He told her he loves me

[ComingInHot]

rae wrote, " Nobody's gong to want anything to do with me anyway."

 

Raelee, do you think this line of reasoning is what has been an underlying issue w/you for a very long time?

 

It reads of something that could cause a-lot of problems/choices, thinking this way, and while trying to "ensure" that feeling doesn't rear it's ugly head, end up in exactly that scenario (in feeling that way More so).

 

Truth is Rae, there will always be someone who cares about you. That's why you have the power to hurt them so.

 

I say face Yourself, deal w/Yourself so that you can face the consequences of your actions in an HONEST & healthy way so as not to become or end up being the very thing you fear*

[rae_lana]

Everyone else has pretty much said it all. But I will add that you need to stop acting so rekomorseful and apologetic towards your friend. You know that you still have every intention of running off with her husband. So at least have the balls to let her know you are her adversary and still wanting to snatch her husband from under her nose!

 

She already knows he wants us to be together, and she knows that's what I ultimately want too. She knows. She's still more upset with him and has not stopped contacting me, she's asked a lot of questions and we've talked on the phone.. I don't think this situation should be dealt with by texting because nobody can see or hear who they are talking to.. I do feel it will mess with our heads.

 

I haven't laid out everything that was said the other night, but both of them know the marriages are over.

 

I have not made any decisions about running off with her husband, not at all, I haven't even left my house.

 

I don't know what I'm going to do. But I love him I know I do.

[rae_lana]

This is great! You guys totally, TOTALLY, deserve each other. Sigh. It's always nice to start off a nice, trusting, relationship. To know that you can 100% trust someone to not lie to you... that he will 100% not mess around with your friends, family, or the sexy tweener next door because he loves you and you guys have a hypersex drive that are equal to each other. Even if he is a serial cheater, I am sure he will magically turn around and be faithful to you. Yup, that lifetime of cheating is out the window now!!

 

Congratulations!

 

Every single person he's cheated with he had told his wife he was attracted to before he did. Before they got married he was clear he wanted an open sexual relationship, not an emotional one but for the option for sexual experimentation because of a lot of reasons. I don't feel the need to explain why he wouldn't have a need to lie to me. But he wouldn't need to lie, when he's attracted to someone he tells me, it's being made feel like **** about the feelings that led to his insane resentment of her and he would then seek out to cheat.. I'm not blaming her, he was wrong and he knows he was, they never should have gotten married and did after she faked a pregnancy.. Her own words, she knows that's the reason they got married.

 

They still would have been in a relationship had they not gotten married yes, I know that.

 

I'm not under the illusion that he won't want to ever have sex with other people ..

 

People are different in the company of different people. Not every detail of what's happened has been said here but there is a lot more to it than us wanting to screw each other.. A lot more to it, sex is not even on our minds right now.

Edited October 7, 2013 by rae_lana

[HopingAgain]

Rae, do you even KNOW what you want? Beyond loving your OM, what do you want from a relationship with him?

 

You admit and seem to accept that he'll never be sexually monogamous to you. He also shows signs of being abusive and controlling. Are you ready to sign up fulltime for all of that?

[aliveagain]

When are you telling your children? I will almost guarantee you that they will do what they can to make your life a living hell when they find out your leaving their father for the serial cheater next door. You thought your life was a mess before, I think it's just starting, your about to find out how deep the rabbit hole is. What if they want to stay with their dad, are you prepared to leave them behind?

[Beautiful diamond]

You are going to ruin multiple lives if you don't either divorce you husband or end the affair. Can't you see he will never be yours. Even if you two were married he would cheat on you.

 

Stop being selfish. Think of the innocent victims (your husband, kids, his wife)

[rae_lana]

Yes.. Divorce around that table, I've tried to say that. Everyone knows what's going on, but were spared details because they didn't ask got them and I really don't think any one of you would want to hear or want to say those things to someone you've hurt just to cause more pain? If they ask I'll answer but I'm not going to volunteer those details.

 

Just that it happened at all is enough to end my marriage. And he no longer wants to be married to my friends even if she still wanted to stay which as of now she didn't.

 

I'm not going to jump into a relationship with this guy, I've barely stopped crying and have mostly just been asleep.. Everyone is getting ahead of themselves including him.

