missmiss123 Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 So I'm dating 2 guys at the moment, early stages, one is 2 dates and the other is 3 dates. I've kissed both of them on the dates and quite keen on both. But the problem is neither of them text me everyday, keep in mind that I never initiate the dates or first texts but always respond to them. (One of the guys doesn't even ever ask me how my day was, he only texts to arrange dates) If they are not texting me everyday, does this mean one or more of the following: - They are not that interested? - They are dating multiple girls? - They are keeping their options open? - Any other reasons....? Should I continue dating them or move on...? Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 Wait, if you're so worried about communication why don't you initiate some? They might be asking the same exact questions about you. This is what I disliked about dating more than anything, people afraid to be themselves, be upfront, and honest about things. When I crossed a girl like this I hit the next button, just not worth all the games. All you're doing is wasting your time, emotion, and mental health by not being direct and instead worrying about things. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmiss123 Posted October 4, 2013 Author Share Posted October 4, 2013 Wait, if you're so worried about communication why don't you initiate some? They might be asking the same exact questions about you. This is what I disliked about dating more than anything, people afraid to be themselves, be upfront, and honest about things. When I crossed a girl like this I hit the next button, just not worth all the games. All you're doing is wasting your time, emotion, and mental health by not being direct and instead worrying about things. I understand that there shouldn't be any games but I honestly don't want to seem too desparate... and with me, it's like everything that I chase runs away. In the past I was so honest, direct and would intiate some contact but it never works out. I just feel like if a guy really likes you, he would chase.. right? Especially anything before 5th date. What do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
StanMusial Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 If a girl was dating around I wouldn't take her too seriously. Therefore I wouldn't put forth much more than a required minimum of effort. Sounds like these guys are handling things well, no worries. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmiss123 Posted October 4, 2013 Author Share Posted October 4, 2013 If a girl was dating around I wouldn't take her too seriously. Therefore I wouldn't put forth much more than a required minimum of effort. Sounds like these guys are handling things well, no worries. First of all, it's only the very early stages of dating. Second of all, if I had put all of my efforts and focused on either one of these who didn't even give me more attention, wouldn't that just lead to more disappointment? I think it's only normal to date around until you become exclusive or more serious... I mean if one of these guys asked me if I was dating anyone else of course I would be honest. And if one of them told me they want to date only me, I would consider doing the same but I just don't want to be too naive and assume exclusivity too soon, as I have done this in the past and all that it lead to was heartbreak and foolishness. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 I understand that there shouldn't be any games but I honestly don't want to seem too desparate... and with me, it's like everything that I chase runs away. In the past I was so honest, direct and would intiate some contact but it never works out. I just feel like if a guy really likes you, he would chase.. right? Especially anything before 5th date. What do you guys think? If you were upfront and honest, and someone didn't see a future with you, be thankful for them not wasting your time so you can move on and see if you mesh with someone else. What you get by playing games is a longer path, that takes more time, to get to the same result. So intead of finding out in 2 weeks that someone doesn't like you, you find out in 2 months instead, all the while stressing and overthinking things. Just do what feels right and if someone likes it, great; if they don't like it, they weren't a good match and you found out that sooner than later. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmiss123 Posted October 4, 2013 Author Share Posted October 4, 2013 If you were upfront and honest, and someone didn't see a future with you, be thankful for them not wasting your time so you can move on and see if you mesh with someone else. What you get by playing games is a longer path, that takes more time, to get to the same result. So intead of finding out in 2 weeks that someone doesn't like you, you find out in 2 months instead, all the while stressing and overthinking things. Just do what feels right and if someone likes it, great; if they don't like it, they weren't a good match and you found out that sooner than later. Your absolutely right.. I think I fear that by being honest (and no longer being the 'cool girl' who just goes with the flow) they will just run away. I think deep down, although both of them are quite new, I know that they aren't too serious. But I guess me bring up the conversation isn't exactly going to make any difference to how serious they are or will be..... Link to post Share on other sites
