He told her he loves me

[rae_lana]

She wasn't aware of any of the cheating except for the one time before they were married, and he had been the one to confess that one night stand to her, and she at least twice caught him texting girls, but not cheating other than the texting happened. There was also a rumour of a one night stand he had had, which I was the one to tell her about but she refused to address it.

That had nothing to do with why their marriage was sexless, it was like that because she was grosses out by kissing and didn't enjoy sex much at all.. And would frequently tell him he was gross and to 'take care of himself.'

 

I know that from HER. He never told me most of that.

 

I don't think I've properly explained and I'm not sure how I even would.. That the reason we both strayed sexually was because we felt our personalities oppressed by our spouses and judgment for desires by anyone we tried to talk to about them.. The same thing that's happening here. It's almost like.. You tell someone something or how you feel and they say "you're a ****ing slut!" Or a freak.. And tell you that nobody else would feel the same way.. And like a rebellious kid you seek out to prove that's wrong.

 

Not saying that's not messed up, I know it is and I need to learn to cope with life without resorting to that kind of behaviour and so does he.

 

Not saying our spouses are at fault for what happened.. We were still the ones who lied and cheated.

 

But he's not even interested in sex with anyone but me right now, what he's interested in is being able to discuss it freely without being made feel like a freak. I want that too.

Edited October 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted post quote deleted.

[tinktronik]

Would you stay happy in a virtually sexless marriage? Cheating off the table.. Because regardless if it was sexless or not I get that's wrong and he feels it was too.

 

No, I would go to therapy with my spouse and figure out what was going on. And if there was no resolution I would figure out what was acceptable to me personally in a relationship.

 

I have lived in a sexless relationship, BTW. I have also cheated, though I'm not particularly proud of it. It wasn't my spouses fault I cheated, it was a choice I made. I also choose to stay in a situation that wasn't working for me for a variety of reasons.

 

But I must say to start screwing my spouses best friend, no way. It so obviously on it's face is just a matter of convenience. I mean really, think about it Rae. You're already there, right in his house. He didn't even have to go out into the world to find his "strange", his own wife brought it right to him. He's experienced in how to get women to feel sorry and connected to him, so he just turned it right on and BAM built in strange. It's really low ball and just lame. It strikes me as ridiculously lazy.

 

I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings Rae but you need desperately to get yourself to a place where you can see clearly what is going on before you land yourself into much more hurt, and damage those around you even more.

[rae_lana]

And here is where you're most gravely mistaken.

 

Physical intimacy begets emotional intimacy.

 

Emotional intimacy begets physical intimacy.

 

This is why so many "FWB" type affairs end up where one or the other participant 'falls in love' with their FWB partner. And it's why so many "EA only" relationships inevitably end up being both EA and PA.

 

It's why so many 'open' marriages cannot be sustained in that fashion long term. One partner ends up falling in love with someone outside of the marriage...or the other partner FEARS that this may happen (because it is a common outcome).

 

You cannot simply segragate the two. It just doesn't work that way.

 

You weren't 'physically' compatible with your H, and it was a factor in what led to your EMOTIONAL detachment as well. When someone EMOTIONALLY detaches, they also tend to stop being physical as well.

 

Think I'm wrong?

 

Tell MOM no more physical contact with him for the next six months. No ribald comments, no flirting, and NO physical contacts. Just be totally, completely, utterly "love" only.

 

See where you're at.

 

Prove me wrong.

 

I know exactly what you are saying.

 

I guess I feel I feel in love with the emotional side because the friendship had been for years before and I had basically fallen in love with him before I ever knew he felt that way about me and before we ever started an affair emotionally or physically.

 

I emotionally disconnected from my husband but we never once stopped having sex. Even after having kids ever went more than 2 weeks without And average was at least 5 times a week and I'm not just saying that. But he would make me feel like **** afterwards, I don't feel like getting in to that.

 

And telling OM to wait 6 months before anything physical again, I think he'd do it but have a hard time with it and so would I. I completely get that.

 

I have at no point said this man is my soul mate. I don't even believe their are soul mates.. But he's about the closest thing I've ever met to one.

