cat Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 Ahh, The famous "Hoover maneuver" How to Recognize it and Move Forward The Hoover maneuver is named after the famous vacuum cleaner. It describes behavior common among [abusers]. It occurs most often when a victim threatens to leave, or actually leaves, a relationship. The intent of the hoover is to get the victim back into the relationship. Since abusers know which ’buttons or triggers’ to push in their partners, and since victim’s are such dedicated and compassionate people, it is far too often successful. Those with the disorder use all kings of behaviors to ’suck you back into’ the relationship. This can include through kindness, guilt, apologies, tears, threats of suicide, protestations of eternal love, the list is endless. For instance: "I’ve NEVER loved anyone the way I love you. No one has ever been as good to me as you are." etc. (Remember, the abuser knows all your vulnerabilities, and knows how to use them for their purposes and to meet their needs, not yours. It is always about them, and never about you. Except when it’s ’your fault’.) During a typical hoovering your abuser reverts to the way they were when you were courting. They may act in loving kind ways, swear he/she will get help, says, promises, vows, that s/he won’t do a particular abusive behavior again, will really change this time. When the victim believes the hoover and re-enters the relationship, this is referred to as having "been hoovered" . It is important to note that the promises of change won’t last. Holy crap, jlola! LOVE THIS! Yesterday my xMM who--by his own admission no longer wants me-- brought his dog to come see me and offered to take my car and have the battery replaced! (I said H*** NO.) Not to t/j here-- KentuckyGent-- IGNORE THAT CRAP. She is probably not messing with you intentionally, but she's not offering you what you want. And despite the pain, you can't go back to before this all happened. Just ignore, keep posting here, and wait for it to pass. Stay strong!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 You never let her H know about her A with you!? . . . you should. She'll leave you alone then! She obviously has no fear you will out her to her H. Maybe she believes you won't because you she knows you don't want to jeopardize any chance of her resuming with you. You were very vulnerable (chemo and all that) when she started this crap with you. If she keeps contacting, acting like you are best buds (obviously you don't want to be friends with her), do the right thing and out her to her H. She will always be in the back of your mind, wondering what she is doing, maybe she will come back to you. Link to post Share on other sites
jlola Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 (edited) This song is a famous one. Listen to the words. What a hoover. "Now, you're back from outer space. I just walked in to find you here would that sad look upon your face" "Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye, did you think I'd crumble, did you think I'd lay down and die" "And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free" It's all abut ego and them using you to make themselves feel better. I've been there. Fallen for the "You are the only person I have ever loved" , "I never loved my ex like this" bullcrap! Ignoring actions and listening to words. But then I wised up. I see through these types of people now. I can even tell the next move. people who love you do not leave you!!! These types always come back, not out of love. But because they have a "sucker" to play with and manipulate to make them feel good whenever they are down. I used to be very good ego supply. But proud to say "NO MORE"! Edited October 3, 2013 by jlola Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 she wants a reaction.... positive or negative... it doesn't matter. Give her NOTHING 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cat Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 This song is a famous one. Listen to the words. What a hoover. "Now, you're back from outer space. I just walked in to find you here would that sad look upon your face" "Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye, did you think I'd crumble, did you think I'd lay down and die" "And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free" It's all abut ego and them using you to make themselves feel better. I've been there. Fallen for the "You are the only person I have ever loved" , "I never loved my ex like this" bullcrap! Ignoring actions and listening to words. But then I wised up. I see through these types of people now. I can even tell the next move. people who love you do not leave you!!! These types always come back, not out of love. But because they have a "sucker" to play with and manipulate to make them feel good whenever they are down. I used to be very good ego supply. But proud to say "NO MORE"! Do they know they're doing it? I don't think I"m naive when I say I can't imagine my MM doing this intentionally. I don't think he's a calculated person, or smart enough to plan this. I just think the ego-desire is so intense with him that he acts sub-consciously. And I also think he "can't stand" that I may hate him or think he's an *******--because he can't deal with the fact that it may be true! Or maybe I'm wrong and it is intentional. And same with KG's woman. EX-woman. P.S. Now I'm saving all my loving for someone who's loving me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KentuckyGent Posted October 3, 2013 Author Share Posted October 3, 2013 Wish I could share the video. It is so obvious. At the end, she puts on a pair of sunglasses and blows kisses to the camera. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 Wish I could share the video. It is so obvious. At the end, she puts on a pair of sunglasses and blows kisses to the camera. Aww, how adorable . Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted October 3, 2013 Share Posted October 3, 2013 Did it make you laugh? Link to post Share on other sites
Author KentuckyGent Posted October 3, 2013 Author Share Posted October 3, 2013 Not in the least!! Link to post Share on other sites
HtotheN Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 Wish I could share the video. It is so obvious. At the end, she puts on a pair of sunglasses and blows kisses to the camera. Barf! I have never disliked someone whom I have never met before, until now. lol Stay strong, and ignore, ignore, ignore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 Not in the least!! Hi KG, I have followed your threads, read of your ordeal and I could feel your emotions coming through the computer screen. Just curious how you are progressing? Care to share? Link to post Share on other sites
Author KentuckyGent Posted October 11, 2013 Author Share Posted October 11, 2013 Doing pretty well actually. I have my moments but I don't think of her every minute of every day like I did. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 Doing pretty well actually. I have my moments but I don't think of her every minute of every day like I did. Glad to hear it. I'm sorry for what you've gone through. I lurked for quite awhile before posting on LS. I read so many stories and a few have really stuck in my head. Reading your threads from first to now, I see that it is possible to START to feel semi normal as the pain SLOWLY subsides. Thank you for your update. Link to post Share on other sites
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