He told her he loves me

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Rae I have been where you are. In hindsight after my XMM's wife found out the first time I wish we would have all sat down and told my husband together - it would have still most likely resulted in the same thing, but we might have been able to avoid a big explosion. She wanted it to remain silent. So the secret stayed between the 3 of us for 4 more months and of course there was the final dday when my husband found out.

 

We all were very close - vacationed together, went to church together, hung out at each others houses, etc.

 

But here is the thing - she suspected for a long time before that - even before anything was spoken between us about our attraction for each other and long before anything physical. She had been reading our emails for about a year and a half. My gut tells me that your mom's wife already suspects it's physical - she just isn't ready to face it.

 

This will not end well. Of course I could be wrong, but I really doubt it. My prediction is that in the end, she will want to save her marriage and your mom will end up trying to do just that. You will be thrown under the bus. You will not recognize this man that you have fallen in love with.

 

Brace yourself for the fallout and for the loss of friendship. It will be painful. But I recommend coming clean immediately. Good luck.

[PhoenixRise]

 

I know that when my exH had an affair, I was more hurt by the fact that he loved someone else than anything else. So, I'm sure she is hurting right now. Hopefully she isn't one of those people who has to make everyone else miserable bc she is hurting and unable to self soothe, but she may be - I would try to be prepared for that possibility as much as possible. I also know that when my exMM expressed to his ex wife that he was in love with me that she was also very hurt, but she reacted much as I did with my husband and that was to finally let go of something that she knew (and I knew with my exH) just wasn't working. Sometimes, people are holding on for all of the wrong reasons and just need a really big dose of reality to realize that and get the motivation to let it go and stop beating the dead horse - it's like they finally realize that it is dead and are able to come to terms with that.

 

Well yes. Lets all hope the BS is able to self soothe when she finds out that her best friend, who has advised her in the past about MM possibly cheating (with someone else) and the person she confides all her marital woes to, is in fact actually the one who is having sex with her husband. Yes the BS should absolutely self soothe.....

 

But if it was me, and my so called best friend did what this OP is doing, self soothing would not even be an option...not for a good long while. Somebody would need to hit me with a tranquilizer dart. And you know what? That would be an absolutely natural, normal, and warranted response under the circumstances.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Also you might be surprised at how your husband reacts. Yes he will be angry, but he may very well loved you enough to want to reconcile as well. My husband always thought he couldn't forgive infidelity either, but you really don't know what your reaction will be until you are actually in it.

[2sunny]

Her reaction doesn't appear to be suggesting any change in their M.

 

He may have admitted to loving you - but nothing was suggested that indicates she intends to leave him.

[rae_lana]

Her reaction doesn't appear to be suggesting any change in their M.

 

He may have admitted to loving you - but nothing was suggested that indicates she intends to leave him.

 

No she doesn't intend to leave him at all, she is really mad at him and says he's trying to mess up our friendship.

 

No, my husband would not agree to reconcile, I know that for sure because the time line of this and the situation is just very messed up.

[lindsay1990]

I really wish you luck as you sound a bit more sincere (or maybe just more self-aware?) about what's going on than many other WSs I've read.

 

Your friend, the BW is "mad at him for trying to ruin your friendship"? This blows me away. I think this is the most in denial thing I have ever heard.

 

I really don't have much advice for this situation at this point, but this just really makes me happy about breaking up with my ex who had a best woman friend, who was also married to his close friend, and I always felt he fancied her more than normal, bordering on admiration and that eventually it would materialize in either she or me. I always felt they had more of an EA than he ever let on. Glad I got out because who knows if something like this would have been in my future. I do not mean to judge you, it's just been somewhat of a revelation to see how these affections can spiral out of control without the parties setting out to hurt anyone.

 

I agree though with other posters that this guy has no idea what he is doing and, to be pessimistic and think the worst: if he says it to his own wife, what makes you think he won't go to your husband in some deluded state and let this out? Act fast.

