Totally destroyed by wife's affair with our neighbor

[Mint Sauce]

Which is a shame, because the woman I fell in love with is brilliant, insightful, interesting, and clever. Her mind was always as much of a turn on as her body and I think we've just disengaged and forgotten why we ended up together in the first place.

 

It's clear to me that you haven't forgotten, and that you were/are madly in love with her. It's the other side that is less clear. Was she ever madly in love with you?

 

You keep trying to divide the blame equally. If she married you for rational reasons, pretending to love you, that's all on her.

[2sunny]

Suggest a polygraph. You can't be sure this is her only guy she's cheated with.

 

You two need counseling - are you going? Also a sex therapist may help to find some passion in your lacking sex life.

[Mint Sauce]

I'm not a pushover or softie by any means, but I am a human being and I do have compassion for the situation she was in because I was in a similar situation. She and I made different choices, and she acknowledges that what she did is inexcusable, but I do understand how she got where she got.

 

Your situation was similar but from your story it sounds like she caused that situation! She was the one not willing to sleep with you while you were more than willing to sleep with her! Your compassion is misplaced. If anything, this adds to the insult.

 

Why would it be your fault that she didn't want to sleep with you?

Edited October 4, 2013 by Mint Sauce

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

It's not as simple as just getting another job. I'm a partner in a major American law firm and what I do is highly specialized. Any other job in my field will look exactly like this one. And a total career change just isn't realistic. I do have a lot of flexibility though, so I'm going to try to work from home a lot more when I'm not on the road. I'll look for ways to reduce travel, but that will be tough.

 

You can find something that doesn't require so much travel, maybe even in your own firm. It might involve a pay cut or a loss of stature. Or is that out of the question because you have too big a nut to crack every month?

 

Working at home will make the situation worse. You need a routine where you are apart from each other for part of each day and together part of each day. Not every marriage needs this to the same degree as yours, but your marriage was terrible before the affair. The affair actually did you a favor, otherwise this never would have improved. You have a chance to do something good here, don't pass it up because you have tunnel-vision with your job.

[road]

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

 

Get a job that does not require overnight travel. ON travel is one of the biggest causes of affairs. Idle hands and Vjay's are the devils workshop.

 

Also your WW is lying about the not in your bed. You are gone for weeks at a time. Even if they started on the rec room rug the first week. Believe me they did not stay on the floor by the second week. I sure he spent the nights there. Only normal for your WW to want to be comfortable and would sleep in her own bed with the OM nest to her.

 

You need to get your WW to take a polygraph.

Edited October 4, 2013 by road

[aliveagain]

You need to decide, can you live with the knowledge that she gave herself to another man for the last two years and that included planning to deceive you and lying to you to do it? Will you feel you are cheated and that there is an imbalance that can never be made up? Will staying married to her compensate for the infidelity? This should be your starting point.

[Lokahi117]

She obviously does not feel like she has the truth from you, and you need to know you have the truth from her. So schedule a polygraph for both of you and take it. Write out your questions beforehand so you both know what you want answered. Don't be surprised if she tells you as the time gets near or even in the parking lot that there was more to her story and she needs to confess. Her story sounds so good, that it does sound made up. She is exactly what a husband would hope to hear from a wayward wife. The sex was no good, never did anything with him that she didn't do with you, it ended cause she wanted it to etc etc. so be prepared yourself for your own polygraph. Your refusal to take one will prove to her that which already obviously believes in her mind, that when you travel, you bang everything that moves.

Let me know what you think about this idea.

[atreides]

She obviously does not feel like she has the truth from you, and you need to know you have the truth from her. So schedule a polygraph for both of you and take it. Write out your questions beforehand so you both know what you want answered. Don't be surprised if she tells you as the time gets near or even in the parking lot that there was more to her story and she needs to confess. Her story sounds so good, that it does sound made up. She is exactly what a husband would hope to hear from a wayward wife. The sex was no good, never did anything with him that she didn't do with you, it ended cause she wanted it to etc etc. so be prepared yourself for your own polygraph. Your refusal to take one will prove to her that which already obviously believes in her mind, that when you travel, you bang everything that moves.