Carenth Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 Games are for children and the insecure. Don't play games. Honesty goes a long way in building a foundation for a relationship. In fact it is the center of a healthy relationship along with trust. You will never know how they feel unless you talk to them which yes could mean rejection. Dangling a piece of string and playing mind games will not get you the answer you want. I've had girls in the past who I was interested in play hard to get on purpose and then wonder why I didn't chase them. I didn't chase them because that showed they had no respect for me at all. Then they would ask my friends why I was suddenly not interested anymore. Basically you could be making a self fulfilling prophecy by doing what you are doing. Any guy will self respect will just walk away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fondue Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 You said it yourself, it is only the early stages of dating. You also keep repeating that you're afraid of initiating contact due to coming off as desperate or what not. Did you consider that they may be thinking the same exact thing as you are? Maybe they too, do not want to come off as desperate. Or maybe they too, seeing other people. If you are doing it yourself, then you cannot blame them for possibly doing it either. I am never eager to text a woman, but I have always been this way. I don't think texting is necessary. During the initial parts of dating, I barely do any texting at all. If I am setting up a date, I will usually call, set it up, and then meet at the arranged time. Maybe these dudes work things in a similar fashion. Either way, if you are not serious about them (i.e, refusing to contact, dating multiple people, etc.), then please don't expect them to do it for you. That's a bit unfair. Link to post Share on other sites
Fondue Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 Games are for children and the insecure. Don't play games. Honesty goes a long way in building a foundation for a relationship. In fact it is the center of a healthy relationship along with trust. You will never know how they feel unless you talk to them which yes could mean rejection. Dangling a piece of string and playing mind games will not get you the answer you want. I've had girls in the past who I was interested in play hard to get on purpose and then wonder why I didn't chase them. I didn't chase them because that showed they had no respect for me at all. Then they would ask my friends why I was suddenly not interested anymore. Basically you could be making a self fulfilling prophecy by doing what you are doing. Any guy will self respect will just walk away. This too. In most cases, chasing is for chumps. THat's the honest truth. Chasse is another word(s) for "ego stroke." A woman who wants to be chased just wants someone to boost her self esteem. If you need that sort of affirment, then you are probably not the woman for me. And probably not a woman for most men. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmiss123 Posted October 4, 2013 Author Share Posted October 4, 2013 What should I do then? Just contact them whenever I feel like it? And just be honest about what I'm after?? Doesn't that just seem abit over the top when it's only been about 3-4 dates? Link to post Share on other sites
Atem Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 What should I do then? Just contact them whenever I feel like it? And just be honest about what I'm after?? Doesn't that just seem abit over the top when it's only been about 3-4 dates? Goddamn it - I'm so sick of little girls like you who keep dying 100 deaths just because the guys they're seeing are not chasing them like rabid dogs or lusting for contact with them... Here are a couple of pointers: 1. You said it yourself - these are the early stages AND, again, you said that you yourself are multidating AND that you are effectively "freezing" them out by waiting for them to ping you first. Since this is the case, why are you even surprised/mad at these guys for potentially doing the same? 2. IF you like someone, the best way to see whether he's a match is to go for it. Don't smother him but just text whenever you feel like it. If he likes you, he'll play ball and text back. If you're in his "meh" zone, he won't and you can move on. 3. You apparently are either very young or have low self esteem since you're on here brooding on why guys who you've seen 2-3 times do not throw themselves after you and on whether you should "cave" and "text them first". IF you wanna play these childish games, go for it. However, do nto expect to find a nice guy with BF potential this way because 99% of serious, self-respecting guys do NOT put up with this ****. 4. Stable, desirable, BF-material guys usually like women who are the same and who do NOT play games (i.e. who go after what they want instead of "hinting" at it and/or wanting the guy to "chase"). If you want one of these guys, change your behavior and grow up. PS: Philosoraptor and Stan are perfectly correct! Heed their advice and stop being a tease on purpose. It's not only sabotaging your chances with these guys but also making you go nuts in the process, which is retarded... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 What should I do then? Just contact them whenever I feel like it? And just be honest about what I'm after?? Doesn't that just seem abit over the top when it's only been about 3-4 dates? What? Over the top? Over the top telling someone what your expectations are in a relationship? It's by telling them what your expectations are early on that helps to alleviate future misunderstanding and BS. Yes be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmiss123 Posted October 4, 2013 Author Share Posted October 4, 2013 What? Over the top? Over the top telling someone what your expectations are in a relationship? It's by telling them what your expectations are early on that helps to alleviate future misunderstanding and BS. Yes be honest. I'm reading all these dating books i.e. Get the guy, why men love bitches, he's just not that into you... etc It all teaches you to not chase a guy, and to never bring up committment or 'what are we' conversation unless the guy does... it seems that the advice in this forum is all exact opposite to what the book preaches... confused Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 I'm reading all these dating books i.e. Get the guy, why men love bitches, he's just not that into you... etc It all teaches you to not chase a guy, and to never bring up committment or 'what are we' conversation unless the guy does... it seems that the advice in this forum is all exact opposite to what the book preaches... confused Please don't blindly follow these dating books! They are just guides and just one person's point of view. Also many are just money spinners as the authors know people will lap up these books in search of the 'perfect partner'. Just go with the flow! Go by feelings, what seems right. Did the books also suggest you date two guys at the same time? You need to judge each situation differently. You are not being yourself here if you are just doing what the books say. A man wants to meet the real you, and no wonder both seem pretty distant as you are probably conveying completely the wrong message to them both. