Totally destroyed by wife's affair with our neighbor

[Scott Thomas]

I always marvel when people write this. Yes cheating is wrong...... We all get it. But there are always many layers and no one is ever 100% blameless.

 

I hope for the best to the OP, but he didn't help things in many ways. His choice is how to move on.

 

 

Dear Toodamnpragamatic,

 

I'll re-post a quote:

 

“The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching.”

― John Wooden

 

Husband:Works hard to earn money for a brighter future, does not sleep with another woman.

Wife: Lied/cheated/deceived/cuckolded her husband.

 

Her actions speak for themselves. When it comes to sleeping with someone else, there are no layers. There are women out there who would give anything for the opportunity to marry a man who works hard, earns for her children, maintains a good lifestyle for her and does not cheat while they rarely have sex/are intimate.

 

Q1) Did he contribute to the demise on this marriage in a significant way and may be blamed for letting the marriage turn sour?

YES.

Q2) Did he cheat?

NO.

 

Q3) Did she contribute to the demise on this marriage in a significant way and may be blamed for letting the marriage turn sour?

YES.

Q4) Did she cheat?

YES.

 

I would still urge him to save his marriage provided the wife learns her lesson, alters her actions (more intimacy, sex, maintains NC), does not cheat again, signs a post-nup in his favour and works hard to keep him happy as long as they are married. Likewise, he'll have to take certain steps (stop travelling, plans dates/trips, supports her emotionally and works with her to achieve her dreams) to dampen the damage he caused in the years before this incident. However, her cheating clouds all other issues in their marriage. She needs to accept her responsibility for the affair and should start mitigating the pain/betrayal the OP is experiencing.

[2sunny]

But how an she"learn a lesson" when little consequences happen?

 

And what is SHE willing to sacrifice and change?

[thefatherof1]

I always marvel when people write this. Yes cheating is wrong...... We all get it. But there are always many layers and no one is ever 100% blameless.

 

I hope for the best to the OP, but he didn't help things in many ways. His choice is how to move on.

 

Marriages are the union between two imperfect people. I'm not saying he's perfect and I know I'm far from perfect, but they had an agreement. They were married, right? They agreed to stay together for better or worse? Does this mean nothing? The problem with our society today is more and more people don't follow up on their obligations, verbally or contractually. If someone wants to cheat they should approach their spouse with the problem and say "let's work this out together" or "I want out of the marriage". You can't have your cake and eat it too. Personally, I will spend this part of my life working on making myself a better person.

[Scott Thomas]

I just read this description of married cheating women. Check it out in the OW/OM section. It describes the wife of OP to a tee.

 

Aah, I see that my thread is finally of some use.

On a different note, I believe the poster's wife is in phase 4. She's already had her affair and is struggling with the after effects.

[Scott Thomas]

Additionally, if we were to follow that particular author's logic, the poster's wife doesn't care for him anymore and will cheat again. She'll feel insecure and might attempt reconciliation if he cheats in retaliation or divorces her.

Again, this is the female author describing cheating wives, not my words (though I would've made Hades look like a cute, down-to-earth-bloke if I were in the poster's shoes).

[Scott Thomas]

Personally, I would take any book that recommended a revenge affair as a good method to improve the marriage and throw it out the window.

 

A revenge affair solves nothing, and instead adds more hurt feelings and guilt and problems to the marriage. Even suggesting it is about as ridiculous as saying an affair can be a good thing. No, it cannot. Just because two people decide to work on their marriage after an affair does not mean the affair was good. The hurt it caused, the insecurity, the pain and fights and sleepless nights are NOT a good thing. The people could have worked on their marriage without an affair, and would have had one party just said something was wrong instead of cheating.

 

No, a revenge affair is a BAD idea. BAD.

 

This author is writing things that are contradictory to what any other professional in the field says. My guess it that she does it for shock value and to 'stand out' from her peers. It's horrible advice, and if she truly believes this she's a horrible counselor.

 

 

That is not what she says. She categorically asks men not to embark on revenge affairs as she believes they are counter productive.

