I hate myself...

[thishatteredsymphony]

I did it... after so many days of trying to be strong and curve my anger, I stooped to her level.

 

I hate myself so much. I'm a terrible, rotten person...

[Frank13]

OK spill. What have you done?

[thishatteredsymphony]

A few days ago I got a Facebook message from my ex's friend Chris. I've never personally met the guy but I knew she would talk to him occasionally. Well, "occasionally" was more like "every single day for many hours at night" Now, I am not the jealous type, I trusted my girlfriend so wholeheartedly that I was blind enough to let her go out with friends and openly flirt with other guys. So her talking to a guy every day didn't bother me. What DID bother me was discovering more lies and more secrets which Chris revealed to me.

 

It turns out during our entire relationship, my ex had been having online sexual roleplays with this guy, and kissed and had sex with him. I wanted to ignore it, but I got so angry and asked him to show me. He posted entire Facebook conversations the two have had. Bad move on my part; I KNOW I should have deleted the conversation immediately.

 

I already knew about one guy she did this with, as she admitted it to me after she dumped me. This other guy's name was Tim, not Chris. So, it now turns out she cheated on me with THREE men -- Chris, Tim, and the guy she's with now. for all I know, there's even more. I never knew or suspected any of it.

 

The conversations between my ex and Chris are unbelieveable. What's pathetic are the moments she talks about how guilty she feels but she can't stop because it's too much fun. And this bastard Chris is telling her not to feel bad, what I don't know won't kill me.

 

So why did he choose to tell me this information now? He said it's because he feelse immensely guilty and couldn't hide it anymore.

 

Since that message 3 days ago my anger and rage has been nothing short of towering and overwhelming. It was already bad enough for a couple weeks but this sent me over the edge. I called my therapist and had a phone conversation to help calm me down. It worked, at least until this morning.

 

I couldn't contain it. I logged onto her YouTube account and deleted it. I wasn't expecting this to work, but she never changed her password (only reason I ever knew it was because she uses the same password for EVERY single thing. But deleting her YouTube account seems minor, right? No, this channel was her pride and joy. She had over 150 videos on it, over 4,000 subscribers, and this channel was essentially a kind of link to her professional life.

 

Do not misunderstand me. I do not care if this means she thinks less of me or even thinks I'm a psycho. I couldn't care any less at this point if she respects me because she clearly did not throughout our entire relationship, no excuses for her lack of self-control and surrounding herself with ****ty friends who encourage her bull**** behavior.

 

No, I'm just disappointed in myself. I thought I was better than this. But... what's done is done, and now I'll just get through my life and hope I won't allow this anger to consume me again.

[AnyaNova]

A few days ago I got a Facebook message from my ex's friend Chris. I've never personally met the guy but I knew she would talk to him occasionally. Well, "occasionally" was more like "every single day for many hours at night" Now, I am not the jealous type, I trusted my girlfriend so wholeheartedly that I was blind enough to let her go out with friends and openly flirt with other guys. So her talking to a guy every day didn't bother me. What DID bother me was discovering more lies and more secrets which Chris revealed to me.

 

It turns out during our entire relationship, my ex had been having online sexual roleplays with this guy, and kissed and had sex with him. I wanted to ignore it, but I got so angry and asked him to show me. He posted entire Facebook conversations the two have had. Bad move on my part; I KNOW I should have deleted the conversation immediately.

 

I already knew about one guy she did this with, as she admitted it to me after she dumped me. This other guy's name was Tim, not Chris. So, it now turns out she cheated on me with THREE men -- Chris, Tim, and the guy she's with now. for all I know, there's even more. I never knew or suspected any of it.

 

The conversations between my ex and Chris are unbelieveable. What's pathetic are the moments she talks about how guilty she feels but she can't stop because it's too much fun. And this bastard Chris is telling her not to feel bad, what I don't know won't kill me.

 

So why did he choose to tell me this information now? He said it's because he feelse immensely guilty and couldn't hide it anymore.