 

I accept him exactly as he is.. And him me.. That's what I know now, but right now I'm thinking about my kids.. The other stuff can wait.

 

I am the only person in this who isn't totally alone right now.. I know what I did was terrible and I am very remorseful even if it doesn't seem like that.

[rae_lana]

When are you telling your children? I will almost guarantee you that they will do what they can to make your life a living hell when they find out your leaving their father for the serial cheater next door. You thought your life was a mess before, I think it's just starting, your about to find out how deep the rabbit hole is. What if they want to stay with their dad, are you prepared to leave them behind?

 

My kids are toddlers. Im not leaving their dad for someone else.. The marriage is over and that's not just my choice. I'm very very upset about it right now, I can't eat, I've barely left my room for god sakes.. I feel like I killed someone.. That's what it feels like.. I never wanted to hurt him like this at all.

My other 'kids' not biological are teenagers and yes they'll be upset I'm well aware.. All I can hope is I was there for them enough that they'll forgive me one day.

Edited October 8, 2013 by rae_lana

[rae_lana]

You are in love with a guy that is a serial cheater or at least wants a woman that tolerates his having sex with other women.

 

Is that what you wanted?

 

I am in love with a very flawed person but I love him. There is so much more to him than this.

[rae_lana]

Rae, do you even KNOW what you want? Beyond loving your OM, what do you want from a relationship with him?

 

You admit and seem to accept that he'll never be sexually monogamous to you. He also shows signs of being abusive and controlling. Are you ready to sign up fulltime for all of that?

 

He's not abusive at all and he's completely devastated about all this too. My husband was one of his best friends, and same as me, he may not have been madly in love with his wife but he does love her ..

 

I felt like we were both using them. It was wrong. If he wanted to stay married to her and her to him that would he their decision right now that's not what's happening, I'm trying to just get myself together enough to try and think.

[rae_lana]

I'm going to try and explain what me and my AP consider an open relationship again because it seems like people think he's planning on having sex with a new person every week..

 

If either one of us were attracted to someone else we want to be with someone we would feel free and comfortable with to say that, and if we were attracted enough to want to pursue it, that would be up for discussion. That's it.. Mainly we would both be satisfied enough with just the discussion and never feel the need to do anything more, it's something both of us have wanted for years and something both our spouses were aware we felt.

 

Right now that is so low on my priority list I don't see why it's the main thing people are concerned with but I do understand not everyone feels the same way..

[rae_lana]

But, the end result is going to be hell. The guy is a philandering drug addict who is also a narcissist.

 

This is suicidal!

 

You are in love with how he makes you feel because as a philanderer he knows how to play you. Once the initial novelty wears out you will find yourself in hell.

 

Ok.. I'm not sure how that is how he's come across. He's a hardworking really nice guy.. He has a messed up past. Our lives are very parallel in what we went through, but he had never had an affair before, he had cheated before. 4 one night stands over the course of 8 years or so .. and also he would try and flirt with girls via text a lot with no intention to go further. All that is out in the open with me.

 

He's not a drug addict.

 

In the past we both had issues with addiction and still do but neither of us are drug addicts? We are 28 years old, we come from a small town, work full time, he was helping raise his wife's younger brother and living his life.. The picture painted of him is some crazy sex addict and that's not what makes him up as a whole at all.

[HopingAgain]

I'm going to try and explain what me and my AP consider an open relationship again because it seems like people think he's planning on having sex with a new person every week..

 

If either one of us were attracted to someone else we want to be with someone we would feel free and comfortable with to say that, and if we were attracted enough to want to pursue it, that would be up for discussion. That's it.. Mainly we would both be satisfied enough with just the discussion and never feel the need to do anything more, it's something both of us have wanted for years and something both our spouses were aware we felt.

 

Right now that is so low on my priority list I don't see why it's the main thing people are concerned with but I do understand not everyone feels the same way..