During the last few pages, the author devotes some thought to the lack of sexual attraction wayward wives may feel for their husbands. She points out that when their husbands divorce them/leave them for another woman/cheat in retaliation, the wayward wives, in a bout of jealousy, resort to sexual bonding to 'prevent the loss of their husbands'. She is presenting a scenario that actually happens, not recommending that men turn into Lord Byron and bed everything that moves.

 

This book isn't about reconciliation. While she condemns infidelity, the book only deals with the reasons why women cheat, the emotions they feel and the stupid justifications they come up with. The author has published a second book in which she categorically condemns cheating wives and explains the steps women need to take to prevent their affairs.

 

I believe you thought I/the author recommended that the poster engage in a revenge affair. If that's the case, I would like to clear the matter; If he wants a lasting reconciliation, I would advise him to refrain from a revenge affair. I was referring to the cheating wife's lack of sexual attraction towards her husband (100 times in 10 years) while she engaged in steamy session with her OM. If she realised that other woman found her husband attractive and would line up to date him if they divorced, she would've thought twice before she cheated. I'm not recommending that the poster embark on his own affair; he simply needs to obtain evidence that he is not his wife's back-up plan and needs to make it clear that if she so much as thinks about straying again, she'll be kicked out of the house.

 

Before you toss any book out, you may want to read it to reform any initial mistaken impressions.

In the poster's case, I doubt reconciliation would work unless his wife made some major, life-long changes. If he chooses to divorce, that is his own decision and the wayward wife would deserve the pangs of guilt/jealousy she feels when the poster remarries years from now!

Edited October 6, 2013 by Scott Thomas

[mack25]

I would definitely D and sorry to say that. Sex only100 times in ten years? She is not attracted to you is the bottom line. She may love you and has an emotional bond to you, but my guess is it lacks attraction. This sounds like the opposite of most A's where women cheat for emotional support. Your WW did it for physical reasons. I would go find someone that is in love with you.

[2sunny]

But hysterical bonding is an act of manipulation, yes? Designed to cloud the betrayed spouses judgment. A ploy. Designed to get the BS to overlook the bad behavior and to usually trick them into thinking the cheater is sorry.

 

If his wife is offering up a ton of sex now - it is suspect that she would "suddenly" decide now she's turned on by him and is a willing participant.

 

Seriously - 100 times in ten years? She's not even been trying to consider your feelings! She's wasn't even trying to get/stay connected to you!

 

I'd venture to say - she didn't intend to bother with you but liked your paycheck! Cut off her access to YOUR money! Kick her out and let her fend for herself for a good LONG while! Let her stew in the crap that SHE has created! Let her HURT bad!

 

Maybe, just maybe then, she will start to consider your feelings instead of her own selfishness for a change!

 

You were traveling and working hard for the family money - and she was screwing the neighbor over and over again - all the while pretending to be a loving and honorable wife!

 

Well guess what? She is not who you THOUGHT she WAS! She's a cheater and a bold faced liar! Treat her as such for a long while!

[Scott Thomas]

Seethingandsmiling,

 

You're also basing your post on the assumption that the poster will forgive his wife and reconcile.

What if he decides against this? What if he decides to 'teach his wife a lesson by giving her a piece oh her own cake'? What if he decides to start a relationship with a single neighbour, sleeps with her for two years and then tells his wife? What if he decides to divorce her promptly and starts dating a one of her friends? Would these choices be ethical/moral? Probably not. Do these actions owe their origin in her affair? Yes. Does She 'deserve' this 'payback'? Maybe she does. Maybe she doesn't. I certainly don't insist that he do down this lane. However, this is a decision her husband should make.

 

In any case, she should not get a free pass and needs to face the music.

[happyman64]

Leftoverz

 

I think your wife was brave.

 

She told you the truth.

 

Sure it was for two reasons.

 

A. Her therapist said she needed to do it.

B. She expected you to come clean of your infidelities.

 

I bet she was surprised when all you had for her was the old pornography viewing.

 

I am not condoning her cheating. At all. And your neighbor who was a BS is a doucheb@g to the tenth degree.

 

Some posters will say to dump your wife. She is a cheater; a liar.

 

And while that is true she taken the first steps in your failed multi year counseling to move forward and get over the wall.

 

The NC letter was the first step.