 

We honestly don't even have to talk to know what the other is thinking most of the time and we are both grieving for the loss of our families right now.

[stillafool]

What ever the reasons Rae and OM want to be together so be it. I think you both are just alike, both are equally to blame and neither of you are any better than the other one. At least you have now confessed to your husband and ex best friend about the affair. Correct? They both know the two of you are in love with each other and have been seeing each other behind their backs. Correct? Why is she staying at her family's home instead of kicking him out of the house? Does she have a job to go to? Why are you staying in your house instead of moving with OM? Can you afford your house on your own? Why is your husband giving up his house and moving somewhere else? If you two want to be together why aren't you together if everything is out in the open?

[rae_lana]

The worst part of cheating and affairs is the lies.. Not the sex.

 

Who somebody's attracted to who they want to have sex with says nothing about who they are as a person. I think everybody can agree sex with somebody that you love and have an emotional connection to is a lot better than random sex with anyone..

 

But the actual reality is, Sexual organs and nerve endings that give us pleasure can be stimulated by anyone.. man or woman or if you're by yourself.

 

You do not have to love somebody to be able to enjoy a sexual experience with them. Your body will still respond. That doesn't mean your mind will.. so obviously some people do not have sex with people that they don't love.. and they don't understand how you would be able to enjoy yourself without an emotional connection.

 

I just don't get how people think it must be the same for everyone. To me sex is a fun thing that you do when you want to do it, with whoever you feel like doing it at that time.

 

Emotional connection and relationship are separate from sex to me.. But a sexual relationship between the two people in the relationship would enhance the relationship because of the emotional aspect....

 

I have no idea how to explain how my brain works but I really don't think it that hard to understand.

Edited October 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted posting redacted.

[HopingAgain]

What ever the reasons Rae and OM want to be together so be it. I think you both are just alike, both are equally to blame and neither of you are any better than the other one. At least you have now confessed to your husband and ex best friend about the affair. Correct? They both know the two of you are in love with each other and have been seeing each other behind their backs. Correct? Why is she staying at her family's home instead of kicking him out of the house? Does she have a job to go to? Why are you staying in your house instead of moving with OM? Can you afford your house on your own? Why is your husband giving up his house and moving somewhere else? If you two want to be together why aren't you together if everything is out in the open?

 

I agree with this. As much pain as the BSs must be in right now, excruciating pain...I am relieved for them because now they can get on a road to living a life where they can be around people who are actually trustworthy. I just hope that eventually they will be able to trust anyone again, because not all people who have dealt with double betrayal can.

 

As for Rae and OM, it is not saying lightly that theirs is a match made in Hell. There will be devastating consequences for Rae most likely, not so much the OM, because he knows exactly what he's doing and why. He'll likely drain Rae dry and move on to his next victim.

[rae_lana]

To be clear, sex with anyone you want at that time if its safe and consenting.

 

And although I wanted to know I could do that if I wanted.. There was only one other man other than my husband that I wanted to in a decade.

[tinktronik]

What ever the reasons Rae and OM want to be together so be it. I think you both are just alike, both are equally to blame and neither of you are any better than the other one. At least you have now confessed to your husband and ex best friend about the affair. Correct? They both know the two of you are in love with each other and have been seeing each other behind their backs. Correct? Why is she staying at her family's home instead of kicking him out of the house? Does she have a job to go to? Why are you staying in your house instead of moving with OM? Can you afford your house on your own? Why is your husband giving up his house and moving somewhere else? If you two want to be together why aren't you together if everything is out in the open?

I don't get this eaither. Rae you and OM need to move it into a hotel already and stop displacing your spouses and kids. This in itself is a sign of extreme selfishness. Let the kids come home already and take the lumps for your behavior in the form of being displaced yourself. Behave honorably in some way.

[rae_lana]

What ever the reasons Rae and OM want to be together so be it. I think you both are just alike, both are equally to blame and neither of you are any better than the other one. At least you have now confessed to your husband and ex best friend about the affair. Correct? They both know the two of you are in love with each other and have been seeing each other behind their backs. Correct? Why is she staying at her family's home instead of kicking him out of the house? Does she have a job to go to? Why are you staying in your house instead of moving with OM? Can you afford your house on your own? Why is your husband giving up his house and moving somewhere else? If you two want to be together why aren't you together if everything is out in the open?

