Geoff756 Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 (edited) So me and this girl have been good friends for about four years or so. We had a bit of a rocky past, actually, which is a long story in of itself. Long story short I asked her out years ago and she said she didn't want any sort of relationship with anybody and that it wasn't just me. I suppose it is true considering in all the time I've known her she's never had a bf. Fast forward for years and we are very, very close. We basically have scheduled date nights where we watch episodes of a TV show or sometimes movies together. We talk for hours each day and she has sent me what I interpreted as signals of interest. For example, for my birthday last year she gave me a pair of her worn underwear. A sexy pair too! She teased me for weeks leading up to it saying she was getting me something I'd really, really like. She has also shown me pictures zoomed in her on cleavage saying things like "look how big my boobs look in this, do you think they look good?" There have also been some red flags though where she has always been having sex with other men as friends with benefits type things. She tells me not to get jealous over them cuz there's no emotion. It's just sex. She tells me about them because she thinks I like hearing about it. I suppose in a fashion I sort of do, to be honest. The reason me and her are not fwb is that we live a bit of a distance away, several hours from each other. So anyway, a few days ago I told her that I still liked her and asked if she liked me as well. Her response was "I'm not dealing with this," and then stopped texting. She wouldn't answer me for about a day and a half. A mutual friend tried texting her as well (a female) but she got ignored too. Then she finally answered yesterday and said "sorry I needed a cooldown day. It's over though, there's nothing to talk about." I didn't want to press matters so I just said fine. Then she just went on being normal. What does this reaction mean? If she doesn't like me, then why not tell me she only likes me as friends? Why leave me in limbo and wondering? If she does, why react in such a way where she got mad at me saying it? Not sure what to do. Edited October 4, 2013 by Geoff756 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 Geoff, She DID tell you...discussions about you liking her and if or not she likes you are "over...there's nothing to talk about." It's not what you want to hear, but you still do have to listen and respect what she said. And she is showing you that she only likes you as a friend by just going back to "being normal." She has NOT left you in limbo. My guess is that you caught her by surprise and that was the only reaction her mind could come up with at short notice. It doesn't matter, though. Her words and actions are very clear. Respect those as you would the words and actions of any other person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Geoff756 Posted October 5, 2013 Author Share Posted October 5, 2013 Thanks for the reply Ronni. She actually ended up talking to me about it anyway earlier today. Said that I make it difficult when I want something she has absolutely no interest in with anybody - aka a relationship. Sounds the same as the line she gave me when I asked her years ago. She did say she wants things to be completely the same as before as if I just never said that. It's weird though because so much of what we did was kind of "dateish." I suppose I'd rather have that than nothing since I do love spending time with her. Who knows, maybe things will change in the future. She'll want a relationship one day after all! Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 Geoff, if you enjoy her company then of course keep her as a friend and continue spending time with her. But do not count on her changing her mind about you (even when she's ready for a romantic relationship)...you'll only be causing your own heartache and misery, soon or down the road. Cultivate an interest -- platonic or romantic -- in at least one other woman, and spend time also with her/them. It'll make you come across as less needy, dependent...the opposite being more attractive, confident, appealing. But still don't count on this one seeing you as a romantic partner. Couples do the same things that single people do, so EVERY outing, social activity, experience can be said to be "date-ish"...there's not a special list of public/social things that couples get to do mutually to enjoy each other's company that is off-limits to singles. You two have been hanging out together, for her, as platonic friends...don't try to make more out of it than it really is FOR HER...you'll only be causing your own heartache and misery, soon or down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Geoff756 Posted October 6, 2013 Author Share Posted October 6, 2013 Geoff, if you enjoy her company then of course keep her as a friend and continue spending time with her. But do not count on her changing her mind about you (even when she's ready for a romantic relationship)...you'll only be causing your own heartache and misery, soon or down the road. Cultivate an interest -- platonic or romantic -- in at least one other woman, and spend time also with her/them. It'll make you come across as less needy, dependent...the opposite being more attractive, confident, appealing. But still don't count on this one seeing you as a romantic partner. Couples do the same things that single people do, so EVERY outing, social activity, experience can be said to be "date-ish"...there's not a special list of public/social things that couples get to do mutually to enjoy each other's company that is off-limits to singles. You two have been hanging out together, for her, as platonic friends...don't try to make more out of it than it really is FOR HER...you'll only be causing your own heartache and misery, soon or down the road. I dunno, I feel like giving me worn underwear as a present isn't something platonic friends would do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