A move is definitely a good 2nd step.

 

Your wife needs to go back to work (I think you mentioned she has) so she has less times on her hands.

 

She also needs counseling specifically on why and how she had an affair. She needs to understand her lousy decisions and put good boundaries in place so this never happens again.

 

Your therapy needs to deal with the images and mind movies and the best way to deal with her betrayal that plays over in your mind.

 

Do not make any long term decisions on your marriage. As attorneys you both see that. But you also need to make it very clear to her what will happen if you decide to end the marriage or if she has another affair.

 

She needs to see those consequences from you.

 

Divorce is hard. Reconciliation is only harder. But what do you want? What does she truly want?

 

She obviously loves you or she would never have come clean.

 

Your obviously not her 2nd choice or she would have already divorced you....

 

Keep honest and open communication with each other.

 

And I wish you much success in your future.

 

HM64

[Scott Thomas]

I based my post on the assumption that the couple were reconciling because if there is to be no reconciliation, then it isn't a revenge affair, it is simply moving on with his life. Logic beats assumption every time. All of your other questions relate to 'what if he has a revenge affair' which I already responded to in an earlier post. Why are you again asking me what I think of revenge affairs?

 

Since you have finally done it to me - I think the way you write your posts as if you are the authoritative voice on infidelity is quite arrogant. You read books and then post quotes and theories as if they are, of course, correct. Never in your posts is there an "I think" or "I believe" or "In my case". No, it is always 'You must" or some other insistence about how to behave post infidelity. You haven't really posted your story at all, how you handled it, what the outcome was, etc. You simple give directions and make assumptions. You give no insight into any ideas you have formed, and instead cut and past ideas from books

 

I for one find it quite offputting. You may have better luck when reaching out to people if you seemed like more than a one sided how to guide. It appears quite condescending and cold, to be honest.

 

This is my opinion only. I am not speaking for others. I do appreciate the effort you give, but the delivery could use some work. Again, my opinion.

 

I think we might have a case of miscommunication here. Allow me to make my case and clear the matter:

 

My post about the revenge affair arose from another poster's comment that the OP, pardon me, adopt the 'French way' and engage in extra-marital infidelity to meet his emotional/sexual needs. I 'poked' this idea to understand how the OP felt about this. For men, the idea of their wives having sex with another man can have severe long term consequences, ranging from mental images to feeling depressed, emasculated and cuckolded. Ask any betrayed husband here. Some betrayed men resort to revenge flings. This revenge fling could involve sex with another women while the BH is attempting reconciliation or is in the middle of a divorce. Most counsellors (and everyone else for that matter) advise a BH against adopting this coping mechanism, it is a perfectly natural human response, at least in my opinion. I recommended that the OP refrain from this plan and am against revenge cheating, but it is his choice to make, not ours.

 

My first post (45) wasn't different from other posters' answers. I didn't categorically state what the OP HAS to do, just pointed out what I would have done if I were in his shoes.

 

In post 47, I asked him a few hypothetical questions and how he would feel if he had to face these situations.

 

Post 56, I presented the 4 options I thought the OP could follow, and what the probable outcomes of these choices.

 

Post 58, my point was to defend the OP from a poster who thought his actions contributed to her affair. I pointed out that the OP faced the same situation but did not cheat.

 

Post 66, I explained the arguments presented in that book. Perhaps my answer annoyed you. I did not 'attack' your post.

 

Post 70, my point was that perhaps the OP decided to move on and divorce the WW, that is, after all, a choice he could make.

 

I've placed particular emphasis on one quote: How you act when no one is watching you defines your character.

 

I believe this quote holds some truth and a person's integrity can be measured by his/her actions when he/she is alone. While I appreciate your input, surely this quote could be applied to human personality. The again, you're free to form your opinions if you disagree.

 

My posts weren't only aimed at you; there are other posters here and their opinion is equally important. However, you're free to share your opinion and I would appreciate your feedback regarding this matter-that is why we are all here-to help the OP heal and move forward. I've only posted about one book and have asked WW to verify its contents. The quotes I write as simply quotes. Did I explicitly write "this quote is true and you are wrong if you disagree?". I believe I'm free to quote anything I wish, as are you.