 

Because I'm not ready to be with anyone. Not even him. I've never been on my own I went directly from a sexually abusive environment to a relationship with my husband where we moved several hours away from my family , and literally.. I do not to talk to one member of my biological family, and haven't since then.

 

My husbands family lives a short distance away in that next town where he already has another house because he works there, he wanted to move out, I did make him. My friends family lives far away as well and she works for herself and can work anywhere, she has no family here and moved here when her relationship with her husband started and she moved into the house he was already living in..

That's why we all are where we are right now. This all only happened the other night.. It's not like I have everything figured out right now.

[HopingAgain]

Because I'm not ready to be with anyone. Not even him. I've never been on my own I went directly from a sexually abusive environment to a relationship with my husband where we moved several hours away from my family , and literally.. I do not to talk to one member of my biological family, and haven't since then.

 

My husbands family lives a short distance away in that next town where he already has another house because he works there, he wanted to move out, I did make him. My friends family lives far away as well and she works for herself and can work anywhere, she has no family here and moved here when her relationship with her husband started and she moved into the house he was already living in..

That's why we all are where we are right now. This all only happened the other night.. It's not like I have everything figured out right now.

 

Rae, please remember one thing. And that is that many times an abusers main tool is ISOLATION.

 

Your OM knew that when you 2 confessed, the confession he basically forced to happen his way, that you would be left with no support from anyone but HIM. This is how abusers operate, by isolating their victims. Once he has you feeling like you have no one else in the world to turn to except for him, that is when he will start to change the way he behaves with you, graudually so that he can groom you to accept the abuse.

 

PLEASE, call a counselor of some sort as soon as possible.

[tinktronik]

Because I'm not ready to be with anyone. Not even him. I've never been on my own I went directly from a sexually abusive environment to a relationship with my husband where we moved several hours away from my family , and literally.. I do not to talk to one member of my biological family, and haven't since then.

 

My husbands family lives a short distance away in that next town where he already has another house because he works there, he wanted to move out, I did make him. My friends family lives far away as well and she works for herself and can work anywhere, she has no family here and moved here when her relationship with her husband started and she moved into the house he was already living in..

That's why we all are where we are right now. This all only happened the other night.. It's not like I have everything figured out right now.

 

Yes, and it's all so convenient for you and OM. But you are not taking into consideration at all that in thinking of this yours and his beforehand you have displaced children from their safe, familiar environments. Children trumps adult.

[rae_lana]

Rae, please remember one thing. And that is that many times an abusers main tool is ISOLATION.

 

Your OM knew that when you 2 confessed, the confession he basically forced to happen his way, that you would be left with no support from anyone but HIM. This is how abusers operate, by isolating their victims. Once he has you feeling like you have no one else in the world to turn to except for him, that is when he will start to change the way he behaves with you, graudually so that he can groom you to accept the abuse.

 

PLEASE, call a counselor of some sort as soon as possible.

 

I have one other friend who will be by my side for this.. But literally no one else but OM right now for sure.

 

I have an appointment with a lady Friday. OM has one already for Thursday.

 

Also.. I have had my kids back since yesterday. People should probably realize that I'm still a parent first, and always have been first, that's what I am day in and day out. My husband does not want primary custody in any way, and will again and already has threaten me with taking them from time to time to hurt me, but he will not seek full custody because he's never clipped tiny nails of packed a lunch let alone considered being a full time single dad.

[HopingAgain]

I have one other friend who will be by my side for this.. But literally no one else but OM right now for sure.

 

I have an appointment with a lady Friday. OM has one already for Thursday.

 

Also.. I have had my kids back since yesterday. People should probably realize that I'm still a parent first, and always have been first, that's what I am day in and day out. My husband does not want primary custody in any way, and will again and already has threaten me with taking them from time to time to hurt me, but he will not seek full custody because he's never clipped tiny nails of packed a lunch let alone considered being a full time single dad.

