Past RelationshipZ

[MaGz]

me and this guy have bin together for about 7 months....ok im going to tell you the storey...me and my boy friend met in a chat room and well he had a girl friend in real life and i had a boy friend in real life and well they were sexually active and 2 months after we got together as net bf and gf we kinda fell in love...and have met and all and a month after they broke up she tells him shes pregnanat...he didnt want the kid, but i talked him into it and he understood that he made a mistake and he was gonna love the kid but she got in a car accident and said tht she miss carried and now she comes up 7 months pregnant and were back at that same point i know ima have to be a mom this young and im scared cuz shes an alcohaulic drug addict and with a drug addict and well i know this is a big responsibility and all but its just i know hes muh sole mate and all that but i know im going to do this...do you think im trowing my life away too early?? im 17 and hes 18 but i dun want this kidgrowing up in foster care or her care ...cuz this kid is innocent in all this..and that is my bfs kid she had a blood test done and all and im just scared and not sure im ready for this step im going to take it but i just need to know if im making a big mistak thats gonna cost me the rest of my life....can u give me any advie???

[Tony T]

I don't think you ought to feel like you have to marry this guy and be with him the rest of your life just so you can be a mother to the child he's having with another lady. You have no obligation to do that.

 

You even had to talk this guy into wanting the kid...he really isn't into it.

 

You are very young and your relationship is very young. It has not had enough time to really get to a point where you know if this is the man you want to be with the rest of your life. If you take on this child and get attached to it, you will add much more pressure and a whole new dimension to a relationship you truly can't be sure of at this point.

 

When we are young and in love we just think that it will conquer all. The most important mistake we often make is in thinking it will last forever. The truth is that until we are 20 to 25, we really aren't in a position to actually make a real good judgement about that. The divorce rate is very high for teens, and no a whole lot lower for those who get married in their early 20s. Marriage and family is serious business.

 

This is your boyfriend's kid and it's entirely his responsiblity and that of the girl. You are best served by letting them work this out. If she's on drugs and screwed up otherwise, let her seek treatment.

 

Your boyfriend got himself into this jam and it's his responsibility to deal with it, not put all or part of it off on you.

 

I think if this baby were yours, yes, you should take some steps to become a family...even though that would never ever ensure it's success. But right now, being a mommy to this kid sounds romantic because you are very fond of this guy...playing house with a live baby sounds like fun...but, babe, if you talk to some women who have been there...or spend some time with a girl who has a baby, you may quickly change your mind.

 

There's a time for motherhood but I don't think a 17 year old has reached it. If you get involved in this situation, my feeling is you will truly regret it...and it could be the nightmare of your life. It already is for other people and you are buying into it on your own.

 

If you don't take the advice you recieve here, seek that of a wise adult or counsellor. Ask them for all the pluses and minuses and make your decision accordingly.

 

My take on this is to forget this guy, let him deal with his stuff, and you go out and have some fun...and be careful not to get pregnant. You are the lucky one is all this because it's a problem you don't have to get sucked into.

[MaGz]

see i think and know im ready for mother hood ive bin on my own since i was 12 raising my broher whos ten years younger then me...hes 10 now and he call me mom and i have another brother whos 4 my dad was a buisness man and never had time for us my mom...well lets just say she hates kids and ran out on me and my dad when i was 2...i know he cant handle this by himself...and i dont think hes never even touched a diaper...i know i love him..and i know what its like to raise a kid...actually 2 of them its not playing house and i can handle this...i cant have fun i got 2 kids and myself to take care of and my bfz great with them and loves them like his own...and he makes good money and so do i and were both in college and everything so its hard but i pay for my sitter and yeh and no one said n e thing about marrige me and him had that discussion when he found out she was still pregnant...me and him both just dont want this kid to grow up like we did...between foster cares..this mother wants nothing to do with this kid so i volunteered even if we dont stay together to be the babys mommy .... i know its a big responsibility but im very confident i can handle it! u made some clear points but i should have made this stuff clear earlier...sorry my heads just ina hard place right now...i want to know if theres anything i can do to make my relationship fun as well as all the hard work were both gonna have to put into plus with school and work...cuz we rarely see eachother as it iz..thank you

I don't think you ought to feel like you have to marry this guy and be with him the rest of your life just so you can be a mother to the child he's having with another lady. You have no obligation to do that. You even had to talk this guy into wanting the kid...he really isn't into it. You are very young and your relationship is very young. It has not had enough time to really get to a point where you know if this is the man you want to be with the rest of your life. If you take on this child and get attached to it, you will add much more pressure and a whole new dimension to a relationship you truly can't be sure of at this point. When we are young and in love we just think that it will conquer all. The most important mistake we often make is in thinking it will last forever. The truth is that until we are 20 to 25, we really aren't in a position to actually make a real good judgement about that. The divorce rate is very high for teens, and no a whole lot lower for those who get married in their early 20s. Marriage and family is serious business. This is your boyfriend's kid and it's entirely his responsiblity and that of the girl. You are best served by letting them work this out. If she's on drugs and screwed up otherwise, let her seek treatment. Your boyfriend got himself into this jam and it's his responsibility to deal with it, not put all or part of it off on you. I think if this baby were yours, yes, you should take some steps to become a family...even though that would never ever ensure it's success. But right now, being a mommy to this kid sounds romantic because you are very fond of this guy...playing house with a live baby sounds like fun...but, babe, if you talk to some women who have been there...or spend some time with a girl who has a baby, you may quickly change your mind. There's a time for motherhood but I don't think a 17 year old has reached it. If you get involved in this situation, my feeling is you will truly regret it...and it could be the nightmare of your life. It already is for other people and you are buying into it on your own. If you don't take the advice you recieve here, seek that of a wise adult or counsellor. Ask them for all the pluses and minuses and make your decision accordingly. My take on this is to forget this guy, let him deal with his stuff, and you go out and have some fun...and be careful not to get pregnant. You are the lucky one is all this because it's a problem you don't have to get sucked into.