 

I apologise if my posts smacked of arrogance. I posted my story back in 2008 in another account. If you wish, I could share it with you-I could really use your advice and insights about my particular situation. Again, my apologies if I appeared arrogant or boastful-this was not my aim. Anyway, thank you for pointing this out and I hope you can forgive an old man if he stumbles a bit and comes off as contemptuous, cavalier and grim. In any case, lets consider this as water under the bridge and endeavour to help our dear friend in his recovery.

[Scott Thomas]

Seething and Smiling,

 

We haven't heard back from the OP so we have no way of figuring out what he had decided. He may have decided to divorce-he may have decided to reconcile. We'll have to wait a bit for this part and then decide whether this is a false/true reconciliation (if there is a reconciliation).

 

I do have an issue with drawing a definite boundary between reconciliation and divorce. The BS may attempt to reconcile but after a year, decide that his efforts are not worth the end-reward and he walks away. There's no way we can predict that the reconciliation will be perfect. We can ask drifter7777 for his opinion.

 

I also recall a particular post from a gentleman who wrote that his wife had an affair 10 years ago but they reconciled and started a family. She said/did something that triggered him, his resentment reached boiling point and he embarked on a RA. Not recommended, but I think there's a chance some BS decide that their pain is too much and simply walk away/barge into their own affairs (historical example: Victor Hugo).

 

As for the false reconciliation, do we (or the OP for that matter) have anyway of verifying that the WW loves the OP. The wayward wife may chose to drop the OM and work on her marriage. For the moment, it may seem as if she has decided to reconcile. However, what if she cheats again after 2-3 years? What if she simply drops the OM because he was unemployed and her husband was a lawyer for the financial benefits of marriage. She may discard the OP but what if she decides to choose another OM and ignite her 2nd affair. While these are hypothetical situations, they certainly are plausible. Would you say that she misled the OP during the reconciliation? These issues could be haunting the OP.

 

The OP wrote : "My wife comes to me in our home office and sits down and says that even after all these years since the Craigslist exchange she still does not trust me".

 

Does anyone else think her comment is quite hypocritical considering her own actions? I'm not saying that her fears are misplaces; my point is that his trust issues after her affair outweigh her fears of his flirtatious, albeit limited to the web, interactions with women.

 

I think that there is no definite way of discovering what the WW really wants/believes. She might change in the future but the best indicator of future actions is what happened in the past (in this case, 10 years), at least in my opinion. What is your opinion about the fact that she had sex with the OP a 100 times in 10 years but engaged in sex with the OM 30 times in 2 years, including the marital home? How would you describe the WW's actions when she smiled and pretended that everything was perfect when the OP and OM socialised, while she was secretly cheating on him. What advice would you give f the OP was your brother?

[2sunny]

The W neglected to have sex and build intimacy with her H

 

And

 

She neglected to tell H that she willingly gave sex and intimacy to the neighbor (OM)

 

 

Both actions were very well thought out and very purposeful.

That's enough to know!

 

 

I'd have a difficult time understanding what she's planning to change now that could possibly make that right!

[Leftoverz]

Leftoverz

 

I think your wife was brave.

 

She told you the truth.

 

Sure it was for two reasons.

 

A. Her therapist said she needed to do it.

B. She expected you to come clean of your infidelities.

 

I bet she was surprised when all you had for her was the old pornography viewing.

 

I am not condoning her cheating. At all. And your neighbor who was a BS is a doucheb@g to the tenth degree.

 

Some posters will say to dump your wife. She is a cheater; a liar.

 

And while that is true she taken the first steps in your failed multi year counseling to move forward and get over the wall.

 

The NC letter was the first step.

A move is definitely a good 2nd step.

 

Your wife needs to go back to work (I think you mentioned she has) so she has less times on her hands.

 

She also needs counseling specifically on why and how she had an affair. She needs to understand her lousy decisions and put good boundaries in place so this never happens again.

 

Your therapy needs to deal with the images and mind movies and the best way to deal with her betrayal that plays over in your mind.

 

Do not make any long term decisions on your marriage. As attorneys you both see that. But you also need to make it very clear to her what will happen if you decide to end the marriage or if she has another affair.

