Would you stay on these terms?

[peanutgallery]

:cool:New here and need help. Sorry, if my story is long.

 

I am deep in confusion. I just started therapy again today....about marital stress.

I have been married for 13 years. We have one child who is 7. We have had a LOT of problems. For some reason, I can't seem to figure out if I should stay or go.

 

I work full time and make a very good income...I've always been the breadwinner.

 

However, I have always been an enabler, too. (therapy) He wanted the big houses and cars...and I've always tried to provide. He still says things like "when mommy gets promoted, (child) then we might be able to get THAT fast car you love." The pressure for me to get us a million dollar house...has been enormous. (Yes, we've been through therapy and he has cut back on some of that.) But, it's now placed us in bankruptcy. Actually ME in bankruptcy. He wanted ME to file alone...so his credit would stay clean and we could still get houses/loans etc.

 

Anyway, we both used to work in the same industry. I always got him his jobs...because I was usually in a position where I could...he worked at the same place as I did ..for many years. (He's VERY good at his craft...but it just doesn't bring in the $$$)

 

Because of MY Grueling hours and failure to make enough money....I started exploring starting a side business. I worked my "day job" and then threw myself into self education. I started to get some good clients...and my husband wanted to work on that business, too. He thought if he quit...he could stay home with our son and help build the business.

In reality, I am working my fulltime job, marketing the business...recruiting clients...and HE is staying home and screwing up just about every job I have recruited. He truly lost me a 70k contract because he royally screwed up the invoice and wire transfer. The clients walked..because they thought I was inept. At a recent consulting job, he "accidentally" insulted a woman because he wasn't listening properly and she went off on him...and we lost the contract.

 

We don't have s*x. It's been awful for years...and I've brought it up several times and he just keeps going back to "I don't initiate because I know you are stressed". We average about once a month and I want NO part of it.

 

I personally think he's an idiot outside of his craft -- our son's school nurse called me THREE Times to tell me she STILL couldn't get the documents for our son's LIVE SAVING medication. (therapist told me to start delegating) It was HIS job to make sure our son had his meds in the office. It took husband TWO MONTHS. THank God our son didn't have an emergency.

 

He makes dinners....offers to rub my shoulders. He's polite... But, at the same time, he's hiring lawn workers (300.00 a month!) to do our lawn ..even though I'm bankrupt and he's staying home.

 

I have talked to him about this and he typically just gets angry... he throw tantrums, shapes up a little, and then the cycle begins again.

 

I don't WANT to divorce. I like being married...but after therapy today, I could tell the therapist thought I was insane for staying and being so far in denial. I guess I just need an objective viewpoint....

Would you stay?

[pteromom]

I guess my question is what is your husband bringing to the marriage?

 

He isn't working.

He is inept around the house.

He pressures you to do more and bring in more money.

He doesn't have sex with you (although it sounds like you may not want it?)

He's not a great caregiver to your child.

 

I think I would insist on change in order to move forward. He needs to be either bringing money into the household or taking on the job of managing the household as far as chores and childcare. If he's gonna be a stay-at-home-dad, he has to look at that as his job.

 

He needs to stay out of your side business!

 

I guess I would get tough and see what happens before I left, since you don't really WANT to leave.

[peanutgallery]

The last time I got tough with him... And suggested we downsize on the cars and he find a job that allowed him to be home more (he used to work an opposite schedule than me) he suggested that he go buy a scooter and drive our son around on that... And offered to quit his job and go work at Walgreens for minimum wage.

 

When I get tough with him... He gets stubborn and manipulates...

[Grumpybutfun]

Would you stay?

 

Go back to your post and read it and pretend that your daughter or son wrote it...now ask yourself if you would want her/him to stay in this situation? That is your answer.

Best Wishes,

Grumps

[Mr. Lucky]

When I get tough with him... He gets stubborn and manipulates...

Which won't work unless you allow yourself to be manipulated .

 

Interesting - and accurate - that you label yourself an enabler. Most of his acting out - working for your company, getting you alone to go BK, etc. - couldn't have been done without your cooperation. So you seem to be blaming him for decisions you at least had a hand in.

 

I'd opt for one of two things -

 

- leave

 

- or stay and insist on a marriage between equal partners on the same page, sex included.

 

You have some choices to make and work to do either way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[peanutgallery]

Some odd behaviors started a few years ago.. (he only wanted me to give him hand jobs "because he didn't want to inconvenience me"). Now we don't have sex. After therapy he said he'd try harder and he did for awhile. But sex always seemed awkward and forced.

 

So IF everything worked out and things improved.. I don't know if I could get the sex desire back with him.

 

I brought up his lack of initiating about 6 months ago. He said he'd do better. But it didn't work. Now it's been about a month. He suggested something about sex and I just gave him BJ to get it over with. I'm just not wanting it ..