[rae_lana]

I realize why most people are quick to believe this guy would throw me under the bus and try to save his marriage, it's natural to assume that because even I did for a long time. I just don't think that's what he wants anymore. He's the one trying to say lets tell them and end our marriages.. Not me.

 

They haven't had sex in 4 months.. And she sees nothing wrong with that, she won't kiss him and yes.. She is probably rightfully guarded because of her feelings, but their marriage has been like that the entire time. They are good friends and co parents, no sexual side much at all.. so yes.. He loves her.. But he also has a lot more in common with me, as well as the friendship and the sexual chemistry and we both agree on almost everything.. So I get why he thinks we should try and be together.. But I just don't get how our lives would be anything but insane drama after this all came out..

 

How could we just live and be normal after this?

[rae_lana]

I really wish you luck as you sound a bit more sincere (or maybe just more self-aware?) about what's going on than many other WSs I've read.

 

Your friend, the BW is "mad at him for trying to ruin your friendship"? This blows me away. I think this is the most in denial thing I have ever heard.

 

I really don't have much advice for this situation at this point, but this just really makes me happy about breaking up with my ex who had a best woman friend, who was also married to his close friend, and I always felt he fancied her more than normal, bordering on admiration and that eventually it would materialize in either she or me. I always felt they had more of an EA than he ever let on. Glad I got out because who knows if something like this would have been in my future. I do not mean to judge you, it's just been somewhat of a revelation to see how these affections can spiral out of control without the parties setting out to hurt anyone.

 

I agree though with other posters that this guy has no idea what he is doing and, to be pessimistic and think the worst: if he says it to his own wife, what makes you think he won't go to your husband in some deluded state and let this out? Act fast.

 

Exactly. We are supposed to spend the weekend all together.. I can just imagine either her or him drinking too much and saying something in front of my husband and him losing it completely.. He's very jealous anyway but just would never think I would do this.

 

I'm guessing we will try and tell them something tonight or tomorrow, I just don't know what.

 

OM AND his wife are separately texting me non stop today, her mostly excited about the weekend and angry at him, and him trying to tell me he'll make me happy and saying it'll all be fine. It's not at all fine.

[velvette]

Exactly. We are supposed to spend the weekend all together.. I can just imagine either her or him drinking too much and saying something in front of my husband and him losing it completely.. He's very jealous anyway but just would never think I would do this.

 

I'm guessing we will try and tell them something tonight or tomorrow, I just don't know what.

 

OM AND his wife are separately texting me non stop today, her mostly excited about the weekend and angry at him, and him trying to tell me he'll make me happy and saying it'll all be fine. It's not at all fine.

 

Can you not see that there is something very wrong with this man?

[rae_lana]

Can you not see that there is something very wrong with this man?

 

What's wrong with him that isn't just as wrong in me?

I'm doing the same things he has.

 

He says in the end we'll be happy, I just don't know that I believe that at all. Because I want nothing more than to be with him but not at the expense of everyone else.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Good luck - not a weekend I would look forward to.

[AlwaysGrowing]

What's wrong with him that isn't just as wrong in me?

I'm doing the same things he has.

 

He says in the end we'll be happy, I just don't know that I believe that at all. Because I want nothing more than to be with him but not at the expense of everyone else.

 

That ship has sailed.

 

What you are left with is:

NOT creating anymore situations that the BS's will view as another huge FU at their expense.

Or.

Creating more events/get togethers/texts/BBQ for them to look back on.

 

The choice is yours.

[lindsay1990]

Good luck - not a weekend I would look forward to.

 

Their behaviour strikes me as bizarre. Do you really trust these people? I mean, it's just so strange. What if she demanded he "get rid of you" or something, and possibly be playing dumb/pretending to not take him seriously/blame him... and he is playing along to get you to lower your guard and come after all? At the very least, what if they are just trying to boycott with your husband. For example, what if he actually painted you as the crazy one and they want to "out" you?

 

Anything is possible. I'm sorry, I'm generally not this alarmist but to me their behaviours are a HUGE RED FLAG. Crazier things have happened. Better to be safe than sorry. And on that note, maybe you should stop considering telling "them" together, and tell your husband yourself - and away from them.