 

Good to hear that you have an appointment with a counselor soon. Please be as open with him/her as you have been with us here.

 

Also, don't share the details of your counseling with OM aside from vague generalities. You need a safe confidant, especially since OM knows you post here now.

[rae_lana]

Nobody displaced anyone from their homes .. They wanted to leave. He took the kids for the first two days and then his mom brought them back because this is their home and the go to preschool and daycare here... This will be their primary home that's the one things everyone knew from the start.

 

My kids know OM very very well. So ya.. There is no way I would just move in with him. It is going to be confusing enough that we won't see my friend and him together because my kids saw them almost every day.. My husband has always worked in the next town over, so they won't even notice he's not him much since he never way during the week, until after they were in bed.. But they'll notice weekend without us together and family time and I don't know how soon they'll pick up on it but I am aware I messed up and caused it.

 

6 months. I asked that OM not be seen with me by my kids for at least that time. And we'll both go to IC in that time and see what happens I guess.

 

I begged my husband to do martial counselling. For years, and several times during the affair as well. I do understand its important to work on all that's messed up in my head.

Edited October 8, 2013 by rae_lana

[Scott Thomas]

I do not believe that having sex with someone else means you don't love your partner. It doesn't mean that at all.

 

Would you define your definition of love.

 

Anyway, I think your Husband is lucky that you cheated and want a divorce. In the long run, this will be better for him. He'll be free to pursue his dreams.

 

Whatever happens, stay strong for your kids.

[jlola]

Being Bi sexual confirmed in your mind that someone you've never met is a sociopath?

 

 

.

 

Oh girl, that is not what I was judging him by. There were so many BAD parts of his personality that I do not know where to start. You even admit yourself he is

broken" I am not the only person to state something is wrong with him and you need to watch out.

 

I have nothing against bisexuality when the person is of good character. This man does not have good character. But bad character added to bisexuality is very common for sociopaths. this is why IF( most sociopaths are not criminals) they do go to jail, they have no problem being with men no matter how "macho" they are. They are sort of "pan sexual" meaning they will have sex with whoever.

 

Many red flags with this man!!!

[jlola]

How sociopath target their "victims"

I think sociopath do tend to go for a particular type of victim, or at least a certain susceptibility to their "charms." A typical target would be someone the sociopath feels like he can dominate, or where he can tell there is some wound, some "damage" that he can stick his finger in and play with. Being with damaged people is good for socios in two ways: (1) the playing, and (2) the damaged person expects other people to be damaged as well, so socios don't have to do as good a job of keeping up appearances, i.e. can be more of their unapologetic selves.

[jlola]

! OP - him being bisexual does NOT make him a sociopath. I can't even believe that I'm actually reading that?! Please, research some other sources, and do not use the responses that you are getting here as truth - some are simply and absolutely wrong about what they are saying here.

 

I'm sorry that you and he have had such a rough go and that you aren't getting a lot of support here regarding your OP. It sounded to me like you are doing the right thing for you and your children right now, and that's the most important thing. The two men involved, your H and AP, are adults and will have to sort themselves out without your help and guidance - and that's okay, they are grown, they should be quite capable of doing so. In the meantime, you have children that you need to consider (and I know you are considering them from what you have written).

 

Please know that you are being heard here - obviously not by all, but by some. You know who you are and what you are about and you know BETTER than anyone here. I trust your judgment that you are doing the best thing for you and your children right now. Please hang in there and disregard any postings here that you find accusatory, judgmental, or unhelpful.

 

Please read the whole thread. NEVER did I say him JUST being bisexual made him a sociopath! I said there were lots of actions on his character that led to the conclusion. Many posters and even Rae L called him "broken". I said bad character and the bisexuality TOGETHER is a big sign.

 

Many sociopaths are pansexual. This is why the macho men go to jain and think nothing of having sex with another man! His "charm" his "we are alike" his cheating" ", his "love bombing" his boldness at sex texting her while he and her husband are in close proximity' , his disrespect is not normal. His lack of empathy for his "friend" and wife astounding!!!