 

Do you really believe that this guy is going to be satisfied with that, though? he got a thrill out of CHEATING. It was the deception, the sneaking that gave him a rush. Do you think that he won't ever do that to you? You said yourself that he told his wife of his urges, but he still cheated on her with women and men. It is really naive for you to think that he won't be the same way with you eventually, or worse. Plus, the day will come when he resents you after reality kicks in and he realizes what all he gave up to be with you, his kids, his wife, his best friend. And I beg to differ that he isn't abusive. Please do some research on emotional abuse and then come back and let us know what you find because almost everything you described about this man indicates that he is very manipulative and emotionally abusive. I fear you are just entering a nightmare that may be extremely difficult from escaping from.

[lollipopspot]

You said yourself that he told his wife of his urges, but he still cheated on her with women and men. It is really naive for you to think that he won't be the same way with you eventually, or worse.

 

I could be wrong, but it sounds like he wants to be polyamorous, and rae lana might be o.k. with that. His wife wasn't. If you've agreed to by polyamorous, it's not cheating if you are with other people. It wouldn't work for me, but it works for some people.

[CrystalCastles]

This "we're damaged so we're meant to be together" crud makes no sense. If one is damaged, they should seek a therapist, not another damaged person.

 

rae_lana, you are completely infatuated with this loser. End of story. This situation is so unhealthy that there's absolutely nothing here that speaks of love. This isn't love. Both you and your loser MM need therapists ASAP.

 

These situations don't have a "happily ever after". Period.

[aliveagain]

Before you make one more mistake, stop everything and go get help, talk to your local and state health officials, talk to your pastor. Do whatever it takes because your in a crisis situation, young children are going to have their lives changed and no one is protecting them because the adults in their lives are making poor decisions. Whatever happened to you at an early age that caused the FOO issues you now have to deal with you are now doing to your young children. Do not listen to any advice coming from your affair partner, he has selfish reasons, take a holiday from him until you decide what is best for you and your children.

[tinktronik]

Before you make one more mistake, stop everything and go get help, talk to your local and state health officials, talk to your pastor. Do whatever it takes because your in a crisis situation, young children are going to have their lives changed and no one is protecting them because the adults in their lives are making poor decisions. Whatever happened to you at an early age that caused the FOO issues you now have to deal with you are now doing to your young children. Do not listen to any advice coming from your affair partner, he has selfish reasons, take a holiday from him until you decide what is best for you and your children.

 

That ^. Rae you sound post after post to have a huge victim complex. Before you make any more steps (that have consequences to everyone but you it seems) you really should seek out a mental health counselor and get a handle on some of the underlying issues that have led your life to the place it is now. I am not saying that because you are an OW to your BF's husband, but because the way you portray yourself here has a bent to it that suggests you are not in a healthy place at all. Before you make any more choices get yourself to a place that's healthier.

[The Way I Am]

Rae, I don't know why everybody's trashing the OM when it's completely irrelevant. I also don't get why people have put your H on a pedestal when he's clearly flawed himself just in different ways.

 

That aside, you've said that you won't be jumping into a relationship with OM. You want time for yourself and to do what's best for your kids. I think those are the right decisions for you. Instead of being torn apart, I think you do finally deserve some props for taking some of the right steps.

[rae_lana]

Rae, I don't know why everybody's trashing the OM when it's completely irrelevant. I also don't get why people have put your H on a pedestal when he's clearly flawed himself just in different ways.

 

That aside, you've said that you won't be jumping into a relationship with OM. You want time for yourself and to do what's best for your kids. I think those are the right decisions for you. Instead of being torn apart, I think you do finally deserve some props for taking some of the right steps.

 

.. If we were listing qualities of my husband and this other man.. There is absolutely nobody who would put my husband on a pedestal over him, Unless his ability to lie easily, and the cheating were brought up.. I get that those are two very big things that need work.. But in all other aspects of life they are both good men but different.

 

My husband is an angry man. He's a good man he works hard he loves me he loves the kids but he very much took me for granted.. It is not all that I was looking for 24 seven attention from him or external validation every second of the day..

 

Really I just craved any attention from him at all that wasnt only sexual.. and I wanted to spend time with him as a friend. Our marriage hasn't been like that for years we got married he expected me to quit my job he disagreed with me wanting to go to school he wanted me to raise kids.. And keep a clean house, have meals cooked for him which is exactly what I did for the last decade. He was very against me having a job and I do anyway but that was always a big fight with us. There is a lot of reasons why this marriage wasn't going to last forever.. I didn't want to believe that, I wanted to make it work because I love him and he's my kids father I didn't have parents who were together growing up and I had a horrible family dynamic I just didn't want that for my kids.

