Totally destroyed by wife's affair with our neighbor

[Scott Thomas]

In the aftermath of this catastrophe you are paralyzed and divorce seems an impossibility.

 

However, in 10-15 years from now you will be sorry you did not get a divorce today. Your wife cannot change, this is her.

 

You deserve a younger vibrant woman that will take care of all your needs and love you with great passion.

 

 

Nevertheless, I fully understand your paralysis.

 

OP, I agree that you should have spent more time at home and should have connected with your wife.

What concerns me is:

 

A) Your wife's actions during the entire marriage; 10 years and you only have sex a 100 times? 2 years and the OM gets it 30 times.

 

This goes deeper than your travelling and not spending much time at home.

 

Am I correct to presume that you spent most of these days at home but still couldn't have sex with your wife?

 

If this is correct, your wife has some very serious intimacy issues or may not be sexually attracted towards you. No amount of hard work could resolve these issues if 10 years and two children weren't enough to strengthen the bond between you two.

 

 

B) Everyone deserves a person who will love them regardless of their flaws. Your wife deserves a man who, as she wishes, will not travel and ought to spend all his time with her.

 

You deserve a woman who will love, cherish, honour and respect you even if you travel, work hard and earn for her. For future relationships, I would advise you to cut back/decrease travelling so much and spend more time with your partner, planning dates, watching movies and travelling together etc. However, as your wife's action have made it clear, she is not willing, or may not be able, to become this woman, especially for an extended period of time.

 

While I understand the conflicted emotions you are experiencing, only you can make the decision to reconcile or divorce. As I mentioned before, in my opinion, you have a few options:

 

Option 1:

 

You reconcile. It takes you 2-5 years of hard work (with mental images of the OM with your wife) to establish a normal life again. Little to moderate sex; probably less intimate and 'raunchy' that what the OM received. Your wife cheats again. We're back at square one.

My estimated chances: 60-80%; based on her prior actions.

 

Option 2:

 

You reconcile. It takes you 2-5 years of hard work (with mental images of the OM with your wife) to establish a normal life again. Little to moderate sex; probably less intimate and 'raunchy' that what the OM received. Your wife does not cheat and you live together as long as you want.

My estimated chances: 20-40%; based on her prior actions.

 

Option 3:

 

You decide to divorce her. You two co-parents for your children's sake but are free to live your own private lives.

Disadvantages: You will mourn the loss of your marriage (because of her actions) and may feel alone for the first few months. Dating might seem daunting in the beginning.

Advantages: You'll be free to find a woman who loves and appreciates you. Trust me, a 40 year old lawyer can literally have his pick (if he is in shape and know a thing or two about seduction/game). Your former wayward wife realises what she lost and asks you to give her another chance.

 

Option 4:

 

Separate and use this time to think about what you both want. After you have spent some time pondering about your options, chose from the above three. During this separation, do not date or get involved with other people-this may be very difficult for your wife, given her prior actions and you may have to monitor her (or she may get involved with another man but lie about this).

 

 

Good luck and decide carefully.

[Chi townD]

Well, you really need to do a gut check. The fact is, her cheating wasn't anything that you did. I'm sure you didn't ask for her to cheat on you. It was a choice that she made. That, at that time, she wanted someone that wasn't her husband. Dude, that's not love.

 

Her blaming you for looking at porn and taking care of yourself was her way of justifying in her head that what she was doing was okay. That if he wasn't doing what he was doing, then she's wouldn't be sleeping with this guy right now. But, the fact is for a LOT of wives is if all you were doing was looking at images on a screen, well....there's far worse things you could have been doing!

 

Don't believe a word that she's saying. I speculate that they HAVE had sex in your bed. Why wouldn't they? They didn't respect you enough not to have sex in your home, why make themselves uncomfortable having sex on the hard floor? Especially if they knew that you wouldn't be home for several weeks! Enough time to wash away the evidence! You're none the wiser!

 

Good rule about cheaters, the tend to tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what it truly is.

[Chi townD]

I don't want to make the OP feel worse, but there is also the possibility she has done this before and that explains her lack of interest in sex with her H.

 

I would consider a lie detector test. If she has nothing to hide she should be willing.

 

But, it seems OP is a young professional with adequate income and he could easily find a better woman. I realized that at this time he feels no attraction for other women, but at some he will recover.