[Tony T]

Psychologists would describe your childhood as highly abusive. It is very seriously abusive to delegate adult responsiblities, like raising children, to a child...in this case it was you.

 

You have come from a highly dysfunctional family situation and you are extremely codependent. You are now seeking to save everyone in the world and you just can't bring yourself to assert your own needs. You have this overwhelming desire to just jump in and make everybody's life OK.

 

You won't heal from your childhood abuse in a week, a month or even a year. You may never recover if you don't realize that what you experienced was highly abusive and deadly for a child to go through.

 

In just a short space, I cannot explain all the dynamics of dysfunctional families and the adult children that come from them. You will have to learn in your own good time. There are books out there you can read.

 

Suffice it to say that I hear you when you write that you want to do this. One day, your life may normalize and only then will you realize that it's OK to make choices in your life that make YOUR life better. It's OK to look out for yourself and not take on the problems and burdens of others. Your life will in no way improve, it will not be brighter, if you dive in to this situation. You will only dig yourself deeper into your stuff and further complicate your life.

 

But it looks really nice on paper and it appears very loving that you are willing to make such supreme sacrifices for the child of another woman who had sex with your man. I hope one day you will make decisions based on having your own needs met and not on meeting the needs of everybody else on the block. You have a life to live and that will never happen while you are bogging yourself down with other people's problems.

[MaGz]

im going to councling and taking child phycology classes...ive bin going to counsling and my phycologist says that im doing better and that this is a good decision for me concidering when i am not busy and have no responisbilities...i have nothing...and ill start to slack, i just dont ant anybody i love to go through this much, its his kid, hes gonna pay for it, but he cant do it by himself....i know i have problems, family issuses and im getting help...about everything in my life i wanna be a child physcologist...and i love children and they love me....i love my boyfriend and my brothers and i love myself and im over what my mom put me through..im never gonna be like her...and my dad had 6 kids he got left with so he had to work...i helped out cuz he needed the help he was a painter and he had to work at night too to sopport all these kids from my mom who left him...the woman is no where to be found and no ones herd from her since my 15 old sis was born and she gave her up for adoption...i just found my sister...when my dad remarried that woman tried to help with the kids but she got stressed and got into a car accident the day after my 4 yr old brother danny was born...my dad was a good man who loved us all dearly and tried with all his heart to make us happy in every way..i remeber waking up at 1 am to a kiss on the cheek and him telling me he loves me and everything will be ok soon cuz his raise was comming...i know it doesnt seem like someone my age can handle all this all at once...but it hasnt bin all at once..im here in the moment figuring everything out and my bf is going through the same thing...he came from a disfuntional family and we live together with my 2 brothers and he helps me with them...he didnt have a problem with it...and still doesnt...hes great with them..they love him like a dad...he acts like a good dad...they both know where they came from and they are smart and helpfull little kids and they pray b4 they go to bed ... they go to church with me and my bf on sunday and they love it...god makes everything so easy and has brought so much love into my life...i couldnt amagine my life with out my brothers and my bf...god brought us together...and god has a reason for everything..i was j/w how to keep my relatoionship happy...when we do have the time to be alone..so i know i have isuses...who doesnt now dayz??? but i couldnt have gotten through them with out the loe of these beautiful 3 people in my life today...there smile proves i made the right decision...

Psychologists would describe your childhood as highly abusive. It is very seriously abusive to delegate adult responsiblities, like raising children, to a child...in this case it was you.

 

You have come from a highly dysfunctional family situation and you are extremely codependent. You are now seeking to save everyone in the world and you just can't bring yourself to assert your own needs. You have this overwhelming desire to just jump in and make everybody's life OK. You won't heal from your childhood abuse in a week, a month or even a year. You may never recover if you don't realize that what you experienced was highly abusive and deadly for a child to go through. In just a short space, I cannot explain all the dynamics of dysfunctional families and the adult children that come from them. You will have to learn in your own good time. There are books out there you can read. Suffice it to say that I hear you when you write that you want to do this. One day, your life may normalize and only then will you realize that it's OK to make choices in your life that make YOUR life better. It's OK to look out for yourself and not take on the problems and burdens of others. Your life will in no way improve, it will not be brighter, if you dive in to this situation. You will only dig yourself deeper into your stuff and further complicate your life. But it looks really nice on paper and it appears very loving that you are willing to make such supreme sacrifices for the child of another woman who had sex with your man. I hope one day you will make decisions based on having your own needs met and not on meeting the needs of everybody else on the block. You have a life to live and that will never happen while you are bogging yourself down with other people's problems.