 

Also he will prance around goofy and slap his as@ and sing Santa baby like Marilyn Monroe. He does hip thrusts and tips around on his toes like a woman..,

 

It's just very unattractive to me. Am I just too judgmental?

[Lisa_Lisa]

Some odd behaviors started a few years ago.. (he only wanted me to give him hand jobs "because he didn't want to inconvenience me"). Now we don't have sex. After therapy he said he'd try harder and he did for awhile. But sex always seemed awkward and forced.

 

So IF everything worked out and things improved.. I don't know if I could get the sex desire back with him.

 

I brought up his lack of initiating about 6 months ago. He said he'd do better. But it didn't work. Now it's been about a month. He suggested something about sex and I just gave him BJ to get it over with. I'm just not wanting it ..

 

Also he will prance around goofy and slap his as@ and sing Santa baby like Marilyn Monroe. He does hip thrusts and tips around on his toes like a woman..,

 

It's just very unattractive to me. Am I just too judgmental?

 

 

Wow. That's just...weird. It seems like you're raising a man-child. This guy doesn't have a care or a clue in the world. You have to get tough with him and don't allow him to manipulate you otherwise in a few years time, you'll be left with nothing and he'll walk away carefree.

[peanutgallery]

I got married young. I didn't have a lot of partners. But tell me... Is it common for guys to be goofy like that? Pulling their boxers up to their nipples and prancing around like a woman? Or signing Santa baby like a woman and pretending their arse is so hot.., their finger burns.

 

I know he likes to goof around. But I've nicely asked him not to be so silly. He stopped for about a month and then started again.

 

Am I wrong for not seeing that as hot? Maybe I should be the one to loosen up? I just can't seem to get to that place with him.

[devilish innocent]

My husband used to strike a weird fighting pose and claim he was a ninja when he was younger. That's the only thing I can think of that compares to your husband's goofy pretend behavior. I half-jokingly told my husband the ninja thing was kind of annoying the first time he tried it in front of me when we were dating, and he's never done it in front of me since. I think he continued it behind my back for a short while, but has since outgrown the behavior.

 

Anyway, I doubt you'd be nearly as annoyed with your husband's immature behavior if you felt he could be mature when it mattered. It's not surprising you're feeling disconnected from him since he won't work on your issues with you. Between this and your lack of interest in sex, I think you're showing symptoms of falling out of love with him. I also think I can see the reasons why.

 

I'd probably leave just due to the fact that your husband gets angry and throws tantrums when you try to work on the issues with him. Your child doesn't need to grow up in a house with so much clamor. They should have a more stress-free environment. They should be exposed to a better role model of how to handle disagreements. If separating from your husband is the way to achieve that, then I think it's what you should do.

 

If you decide to stay with your husband anyway, I would definitely restrict his access to your finances and not make him a part of your business. The finance thing is just a matter of taking responsibility of your money. If one part can't control their spending habits, then the other partner needs to step in and manage things. The job is because the work arrangement seems to be making the conflict worse. It's better not to mix business and pleasure under those circumstances. As bad as the financial loss to your business would be, or even as bad as working at Walgreen's may seem to him, I still think it's a better solution than having escalating hostilities in the home.

 

But I would only do these things and stay if I believed there was a way to discuss issues with him without it leading to a temper tantrum. Even then, you would need to decide how much you are willing to live with some of these issues. It kind of sounds like you've already tried to fix the problem with couples therapy, and it hasn't really solved the problems. So I don't see why there would be a reason to expect things to be different in the future.

[peanutgallery]

Yes it's difficult because on the surface everything appears great. He is typically nice... Makes meals ... Watches our son while I'm working ... He's a good looking guy. Coaches our son's soccer team.

 

He's getting freelance work (thanks to me) and making a decent amount every month. But, he isn't actively working to secure future work.

 

Also, I'm in bankruptcy... He hasn't attended a single meeting. He is requesting a weekend at resort (300.00 a night) .. This weekend. I said no, of course.

 

But he's happy... Or so it appears when I go along with everything. But no sex. As stated, when it happens... It's strained at best.

 

We don't have a cent to our name and I'm trying to change that... Alone. And when I question him... He stubbornly shuts down or hangs up on me. The "alright ... Gotta go...click" hang up.

 

He's unreliable and has no friends. He says he doesn't like friends (unless he needs help).

 

But he IS nice ... And everything appears great now. It makes it hard for me to file divorce when things seem so calm at the moment.

[2sunny]

Your h acts like a child. He's been dragging you down in the M/partnership.

 

But YOU HAVE ALLOWED it. Stop allowing it.

 

Ya know, once you let go of that ball and chain - you may realize just how deep he pulled you under.

