At what point do I give up? Or I am wrong?

[Belle88]

Hello everyone! I really appreciate everyone taking time to read this and I hope that I will get some advice on this situation.

 

I have a long term boyfriend and we've been together for over 7 years. We are both in our mid-20s. I am feeling really frustrated about our relationship and I am really close to pulling the plug. I feel that as I start to get older I would like to take my relationship to the next level i.e getting engaged or heck even moving in together.

 

Let's start with the biggest isssue in my opinion which is our living situations. We are both currently still at home with our parents. I am just finishing up my last year in college after taking many years away from college to work and he is currently just working. It has been a good thing for me to be at home and be able to save up and really just focus on school and work plus now that I am older being at home is like living with roommates. He doesn't want to move out of his mother's house for two reasons 1. He is super cheap even though he could financially move out and not be at all affected and 2. Because his mother still does alot for him i.e paying for alot of his things and cooking. It probably sounds like he is a weirdo still being at home but he finished his graduate last year.

 

Being in your mid-20s and living at home is one thing but trying to have a normal , healthy, adult relationship is nearly impossible for us. With my work and school schedule it's hard to even find the time to be together then factor in having no privacy. We have to follow our parents schedule which is fine since we live with them and its their house but not being able to have that private time to talk and forget about having a normal sex life. So that is a big issue because there is nowhere to have sex.

 

I've brought up engagement a few times in the past two years and he gets really annoyed with me.

 

I also feel really neglected in my relationship. I spend more time with my friends than I do with him which I think is a big red flag. I know he is working hard at his job to establish himself but I don't feel like that's a big enough excuse to not call me daily or to just see me like once a week.

 

I do love him and we have talked about future together and planned things but I have no reason to believe that he will follow through.

 

My mom has told me that she is very concerned and if doesn't want to get engaged after 7+ years what is the hope of ever getting engaged. Everyone in my life is asking me about it.

 

I need a change but I don't know how to do it?

[Silly_Girl]

I need a change but I don't know how to do it?

 

Is it your change to make? Seems like you want *him* to change, and don't know how you can FORCE him.

 

You don't talk a whole lot about how much you love him and why what you two have is so special, and why you've chosen him to be with for 7 years - do you realise that?

 

You mention you guys have things planned for the future. What things? How defined are the plans? What timescale?

 

Pending your answers to the above he sounds relatively uninvested. He sounds like a lazy boy who's not grown to much and maybe either doesn't truly feel you're 'the one' or maybe he's secure in the knowledge that you won't move on so he can play to his own tune and you'll fall in line.

 

In your position I'd be frustrated too. I would want an easier set-up day to day; more quality time, opportunity for sex etc.

 

How committed are you for these things? How determined are you for a different way of doing things? Enough that you would move on if he's not making some serious moves towards things being better?

[TigerCub]

Do you really want to marry a cheapo?

 

He seems like a childish guy that isn't even interested in growing up and living in the adult world.

Also, if he's so used to mommy doing so very much for him, who do you think he'd expect to fill that role if you do get married?

 

Hmmmm....somethings to ponder...

[Belle88]

I guess one of my biggest fear is despite him saying that he does want to be with me forever that it'll never happen and then I'll be over 30 with no committment and then we break up. Alot of people in my life have pointed out that I am not getting any younger and it would be awful to spend my "youth" with someone who is not serious about me.

 

I am not warm and mushy so it's hard for me to write a thousand reasons why I love him and our relationship. I think the biggest reason we are still together is that when we are together everything just feels right and comfortable. We can talk about pretty much anything and if I really needed him to be there he would.

 

I am more of a physical person meaning I need that time to just be close and I'm not just talking about sex. When we go on vacations together we are completely insync but the problems really arise when we are seperate but it just kills me that he is okay with the seperation and not seeing me frequently or heck even calling me.

 

I really am not happy in our relationship right now

[Belle88]

So I think we might be broken up or close to it.

 

We had probably our biggest argument we've ever had in 7 years last weekend. We were bickering about a million little things and eventually I told him how I felt about everything and he was pretty much unresponsive.

[salparadise]

So I think we might be broken up or close to it.

 

We had probably our biggest argument we've ever had in 7 years last weekend. We were bickering about a million little things and eventually I told him how I felt about everything and he was pretty much unresponsive.

 

Since you're mid-20s and have been together 7+ years, it seems as if you started dating as teenagers and just never made any changes, never really matured to an adult relationship. You said you'd mentioned engagement and he get annoyed. Nobody has to tell you what that means, right? Can you reasonably expect him to be any different 3-5-7 years from now?

 

To everything there is a season... you know in your heart that the summer of your youth is coming to a close. It's time to become who you will be, to move toward your destiny. You don't need to see it as a loss, embrace it as a new beginning and cherish the memories as you turn the page.

[Quiet Storm]

I would just come right out and ask him if he plans on marrying you and what is his time frame for that.

 

I met my husband at 15 (now I am 37 & we are married), so young relationships do not always fail. However, he wanted to marry me right after we graduated HS. I asked him why he wanted to marry me so young and he said he knew I was "the one" and that he didn't want to risk losing me to another guy. There was no reason to wait because he knew he wanted to spend his life with me.

 

I don't know if all guys have that mindset, but it's obvious that your BF doesn't share that sense of urgency. He might think you'll be there forever, and ends up taking you for granted. You deserve a man that values you, that knows you are something special & shows it with his actions, not just his words.

 

Men don't have a ticking clock, so you can't expect him to just read your mind. Be honest with him and tell him "Look, I want a committed relationship. I want to live with my partner. It's time for me to get settled. If you don't share my goals, if you can't make an effort with me to make this happen- let me know now. Because if you want something else out of life, then we need to go our separate ways. Time is precious to me and I don't want to spend the best years of my youth in my parents house. I want to build a life and a home with you, and I want to start now. If you don't want that, it is not fair to string me along. If you are confused about what you want, then now is the time for you to figure it out."

 

Some guys are just clueless. They see 47 YO Halle Berry having healthy babies and assume that is normal for everyone. The truth is that fertility declines after 35 and the risk of complications goes up. For Down Syndrome, the risk at age 25 is about 1 in 1250. The risk at age 35 is around 1 in 385. If you do want children, and if this relationship doesn't work out, you will need time to meet others, establish a relationship, etc. It's smart that you are thinking of this in your mid 20s.

[Belle88]

I wanted to update everyone.

 

I've only spoken to him once since our big fight on Friday. He called just to see if I still needed a ride to pick my car up from the shop at the end of the work so I highly doubt we'll talk beforehand. This is the first time where I've really thought "Wow we might not be together forever" but I also feel like I deserve someone who cares about me and I'm not feeling that now.

 

When I ask him for a timeframe he just makes excuses. I asked him when we were together for 5 years that if we made it to 7 years that we probably should get engaged and he agreed now that time has come and he has no interest in it.

[soccerrprp]

When I ask him for a timeframe he just makes excuses. I asked him when we were together for 5 years that if we made it to 7 years that we probably should get engaged and he agreed now that time has come and he has no interest in it.

 

Belle88,

 

I am sorry that you are going through this now. It sucks. I know a few female friends who waited years, 5+ years to only find out that marriage was not going to be in the cards.

 

I just don't understand why anyone would wait more than 3, but that's me. He likes(d) the way things are now. You are practically living like a married couple, so what does a piece of paper mean? To you, a lot. But, if this time he hasn't asked, unless something DRAMATIC happens, we won't.

 

You, we all deserve what our hearts desire if reasonable and marriage for you is more than reasonable.