Sexless relationship is so painful

[Hart_up]

My wife and I have been together for nearly 5 years, she is 34 and I am 30. We had a baby 2 years ago (unplanned) and married 5 months ago. I have been happy with her for most of this time, we have ups and downs but I love her and really hope we could be together forever.

 

Recently it has dawned on me that our sex life is terrible and it is causing me terrible pain. She has never gone down on me apart from the first week or two we started dating, she refuses to now. I don't go down on her as she told me when we met that 'it did nothing for her', so I didn't. At the start the sex itself was amazing (she admits this to), then after the honeymoon period we moved in together and still had regular and decent sex. That all changed when we found out she was pregnant. I believe I am a good guy and must acknowledge that the pregnancy was v tough (she had an op to remove a cyst) and was sick for around 7 of 9 months; we were there for each other emotionally and now have an amazing son. I don't ever remember complaining about lack of sex (we hardly did it during that pregnancy but I was ok with that). I should add that I have suffered from panic attacks and anxiety since this pregnancy and this has taken its toll on our relationship since then.

 

Following the birth of our baby (2 years ago) our sex life has been dreadful. She often finds sex painful but also never initiates it, only ever missionary and doesn't seem to enjoy it or want to do it. She sometimes offers to do it out of pity. On average we have done it maybe once every 3-4 weeks since our baby was born, and it is not very fulfilling. My sex drive is quite high but we are lacking in desire and intimacy and it is killing me, whilst she seems unbothered. We both have fairly busy lives but don't seem to make time for each other to be intimate. I am afraid the sex will never been the same again.

 

Now we found out she is pregnant again 3 months ago, we haven't had sex since then. Yes, she has had morning sickness but since finding out I have been rejected even further such that she won't even touch me in any way, won't even kiss me, and thinks I am being selfish by even asking. I feel jealous as I believe she was fairly sexually active before she met me and I am just 'Mr nice guy' there to provide her with kids and a decent way of live. I feel I am a loving, good looking person who is a good husband and father but have been deprived of something that is so essential to a good marriage. I know that our relationship could not survive without sex or any basic intimacy in the long run.

 

I confronted her about all this recently and threatened to leave her. She appears to be even unsure if she loves me or desires me any more. We both acknowledge this might be hormones but that seems extreme. She thinks that the problem is not sexual and has been caused by life events in the last three months (finding out about pregnancy, moving house and new jobs), which I agree with to a degree but I think she is ignoring the lack of intimacy and sex over the last 2-3 years. She point blank still refuses to touch me. The problem is now that we appear to resent each other - she makes no effort to please me sexually and I feel unloved, unattractive and depressed. She thinks I complain about it and because she is pregnant now it is not a problem that can be solved until after the baby is due; of course I see this as an excuse.

 

All this has left me devastated to breaking point and I am thinking I might have to leave her. I feel utterly rejected and unloved. I don't know what to do. Leaving my children would break my heart but I cannot continue in a loveless relationship where I am completely unfulfilled. Life is too short and I would not want my children to have to endure a break up when they are older and in the meantime live with unhappy parents. I do have a sense of responsibility to my wife given we are having another baby and am willing to give it some time to improve but I cannot see how it can. I have not yet considered an affair as I love my wife too much.

 

Please help me decide what to do! My only current thinking is that if I have to go through with a split I will but it will break my heart and cause pain for those around me, but I cannot live like this.

 

Thanks.

[cozycottagelg]

Is it just sex she is withholding? Does she hug you and kiss you and make you feel like she loves you?

 

I can understand the loss of a sex drive, the thing that concerns me is that she isn't making you feel loved at all. But maybe it just wasn't mentioned in your original post.

[Philosoraptor]

I must ask, if you were unhappy before you married her why in the world did you go through with the marriage?

 

But since you're caught here now I'd suggest either a sex therapist and at the very least marriage counseling. If she is either uncooperative or unwilling to attend then you need to think about how to amicably end the relationship.

[Hart_up]

cozycottagelg - no there is pretty much a loss of all affection. We are good friends and play with our child together but everything else feels a bit fake. We are able to do things socially and enjoy the time together but then I end up resenting the fact that there is no real affection shown. Thanks for your comments .

[Got it]

You guys have had a pretty fast evolution in your relationship and sounds like a LOT of changes in a short amount of time, so not a lot of time to build foundation.

 

I too agree that MC is a great first step to start working together and compromising. Your needs are important, her needs are important and a happy medium is paramount. Start thinking about being "all in" on the relationship and resolve in any manner before thinking about having one foot out. My best advice is do everything you can to try and resolve things. This doesn't mean settling and ignoring your needs by any means. But pushing for a way to come to that happy medium.

[dichotomy]

As mentioned I would find a sex therapist/Marriage counselor.

 

AASECT :: American Association of Sex Counselors, Educators & Therapists

 

 

Even if the marriage looks unsolvable after therapy - you will feel better you at least tried. Most experts say it’s best for the child as early as possible to divorce. But your wife is pregnant and it seems a bit harsh and not right to end things for a while and keep trying and working to see if you can save it.

 

But I don't know- you guys are already just roommates now - maybe if Marriage therapy fails you could make some special arrangements to formalize co-parenting roommates?

 

While you say the sex was decent early on - you also say there was never, even from the beginning much (if any) oral sex at all. How is that decent sex? Why did you continue to see her? Also with the state of your marriage such as it is - why no birth controls to prevent second child?

[TigerCub]

While you say the sex was decent early on - you also say there was never, even from the beginning much (if any) oral sex at all. How is that decent sex? Why did you continue to see her? Also with the state of your marriage such as it is - why no birth controls to prevent second child?

 

So many very valid questions.

I hope OP answers them.

 

Also, OP, if she doesn't want to have sex with you - would she object to having an open relationship - that way at least you can get some sex?

[Mr. Lucky]

I should add that I have suffered from panic attacks and anxiety since this pregnancy and this has taken its toll on our relationship since then.

Can you elaborate on this? Do you see the pregnancy and the attacks as related and what treatment have you pursued?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Hart_up]

The panic attacks were probably caused by over work and over-stress. I struggled to cope once our baby was born (sure I am not the first parent to do so) but with combination of beta-blockers, therapy and exercise it is more under control. To be fair, my wife has been incredible at picking up the burden where I have struggled, but overall I have been a very active Dad in doing night feeds, soothing etc as well as working full time.