Does it get better or worse after he/she moves out?

[melissag]

My husband completely blindsided me last Friday, saying he wants a divorce. There were definitely issues in our relationship but never in a million years would I have thought to get divorced. The past week has been some kind of torture. It's like he just shut off all feelings for me . . . 13 years (11 married) down the drain. He will be perfectly cordial and act happy around the kids (we haven't told them yet). I have gone through every emotion in random order many times. We are on a family vacation (shoot me) right now, and waiting to tell the kids until we can talk with a counselor who is experienced in how/what to tell children, and how to come up with a parenting plan . . . we get that started next week. He is quite excited to move out - obviously in his head right now, things are going to be so great without me around. He even mentioned that yeah sure, he might be dating within a few weeks. He thinks he is going to have the kids 50% of the time, and that it will be great - he'll be a much better father without me around. (I have been a SAHM since they were born, and though he is very involved with them, yes, they view me as the rule maker and the one they go to when they need something. They like to push the limits with him and of course in his mind this is all my fault. I assume he will learn otherwise but still find a way to blame me anyway.)

 

I could go on, because at the moment I am in a pissed off state, that he can unilaterally decide to destroy three lives ("I get to do that because it's my life." "It's time for me to be selfish." etc.) But what I am asking is this - for those who have had time between the bombshell and the actual moving out - did it get better or worse once the moving out actually happened?

 

Right now I can't imagine which is worse. Him being around and feeling like I am being punched in the gut 150 times a day, or him being gone and being left in our home (which I will be forced to sell and downsize in a few months) that is no longer a home without him. I think I kind of have a little bit of comfort in him being there just because that's the way it has been for so long - but then he is unavailable to me and that is so painful.

 

I have spent the last week being such a wreck - sleeping at most two hours a night is what is killing me the most, I think. And I just need some kind of light at the end of this tunnel. No, I need it before the end of the tunnel. Thinking that in three years, maybe I'll be over this, isn't really helping me right now. It just makes it seem like forever. Will I begin to heal more once he is gone and I am forced to believe it's actually happening? I want to get out of this stage, it is TORTURE.

[Misadventure]

I am really sorry this is happening...I feel your pain. TRUST me..

 

Is there grandparents or friends that your kids can go to for the weekend?

 

Take the weekend and have a seriously good cry...grieve as much as you can.. throw things.. do what you need to do...see a doctor.. get on some anti-depressants and something to relax you at night so you can sleep.

 

When the kids are around...Just don't cry in front of them. Thats why I said if there was somewhere they can go on the weekend. Because you need to cry.. you need to feel it.. because then you need to rebuild your strength, get strong and get ready for the big battle that will commence.

 

Read the 180 thread and no contact thread.

 

I understand about the hurt.. about your life being pulled apart.. and all the dreams for your future with this man being pulled from under you and you had no clue this was going to happen.

 

It is a long long road.... journal.. write.. post here.. get it out.. and then fight the eff back.

 

But you do need to take the time for you as well right now..it's hard...and some days you will feel you have hit bottom. You will be on the floor yelling... crying...feeling bottom...but then it slowly gets better.

 

Some days you will come back to crying.. but I can promise you that you will hit a week where you aren't crying everyday.. then it becomes less and less... then you say... hell, I haven't cried in a week...And then who knows, you may cry for a day after... allow yourself.. but then cut that time...you have better things to do. Focus on getting yourself up...fighting back.. giving your H both fingers...and showing your kids what strength is about and their mother will not go down...but she will rise.

[Yarrow]

He even mentioned that yeah sure, he might be dating within a few weeks.

...

"I get to do that because it's my life." "It's time for me to be selfish." etc.

 

He said those things? Seriously, what?

 

My husband said some pretty kooky things when he left me, but your husband is nuts. Oh, it is so over. :mad:

 

Don't worry. The feelings will probably get a little worse before they get better, but they will get better. You are still in shock mode, moving into depression mode. Depression mode really sucks. Call in your support network to help you get through this: friends, family, therapist/doctor. At some point, you might transition from thinking, "how could this happen to me?" and "how could he do this to me?" to "how dare he do this to me! Who the heck does he think he is?" We think of anger as being a negative emotion, but if you can maintain a cool anger instead of a hot anger, you can channel it into something constructive. It will help you get over him and stay the course when he starts trying to manipulate you. Hot anger is not so helpful. It tends to screw with your judgement, so try to avoid that.