 

I am more than willing to forgive cheating, but what this woman has done is difficult to digest.

 

Oh, trust me, I don't want him to feel any worse either. But, yet I don't want him to have the wool pulled over his eyes as well.

 

I will say, coming to him with her confession was a step in the right direction. But, I'm a little put off on HOW she confessed. She walked into his office and sat down like they were at a business meeting and then told him that she knows he has something to tell her, so she'll go ahead and admit her cheating, then he'll have the balls to admit to his cheating. At least that's how I read it.

 

Lie detector may work, but I would suggest that they BOTH take it. Then, he could prove once and for all, that aside from looking at porn, he hasn't cheated.

[Scott Thomas]

Oh, trust me, I don't want him to feel any worse either. But, yet I don't want him to have the wool pulled over his eyes as well.

 

I will say, coming to him with her confession was a step in the right direction. But, I'm a little put off on HOW she confessed. She walked into his office and sat down like they were at a business meeting and then told him that she knows he has something to tell her, so she'll go ahead and admit her cheating, then he'll have the balls to admit to his cheating. At least that's how I read it.

 

Lie detector may work, but I would suggest that they BOTH take it. Then, he could prove once and for all, that aside from looking at porn, he hasn't cheated.

 

OP, have you exposed your wife's affair to her family? If not, I suggest you do so. If the OM has a girlfriend, does she know? If not, tell her.

 

Go through with a polygraph test. If there's a 1% chance that your children are not yours, visit a clinic and schedule a paternity test.

 

It's time you took matters back in your hands and started dealing with your wife's affair in a stern manner.

[jimmytwowheels]

Hang in there OP, I hope you can work this one out. Be sure to keep updating on your situation.

[2sure]

Leftoverz

 

You made a good and self reflective point by saying you just weren't cut out for marriage. It's certainly possible. But you based that point on your career, having to travel often and having no reliable schedule.

 

You can divorce your wife if you aren't cut out for marriage, but you can't divorce your children. It's way too late to decide you weren't cut out for parenting.

 

The changes will still have to be made if they make not only marriage but parenting your children unsustainable. Especially if you divorce.

 

The option is there to make no changes, to see your kids for holidays and a week in the summer if you can spare it.

 

But you know the old saying....people on their death beds never regret not having spent more time at the office.

[2sunny]

Leftoverz

 

You made a good and self reflective point by saying you just weren't cut out for marriage. It's certainly possible. But you based that point on your career, having to travel often and having no reliable schedule.

 

You can divorce your wife if you aren't cut out for marriage, but you can't divorce your children. It's way too late to decide you weren't cut out for parenting.

 

The changes will still have to be made if they make not only marriage but parenting your children unsustainable. Especially if you divorce.

 

The option is there to make no changes, to see your kids for holidays and a week in the summer if you can spare it.

 

But you know the old saying....people on their death beds never regret not having spent more time at the office.

 

It may be his wife that's not cut out for marriage. She cheated - he didn't! He was away from the whole family - and didn't find his solution to his empty marriage - to cheat.

 

What this shows is that he has a boundary and integrity - and that his wife doesn't.

 

You can't MAKE a person grow integrity. Even when they try to change and want to - it takes a lot of time and practice to prove it.

[harrybrown]

She did have you in MC while she cheated on you.

 

What is she doing to show you she will put more effort into you than the OM?

 

She did plenty for him. What is she willing to do for you?

 

Would she start trying to have relations with you?

[Solcita2]

Thanks for your post. I think this best states where I'm at right now. I totally understand everyone who is saying my wife is a terrible person and I should divorce and move on. I definitely have my moments where this makes sense. But they also feel knee-jerk and based on a lot of assumptions that may not apply to my situation.

 

I am not blaming myself or anything, but I am able to acknowledge how far apart the two of us drifted over the last five years or so. She's still completely wrong to cheat (and she did so in the worst possible way as far as I can tell), but I do understand where she was emotionally. And her affair was not just physical. She became interested based in emotion first -- the neighbor was available and attentive -- and the sex followed. In a way, she completely left the marriage for awhile, she just forgot to divorce me first!