love1336x Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 uh she sounds like a real... itch to be honest, but guess she was caught off by surprise... She gave you her answer... she just wanna be friends... and nothing more. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 I dunno, I feel like giving me worn underwear as a present isn't something platonic friends would do. Hi Geoff: I am not a young adult so take this opinion with that in mind. I would have thought the same thing about the panties, so you aren't off base with that...seemed like a manipulative gesture to keep stringing you along. She probably gets an ego boost from your obvious crush. You are "friendzoned," but then it seems like she is getting some of the benefits of a bf without having to put in any of the work or commitment for it. Unfortunately for you, it seems you really like this girl so you have to decide if you can be okay with just being a friend with all of these flirty demonstrations (cleavage photos, underwear, not wanting you to get jealous of FWB) or if you need to put some space between you and date other girls. The thing is that sometimes it is fun to see where trouble can take you when you are young, but only if you are getting some needs met too. I followed some roads that I knew were absolutely bad for me emotionally, but the sex was outstanding or the girl interesting as hell. Only you can decide what would be best for you in a situation where a girl wants to be your friend without "dating' but strings you along with flirtatious overtures. Have fun, Grumps 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Geoff756 Posted October 6, 2013 Author Share Posted October 6, 2013 Been browsing this forum a lot the last few days and I see so many posts like mine of a friend falling for a friend and being rejected. It sort of gives me comfort knowing that so many other people are in this situation and it's not just a problem with me personally. I've also been thinking how it is sort of nice that I can even feel such love for someone else and that if I feel so bad about her not loving me back, I must have been really happy before this! I see lots of other people concluded it is best to end the friendship totally and just try to move on. I think I've come to a different conclusion. Although it does really suck having feelings for someone who does not reciprocate them, as long as they are still willing to be friends as before, I don't see why you shouldn't be. If you love someone, it's better to have them in your life in some regard than not, I think. When I told this girl I liked her the first time years ago, the rejection resulted in me not talking to her for three months. That made me miserable and from what I gathered after we started talking again, she was pretty sad during that time as well. Spending time with this girl still makes me happy. We have fun. I think that should continue! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Geoff756 Posted October 24, 2013 Author Share Posted October 24, 2013 (edited) So just updating this thread for anybody who replied or was still interested. This girl and I aren't friends anymore. I tried to just move on and be just friends with her but ever since I told her I liked her she changed completely. For one, she started being quite mean to me. She even went as far as to insult me several times (using some profane words I won't post here). She never wanted to hang out anymore and even broke many of the plans we have made previously. Whenever we DID do anything together, it seemed like she was getting some chore out of the way. Finally I confronted her about why she was acting so un-friendlike. She called me a baby and told me to stop whining. I pointed out that ever since that conversation she had been acting different. Prior to that we were best friends that did everything together. I said I was just being the same person I always was. Then she said I had to "go and mess everything up" and that now I make her uncomfortable because she thinks the only reason I ever want to do anything is because I like her, not because I want to actually hang out with her. I said I just liked spending time with her and that if we're going to continue to be friends I want to just be treated like any other friend. She said then we're not going to continue to be friends and told me to F off because she "doesn't need this s**t." Then she blocked me online and hasn't talked to me since. Edit: Oh yeah, she also tried to say it was my fault we weren't friends anymore. She said something about how I was just mad that she said she didn't like me but she didn't want to lead me on so it was better to be blunt. Uh, she didn't want to lead me on? What does she call sending me a pair of her worn underwear or showing me pictures of her cleavage and asking what I thought of her boobs? Edited October 24, 2013 by Geoff756 Link to post Share on other sites