 

Again sorry if this is too alarming, feel free to delete mods or LSs tell me I'm crazy and to settle down. I just find their behaviour unsettling, specially the BW's.

[lollipopspot]

I wouldn't go into this event and do some disclosure together without some plan about what you wish to happen, for all of you. What's the point of blowing up everyone's life - what's the end goal for everyone here?

[velvette]

What's wrong with him that isn't just as wrong in me?

I'm doing the same things he has.

 

He says in the end we'll be happy, I just don't know that I believe that at all. Because I want nothing more than to be with him but not at the expense of everyone else.

 

 

Yeah cause with all your issues, what you need is someone just like you??!!??

 

I guess with all this drama you haven't had time to see a counselor. Don't you think its time?

[HopingAgain]

Am I the only one that sees some potential for violence here? I mean seriously there are some very huge and inflammatory risks being taken here. I think OM is a loose cannon and truthfully he sounds capable of anything. Then who knows if his BS will snap once she knows her trusted friend has been sleeping with her husband all along, even after she told Rae she trusted her? And of course then there's Rae's husband and his possible reaction....

 

I hope it doesn't come to that. Especially for the Betrayed Spouses and the kids sakes, but whatever happens is going to be explosive and the OM in this situation is on a crash collision to disaster. It seems like he WANTS things to escalate in a destructive manner and that is scary.

[lindsay1990]

Am I the only one that sees some potential for violence here? I mean seriously there are some very huge and inflammatory risks being taken here. I think OM is a loose cannon and truthfully he sounds capable of anything. Then who knows if his BS will snap once she knows her trusted friend has been sleeping with her husband all along, even after she told Rae she trusted her? And of course then there's Rae's husband and his possible reaction....

 

This. When I said "get rid of you" in my previous post I mean "kill you". Or in any case, as HopingAgain says: violence.

[BrokenPrincess]

This is all that needs to be said about you.

 

Now, your 'friend' is going to just about die when she finds out. She is probably going to need serious mental help just to hold it together. The fact that she told you, and then said she trusted you, and all the while you were screwing her husband, well that's about the cruelest thing I've ever heard or read. Seriously, for her sake, stop talking to her now. If you won't come clean, don't leave her with the insane-making conversations like the one you had last night. Just don't. She will replay them in her head over 1,000 times. They will haunt her for years.

 

If you have a decent bone in your body, stop talking to her.

 

This times 1,000. Spot on. I feel like the conversation is haunting ME and I don't even know any of you, much less have the absolute misfortune to call you my best friend.

[RainDown]

Am I the only one that sees some potential for violence here? I mean seriously there are some very huge and inflammatory risks being taken here. I think OM is a loose cannon and truthfully he sounds capable of anything. Then who knows if his BS will snap once she knows her trusted friend has been sleeping with her husband all along, even after she told Rae she trusted her? And of course then there's Rae's husband and his possible reaction....

 

I hope it doesn't come to that. Especially for the Betrayed Spouses and the kids sakes, but whatever happens is going to be explosive and the OM in this situation is on a crash collision to disaster. It seems like he WANTS things to escalate in a destructive manner and that is scary.

 

Yes, I see the potential for all kinds of craziness to ensue in this situation, some of it potentially violent. I think both the MOM's wife and the MOW's husband are both going to go nuclear when they find out MOM and MOW have been having an affair right under their noses. Things like that tend to royally p*ss people off. And they WILL find out because MOM is apparently bent on self-destruction, not to mention stupidly impulsive.

 

This is a bad scene.

[The Way I Am]

Rae, I feel very sorry for your friend right now. She thinks she has a good friend to lean on, and you think you're able to be impartial about your relationship with her and that you're being a good friend by not taking bad about her relationship.

 

But sadly, at the point where her husband told him he's in love with her friend, a good friend would have encouraged her to either work on her marriage or get a divorce. All you can do is tell her that she's "good enough".