 

But she did come back, and I don't think it's just gold digger financial concerns. That said, it's an open question whether I can get past this or not. There is part of me that wants a clean slate and a relationship without all this baggage. But that path comes with tremendous financial, emotional, and logistical difficulties of it's own. The reality is that I can't share custody over the kids due to my career. I just don't have the time and predictability of schedule. Now, that has played a big role in why she felt abandoned in the first place, so if I'm not willing to give that up and make huge life changes then maybe I've gotten what I deserve in some sense. I don't really mean that, I'm just saying I understand that I haven't been as available as she needed me to be.

 

But maybe part of the basic problem lies with me. Maybe I'm just not cut out for marriage or not devoted enough to her or to family life. It's certainly a possibility. I love her and the kids, but that may not be enough to sutain a marriage. It makes me angry just to write that since, in my view, all of the travel and long hours have been for the family and for her. She doesn't experience it that way, but it's true. We made a very explicit deal years ago. She wanted to have children and stop working, and I wanted a career. We both got what we wanted, but somewhere along the line we killed off the marriage. The real question is whether we can get it back. And for me, the most fundamental question is whether I want it back. Jury's still out on that one.

 

I'm almost spechless, and trust me, that's hard to get from me!

 

I liked your last post. And I understand what you mean by saying you both made a deal... she wanted kids and you wanted a career...

 

DON'T YOU DARE BLAMING YOURSELF FOR WHAT HAPPENED. You said it, you were two going through the same and she chated, and you didn't.

 

I'm a little bit afraid of one thing though... I know the fact that your wife couldn't leave behind the craiglist thingie... maybe it was a way to blame you for her unhappiness, excusing her or even allowing her to have an affair...

 

I wonder if she really believes you that youd on't **** around when you're on the road... maybe she thinks in her head that youd idn't come clean so you can play the victim here?

Are you SURE SHE BELIEVES YOU NOW?

 

Are you sure that if you two move on from this as a couple she will trust you even when you didn0t have an affair?

Just because you are getting sex now, it is the exception to your marriage history... so you only get laid because she chated on you? She's doing like a service to you to compensate for what she did or she sleeps with you because she's hot for you?

I'm confused...

 

Let's remember that she didn't like the fact that you use porn but she didn't give you sex... She is even insecure about your porn likings because she doesn't look like the girls in porn...

 

I think you wife has a big big problem herself... I honestly think the marriage is not OK but because she's not OK with herself... it's like a viscious circle... she doesn't have sex with you because she's insecure, so you use porn (NOT AN AFFAIR), she doesn't have sex with you because of the porn and whatnot...

 

I wish you the best of lucks... whatever road you choose, be sure to know it's not gonna be easy... I see red flags everywhere... I'm sorry... I do wish you the best, having a career is not a sin... I'm an Army child and I have to see this with my parents marriage... they're still together and I wish they weren't... they just hurted each other... she was not the wife she needed and he was not the husband she needed... and in the middle, the kids... I resend them for that... maybe that's one of the reasons why I moved to the opposite side of the world...

 

Hope it gets better!

[Leftoverz]

Thanks for the continued comments everyone. I'm just trying to sort out my feelings. I think there has been a bit of an overreaction to my relationship with my kids. That part of my life is fine and I go to great lengths to give them attention and focus in them. And despite some poster's concerns, I have no doubt they are mine.

 

I think the central issue here is trust. My wife still doesn't trust me, which is so insane to me I have nowhere to really put it. She spent years, apparently, building up this false image of me as some international playboy with women all over the place. It's kind of comical if you know me. But I think that allowed her to justify doing what she did with the neighbor. Now it's hard for her to own just how wrong she was. But there is no way I can reconcile here if she isn't willing to let all of that go. Even if she does let it go, I'm still not sure where that leaves me.

 

The logistics of a divorce are so complex I can hardly think through them. My relationship with my kids will suffer the most in that scenario. I take a little offense at those just assuming I p

ut my career above all else. I have a very demanding career, yes, but it's not the most important thing in my life. That said, maintining a separate household presents significant problems because my schedule is very unpredictabable. I can't split custody during the week because of travel, so I'll probably end up seeing my kids every other weekend, which is pretty hard to imagine. That doesn't mean I should stay in an unworkable marriage, but it does weigh heavily on me.