 

She needs to see those consequences from you.

 

Divorce is hard. Reconciliation is only harder. But what do you want? What does she truly want?

 

She obviously loves you or she would never have come clean.

 

Your obviously not her 2nd choice or she would have already divorced you....

 

Keep honest and open communication with each other.

 

And I wish you much success in your future.

 

HM64

 

Thanks for your post. I think this best states where I'm at right now. I totally understand everyone who is saying my wife is a terrible person and I should divorce and move on. I definitely have my moments where this makes sense. But they also feel knee-jerk and based on a lot of assumptions that may not apply to my situation.

 

I am not blaming myself or anything, but I am able to acknowledge how far apart the two of us drifted over the last five years or so. She's still completely wrong to cheat (and she did so in the worst possible way as far as I can tell), but I do understand where she was emotionally. And her affair was not just physical. She became interested based in emotion first -- the neighbor was available and attentive -- and the sex followed. In a way, she completely left the marriage for awhile, she just forgot to divorce me first!

 

But she did come back, and I don't think it's just gold digger financial concerns. That said, it's an open question whether I can get past this or not. There is part of me that wants a clean slate and a relationship without all this baggage. But that path comes with tremendous financial, emotional, and logistical difficulties of it's own. The reality is that I can't share custody over the kids due to my career. I just don't have the time and predictability of schedule. Now, that has played a big role in why she felt abandoned in the first place, so if I'm not willing to give that up and make huge life changes then maybe I've gotten what I deserve in some sense. I don't really mean that, I'm just saying I understand that I haven't been as available as she needed me to be.

 

But maybe part of the basic problem lies with me. Maybe I'm just not cut out for marriage or not devoted enough to her or to family life. It's certainly a possibility. I love her and the kids, but that may not be enough to sutain a marriage. It makes me angry just to write that since, in my view, all of the travel and long hours have been for the family and for her. She doesn't experience it that way, but it's true. We made a very explicit deal years ago. She wanted to have children and stop working, and I wanted a career. We both got what we wanted, but somewhere along the line we killed off the marriage. The real question is whether we can get it back. And for me, the most fundamental question is whether I want it back. Jury's still out on that one.

[velvette]

Unfortunately, your explicit deal does not take into account what it takes to make a M work.

 

You can communicate very clearly but if you don't know what you're talking about, its going to take you to the wrong place.

 

Google emotional needs questionnaire

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Thanks for your post. I think this best states where I'm at right now. I totally understand everyone who is saying my wife is a terrible person and I should divorce and move on. I definitely have my moments where this makes sense. But they also feel knee-jerk and based on a lot of assumptions that may not apply to my situation.

 

I am not blaming myself or anything, but I am able to acknowledge how far apart the two of us drifted over the last five years or so. She's still completely wrong to cheat (and she did so in the worst possible way as far as I can tell), but I do understand where she was emotionally. And her affair was not just physical. She became interested based in emotion first -- the neighbor was available and attentive -- and the sex followed. In a way, she completely left the marriage for awhile, she just forgot to divorce me first!

 

But she did come back, and I don't think it's just gold digger financial concerns. That said, it's an open question whether I can get past this or not. There is part of me that wants a clean slate and a relationship without all this baggage. But that path comes with tremendous financial, emotional, and logistical difficulties of it's own. The reality is that I can't share custody over the kids due to my career. I just don't have the time and predictability of schedule. Now, that has played a big role in why she felt abandoned in the first place, so if I'm not willing to give that up and make huge life changes then maybe I've gotten what I deserve in some sense. I don't really mean that, I'm just saying I understand that I haven't been as available as she needed me to be.

 

But maybe part of the basic problem lies with me. Maybe I'm just not cut out for marriage or not devoted enough to her or to family life. It's certainly a possibility. I love her and the kids, but that may not be enough to sutain a marriage. It makes me angry just to write that since, in my view, all of the travel and long hours have been for the family and for her. She doesn't experience it that way, but it's true. We made a very explicit deal years ago. She wanted to have children and stop working, and I wanted a career. We both got what we wanted, but somewhere along the line we killed off the marriage. The real question is whether we can get it back. And for me, the most fundamental question is whether I want it back. Jury's still out on that one.