 

I screwed up when I let myself fall out of love with my husband and in love with someone else.

 

This other guy is exactly like me, the flaws he has are the same flaws I have. I am not saying we're starcrossed lovers who need to be together because we are damaged.. But he's been one of my best friends for more than five years and we've been having an affair for year he's been there for me the only time he really freaked me out and did things out of character was in this last month when I tried to end the affair..

 

I'm not saying we should be together because we have the same problems.. But speaking bad about him doesn't make me think badly of him mainly because it sounds like people are describing me.. There is a lot wrong with both of us but they are things that we can deal with.

 

Right now we will stay living in the houses that we are living in, she is moving back to live with family and my husband already has a house he can move into in the next town over with his family lives..

 

My husband is very angry at me lots of name-calling lots of screaming lots of breaking things.. I'm sure everybody's going to jump in and say those are perfectly normal reactions to what happened.. I guess the sad thing is is that is exactly how he acts during almost any fight we've ever had. He's called me a slut for years just because of my sexual preferences so hearing him say it 20 times in a row hurts but it's not new.

 

Both me and this other man are going to seek counseling. It was actually his suggestion that we go to counseling together, Because he does want me to move in with him, he thinks it would be safer is actually very worried about my husband. But we are going to stay living where we are and I'm going to ask that he start counseling to if we really do want to eventually be together..

 

As of this morning I asked if he would give me six months. Not that we won't see each other talk to each other not time we will not going to consider being in a relationship or moving in.. Nothing like that, Right now I'm worried about getting to a place where my husband can at least talk to me so we can figure out what's going on with the kids.

Edited October 8, 2013 by rae_lana

[Scott Thomas]

Dear Rae,

 

I want you to remember the following words.

 

Consilio, quod respuitur, nullum subest auxilium.

This is Latin for: He that will not be counselled cannot be helped.

 

AND

 

 

“We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.”

― Oscar Wilde

 

 

Do whatever you think is right.

Make your children your priority.

Talk with your OM and decide on the kind of relationship you want (monogamous, polyamorous, swinging, non-monogamous etc)

 

If, after a few years, your relationship with your OM breaks down, do not go running back to your (ex) husband. If you regret leaving your husband and want your family back, this will be your burden to carry. Your husband deserves a decent, loyal and honest lady. We only get one shot at life; stop endeavouring on ruining your husband's life.

 

 

Good Luck!

[HopingAgain]

To equate OM to your H you have to take philandering, liar, addiction, narcissism, out of the equation. Otherwise, they are similar.:laugh: You are kidding yourself.

 

 

 

Lana, you are a HUGE black hole for attention and validation and no husband in the universe can validate his wife 24/7. That is why you love OM. As a philanderer OM knows which buttons to push.

 

 

 

 

Yep, he is the most evil man in the planet for wanting his wife to stay at home and take care of the kids, How dare he proposed that?? And he has the audacity to provide for the family, what a creep!!:D:D

 

 

 

 

 

 

The story repeats itself. It is called memes, FOO. You are doing to your kids what your parents did to you. And you are getting together with a man that could be a pedophile for all we know. I hope you protect your children.

 

 

Please google memes.

 

 

 

 

Please read this:

 

The OM combination with a woman (married or single) with low self esteem is a match made in heaven. It sounds like a great romance because they compliment each other.

 

 

The cheater OM is usually a man with low self esteem and insecurity that needs romantic conquests to feel validated. He seeks external validation by getting women in the sac. Over time these men learn to be charming and smooth; they have a knack for saying the right words to potential female lovers. Furthermore they can spot a woman with low self esteem seeking external validation one mile away.

 

 

The female with low self esteem needs external validation and attention to feel good about herself and no one is better in providing attention and external validation than OM.

 

The words of OM are very pleasant to a woman in need of attention. OTOH, if a woman is secure and with high self esteem the cheesy words of OM are nauseating. Women with good self esteem don't pay attention to cheaters.