 

I'm curious about everyone's suggestion that I tell my wife's family about the affair. What purpose does that serve other than vengeance? I hate the idea of making our personal life public. I can't see any upside to that so I'm curious why so many people suggest it.

[2sunny]

Maybe she doesn't trust you because she knows the truth about herself?

 

Like they say - the best defense is a strong offense!

 

 

She may be deflecting - meaning she puts you in the hot seat so you spend time and energy fending off her accusations instead of addressing what SHE REALLY did. Hmmm, works, doesn't it? It's a manipulative tactic! Not one thing loving or honest about anyone who does that.

 

How can you trust her? That would be difficult for me.

[Leftoverz]

Maybe she doesn't trust you because she knows the truth about herself?

 

Like they say - the best defense is a strong offense!

 

 

She may be deflecting - meaning she puts you in the hot seat so you spend time and energy fending off her accusations instead of addressing what SHE REALLY did. Hmmm, works, doesn't it? It's a manipulative tactic! Not one thing loving or honest about anyone who does that.

 

How can you trust her? That would be difficult for me.

 

Yes, this is definitely a core thing that I'm struggling with. Setting aside the sex with the OM (which is obviously a big issue on it's own), it's the lying and manipulation that I almost struggle with more. For example, the last time she slept with him (that I'm aware of) she and I got in a fight over a dinner party.

 

We were having Passover dinner at a friend's house. Several families were there, and me and the host got pretty tipsy. It was a festive and fun night, but my wife was extremely angry with me that I'd had too much to drink and didn't take the dinner seriously enough. Now, the host of the party certainly took no offense, but I was willing to accept that I hadn't been the best husband that night and had failed to act appropriately on a major religious holiday. I had to travel that following week and, although she swears the affair was over by then, she invited the neighbor over to talk about how upset she was and one thing led to another and they had sex in our back office.

 

But, in our couples sessions that followed, the whole focus was on me and how I don't care about what's important to her, how I have no respect for what is sacred to her (she's Jewish, I am not). And I basically had to grovel and beg for forgiveness and promise to work harder to keep her needs and feelings in mind.

 

But of course she had just f****d the neighbor in our house in response to the situation. The duplicity and deception is almost sociopathic. I can remember sitting there feeling really beat up for behavior that, frankly, just wasn't that bad. I just couldn't believe that having too much to drink at a party (where others were doing the same) could really warrant the kind of punishment I was getting. But now I think I know what she was really feeling mad about, and it wasn't what I had done. Just writing this makes me so damned mad I can hardly stand it.

 

I can't believe she did this to me. For years! It's like I don't even know her.

[Mamma]

Hi

 

I am a lurker.Been reading everything I could for the past 6 weeks.Havent been ready to share or ask Q's yet.

 

However Leftoverz,if you and W wants to reconcile,start reading everything about R.The what to do's.The what not to do's.All of it.Decide and then commit to it.Both of you.

 

You know yourself and your W.You know the reality of your life together.Baggage from past history (from both sides) makes it difficult.But if the 2 of you can clearly define and then ALIGN your 1.your personal values 2. Your personal boundaries 3.Your family values,get over the judgement of self and spouse,you can start working towards a "new" relationship and life together.It is hard constant hard work,takes time but above all It takes commitment.Trust can be built,for both of you,if communication is open,honest and there is no more hidden dark corners.This can actually give one the opportunity for the intimacy that everyone desires but find so hard to attain.

 

Everyone needs a second chance at some point in life.It is only you that can decide if you can give your marriage, spouse and yourself (and your life as a family)that second chance.

 

You have every right and reason to terminate this marriage.But you dont Have to!And you decide who to tell about this or not.It is your life.I personally would not tell my family as we are R and I would not want relationships with others to become complex.It is also humiliating and if you decide to R,humiliation is not your objective.We should never want to do things to hurt others unnecessarily,that just puts a questionmark on our own integrity as a person.

 

Ps.not to sound harsh,but most women with certain personal values can feel loved when her husband watches porn.It is degrading,humiliating,makes women feel "less than"...just think about it.It is cheating with your eyes and your mind.The desire men feels when watching porn is not for their wives,and our only desire should be for our spouse.Just my 2 cents about this.

[2sunny]

I know how you feel. My exH (together 23 years) showed his narcissistic side that also looks like a sociopath. It was always about him. He was never going to be responsible for his bad behavior.