Let me know what you think about this idea.

 

 

That can also be taken in a way of "i wont feel guilt if i knew you did it too." It seems like a grasping of straws to me to get him to confess to something that would make her feel less guilt for her actions. What a great cathartic scheme it would be.

[2sunny]

Are you in counseling?

[drifter777]

You think knowing the exact details of their sexual endevors will make you feel better? It won't, it will drive you mad. Only details you need are: "she slept with him". That's it!!

This is rarely true; many BS's need the actual details because what they imagine is probably much more disgusting than the truth. You are entitled to have her answer every question you have. You need to understand that some of the answers might be painful, but she needs to be completely honest and transparent with you.

[Leftoverz]

Thanks for all the comments and suggestions. As I mentioned in my original post, we've both been in therapy for years, and have been doing couples therapy in addition for the past two years.

 

I don't want to create the wrong impression by my tone here. I'm mad as hell. I have sudden, almost blinding fits of anger come out of nowhere. But I didn't come here to vent, so I'm trying to keep my tone civil and focused. One of my fundamental questions is whether I'll ever really get over the anger and betrayal.

 

For those raising the question of her feeling abandoned and alone, there's no question that's how she felt. Frankly, I felt the same way. I'm not cutting her any slack over that, but I do understand it. But as someone else pointed out, I was in the same position and I never had an affair. I mean, we've been doing pretty intensive therapy for 5+ years. That she could sit in our couples sessions and go on about how she doesn't trust me (when she was in a relationship with the neighbor) is just so gob-smacking hypocritical it makes my head spin.

 

For those who think she only told me because she was going to get caught anyway, I really doubt that. I can't even think of anyone who would or could have told me. She told me because we had reached a point where it was obvious our couples therapy was not progressing and her therapist kept pushing her to reveal the truth to me.

 

But everyone making the point that maybe there was never enough physical attraction to begin with could very well be on to something. Things were good in the beginning, but they were never mind-blowing. We have our first child only about a year and a half into the marriage, and from that point forward things got very slow. As I said before, we would talk about it from time to time, but she would say she was too tired, hormonally whacked from the baby and nursing, etc., and I just accepted that. I think friends of hers in similar situations told her similar stories and we just came to accept that that's how it is at this point in life.

 

Except that when the neighbor moved in, she made time for him and wasn't too tired. Our lives were no different, other than that she now had someone around she was interested in. So maybe it's as simple as that. It's heartbreaking, but it may just be the truth.

[2sunny]

What if it's not that simple?

[Scott Thomas]

Dear Leftoverz,

 

My sincere condolences on the state of your marriage. You are going through an incredibly difficult time and will need to stay 'strong' (not necessarily reconcile) for your children's sake.

 

Your wife may still be hiding some information. You need to schedule a polygraph test. Some posters might suggest that you schedule a paternity test for your children. This is your choice and I sincerely hope that a paternity dilemma, while not impossible, is not around the corner.

 

Your wife's behaviour makes me question her motives for staying married. The way your wife treated you because of the craigslist incident while she embarked on her own affair and made you spend hundreds (if not thousands) of dollars on counselling is of particular concern. No offence, but this portrays her as an extremely manipulative and deceptive individual. Wives who love their husbands do not act this way. A confession will not make up for the two years she spent cheating and lying while you socialised with the other person. Did she feel any guilt while you two (the OM) met and dined together? Even someone with a cuckold fetish wouldn't tolerate this. Your wife willingly lied and deceived you. This statement may hurt your feelings and I apologise for this.

 

Additionally, you mentioned that she rarely initiated sex and never seemed interested in you. This is a startling situation, especially since she spent time preparing (make up etc) for the other man and probably experimented with him. Initiating sex with the other man in your own house seems like a slap on your face. There's a chance that they slept in the marital bed. If that's the case, I would advise you to divorce her immediately. The sanctity of the marital home/bed is a line that should never be crossed.

 

You need to ask her why she confessed? Did someone in the neighbourhood discover the affair? What was the catalyst for her confession?