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmiss123 Posted October 4, 2013 Author Share Posted October 4, 2013 I'm reading all these dating books i.e. Get the guy, why men love bitches, he's just not that into you... etc It all teaches you to not chase a guy, and to never bring up committment or 'what are we' conversation unless the guy does... it seems that the advice in this forum is all exact opposite to what the book preaches... confused They all talk about the same sort of topic/theme etc: The Rules Revisited: Don't Initiate Contact Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 They all talk about the same sort of topic/theme etc: The Rules Revisited: Don't Initiate Contact Did you see my previous reply. This is just one guy's opinion on a blog! This assumes all men are exactly the same. Which they aren't. Like all women are not the same. Please don't rule your dating life by such things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
paperboy48 Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 1. Should the guy always be the one to initiate text in the early stages of dating? I am not sure I agree with this. 2. Should there be contact everday in the early stages of dating someone? Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 What should I do then? Just contact them whenever I feel like it? And just be honest about what I'm after?? Doesn't that just seem abit over the top when it's only been about 3-4 dates? Heavens No! Be secretive. Wait for them to call. Never ever tell them your feelings or thoughts - why that might cause you some embarrassment. Especially do not tell them your expectations or what you are after. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmiss123 Posted October 4, 2013 Author Share Posted October 4, 2013 I'm reading all these dating books i.e. Get the guy, why men love bitches, he's just not that into you... etc It all teaches you to not chase a guy, and to never bring up committment or 'what are we' conversation unless the guy does... it seems that the advice in this forum is all exact opposite to what the book preaches... confused 1. Should the guy always be the one to initiate text in the early stages of dating? I am not sure I agree with this. 2. Should there be contact everday in the early stages of dating someone? You don't think there should be contact everyday in early stages? I think if the guy was very keen, he would be texting all the time... or at least a checkup daily... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 Heavens No! Be secretive. Wait for them to call. Never ever tell them your feelings or thoughts - why that might cause you some embarrassment. Especially do not tell them your expectations or what you are after. Are you being sarcastic? Be secretive = games! Link to post Share on other sites
paperboy48 Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 I think if the guy was very keen, he would be texting all the time... or at least a checkup daily... If it was played out like this - only the girl knows he is interested. How does the guy know she is interested and is not wasting his time with someone who is playing ball? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 Not necessarily. And just because a guy texts you every day doesn't mean he's keen on dating you. First, if he texts you, it might be because he thinks that's the best way to keep your interest, but it's a pretty lazy way, doesn't require a whole lot of effort; he might be doing it even though he thinks it's a chore. He might only be interested in dating you long enough to get laid, and then disappear. Second, I'd look less at texting as a predictor of interest, and more at other things, his behavior around you, at dates, etc. I was seeing a guy who texted me every day, even throughout the day, but he didn't even buy me a coffee, and only kept asking me out to coffee dates. Is he interested but cheap? Or not interested but thinks that texting will keep his one foot in my door? Who knows. But I don't think the fact that he texts me religiously automatically means he's keen on me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TB Rhine Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 Yes OP, remember... in the end, it's all about the amount of $$$ he's willing to shell out on you! ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 You don't think there should be contact everyday in early stages? I think if the guy was very keen, he would be texting all the time... or at least a checkup daily... I don't think there needs to be contact every day at the beginning of dating. I mean, after three dates how long have you known the guy? A couple of weeks? Contact every other day or every two days is fine at that point. It doesn't mean he's not interested. He could well be dating other women, but since you are doing the same that shouldn't matter. As far as your dating books, you have to read them with the bigger picture in mind. Those books are written for women who have poor boundaries and who chase after men to give those types of women bright line rules to follow. If you are a less needy person, you don't need to follow such bright line rules, and can trust your judgment on what to do. It also depends on what kind of man you want. I vastly prefer to date men who are confident pursuers, who lead, initiate dates and calls, and take charge. So, I tend to follow those books in my dating life. I don't chase after men or ask them out in those early stages of dating. (I used to...in my 20s...never worked out. Never. I've had the best relationships with the men who pursued me.) It's okay to initiate contact sometimes, but you have to be able to judge it and not do too much. Things can come off as smothering in those early dates. I personally think you should just carry on as you are until you decide who you like better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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