 

He picked on me for the smallest reasons - all the while cheating behind the scenes. His smokescreen always distracted me from seeing his reality.

 

Only after I removed him from my daily life did I see what he never intended me to see. Even now, 8 years later - I realize some situations "that just didn't make sense then" - but they make sense now, with clarity.

 

My exH purposely picked fights over nothing so he could disappear for a while and do what he wanted - all with the pretense that we had a fight - but I was never one to argue or fight - so I couldn't understand WHY he created these "fights" out of nothing and without my participation!

 

What she's dished you is cruel and mean spirited.

 

My relationship with my kids is mine - and it's very freeing to have it go the way I want it to go - without his toxic manipulation and input... His agenda. It's always designed to make him look good and me look inferior.

 

I get my interaction now on my terms - and it's much happier.

 

How does your wife intend to repair that damage she caused when she's not willing to own how she participated in her bad behavior?

Edited October 10, 2013 by 2sunny

[Mamma]

It is just so intersting to me how subjective advice can flame one's pain and anger.Can "help us" to start making assumptions that might be completely way off.

 

You have every right to be angry and HURT!But trying to disect every oment od the past and put motive to,judge it and come to conclutions about it will drive you mad.

 

You are a well educated man in a profession where you have targets and goals.You know how to work towards a goal and what takes you away from your goals.

 

If your goal is to R then start sending your posts towards it.Vent YOUR feelings,anger and resentments,dont let others help fuel new ones.If you need help to get brave enough to seperate,keep disecting her motives,keep making assumptions (with the help of all the other disectors here)

[2sunny]

It is just so intersting to me how subjective advice can flame one's pain and anger.Can "help us" to start making assumptions that might be completely way off.

 

You have every right to be angry and HURT!But trying to disect every oment od the past and put motive to,judge it and come to conclutions about it will drive you mad.

 

You are a well educated man in a profession where you have targets and goals.You know how to work towards a goal and what takes you away from your goals.

 

If your goal is to R then start sending your posts towards it.Vent YOUR feelings,anger and resentments,dont let others help fuel new ones.If you need help to get brave enough to seperate,keep disecting her motives,keep making assumptions (with the help of all the other disectors here)

 

How is he to R when his wife doesn't really feel sorry she cheated and lied to him for years?

[Mamma]

2sunny,Please direct me to where he says she is not sorry?I cant seem to find that.I do see a post where he says she is truely remorseful.

 

I read the OP's posts and he is a smart guy.He doesnt accept the responsibility for her stepping out but he can see that they were very disconnected.He also already looked at new houses.He seems to feel that R is possible but he is understandably hurt and angry.

 

One cannot change neither "fix" the past.We cannot undo the hurts.No answers is ever enough and the questions just multiplies.What we always ultimately want is for this never to have happened.We cannot have that either.

 

If he loves her and knows that she loves him and he wants to R,then he should directing his posts more towards that rather than being swept up in a wave of anger and intense bitterness of others.

 

By the way,I am a BS.Angry as a rattlesnake.After torturing myself for goodness knows how long,I had to sit and decide if I want to continue in this relationship.Who is my partner?What is there that I know about this person and what do I not know about him?Is it worth investing my future in?Now,I am committed.Is it easy,no!Am I still hurt?Heck,yes.Is my EGO still seriously bruised?of course.But already I am starting to see a new and exciting future for us.Baby steps,hard work.

 

Not everyone should R.But it is possible.

[2sunny]

2sunny,Please direct me to where he says she is not sorry?I cant seem to find that.I do see a post where he says she is truely remorseful.

 

I read the OP's posts and he is a smart guy.He doesnt accept the responsibility for her stepping out but he can see that they were very disconnected.He also already looked at new houses.He seems to feel that R is possible but he is understandably hurt and angry.

 

One cannot change neither "fix" the past.We cannot undo the hurts.No answers is ever enough and the questions just multiplies.What we always ultimately want is for this never to have happened.We cannot have that either.

 

If he loves her and knows that she loves him and he wants to R,then he should directing his posts more towards that rather than being swept up in a wave of anger and intense bitterness of others.