 

Get a divorce..... Regardless of the of your rationalization, it is pretty obvious, your job and career are more important.

 

Heck you haven't even answered the question I had about a nanny.... Men are naive if they think life doesn't change with kids.

 

I admire your honesty, but divorce and see the kids on weekends when you have some time to spare......

[Furious]

 

The reality is that I can't share custody over the kids due to my career.

 

I just don't have the time and predictability of schedule.

 

Now, that has played a big role in why she felt abandoned in the first place, so if I'm not willing to give that up and make huge life changes then maybe I've gotten what I deserve in some sense.

 

I don't really mean that, I'm just saying I understand that I haven't been as available as she needed me to be.

 

But maybe part of the basic problem lies with me. Maybe I'm just not cut out for marriage or not devoted enough to her or to family life.

 

 

I love her and the kids, but that may not be enough to sutain a marriage.

 

It makes me angry just to write that since, in my view, all of the travel and long hours have been for the family

 

We made a very explicit deal years ago. She wanted to have children and stop working, and I wanted a career.

 

We both got what we wanted, but somewhere along the line we killed off the marriage.

 

The real question is whether we can get it back. And for me, the most fundamental question is whether I want it back. Jury's still out on that one.

 

 

 

I'm reminded of the Harry Chapin song, "Cats in the Cradle" and how an absentee father in his old age has ended up with a child who is just like him.

 

Regardless as to whether you and your wife reconcile or divorce, the children are paramount in your life and they need engaged parents as this will benefit their growth and shape them.

 

There's never a perfect time to have children and it's the toughest job you'll ever love. Whether or not you were ready to be a father they were born and it's as if you are resentful about becoming a father. If you're honest with yourself your career seems to be #1 in your priorities and you've shaped your marriage and children around that.

 

Kids grow up so quickly, the bond and connection with their parents before their early teen years is the most crucial time in their lives as this shapes their growth and core being.

 

I hope you realize that your children need you, more than just what you can buy them.

[2sunny]

IF you stay married - and you continue to work/travel how do you plan to fulfill your wife's emotional needs?

 

And IF you sell the house and move - choose a less expensive house - bank the money in your name only - and require your W to sign a prenup that states anything/everything in your name is only yours.

Edited October 7, 2013 by 2sunny

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Interesting how off the the rails a marriage can go, even when you have made deals suggesting you both know the "score".

 

You say that you agreed to have children and you'd be career first and father/husband second. To think that once agreed upon all would be fine is naive at best.

 

Once you have kids all things change. A successful marriage is one that can balance it and grow. I'm not saying you have done anything wrong, but you are career first and this is no longer something your spouse is happy with. She wants an engaged partner & father.

 

Rationalize all you want, but your posts show exactly where you stand. Career is paramount to you and you won't compromise on that. I commend you for recognizing the problems, the counseling and how you have handled so much about this affair. What you have not addressed or will face is what you need to do in terms of your career to get this marriage back on track.

[road]

I have to disagree with those pounding on the OP about his career-many people are able to balance both a demanding career and a successful home life

 

Numbers do not lie.

Liars use numbers to get you to believe their lies.

 

Yes many people can balance a job and life and not have an affair.

 

Many affairs are because there are lots of people that can not balance a career and a marriage.

 

It has to be a given that when there has been an affair in a marriage where the balance can not be kept it is a person that wants to keep living in a fools paradise to think that finding a job that keeps the spouse at home every night is not needed for recovery and to prevent any more affairs.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I have to disagree with those pounding on the OP about his career-many people are able to balance both a demanding career and a successful home life-its what you do with the time you have at home that counts-if you are off playing golf or distracted by your phone than no, you are not finding balance-but if you are spending time and attention to your family when you are home than yes, you have a shot at balance. Do not allow your wifes selfishness to color your perception of who you are and what you are about- successful families are about balance-

 

Many can and do. The OP and his family have not. Read the OP's posts and it is obvious he can't and hasn't balanced the two.

 

I will say reading the OP, and I do empathize with him, that he probably earns $500,000+ and has stated over and over (definitely strongly implied) that his career is #1.