 

Since that message 3 days ago my anger and rage has been nothing short of towering and overwhelming. It was already bad enough for a couple weeks but this sent me over the edge. I called my therapist and had a phone conversation to help calm me down. It worked, at least until this morning.

 

I couldn't contain it. I logged onto her YouTube account and deleted it. I wasn't expecting this to work, but she never changed her password (only reason I ever knew it was because she uses the same password for EVERY single thing. But deleting her YouTube account seems minor, right? No, this channel was her pride and joy. She had over 150 videos on it, over 4,000 subscribers, and this channel was essentially a kind of link to her professional life.

 

Do not misunderstand me. I do not care if this means she thinks less of me or even thinks I'm a psycho. I couldn't care any less at this point if she respects me because she clearly did not throughout our entire relationship, no excuses for her lack of self-control and surrounding herself with ****ty friends who encourage her bull**** behavior.

 

No, I'm just disappointed in myself. I thought I was better than this. But... what's done is done, and now I'll just get through my life and hope I won't allow this anger to consume me again.

I am so sorry that this happened to you!!!!

 

And finding out, it's like you have a whole new loss to grieve and reality to accept.

 

P.S. just for clarification, for those who know my particular history, my ex Tim, is not the one listed above (unless he had a whole something something on the side that I never knew about). I am and always have been a one-man-at-a-time woman.

[thishatteredsymphony]

I am so sorry that this happened to you!!!!

 

And finding out, it's like you have a whole new loss to grieve and reality to accept.

 

P.S. just for clarification, for those who know my particular history, my ex Tim, is not the one listed above (unless he had a whole something something on the side that I never knew about). I am and always have been a one-man-at-a-time woman.

 

Unless your Tim is from Utah, I would very much doubt that.

[AnyaNova]

Completely different state. How are you doing right now?

[thishatteredsymphony]

I still feel pretty bad, but at the same time I feel she got what she deserved.

 

I'm upset with myself, but yet... satisfied? It's weird.

 

I'm trying to justify that doing this completely pales in comparison. We're talking about someone who cheated many times and who has little self control to fix herself but will complain over and over again how miserable she feels. I feel it's one thing to have no remorse for your actions, but it's pathetic that she wants to be a good person but doesn't take the steps to be better. Ever. Maybe doing this is just kicking her when she's down, but then she did the same thing to me. Treated me horribly after the break up and rubbed the new relationship in my face every opportunity.

 

I don't know... it's supposed to be a good thing to rise above these petty desires for vengeance and be respectful even when someone doesn't respect you, right? But something about doing this just gave me savage, pure human pleasure. I know this is going to affect her, it seems so minor but this is going to hurt her. And the deepest parts of my soul are glad.

 

But still, this person isn't me... Clearly, I have no grounds to say anymore that I won't hurt people, because I've already done that. Now I just hope I will be wiser in the future and not do these things again.

[Omei]

I still feel pretty bad, but at the same time I feel she got what she deserved.

 

I'm upset with myself, but yet... satisfied? It's weird.

 

I'm trying to justify that doing this completely pales in comparison. We're talking about someone who cheated many times and who has little self control to fix herself but will complain over and over again how miserable she feels. I feel it's one thing to have no remorse for your actions, but it's pathetic that she wants to be a good person but doesn't take the steps to be better. Ever. Maybe doing this is just kicking her when she's down, but then she did the same thing to me. Treated me horribly after the break up and rubbed the new relationship in my face every opportunity.

 

I don't know... it's supposed to be a good thing to rise above these petty desires for vengeance and be respectful even when someone doesn't respect you, right? But something about doing this just gave me savage, pure human pleasure. I know this is going to affect her, it seems so minor but this is going to hurt her. And the deepest parts of my soul are glad.

 

But still, this person isn't me... Clearly, I have no grounds to say anymore that I won't hurt people, because I've already done that. Now I just hope I will be wiser in the future and not do these things again.