 

By the way,I am a BS.Angry as a rattlesnake.After torturing myself for goodness knows how long,I had to sit and decide if I want to continue in this relationship.Who is my partner?What is there that I know about this person and what do I not know about him?Is it worth investing my future in?Now,I am committed.Is it easy,no!Am I still hurt?Heck,yes.Is my EGO still seriously bruised?of course.But already I am starting to see a new and exciting future for us.Baby steps,hard work.

 

Not everyone should R.But it is possible.

 

It's her actions that show how she feels - much more than words.

 

She's blame shifted and used deflecting so she doesn't have to take the blame for HER actions.

 

When someone tries telling you they are sorry - and their actions don't support the words - it makes them not believable and a liar.

[Mamma]

Ok.I am also failing to see this as deflecting and blameshifting.How on earth can a person say how they feel/felt if we are going to assume they mean something else?And again (and Im maybe missing a post) how does her current actions show she is not believable?

 

She went to him about this A.He himself says she is remorseful.Can we go and dig up everything she said and did in the past that was not perfect?Of course!can one read someting into everything anybody says or does?If you want/need to.This man is rightiously hurt and angry.As far as A's concerned.100%her fault.As far as M problem's concerned,we can all do better!

 

Whatever trust there was in the past,is gone!It is about being vulnerable to risk learning to trust EACH OTHER again!Slowly,through her actions,which he will have to tell her,what does he need to learn to trust her again.But also,what does she need to learn to trust him as she had issues with this as well.If she isnt use to taking responsibility for her actions,she can learn this,Not through judgement but by example and coaching in good MC and IC.(o,and I do think they need new therapists anyway,a fresh start.Someone that can get to know them as they are now.but that is just my opinion.

 

 

 

Again,this is up to him to decide if he can risk enough to give it a new beginning.Does he still value and love her enough to do it?Not for us to say or decide she is untrustworthy.

 

We ultimately cannot change others we can only change ourselves.And sometimes,even if R fails,we are the person we should be,because in the prosess we worked on ourselves!

Edited October 10, 2013 by Mamma

[2sunny]

I'm sure he will decide what's best for his situation...

 

But tell me how is she/has she been trustworthy? Trust is earned - how has she earned his trust?

[Leftoverz]

I think my wife has been more remorseful than I may have been clear about. She does truly feel terrible and she acknowledges that she bears the full blame for her actions. But she and I are both smart, reasonable people and she points out, rightly, that the state of our marriage prior to her A wasn't exactly great. To R, we'll still need to address those issues and they shouldn't be lost or discounted because of what she's done. All true.

 

What I struggle with is whether I can really get over how hurt I am and how deeply deceived and wronged I feel. That's really where my original post started and it's still where I'm at. I do love her, despite all of this. I'm just wondering if too much damage has been done. I suppose it will take time to figure that out. She still says she doesn't fully trust me, which makes me angry given what she's done, but she feels the way she feels. I just wonder if I'm really interested in doing the necessary work here, especially because she could just as well decide that she can't get past what I've done to her and it will all be for naught anyway.

 

It's kind of a collective action game theory problem. Everyone has to move at the same time, but no one wants to go first and risk being the only one to move at all. I guess that's where we're stuck right now. And, fundamentally, collective action problems are problems of trust.

[harrybrown]

Your wife has to realize that the affair is 100% percent on her.

 

First things first. How would she feel if you did what she did?

 

How can you trust her? She has to try to do the heavy lifting to help you and what has she done to help you with the trust that you do not have for her?

 

She has to fix the affair first. She has to put your bleeding heart back in your chest. And after she ripped it out of your chest, she should not have set it on fire and **** on it.

 

What does she fix that? You have to have a working heart back in the chest before you can work on the other issues. She is still trying to blame you. Has she gone back to work so she is away and NC from POSOM?

 

Will she sign a document that if she cheats again, she gets nothing in the divorce? Has she gone to extensive counseling to find out what is wrong with her for breaking her vows?

 

She did not have sex with you very often. She does not respect you. Respect yourself. Has she read on how to help your spouse heal from your affair? Was she having an exit affair?

[Mamma]

She has not,not at all.Trust is built over a long long time,once its been violated.Thats the work that is ahead of them.