 

You don't want to seem like you want her husband (and you don't want him free of her to be with someone else), so you don't encourage her to end the relationship. You don't want them to have a healthy relationship, because you're in love with her H, so you don't encourage her to get counseling. You offer her no support to help make her life better. Just platitudes. You're not a good friend.

Edited October 5, 2013 by The Way I Am

[ForeverHopeful1]

He's not really acting like a loose cannon he seems so calm and collected about it right now. He thinks we can tell them we have feelings for each other and leave out that we've been having an affair.

 

She's been saying he's obsessed with me for over a year, he said that she said it again after I left and so he said, I'm not obsessed with her, I'm in love with her.

 

She's furious with him right now, but not in the way you would expect. She's mad at him for making me uncomfortable and mad that this might affect our group friendship because she knows what my husbands like.

 

And yes.. I've been in contact with both him and her this morning. I do think its time to tell my husband but I don't exactly know what to tell.

 

Oh my. Please be honest with her. If hes in love with you and is willing to tell her that, why wont he saying you're in an affair and hes in love with you? He isnt being honest with her. Hes giving her the trickle truth and youre consoling her and playing the victim she thinks you are. Your bestfriend deserves more from you. Shes coming to you for comfort and youre gonna just blow her world up. Its time to rip the bandage off. It's gonna hurt but it must be done. You both love your partners, but not enough, so leave them and be happy together.

[Scott Thomas]

Dear Rae,

 

You've been warned before. You ignored all advice and got yourself in a real mess. I do not know you and quite frankly, will not be affected by whatever happens in your life. However, for your children's sake, who deserve a sane mother, please stop digging your own grave!Quite frankly, your entire story could easily fit the plot of a soap opera. These are harsh words, but these harsh words will stop you from ruining your own life.

 

What do you want? Marriage or Divorce? If you love your affair-partner then divorce your spouses and start your own relationship openly. The OM has been leading you own; only time will tell if I am wrong but you my dear, shall suffer tremendously if I am right. The way your affair partner is acting, it's only a matter of time before the affair is discovered. If your friend ends up chasing you around with a frying pan in her hand, could you really blame her? If your husband kicks you out and your children's lives are destroyed, could you blame anyone else except yourself? Should I expect you to return next week with a post about the affair's discovery, your husband leaving you, the friend despising you for what you did and you feeling suicidal? Because trust me, that will happen when the affair is discovered by your husband/friend.

 

I would advise you to confess to your husband, end the affair and then work on your marriage. If you're searching for the opportune moment to act, this is it. Go over to the infidelity section and read Sophie's thread. She had an affair, was discovered by a mere coincidence and is now facing a divorce. Do not repeat her mistake! Everything you've described can be fixed if you act pre-emptively (I've started a thread about this book that explains your situation-Women's Infidelity by Michelle Langeley).

 

Stop acting like a 18 year old teenager. This is real life and our actions have consequences. Your actions will ruin your children's lives. You can act to mitigate the pain and work on reconciliation if you love your husband. Some posters have pointed out that you will never act on this, and they're right; so far you seem content on building your own Armageddon!

Edited October 5, 2013 by Scott Thomas

[Leaving]

If u 2 love each then get it out in the open and be together....instead of dragging your poor husband along

[shortee]

Why don't you come clean and tell your husband? You already said you don't love your husband and don't want to be married to him. So what's the problem? Let him go and let him find someone who will love him and be good to him. Why do you continue to lie to him and cheat on him. Let him go so he can find someone else. There is no excuse for what you are doing to him. Just leave him.

[Scott Thomas]

Why don't you come clean and tell your husband? You already said you don't love your husband and don't want to be married to him. So what's the problem? Let him go and let him find someone who will love him and be good to him. Why do you continue to lie to him and cheat on him. Let him go so he can find someone else. There is no excuse for what you are doing to him. Just leave him.

 

No, she feels content. You'll be better off by ordering and shipping a shovel at her address. She's appear quite content on digging her own grave. For her children's sake, I hope their grandparents step forward and help them when the consequences of their mother's affair destroy their lives.