by calling it an EA. You already had sex. CURRENTLY you are restraining yourselves but you will resume the physical connection at some time in the future if you don't break the addiction cycle. And do you think your wife will think better of you if it is only an EA? Is that what you told her so far? Have you neglected to mention the sex part? Help us out and add some info. I don't judge you at all. My posts here will attest to that. But I can say that you need to change your attitude towards your actions if you want to become yourself again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 What are your thoughts, I am still in an EA with the OW just not sexual which is enough but is it right in the long run. Affair fog is tough. I found disclosure to largely dissipate it. One suggestion, since you're married, would be to crunch the numbers comparing a job move versus the financial hit from a dissolution action. With the former, you at least have some control over the process. With the latter, the laws of the jurisdiction generally control and one can have minimal options to mitigate collateral damage to one's net worth. Food for thought. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Billygoat Posted October 8, 2013 Author Share Posted October 8, 2013 Thanks for your replies folks, some really good comments. In answer to James I am 35, ap is 28 and single. Wife knows I have got very close, even as far as EA but not it all. Close friend says telling all is not sometimes the best thing, I need to learn to live with the pain and in time will get easier. I just wish I knew what was for the best, really do as life on both sides of the coin seems sad at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
thecharade Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 Oh, carhill! So romantic! Billygoat, I'll never get it, but for some reason, none of your feelings will matter when faced with losing your "life." When dday hits, your rational side won't care about your stupid feelings. Luv shmuv. I'll never get how all of the passion and sadness and longing for the AP turn to dust, but it will. It's in your DNA, in the Y strand. So please leave your OW alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Billygoat Posted October 13, 2013 Author Share Posted October 13, 2013 Its about committing but having that friendship, whilst hard I will do everything to try and succeed. Link to post Share on other sites
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