 

What you did was wrong but I like how you worded it all we can all understand the pleasure and trust me you're not a horrible person most people have saught some small victory like at some point in life we're not saints esp when our hearts are hurting you're still good.

[Brown-Eyez]

try to stop hating yourself

you just got yourself really hurt all over again

but you learned from it!!

 

your anger is good cuz maybe now you can truly let her go!

[Frank13]

So did she have actualnsex with and kiss Chris, or only in the sense of the online roll playing?

[thishatteredsymphony]

He said they did online roleplay and had actual sex too.

[Frank13]

Oh man I am so sorry. Don't be too hard on yourself. Sure it wasn't the best thing to do, but you did get some satisfaction out of it. It doesn't sound like she had much consideration for you. Emotions can make you do crazy things.

 

Will she realize you had something to do with her account getting deleted?

 

I also wonder about Chris's motives for telling you. He says he did so because he felt guilty, but i don't know about that. Why feel guilty if he doesn't even really know you, and why now?

[thishatteredsymphony]

Oh man I am so sorry. Don't be too hard on yourself. Sure it wasn't the best thing to do, but you did get some satisfaction out of it. It doesn't sound like she had much consideration for you. Emotions can make you do crazy things.

 

Will she realize you had something to do with her account getting deleted?

 

I also wonder about Chris's motives for telling you. He says he did so because he felt guilty, but i don't know about that. Why feel guilty if he doesn't even really know you, and why now?

 

Honestly, I agree. I somewhat called him out on that and asked why he's telling me this now, but he hasn't responded yet.

[Frank13]

Honestly, I agree. I somewhat called him out on that and asked why he's telling me this now, but he hasn't responded yet.

 

Keep us updated. Maybe your ex put him up to this, but don't know why. Maybe he wants her and is mad she is with the other guy.

 

I also wonder if you are going to hear from your ex over the deleting of the YouTube account. If she is going to know it was you.

 

Part of me says deleting her account was not good. Another part of me says "score one for the good guys". She just didn't break up with you. She cheated on you with multiple guys. I can't really say I feel bad for her for what you did.

Edited October 4, 2013 by Frank13

[thishatteredsymphony]

Keep us updated. Maybe your ex put him up to this, but don't know why. Maybe he wants her and is mad she is with the other guy.

 

I also wonder if you are going to hear from your ex over the deleting of the YouTube account. If she is going to know it was you.

 

Part of me says deleting her account was not good. Another part of me says "score one for the good guys". She just didn't break up with you. She cheated on you with multiple guys. I can't really say I feel bad for her for what you did.

 

Oh I know deleting it was not good. Yes, she put a lot of hard work into it and doing it was ultimately wrong. I'm not feeling nearly as bad as I did this morning. The But that's the thing. I do NOT feel bad for her. Not in the least bit. My concern is more selfish in terms of "Man... Kevin, this isn't you, don't ever stoop that low again."

[Still-I-Rise]

Good for you -- not so good for you.

 

I'm glad you recognize the error of your way but you are human and it isn't easy to sit back and allow people to just stomp all over you.

 

I wish I could do something similar.

[thishatteredsymphony]

Keep us updated. Maybe your ex put him up to this, but don't know why. Maybe he wants her and is mad she is with the other guy.

 

I also wonder if you are going to hear from your ex over the deleting of the YouTube account. If she is going to know it was you.

 

Part of me says deleting her account was not good. Another part of me says "score one for the good guys". She just didn't break up with you. She cheated on you with multiple guys. I can't really say I feel bad for her for what you did.

 

He responded. You appear to be right -- seems Chris has had a thing for my ex for a long time and it always bothered him she would do things with him but never actually be his girlfriend or return his feelings. So... he feels like she's also been using him. But then I think it's sad he let her use him like that.

 

Holy **** man... this entire situation is so sad. I dodged a massive bullet here!