 

It will get better. But you have to go through the grief. There doesn't seem to be a way around it or over it. If you want to get to the other side, you have to plow straight through. So gather your friends, even ones you haven't spoken to in years and let them support you through the experience.

[K Os]

But what I am asking is this - for those who have had time between the bombshell and the actual moving out - did it get better or worse once the moving out actually happened?

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

I can only speak for myself, but I think it might help. Between announcing the end of our marriage and moving out took my wife 13 months (thirteen - count 'em). That period of my life is not something I ever want to revisit. Immediately after she moved out my emotions took a big dive - it became real and 3D at that point and there was a patch of acute pain for me. I'm 14 months on from that point now, and believe me it's easier to deal with it all if you are no longer living under the same roof. I got to cry whenever I wanted without feeling weak, got to be angry alone without worrying about the consequences, got to spend a whole day just reading and walking the dog if that's what I needed. It takes time to get better after a blow like this, but I would say a firm yes, if he's leaving you then it really is better sooner than later.

 

"It's time for me to be selfish."

Yes, mine said this too. I wonder where this comes from? Is there a timetobeselfish.com that we don't know about?

[melissag]

He said those things? Seriously, what?

 

My husband said some pretty kooky things when he left me, but your husband is nuts. Oh, it is so over. :mad:

.

 

Right? I have already been to both extremes in my head - omg this is all my fault and what an a hole this is all his fault. I think the issues in our marriage were both our "fault," but I am very angry about the way he has chosen to handle this. The selfish and "it's my life" comments really burn me up when there are two innocent children who are about to have their lives turned upside down.

 

MisA and KO, thanks for your insight and support. I'm not a wallowing type person (prefer to figure out a solution and march on), and I have been lucky in life to never have suffered a big loss like this. I despise crying and feeling sorry for myself, but this is too big to squelch. If letting it out helps me to gain strength, I guess I have to do it. So far, I've learned that grieving is hard work.

 

I have a lot of anger and i do hope I can use it constructively. No, I will not cry in front of my children. I just really need to get out of this temper tantrum stage, where I just keep thinking, "but I don't WANT to do this."

 

I'm a little confused about 180. So far I am doing all the things like not begging, not talking about relationship, etc. I'm doing my best to act happy, or like I don't care . . . What's the line there? I have avoided snide comments, crying and yelling (harder than it sounds), but am I supposed to be nice or act indifferent or mad? In my emotional state, I'm just not sure what will leave me with the most dignity later on. If I don't let on that I am angry, am I just letting him off the hook and making myself a doormat? Sigh. Wish I had my uncomplicated life back.

[melissag]

Thanks, BK. We are on vacation right now (with another family, how's that for stressful?) and I wish he hadn't come. He is almost manic with his happiness with the kids (look what a great Dad he is!!) and basically ignores me. Other than to send me text messages pressuring me to find a time to meet with the counselor who is helping us figure out a parenting plan. I'm really not pleased being treated like garbage and I feel like saying screw you, leave me alone on my vacation. (We already each have an individual appointment set up, as that is how the counselor works; H wants to set up the next one where we meet together right now, and make it ASAP. Does he think we are going to figure out a parenting plan in an hour??)

 

Argh. I want to pretend (bc that's what it will be, at least for now) that I'm fine with all this but it's really effing hard.

 

Love being able to vent here. I have only told one friend so far and don't want to constantly burden her; I only get 45 minutes a week of IC; and my parents are out of the country. Also, I have no friends/family who will understand what I am going through - great to have it here.

[Misadventure]

. I just really need to get out of this temper tantrum stage, where I just keep thinking, "but I don't WANT to do this."

