Shamed Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 I dumped my longterm bf Dan a couple of months ago because I cheated on him with my dorm roommate. He doesn't know this and feels the breakup was his fault. I feel guilty and want to tell him the real reason, but is there a point in doing so? Our relationship is so over. What's the point in hurting him more? But my friend's urging me to tell him the truth. What do you think will happen if I do? What should I expect? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 which friend is telling to do this? if it is your dorm boy-toy then don't listen to him... no need to add salt to the wound. keep in quiet but the ex may find out eventually from someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 No, don't tell him. The only possible exception might be if you had made a big point of telling him that it was all his fault. That would have been so wrong that you should reverse your stories. But you know what? You felt the need to go and cheat in the r/s. Lots of times, this kind of action is used as a prelude to a breakup that is already being seriously considered. I doubt that you had the perfect r/s with Dan, and that it was fully satisfying to you, and then you bizarrely decided to end it by cheating. So...the r/s had problems. And usually, both parties contribute. So I don't think it will hurt Dan to spend a little time mulling over what he might have done differently to build a stronger relationship and prevent this kind of problem. Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 Let this lie in the dust--he's your ex, not your priest. It'll either hurt his feelings, piss him off, or he may not care anymore. He may even know or have suspected. It just doesn't matter now. Learn from the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 Hello, I disagree with the other posters. Your ex is wondering what he did wrong and it will haunt him. How would you feel if someone broke up with you without giving any reason. You would think that you did something wrong. Out of respect you should tell him you why you broke up with him. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to know it was something that you did not do to cause the breakup. It is so unfair to make him think he did something wrong when it was you who did this. It would be an act of kindness to tell him the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Colleen Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 Well i think that he definetly deserves to know the truth, you should have told him the reason a long time ago. As for wanting to know if it is going to hurt him, yes it is, but he deserves the truth. HE shouldn't have to believe that it is his fault. Put yourself in his shoes..would you want to knw the truth?..Remember it is always better to know the truth and shed a tear rather than being told a lie for a fake smile! Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 Frankly I think you should leave it alone -- you cheated on him, acted shady and then dumped him. You should think about how this affects your view of yourself and how others will view you. Why drag him into it? Lastly, I agree that a lot of [young] people cheat on the way out of relationships. We also know by tradition that young people in college are often 5-6 drinks away from cheating on any given night. We don't know from the post whether there were any problems in the relationship (other than that it was amongst college sweethearts, who are notoriously fickle) at all, or that any of them were his fault. Personally, unless he was mentally or physically abusive to you or cheated himself, no matter what I don't see the moral high ground for cheating and then saying "he made me do it because there were problems in the relationship." Put it this way, the next guy who comes along -- are you going to tell him that you cheated on your last b/f? Why not? Because he won't trust you? I'd put the event into context, leave your ex alone (get tested for STDs -- if your ex ends up with one you could have some issues), and make sure you don't cheat on anyone else (or just give up exclusive dating if one guy isn't enough) Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 many people i have seen already know the truth but do not want to be told it. They gloss it over and hide it under the rug. as that famous quote from the movie goes: "YOU CAN"T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!" Link to post Share on other sites
Shamed Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 No, I didn't blame Dan. But he still feels like it's his fault even though our relationship was already lagging. I'm so afraid of the blowup and the hurt to follow if I tell him more, but I feel as if he has a right to know. I'm so torn because most friends have given an emphatic NO to telling. It's not just for my selfish need to let it out; I think he deserves to know. But please, I welcome any viewpoints on what's going to happen once I say something. Link to post Share on other sites
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