 

At the same time, the fact that she confessed is a good sign. I would point out that you two are responsible (50% each) for the breakdown of your marriage. In a perfect marriage, you would stop these frequent trips, plan date nights/ events with your wife, travel together and work on strengthening your marriage. However, I am not blaming you for her affair. Her decision to forsake her vows, regardless of boredom/predatory OM/loneliness places the fault solely on her shoulders.

 

I agree with posters who have advised you to stop travelling and move out.

However, your wife needs to step up and take responsibility for her actions. If you love her and want to reconcile, then:

 

1. Stop travelling for work.

2. Move to a different neighbourhood.

3. Buy books about affair and read the together (Recovering from affairs, Not Just Friends, His Needs Her Needs). I would recommend 'Women's Infidelity' by Michelle Langley and 'When Good people have Affairs' by Mira Kirshenbaum. Ask your wife to read these.

4. Start marriage counselling with a counsellor who has dealt with infidelity.

5. Ask your wife to visit this forum (or another forum eg Marriage Builders) and read the threads about infidelity and the pain she had caused you. Ask her to post her story and act on the advice she receives. She alone can mend this marriage, and it is imperative that she starts asap.

 

Good Luck!

[bubbaganoosh]

I think if it was me, I would find a way to contact the OM's wife and find out if what this guy has been saying about his wife cheating was true. If he got stung by his wife's cheating, I think he would never wish that pain on anyone else, let alone his good friend living across the street. IMO, I think he was the one that couldn't keep his pants up.

 

Now your going to move away from this guy. How far? 10 miles? 100 miles? You can move to the moon and if she wants to contact him, there's such a thing as a computer and a cell phone. What if you weren't in a position to be able to pull up stakes and move to another town? When you go out of town, she can still meet this guy.

 

What I'm trying to say is that you had sex with her 100 times in 10 years and she was free wheeling to give it to him pretty much on demand and from what you said it's not like you ignore her or tell her that you don't love her. You got hosed by her and she had no problem dropping her pants for this guy and now she comes clean. I think that she might feel that someone saw something that they shouldn't have seen and she's coming clean before she gets her head handed to her.

 

You an attorney so your not a dummy. I would be real skeptical about her story and no doubt that nonsense about her not screwing him in your bed............or your home is nothing but another slap to your face. I would take her to get a polygraph test today. Although if it was me, she would have her bags packed and be knocking on the OM's door for a place to live.

[Scott Thomas]

I think if it was me, I would find a way to contact the OM's wife and find out if what this guy has been saying about his wife cheating was true. If he got stung by his wife's cheating, I think he would never wish that pain on anyone else, let alone his good friend living across the street. IMO, I think he was the one that couldn't keep his pants up.

 

Now your going to move away from this guy. How far? 10 miles? 100 miles? You can move to the moon and if she wants to contact him, there's such a thing as a computer and a cell phone. What if you weren't in a position to be able to pull up stakes and move to another town? When you go out of town, she can still meet this guy.

 

What I'm trying to say is that you had sex with her 100 times in 10 years and she was free wheeling to give it to him pretty much on demand and from what you said it's not like you ignore her or tell her that you don't love her. You got hosed by her and she had no problem dropping her pants for this guy and now she comes clean. I think that she might feel that someone saw something that they shouldn't have seen and she's coming clean before she gets her head handed to her.

 

You an attorney so your not a dummy. I would be real skeptical about her story and no doubt that nonsense about her not screwing him in your bed............or your home is nothing but another slap to your face. I would take her to get a polygraph test today. Although if it was me, she would have her bags packed and be knocking on the OM's door for a place to live.

 

 

While I often suggest that couples try reconciling and working on their marriage, this post accurately describes what I would feel if I were in your shoes. My point is, reconcile if you are 100% sure she's remorseful and loves you. This will take some days/weeks for you to decide and 2-5 years to implement. Otherwise, divorce her. Life is too short; would you spend the rest of our life living with someone who doesn't love you? How would you respond if, a few years down the lane, your son came to you and confided that his wife behaved the same way? However, if she is remorseful and you think you could work on reconciling, start working on your marriage. However, just to check her response, ask her how she might feel if you cheated in revenge or divorced her?