[2sunny]

Is passion lacking in your marriage?

 

 

 

If your W wasn't satisfied while you traveled and found someone to "fill the voids" you couldn't fulfill while you traveled - and you don't plan to quit traveling - expect that she will find another lover in her future.

 

Is that a way to be married? You travel and she strays?

 

 

What is the plan for change to BUILD the passion between you two? If nothing changes - expect things to remain the same.

[Scott Thomas]

Get a divorce..... Regardless of the of your rationalization, it is pretty obvious, your job and career are more important.

 

Heck you haven't even answered the question I had about a nanny.... Men are naive if they think life doesn't change with kids.

 

I admire your honesty, but divorce and see the kids on weekends when you have some time to spare......

 

There's no reason to pressurise this man. His hard work and job ensured that the kids were brought up in a posh neighbourhood, went to private school and could afford the best life has to offer.

 

His hard work ensured that his wife could buy all those fancy dresses, expensive jewellery, act like a posh trophy wife and then cheat with another guy across the street. That house-the one which she shares with her husband but had no problem inviting the OM and screwing him- wouldn't be hers if it weren't for the OP.

 

President Obama spends almost his entire day working for his Country-his job. Would this give the First Lady the right to cheat with some of the staff because she felt bored/lonely?

 

There are millions of children and women out their who would give anything to have a father/husband who worked hard and earned enough for them to live in comfort. Go to a less-affluent neighbourhood and ask people what they think.

 

Yes he should have have prioritised his wife and children. Yes he should cut back on all that travel. But this does not give his wife the right to cheat. They were in MC-instead of discussing how lonely she felt or asking him to spend more time alone, she decided to sleep with another man. What is the point of paying thousands of dollars to a counsellor when you'll just sit there and lie to both the counsellor and your husband?

 

"Men are naive if they think life doesn't change with kids"

His wife is an idiot if she thinks sleeping with another man would positively impact her children's lives.

Edited October 7, 2013 by Scott Thomas

[Toodamnpragmatic]

There's no reason to pressurise this man. His hard work and job ensured that the kids were brought up in a posh neighbourhood, went to private school and could afford the best life has to offer.

 

His hard work ensured that his wife could buy all those fancy dresses, expensive jewellery, act like a posh trophy wife and then cheat with another guy across the street. That house-the one which she shares with her husband but had no problem inviting the OM and screwing him- wouldn't be hers if it weren't for the OP.

 

President Obama spends almost his entire day working for his Country-his job. Would this give the First Lady the right to cheat with some of the staff because she felt bored/lonely?

 

There are millions of children and women out their who would give anything to have a father/husband who worked hard and earned enough for them to live in comfort. Go to a less-affluent neighbourhood and ask people what they think.

 

Yes he should have have prioritised his wife and children. Yes he should cut back on all that travel. But this does not give his wife the right to cheat. They were in MC-instead of discussing how lonely she felt or asking him to spend more time alone, she decided to sleep with another man. What is the point of paying thousands of dollars to a counsellor when you'll just sit there and lie to both the counsellor and your husband?

 

"Men are naive if they think life doesn't change with kids"

His wife is an idiot if she thinks sleeping with another man would positively impact her children's lives.

 

Not pressuring at all. I'm stating the facts and what he has posted and how he has responded on this thread. Until he comes here (and of course it is his prerogative) and tells us his family and marriage is first and he will make positive steps in that direction, I believe she'll cheat again or build resentment.

 

I just stated it may be best to separate and divorce and live the single life telling all the women he dates (and sleeps with) that his career comes first, his children second.

[Scott Thomas]

A question for the OP and the other posters?

 

Do you think there is a significant chance the WW has lied about some crucial aspects of her affair? Is this her only affair during the marriage? Do you thnik a polygraph test may be needed to verify her story and (I pray to God that this isn't the case) the paternity of the children.

 

The fact that she made him attend MC sessions for two years while she slept with the OM shows that she may be capable to the above.

 

I sincerely hope that this isn't the case but this is not something we should completely rule out. What if they divorce and he later discovers that there were other men involved or that he was misled into believing that a child was his?

Again, for the OP's sake, I hope this isn't the case...