 

Normal people do not behave this way. At least not in my world! But I guess in others world "normal" people lack respect, lack empathy, lack of basic humanity and respect for a friend and cheating is a-ok. they are just great folks. Don't listen to nobody since they do not know this man. They are just judging him by his actions and the contents of his character. Shame on them!

 

I am sure if this man put up his "real self" on a dating website noone would respond to this crazy profile. Noone "normal" anyway!!!

[jlola]

There is absolutely NO correlation between being bisexual and being a sociopath. NONE. To insinuate some kind of correlation is at best, ignorant, at worst, purposely bigoted and ignorant.

 

If you wanted to point to his possibility of being a sociopath, you should stick to things that actually correlate. Sexuality does NOT, please don't be dishonest and say that it does.

 

OP - please speak to your counselor about these things. I am simply asking that you get some educated information - as I'm sure you're aware, anyone and their brother can post here - and they could be providing you erroneous information. Please just consider that - I am worried about your well being and want you to have FACTS so that you can make an informed decision about your next steps.

 

Sociopath World

 

HomePortrait of a sociopathFrequently asked questionsContactForumBook

SATURDAY, APRIL 20, 2013

Q&As (part 4)

 

(last one)

You believe that ambiguous sexuality is one of the best identifying traits of a sociopath, relying on it more than any other one trait to form your own opinion about who is and isn’t a sociopath. Why?

 

For whatever reason there are sociopath “wannabes” out there. They tell their stories to highlight how cold they are. I frequently use ambiguous sexuality as a litmus test with these types to determine whether or not they are legitimate. If they freak out at the mere suggestion, as so many “normal” men do, I usually conclude they’re poseurs. A sociopath would not find their ego threatened by the suggestion that they are gay; in fact, that might be one of the least offensive things a true sociopath would ever be accused of in his life! They don’t have a strong identity of being straight, and don’t share the common moral assumption that homosexuality is sin.

 

Sociopath World: Q&As (part 4)

 

Sociopath World: Sexuality and sociopathy

 

http://www.lovefraud.com/2008/02/04/sociopaths-and-sex-neither-straight-nor-gay/

 

Finally! Sociopaths & Sex-Great article! (girlfriend, long-term, women, love) - Dating, marriage, boyfriends, girlfriends, men, women, friends, attraction ... - City-Data Forum

 

I have NOTHING against bisexuality or homosexuality so please do not try to use that. I am simply pointing out a cluster of behaviors that are common is Socio's. I can also tell you in reading a lot of forums and discussion groups the propensity for charm, lack of empathy,love bombing,manipulation,cheating and bisexuality seems to be an amazing cocktail with so many people on these forums being shocked when they discussed their sociopaths bisexual behaviors. they seem to all go by script!

 

When someone mentions being bisexual a majority of people say that was M.O. for their sociopath also. "Sociopath World" is run by a sociopath and most of the sociopaths will admit to being "pansexual". they get off on sex. It does not matter the gender or age of the partner.

Edited October 8, 2013 by jlola

[jlola]

TUESDAY, AUG 16, 2011 08:20 PM EDT

A bisexual sociopath wrecked my life

He was entrancing, charming and diabolical. Now I'm devastated. How do I recover?

BY CARY TENNIS

 

A bisexual sociopath wrecked my life - Salon.com

 

Obviously there is nothing wrong with bisexuality or gay/lesbian folks.

 

However, many sociopaths are bisexual in a different manner. They simply seek sex, excitement, and domination.

 

Some of these folks can also go without sex a long time just like Lana's OM.

 

 

I am also worried about Lana moving in with this OM. I assume Lana can take care of herself, but I worry about the children.

 

 

Yes, they may forgo sex for a long time. It frustrates the person they are with at times. It is all about control. I have also read many time they are so deviant, their wives eventually may not want to have sex with them , but they will never acknowledge it is their sickness that drives spouse away. Also they do love to triangulate.

[William]

As the last page or so of postings leave me puzzled regarding relevance to the original topic, as well as having been reported and noting some prior moderation activities here, I'll add this to the list of threads for us to process for conformance. Thanks for your participation. Closed for now.