Edited October 5, 2013 by Scott Thomas

[2sunny]

You two need a new counselor! She's been able to lie to this counselor for years!

 

Considering all that she's tortured you with - the lies, deception - with holding truth while she played with her playmate behind your back - probably mocking you too... I'd make her leave!

 

She needs to feel the pain of her actions! She needs to be SCARED that life as she's known it is about to end!

 

She's gone to great lengths to cause harm to you and the M. She's disrespected you, disregarded you and been the greatest liar all the while punishing you for typing words on the computer! What an F-ing martyr!

 

The marriage is a farce!

 

The truth may never be known. She more likely wanted her lifestyle...but obviously didn't need to be intimate with you.

 

That is blatantly selfish all the way around!

 

She's not a good wife! She's a calculated cheater!

 

Why isn't she required to move now? Tell EVERYONE you know! Embarrass her for her bad behavior!

 

She calls THAT loving you? I'd hate to see what it looks like when she doesn't love you.

 

She a liar and a user. And she continues to lie. Get a polygraph. I don't think she offered her version for the heck of it...find out what her motive was in telling.

[lindsay1990]

You two need a new counselor! She's been able to lie to this counselor for years!

...

Get a polygraph. I don't think she offered her version for the heck of it...find out what her motive was in telling.

 

One and two. I agree.

[harrybrown]

It is helpful for your wife to write for you a diary and timeline of the affair.

 

Your mind is so full of questions, that you assume the worst.

 

You feel as if she loved him more, did so much for him and spent so much energy having the affair with him and she has not given you the time of day.

 

So you are her backup plan. She cheated and lied, never loved you and the man she picked is not as good a man as you are.

 

Does he even have a job? Your self-esteem is shot. She has lied over the counseling for years. You feel like your relationship and marriage are one big lie. She did so much for the POSOM. What has she done for you to show you that you were always her number one?

 

She could not show you by never cheating on you. What are the consequences of her cheating? Have you exposed the affair to family and friends? So she has to move? Does she give you complete access to her phone, computer and where she is -especially not at the neighbors?

 

What has she done to help you heal? I am sure she has answered every question, but she does not remember? She remembers, get her to write it down.

 

What remorse has she shown? What love has she shown? What sacrifice has she made to show you that you are the man in her life after she killed your self-esteem?

 

Does she initiate relations with you? What wonderful things she did for the OM? What has she done for you?

 

Has she signed an agreement that if she cheats again, you get custody of the children and she gets nothing in the divorce?

 

Has she told you she would be okay with you having an affair? (DO NOT have a revenge affair) How would she fell if you had the affair with the the neighbor?

[TiredFamilyGuy]

I wrote a very long response which my computer deleted. To boil it down then:

 

What to do? The available choices all seem poor.

 

Move? - certainly. But this is not a sacrifice from her, just an inconvenience and expense for you all.

 

Divorce? - logistical nightmare: expensive, hard to spend meaningful time with your children.

 

If you were French the answer would be obvious. Have an affair, have many. brief and long. Be discreet, be correct and courteous to your wife of course. But the marriage is a primarily a partnership to bring up children. Pursue emotional intimacy if it is available but if not, then alas your needs must be met, not to do so would make you less of a complete man. Would such actions make you more contented? Quite possibly. Would it be immoral? Well we are French for the moment and so the question either does not arise or is answered with an endless series of rhetorical questions.

 

I would ask how you could conceive of trusting someone who admitted, by degrees, years of deceit, all the while having you strive for her forgiveness of your actions - which now are obviously minor moments of lonely boredom of little importance, conveniently inflated in her mind to give her permission to detach and cheat. How to trust, then? Whether to trust, also. If you are to reconcile I think you must abandon certainty in your mind and always hold yourself to be doubting and in some sense aloof from the unquestioning trust you would have preferred. That Eden no longer exists for you.

 

I would ask, how does she treat you socially, with family, and in front of the children?

Edited October 5, 2013 by TiredFamilyGuy

[road]

I wrote a very long response which my computer deleted. To boil it down then:

 

What to do? The available choices all seem poor.

 

Move? - certainly. But this is not a sacrifice from her, just an inconvenience and expense for you all.