 

It's only going to continue if you keep allowing it.

 

He can go find another Mommy to provide him all the things he needs in life - but is unable to work for himself.

 

He won't grow up - at least not while you mother him and provide him with all his needs.

 

Resenting someone isn't loving behavior.

 

You can't make him grow up - but you can show that it's unacceptable and end the M.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP

 

You are at the end of your tether.

 

He is a man child - fun and kind, sulky and selfish, and completely unable to anticipate the future.

 

I'd divorce but not before getting back on a financial footing. Sorry but you were nuts for going bankrupt yourself , for mutually incurred debt for things he wanted most.

 

But first try talk, reason, some anger and some end to the enabling. No consequences for actions equals no reason to change, as they say hereabouts.

[peanutgallery]

Well, he makes meals... Offers to rub my feet, cleans the house (at times) ....he sure does act like the perfect husband... On the outside. I think that is what makes it so hard. I feel like I'm the problem...

 

However, he said that part of his "job" at home is to organize all the bills... Contact an accountant (about my business) .. And the reality is ... All of the receipts/bills are still piled up under the counter.

 

He has not done any of that...

 

And this am... He wanted to snuggle with me again in bed. He said "turn over, turn over, let "Lucy" come over".... There's the weirdness coming out again. "Lucy" was the dog I had to give up years ago because he wanted to commit suicide with her... After she got aggressive with our son.

[pteromom]

And this am... He wanted to snuggle with me again in bed. He said "turn over, turn over, let "Lucy" come over".... There's the weirdness coming out again. "Lucy" was the dog I had to give up years ago because he wanted to commit suicide with her... After she got aggressive with our son.

 

???? He wanted to commit suicide with your dog?

 

That sounds very odd to me. Was he maybe making a comment that you would snuggle with him if he was a dog or something?

 

Weird.

 

And yes, his odd dancing and silliness is weird too, but it's nice that he feels he can be silly with you. It's a testament to his openness to you, at least.

 

Not that you are wrong that it doesn't turn you on.

 

But the major issue here isn't that. It's his contribution to your household. It's absolutely ridiculous that you are in bankruptcy and struggling while he just hangs out at home. It would be fine if he was a SAHM and you guys were doing fine financially, but when things get bad, both partners have to pitch in to save the family.

[fanine]

My impression from reading your description is he could possibly be gay or bisexual? Has he ever expressed to you how he feels about his sexuality?

[peanutgallery]

Yes....i suspected the same thing. I asked him with the help of a therapist... And he says he is NOT gay or bi.

 

It's hard because it appears the symptoms are there, but I have to believe what he tells me, right?

[fanine]

Yes....i suspected the same thing. I asked him with the help of a therapist... And he says he is NOT gay or bi.

 

It's hard because it appears the symptoms are there, but I have to believe what he tells me, right?

 

I guess so, unless for some reason, if he is, he feels it is something he cannot honestly talk about. Especially to you, as he might feel you would end the marriage or something.

[peanutgallery]

Agree... I just don't know how to feel. He doesn't initiate and I'm sure it is partially because he thinks I don't want to go there... And .. Unfortunately he's right these days.

 

He just recently saw me long into his email and he instantly changed his passwords. Also I know from his email that he was approached about a freelance job and the woman pitching the job is being flirtatious. My husnand tells me about this job but tells me the person pitching it... Is a guy.

 

I know that doesn't mean a whole lot... But it's odd.

 

Also. He knows his freelance work is tightening up and he just told me he wants to hire a maid... He had a coupon.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I hereby offer my replacement services in stead of your poor house-husband, here is my contract;

 

- Cut/mow lawns grass

- Excellent cleaner

- Provide hours if necessary of frequent sex at will and on call...you have options in terms of speeds..(waterfall), (slow), (medium), (high), (thundering)

- Excellent speaker/conversationalist

- Personable/Excellent in sales - will make you money, not lose you money

- Punctual and thorough (consider your bills paid on time!)

- Relationship knowledgeable (can assist in therapy)

- Mature/does not throw tantrums or play peekaboo

- Good with money

- Understanding/supportive

 

Payment: We'll discuss that later!

 

My greatest concern is what are you in therapy for? O.o

[peanutgallery]

SOme interesting things have happened over the last 2 days..my husband was telling me about a freelance job he was being considered for... And he said he was just contacted out of the blue by this "guy". Well, it turns out it is a woman. He left his email open on our computer and I saw her email.. It was flirtatious and he was talking about football and art with her too... She made it very clear in the email that she's single.

 

Well I just left the email open too. He noticed it was open and asked me why I opened it. I told him I found it that way... Well within an hour he had changed his password.

 

I just find it all weird....

 

Also, he told me today he had a 90 dollar coupl and wants to hire a maid.

 

Grrrrr