 

So in the end this is a match made in heaven where two insecure people providing validation to each other at all times.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I suggest you give full custody of the kids to your H. I have a bad feeling about OM abusing your children. As you said before, you are already damaged. But, at least you can do the right thing by not exposing your children to the equally damaged OM.

 

 

Good luck!

 

I had the exact same thought as you Pierre, about OM possibly abusing these kids. From everything that's been described this man has no boundaries whatsoever and certainly sounds like he is likely a sexual deviant.

[rae_lana]

To equate OM to your H you have to take philandering, liar, addiction, narcissism, out of the equation. Otherwise, they are similar.:laugh: You are kidding yourself.

 

 

 

Lana, you are a HUGE black hole for attention and validation and no husband in the universe can validate his wife 24/7. That is why you love OM. As a philanderer OM knows which buttons to push.

 

 

 

 

Yep, he is the most evil man in the planet for wanting his wife to stay at home and take care of the kids, How dare he proposed that?? And he has the audacity to provide for the family, what a creep!!:D:D

 

 

 

 

 

 

The story repeats itself. It is called memes, FOO. You are doing to your kids what your parents did to you. And you are getting together with a man that could be a pedophile for all we know. I hope you protect your children.

 

 

Please google memes.

 

 

 

 

Please read this:

 

The OM combination with a woman (married or single) with low self esteem is a match made in heaven. It sounds like a great romance because they compliment each other.

 

 

The cheater OM is usually a man with low self esteem and insecurity that needs romantic conquests to feel validated. He seeks external validation by getting women in the sac. Over time these men learn to be charming and smooth; they have a knack for saying the right words to potential female lovers. Furthermore they can spot a woman with low self esteem seeking external validation one mile away.

 

 

The female with low self esteem needs external validation and attention to feel good about herself and no one is better in providing attention and external validation than OM.

 

The words of OM are very pleasant to a woman in need of attention. OTOH, if a woman is secure and with high self esteem the cheesy words of OM are nauseating. Women with good self esteem don't pay attention to cheaters.

 

So in the end this is a match made in heaven where two insecure people providing validation to each other at all times.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I suggest you give full custody of the kids to your H. I have a bad feeling about OM abusing your children. As you said before, you are already damaged. But, at least you can do the right thing by not exposing your children to the equally damaged OM.

 

 

Good luck!

 

If you wanted me to take anything you had to say seriously maybe you didn't need to throw in that he's now apparently a child abuser and a pedofile?? Really? Not at all.

 

This guy isn't seeking out sex every single day, him and his wife went months without sex, often. The majority of those months he was not looking for other women.

 

You guys have seemed to have made him a cartoon version of an evil villain. My god.

 

It's completely ridiculous and it getting nobody anywhere. He has cheated in the past.. That's not WHO he is, and he's not pushing me to start swinging or being in an open relationship..

 

Sex is not an entire relationship.. If anything that's more what me and my husbands marriage was like than me and OM! The affair has been mostly emotional with physical things once a month and sometimes less! With my husband the vast majority of time we spent alone was having sex and he never even enjoyed talking to me or doing things together with me and the kids.

 

And him wanting me to stay home and raise kids and cook and clean.. No he's not a creep for wanting that, but telling me I'm a bad mom for wanting to go to school or keep a part time job isn't very fantastic either.

 

Give me a freaking break.

How you are responding about him like he's a freak because he is bi sexual and likes sex and has cheated in the past is exactly how people have treated him his whole life which is why he learned to lie in the first place. I know that feeling all too well myself.

 

It's pretty sad that you can't see the possibility that there is more to everyone in this situation than exactly the details that were written here.

 

I've written what I have to describe this situation only.

 

There is a lot more to all of these people than just what has happened in this last year.

 

My husband doesn't even WANT full custody. If anything ill be ditched to do all the hard work with the kids even though I want shares custody. I really thought you knew what was going on more but it's clear you are confused about my situation.

Edited October 8, 2013 by rae_lana

[rae_lana]

Me and this OM are alike EMOTIONALLY and we like the same things.. Activities, music, movies, simple things like that.. We have the same dreams and wants and long term goals. We both love kids and are not abusive or sexually attracted to kids thanks very much for the concern.

