Propensity for emotional affairs???

[lindsay1990]

Hi all,

 

 

I am wondering your thoughts on some people maybe having a propensity to fall into emotional affairs.

 

 

Specifically: do you think someone who has once or twice (or thrice) been the EAP of others (even though they themselves were single at the time) will likely fall into an EA affair again while attached? Either being the EAP or just having an EA behind their new partner's back?

 

 

I apologize if I don't make myself understood, English is not my first language. But case in point is my (ex)boyfriend, while single and never having had a girlfriend, was the EAP of two of his married woman friends. I was always worried that he would either become these women's (or other women's) EAP all over again, or even have an EA on me. What do you think? Do cheaters indeed never change when it comes to EA? And can they switch back and forth from cheater to cheat-partner?

[drifter777]

Hi all,

 

 

I am wondering your thoughts on some people maybe having a propensity to fall into emotional affairs.

 

 

Specifically: do you think someone who has once or twice (or thrice) been the EAP of others (even though they themselves were single at the time) will likely fall into an EA affair again while attached? Either being the EAP or just having an EA behind their new partner's back?

 

 

I apologize if I don't make myself understood, English is not my first language. But case in point is my (ex)boyfriend, while single and never having had a girlfriend, was the EAP of two of his married woman friends. I was always worried that he would either become these women's (or other women's) EAP all over again, or even have an EA on me. What do you think? Do cheaters indeed never change when it comes to EA? And can they switch back and forth from cheater to cheat-partner?

I think people like this are really bored with life and need to find some drama to keep them going. The internet is a great place to flirt and whatever as it is a safe place, physically, and a place you can lie about things without fear of discovery. I don't think this necessarily means they will be emotional or physical cheaters in the future, it is a red flag. If the person is addicted to the fantasy and drama of internet relationships they aren't likely to stop.

[lindsay1990]

Oh, these were real-life friends. They were EA where mostly they would talk on the phone and be confidants to one another, but having originally met on platonic terms in real life - as the two women were already married/engaged when he befriended them.

[giblesp]

I've been the EAP 3 times in the past, and have left behavior like that behind me. Have never cheated on a partner in any way, never would.

[giblesp]

Are you asking because of a current situation?

[lindsay1990]

Not particular.y. Wondering as this was the case of my most recent ex boyfriend. I ask you: did you remain friends with the people whose EAP you used to be? I mean, once you found a partner of your own did you keep the friendship going with your previous EAP, and how was the transition from EA to legit friendship? If yes, was your new partner okay with the friendship/closeness?

[harrybrown]

It depends upon the boundaries that the person has for set for their personal worth.

 

Some people have set boundaries that they will not cross to avoid EAs or PAs.

 

If the person does not have these boundaries set in their character, when the situation arises, the person could easily enter into the EA.

 

If they have not had counseling to see why they do not have that in their self-worth, then it will be easier for them to fall into the temptation.

[lindsay1990]

Yeah, naturally it depends on boundaries. What do you LSers think are the appropriate boundaries that former-EAP should have towards their former-"emotional cheaters", once attached?

 

I ask because it always bothered me that my ex would be remain friends with women whose EAP he had been right up until meeting me. He would say the EA had been before, and this was now. And that now, there was just friendship.

 

How do you guys feel about this boundary? Should I have demanded he remove himself from these friendships seeing as how so recently he had been the EAP of his married women friend?

 

I used to hard such a hard time with this and now I wonder if I was overreacting. But I always did feel threatened that there were these women who at some point meant enough to him to make him cross these boundaries into the EA (despite knowing and calling himself a friend on their husbands too) so I never really trusted these "friendship" - regardless of him swearing up and down that the EA part was in thepast and now it was all platonic friendship.

Edited October 3, 2013 by lindsay1990

[giblesp]

Not particular.y. Wondering as this was the case of my most recent ex boyfriend. I ask you: did you remain friends with the people whose EAP you used to be? I mean, once you found a partner of your own did you keep the friendship going with your previous EAP, and how was the transition from EA to legit friendship? If yes, was your new partner okay with the friendship/closeness?

 

I didn't remain friends with two of them as they were dishonest with me for their own selfish needs.

 

With one of them I have remained friends for the last 16 years. We've both been single for some of that time and never gone beyond friendship. One of my partners in the past was bothered about the friendship, but she was bothered and paranoid about anything else to do with another woman. My present partner doesn't mind who I'm friends with.

 

If your new partner can trust you, and it really is just a friendship for both people then it shouldn't be a problem. Issues with opposite sex relationships usually come from one person wanting more than friendship.

Edited October 4, 2013 by giblesp

[lindsay1990]

I didn't remain friends with two of them as they were dishonest with me for their own selfish needs.

 

With one of them I have remained friends for the last 16 years. We've both been single for some of that time and never gone beyond friendship. One of my partners in the past was bothered about the friendship, but she was bothered and paranoid about anything else to do with another woman. My present partner doesn't mind who I'm friends with.

 

If your new partner can trust you, and it really is just a friendship for both people then it shouldn't be a problem. Issues with opposite sex relationships usually come from one person wanting more than friendship.

 

I feel these are the two extremes of caring, and tbh I don't feel identify with either. What I'm relating was my first experience with EAs, but I ask you: if it ever came to choose between your partner and you former EAP, that is, if your current partner asks you to all but eliminate contact with your FEAP, do you feel you would be willing to do this? Let's say it's because she knows of your previous closeness and is very worried that you could fall into the same pattern with this particular woman, what would you do then?

[giblesp]

I feel these are the two extremes of caring, and tbh I don't feel identify with either. What I'm relating was my first experience with EAs, but I ask you: if it ever came to choose between your partner and you former EAP, that is, if your current partner asks you to all but eliminate contact with your FEAP, do you feel you would be willing to do this? Let's say it's because she knows of your previous closeness and is very worried that you could fall into the same pattern with this particular woman, what would you do then?

 

Well, my partner completely trusts me and doesn't mind who I talk to. She knows she's the only one and I make her feel that way.

 

I have had a relationship when my gf asked me to stop contact with a girl who I'd had an EA with years before. Me and the other girl where just friends and had been for sometime. I went along with it, but I felt constricted and mistrusted, which put a strain on the relationship. In fact I had to constantly be careful about talking to other girls, as she was jealous and insecure.

I wouldn't do a relationship like that again.

 

If your partner can completely end any subliminal sexuality he was sharing with girls, as he's now involved with you, then it shouldn't be a problem who he talks to.

Its a question of shared trust and respect.