 

Divorce? - logistical nightmare: expensive, hard to spend meaningful time with your children.

 

If you were French the answer would be obvious. Have an affair, have many. brief and long. Be discreet, be correct and courteous to your wife of course. But the marriage is a primarily a partnership to bring up children. Pursue emotional intimacy if it is available but if not, then alas your needs must be met, not to do so would make you less of a complete man. Would such actions make you more contented? Quite possibly. Would it be immoral? Well we are French for the moment and so the question either does not arise or is answered with an endless series of rhetorical questions.

 

I would ask how you could conceive of trusting someone who admitted, by degrees, years of deceit, all the while having you strive for her forgiveness of your actions - which now are obviously minor moments of lonely boredom of little importance, conveniently inflated in her mind to give her permission to detach and cheat. How to trust, then? Whether to trust, also. If you are to reconcile I think you must abandon certainty in your mind and always hold yourself to be doubting and in some sense aloof from the unquestioning trust you would have preferred. That Eden no longer exists for you.

 

I would ask, how does she treat you socially, with family, and in front of the children?

 

 

Moving is not an inconvenience.

 

It provides distance to insure NC. Yes no one can move farther then the internet can reach. Though great distance will discourage breaking NC because the distance removes the temptation to restart the affair. The OM will be to far away to come and get laid. Truth is the OM can find another WW just as hot to bang that is close to home.

 

Moving and a new bed will put the BH in a secure place to sleep every night.

 

How can you expect the BH in the same bed his WW banged the OM, let alone in the same house that she banged the OM?

 

As to do what the French did? Well the did a lot after WWI and they still got their butt kick in WWII.

 

A million flies eat horse manure, so you should eat like flies?

 

Having an open marriage is not having a marriage. Your advice is poorly thought out.

 

 

Want to buy a French WWII rifle?

Good deal, excellent price, never been fired and only dropped once.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

She was too tired????? Are you kidding me. I'm sure at your position and level you had a nanny. If not, why wouldn't you if she was using that as an excuse and you in a stressful busy job, with significant travel, wanting quality time with your spouse. Don't be so naive. You had time for porn, so you weren't that tired.

 

Does everyone think sex is some marathon we all participate in? C'mon good sex for 90% of us is usually done in 30 minutes (or am I the naive one:p).

 

The obsession she claims over your porn and CL one time dalliance is a smoke screen and after all these years of counseling and no progress is such cr%p.

 

Now you too need to take blame for being an absentee husband and father. You made decisions and they were selfish based on your career and continue to make excuses about it.

 

Let me tell you though that you have a world of choices available for you. You should know it, a 40 year old very successful lawyer will have to fight off the women if you separate. Word at the firm will spread like wild fire if it happens. My friend too is a successful lawyer who when separated and settled a landmark decision, was deluged with opportunities. Heck you never got too much sex to begin with (so not that you're missing anything) and a wife who has blame shifted for years (and not surprised she cheated as you were not around and available outside counseling that got you nowhere).

 

So time to be a man and demand a happy life that you deserve and stand up to your partners and delegate and be a present husband & father. Or enjoy the spoils of your success, separate, lead two successful lives (she's working now), be good friends, co-parent and enjoy dating and the sex you want with others.

Edited October 5, 2013 by Toodamnpragmatic

[Darren Steez]

I don't accept it and I've never been happy about it. With young kids and a busy career, we're both exhausted all the time. I guess I always figured the jokes about no sex after marriage were true. It sucked, but I always thought that's just the way it is. Obviously, I was misinformed.

 

As for what I can change to prioritize the marriage and her, I've been asking myself that a lot. It's tough. It's not as simple as just getting another job. I'm a partner in a major American law firm and what I do is highly specialized. Any other job in my field will look exactly like this one. And a total career change just isn't realistic. I do have a lot of flexibility though, so I'm going to try to work from home a lot more when I'm not on the road. I'll look for ways to reduce travel, but that will be tough.

 

I think the single most important thing I can do is just check back into the marriage generally. We have allowed the lack of intimacy to dig us into deep ruts where our lives are almost on autopilot. I don't think we truly see each other anymore. Which is a shame, because the woman I fell in love with is brilliant, insightful, interesting, and clever. Her mind was always as much of a turn on as her body and I think we've just disengaged and forgotten why we ended up together in the first place.