 

He is interested, the same as I am, about experimenting sexually.. But that has absolutely nothing to do with why our marriages wernt working or why we may end up together if we do. The sex would be a small component to making a life together but at least we both share the same desires and wants where sex is connected to a relationship.

 

I do not believe that having sex with someone else means you don't love your partner. It doesn't mean that at all. I had sex with OM and I still loved my husband. It was the emotional side that made me fall in love, not the sexual side.

[Owl]

It was the emotional side that made me fall in love, not the sexual side.

 

And here is where you're most gravely mistaken.

 

Physical intimacy begets emotional intimacy.

 

Emotional intimacy begets physical intimacy.

 

This is why so many "FWB" type affairs end up where one or the other participant 'falls in love' with their FWB partner. And it's why so many "EA only" relationships inevitably end up being both EA and PA.

 

It's why so many 'open' marriages cannot be sustained in that fashion long term. One partner ends up falling in love with someone outside of the marriage...or the other partner FEARS that this may happen (because it is a common outcome).

 

You cannot simply segragate the two. It just doesn't work that way.

 

You weren't 'physically' compatible with your H, and it was a factor in what led to your EMOTIONAL detachment as well. When someone EMOTIONALLY detaches, they also tend to stop being physical as well.

 

Think I'm wrong?

 

Tell MOM no more physical contact with him for the next six months. No ribald comments, no flirting, and NO physical contacts. Just be totally, completely, utterly "love" only.

 

See where you're at.

 

Prove me wrong.

[jlola]

When I read RL's post the thought of sociopath ran in my head. NOw with the confirmation he is bisexual, I am convinced! Friend of mine dealt with the exact type of guy. Charming,funny,romantic,bisexual, sociopath. Love Bombing is what they do, and they do it well. They read you like a book and make you believe you two are very alike. Smoke and mirrors.

 

 

Sociopaths and sex: neither straight nor gay

 

Many women have written to Lovefraud about husbands who they’ve come to believe are sociopaths. They were astounded to discover that, not only was the husband cheating, but he was having sex with men.

 

 

Now that I know he is also gay, is sociopathic tendency in married gay men not common as well? When I read the stories of the women in the book (“Straight Wives”), many of the men sound like sociopaths as well. Have you studied this phenomenon? Is it possible that gay men who choose to live the lie of married life are likely also socios?

 

 

Then alohatraveler commented:

 

I have heard from another victim of my sociopath that he was starting to get more “experimental” when she knew him. She knew him after me. He was expressing an interest in having sex with a man, but of course, with a woman present, because he was “not gay.” We both also saw an ad that he posted looking for sex with a transsexual. Then he placed an ad where he wanted a traditional type of woman.

 

“Not a gay bone in my body”

 

Shortly after I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, he proclaimed to me, “There’s not a gay bone in my body.” I had no reason to doubt him. But when I left him after two-and-a-half years, I learned a lot about his sexual activities:

 

He had sex with at least six other women during our relationship.

He was heavily into Internet porn.

He solicited gay male prostitutes.

He tried to arrange threesomes and looked for swinging couples.

In short, he wanted sexual thrills. The more different kinds of thrills, the better. I’m lucky I didn’t get a serious disease.

 

 

Dr. Liane Leedom writes that sociopaths only want two things. One of them is power. The other is sex.

 

So when it comes to sexual orientation, I believe sociopaths are neither straight nor gay. In short, they’ll screw anyone.

 

Lovefraud has heard from gay individuals—men and women—who were involved in gay relationships with sociopaths. I asked several of them if they thought the sociopath was actually gay. They all agreed with my theory and said the sociopath was not gay.

 

Sex with an agenda

 

This does not mean, however, that sociopaths are out of control. On the contrary, to them, sex, and sexual orientation, is just something to be used in order to achieve their objective, whatever that is.

 

 

Sociopaths use people for sex, and use sex to get what they want. Anybody who suits their agenda will do.

 

If it suits their agenda to be married with children, then that’s what they’ll do. But if sociopaths indulge in same-sex relationships, in my opinion, it’s because they’re sociopaths, not gay.

Edited October 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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