 

I'm a little confused about 180. So far I am doing all the things like not begging, not talking about relationship, etc. I'm doing my best to act happy, or like I don't care . . . What's the line there? I have avoided snide comments, crying and yelling (harder than it sounds), but am I supposed to be nice or act indifferent or mad? In my emotional state, I'm just not sure what will leave me with the most dignity later on. If I don't let on that I am angry, am I just letting him off the hook and making myself a doormat? Sigh. Wish I had my uncomplicated life back.

 

That's not a temper tantrum stage.. that is the shock/sadness/anger/disbelief.. and the fact that you are not the one that wants this.

 

It is so difficult when someone else makes a decision impacting your whole life and you have no part of the decision, they just do it.

 

It is selfish on their part, heartless, ignorant, and just plain bullsh/y/t.

 

The 180.. you don't have to pretend "to be happy".. you just need to keep moving..start doing things for you... NO CONTACT as best you can.. start going out with your friends more.. start doing the things that reflected you before him..get a new haircut..just get moving...GO TO THE GYM- trust me it helps. If there is a kickboxing or zumba class, do it. Focus on YOU.

 

If he calls, when you talk, act non-nonchalant..you are moving on because you have to...so let him feel this. At first it doesn't feel right.. it hurts.. but eventually you start to fit into the shoes you are building for yourself.

[Suzanne L]

 

The 180.. you don't have to pretend "to be happy".. you just need to keep moving..start doing things for you... NO CONTACT as best you can.. start going out with your friends more.. start doing the things that reflected you before him..get a new haircut..just get moving...GO TO THE GYM- trust me it helps. If there is a kickboxing or zumba class, do it. Focus on YOU.

 

If he calls, when you talk, act non-nonchalant..you are moving on because you have to...so let him feel this. At first it doesn't feel right.. it hurts.. but eventually you start to fit into the shoes you are building for yourself.

Some great advice here! Believe me, this works! Do it for YOU. This helps with your PMA (Positive Mental Attitude). Misadventure is right, if you do these things soon you will start to feel better. Start doing those 180s!

 

-best of luck and take care,

-Suzanne

[melissag]

Thanks, guys. I am doing it for me, but I have to admit, there is a part of me (a large part), that hopes it is going to bring my H back. And I'm not sure how to get rid of that part. i just have to keep remembering that even if it changes nothing with him, it will change something with me. But then I think, what good is it to be happy with me if I have nobody to share it with?

 

I am trying to take things one day at a time. Do the job I have for today, and not try to resolve all those thoughts, questions, and fears . . . that is what is killing me. The thoughts of being lonely, losing friends, not ever going on a family vacation again, my kids having to shuttle from house to house, my H having a girlfriend (which I know he will soon, it's obvious that's what he is excited about and why he wants to leave), having to get a job (I have been a SAHM for 9+ years), only getting to see my kids half the time, what to do about all the future plans we made for trips, weddings, etc. And worse yet, feeling like this forever while he never gains any perspective or sees the loss. it's so overwhelming. Can I do that? Can i just focus on one thing, one day at a time, and squelch all that other stuff? Or am I just setting myself up to be smacked hard in the face with everything later? Why is this so effing complicated?

 

So we are on vacation now, and we have to act "normal" since we haven't told the kids or the other family we are vacationing with. I am dreading going home. I don't know what it's going to be like, or what I should be like. I just know I can't be like what I feel like, which is a piece of dog s/h/i/t. So I pretty much have to come up with a plan of how to think and act. How messed up is that. Since he is still living with us, I'm not sure how to act. Just act completely normal aside from not bringing up our marriage (past, present or future), and make sure I don't (God forbid) touch him? Only talk to him about practical things like the kids, and act like I am cheerful, happy and doing things for myself?

 

Thanks for all the support here. Invaluable.

[Mr. Lucky]

my H having a girlfriend (which I know he will soon, it's obvious that's what he is excited about and why he wants to leave)

Unfortunately, I'd guess he's seeing someone now. Absent total disconnection in the marriage, most spouses don't jump without somewhere to land. If you have access to cell phone records, email, bank accounts, etc., you may be able to find out for sure.

 

In your case, I'd make an appointment for MC and give him one chance to attend. Absent that, I'd file ASAP. As a SAHM with kids, you need to establish support, visitation, etc.

 

Sorry it's come to this...

 

Mr. Lucky