 

Not exactly true because she found her sexual release didn't she?

[thefatherof1]

I am so sorry you are here, welcome to the club. I am also going through a similar situation and after only 3 weeks from discovery, my head is just starting to come out of the fog. You've been living in denial for some time and her affair only opens your eyes to the reality. You live a demanding life style and job, but that's no excuse for your wife to have an affair. I need to ask if you've ever cheated on your wife? Did you ever think about it? The difference between thinking and doing are two very different things. Yes, I thought about cheating during my marriage, but I didn't because the consequences weren't worth it for me. My wife on the other hand, didn't feel the same way and she cheated. Just remember that her cheating is 100% on her, it has nothing to do with you. This is not your fault. You're a good person and your wife is not. These are the facts about your marriage and I know it's hard to hear. The question you need to ask yourself is will you ever trust her again? Think about how many times she lied to you. For me, infidelity crossed the line of no return so I filed for divorce. My wife was broken inside and there was nothing I could do about it. Your wife seems to have mastered the skill of compartmentalizing her feelings (probably from being a lawyer) but screwing some guy on your couch is the ultimate betrayal. You will never be able to change her. If you want to live with someone like that, then stay married, otherwise, I would cut your losses and move on. Sorry so to be so blunt but one thing is for sure; she probably doesn't love you and she definitely doesn't respect you. There are good people in this world, you just need to find someone who loves and respects you. Breathe, eat, drink, exercise and take care of yourself.

[Scott Thomas]

A simple case of game theory analysis:

 

Option 1:

 

You reconcile. It takes you 2-5 years of hard work (with mental images of the OM with your wife) to establish a normal life again. Little to moderate sex; probably less intimate and 'raunchy' that what the OM received. Your wife cheats again. We're back at square one.

My estimated chances: 60-80%; based on her prior actions.

 

Option 2:

 

You reconcile. It takes you 2-5 years of hard work (with mental images of the OM with your wife) to establish a normal life again. Little to moderate sex; probably less intimate and 'raunchy' that what the OM received. Your wife does not cheat and you live together as long as you want.

My estimated chances: 20-40%; based on her prior actions.

 

Option 3:

 

You decide to divorce her. You two co-parents for your children's sake but are free to live your own private lives.

Disadvantages: You will mourn the loss of your marriage (because of her actions) and may feel alone for the first few months. Dating might seem daunting in the beginning.

Advantages: You'll be free to find a woman who loves and appreciates you. Trust me, a 40 year old lawyer can literally have his pick (if he is in shape and know a thing or two about seduction/game). Your former wayward wife realises what she lost and asks you to give her another chance.

 

 

You're free to act as you like.

A few words of caution:

 

“The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching.”

― John Wooden

 

 

If I were in your shoes, I would only reconcile after the wayward wife realised that I could walk away any day I wished and that she had been granted a once in a lifetime opportunity to redeem herself. This could be accomplished by the threat of a divorce or partial separation. Some posters have warned you to abstain from a revenge affair, other may encourage you to throttle on with full speed. This is a decision you have to make.

 

In any case, no 'punishment' (filing for divorce but not going through with it, hinting that you could easily find another woman, making her work hard for her marriage) would only ensure that your wife learns nothing and continues disrespecting you. If possible, ask her to post her story in the infidelity section of a similar forum.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

The difference between thinking and doing are two very different things. Yes, I thought about cheating during my marriage, but I didn't because the consequences weren't worth it for me. My wife on the other hand, didn't feel the same way and she cheated. Just remember that her cheating is 100% on her, it has nothing to do with you. This is not your fault. You're a good person and your wife is not. These are the facts about your marriage and I know it's hard to hear. The question you need to ask yourself is will you ever trust her again? Think about how many times she lied to you.

 

I always marvel when people write this. Yes cheating is wrong...... We all get it. But there are always many layers and no one is ever 100% blameless.

 

I hope for the best to the OP, but he didn't help things in many ways. His choice is how to move on.