 

Leftoverz,Everything you say is perfectly valid.I just know that I had to decide to get over the hurt,rejection and humiliation if anything good was ever going to come from all of this.R or D.I hated feeling like that,realized I could keep feeling like that for as long as I wanted to.I started with and ACT therapist that taught me not to deny my feelings,not to try and change them but to accept them and start working towards my goal.But for that I had to decide what the goal was.R or D.It is truely liberating to have no more self judgement or judgement of my WS.To know that I am growing in this process and not to worry about the long term outcome.To do our best to build trust again and to work each day to move a little forward.

 

Do I know where we will be in a year?Heck no.I dont even think about that anymore as I in the here and now,am ok (I have a trickle truth WS....difficult in itself)But I am making it about myself as much as about my S and the relationship.I am learning how bad I was,and still sometimes are at communicating and putting my boundaries in place.Have had to re-evaluate my values.Redefine who I want to be as a person,no matter the outcome of all of this.

 

For me,sometimes just sitting down with Ws and saying,talk to me.Tell me how we can fix this really helps.To work on this big plan for our lives together.Start with little things.Show your feelings.All of it.

 

You might find her commitment to change will show 100% once she knows you are committed.People will always try to protect their own hearts even when they are the WS.They are so scared they will be left.

 

Take your time to decide,vent on this forum.But dont be sucked into toxic discussions of how bad your wife really is.Only you know her.And do think of your kids when you think of how wronged you feel,how bruised your ego is.That is sometimes a great motivator to make up our minds one way or the other.

 

And do tell her your feelings about this being a collective action problem and that you NEED to see some actions from her to help you.Tell her what you need from her.Tell her,you have nothing to lose by doing this.Speak to the woman...lol.i told my Ws that where as he might have issues with me,at the moment it is all about him trying to show me why I should stay.And he did,and he does!

 

Good luck and do keep us updated.It is always very interesting to see what people do with this kind of devistation in ones life.

[Scott Thomas]

Perhaps you need a trial separation. Nothing like a dose of reality to wake your wife.

 

Personally, I think your wife should be the one who takes the front seat, starts working on the marriage and changes the way she has been acting. The infidelity aside, sleeping with the OM in your own house and deceiving you for two years; can't really wrap my head around this. No matter how much I mated my wife, I wouldn't fall so low.

Ask her to start posting in the infidelity page of some forum (ege love shack, marriage builders etc).

You've benefited from some of the advice you received here-maybe she has no idea about the enormous damage she has caused-posting her thread might help her understand what she has 'accomplished'.

[Chi townD]

Yes, this is definitely a core thing that I'm struggling with. Setting aside the sex with the OM (which is obviously a big issue on it's own), it's the lying and manipulation that I almost struggle with more. For example, the last time she slept with him (that I'm aware of) she and I got in a fight over a dinner party.

 

We were having Passover dinner at a friend's house. Several families were there, and me and the host got pretty tipsy. It was a festive and fun night, but my wife was extremely angry with me that I'd had too much to drink and didn't take the dinner seriously enough. Now, the host of the party certainly took no offense, but I was willing to accept that I hadn't been the best husband that night and had failed to act appropriately on a major religious holiday. I had to travel that following week and, although she swears the affair was over by then, she invited the neighbor over to talk about how upset she was and one thing led to another and they had sex in our back office.

 

 

Dude, you really need to start opening your eyes as to what REALLY went on and start thinking outside the box.

 

You were at a festive gathering were alcohol was served to be consumed by guests. I'm pretty sure you weren't fall down drunk. But, it was an OPPORTUNITY for her to pick a fight. To get mad at you. She knew you were going out of town and she had planned to have sex with this guy. It's easy to cheat on someone if you're mad at them. It eased her guilt about what she did while you were out of town. She could now tell herself, "I wouldn't be screwing this guy if my husband wasn't such an asshat."

 

It's harder to cheat when your a happy couple and you were the "perfect" husband. I speculate that if you really think back, most of the fights that were started between the two of you were started by her. That she constantly reminded you of the things she didn't like about you. Maybe not all of the time, just the times when she was about to cheat on you.

 

It wasn't about you and what she felt about your short comings. It was to ease her own guilt about what she was about to do. To justify in her own mind that it was okay for her to do what she was doing. Making it all your fault in her mind so she could give herself permission to cheat.

 

Does any of that make sense to you? If anything you can take away from this post, know that her cheating on you wasn't your fault. It was a choice that she made.