Polak Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 If you are still willing to be her friend and genuinely enjoy spending time together, and she accuses you of lying and goes into sailor-mouth-mode, then she can go screw herself. I hate people who do 180's and turn on you. Some girls just can't handle the confessions. She seemed to have a typical reaction at first, and then went back to being seemingly normal, but after that it just went downhill. At one point it looks like she enjoyed stringing you along and keeping you strictly as a friend AND ego-booster but that was obviously undermined with your confession. In any case, I'm sorry you lost her friendship since it was a positive one for you, but if she turned into a crazy drama queen, you deserve a better friend than that. One that can have fun with you and share genuine feelings with (even if non-romantic). Leave her to wallow in her fountain of lies. Link to post Share on other sites
GGZ Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 Hello there, I have followed your story in the past few days and I can relate to some extent to what you are going through now. I have nothing but to offer you some of my understanding words and thoughts, in the hope that they can make your mourning of your friendship less painful-though it must be very painful I know, as I am trying not to let the loss of a close friend of mine swallow my mind into depression. Unrequited love can be painful. Sometimes, you may wish the other side understands you and lets you stay at their side, asking nothing in return. You try to reassure them that you do not expect much in return but their time, but it won't work for most of the time. This hurts a lot. Needless to say, but life keeps moving. Lessons learned and the wheel keeps turning. Try not to think too much about it...Stay busy and do not this become such a burden in your daily activities. Go outside, hang out with your pals, go the gym, learn new languages and put that person at the back of your mind. Notice how I am not saying to forget her: you can never forget someone because of the way they have made you feel and vice versa. Yet, keep this experience, souvenir or whatever you want to to call it as a source of inspiration to better take care of yourself (you may find this part especially difficult), but to help you achieve this, just say ''I should be proud of myself for having tried something I did not believe I could do before, and hence I should reward myself with some gelato ''. If you do not take care of yourself, then who will? I have come across death a few times in my life, and seen how it affects and can just take away the lives of others to realize how life is precious and you should enjoy every second of it. A $20 may be cut, scratched, thrown in the mud, but its value is still there. Same with your person: someone may break your heart, insult you, or things may not turn the way you want them to be, but you still remain the same person in value and personality. As you are reading this, you must still be thinking a lot about her...If you genuinely love her, then let her go. If she values your friendship and what you have stood for her, some day she may contact you again, but do not sit and wait for that day to come, do what you have to do and things will just work out fine. Good luck pal Link to post Share on other sites
Author Geoff756 Posted October 26, 2013 Author Share Posted October 26, 2013 Seems that day came quickly. She contacted me today asking if I wanted to watch an episode of the show we watched every week together. I'm totally baffled at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
GGZ Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 I suggest you tell her how her reaction has made you feel. But show some restraint, and take some distance. You should definitively ask her why she has reacted in this way and explain how much she means to you, but do point out that she should not take you for granted. Best luck to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 I dunno, I feel like giving me worn underwear as a present isn't something platonic friends would do. it isnt...its a relationship thing.....to me anyway......and even then .....if a guy is close enough to view my underwear ...well...it would be me wearing it not sending it...its strange to do this with a platonic friend....so is sending shots fo cleavage..deb Link to post Share on other sites
theothersully Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 Maybe... and this is a guess.... Maybe she was trying to set you up as a fling /FWB and she was upset having put so much time and effort into that, that she got mad. You don't send underwear to people you don't want to hook up with. She was probably trying to get you as a fwb. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Geoff756 Posted October 26, 2013 Author Share Posted October 26, 2013 (edited) Nah that isn't the case because she always tells me about all these other FWBs she has or has had. Once I casually mentioned how we could do that and she said no cuz she didn't want me liking her (like I said I had already told her I liked her a long time ago) so fwb was out of the question. It's almost like she wants to have a psuedo-relationship with me where we're unofficially boyfriend/girlfriend but I don't get any sex or any cuddling or any I love you's and there's no commitment so she's free to have sex with other people and there's chance of her getting hurt by it. Edited October 26, 2013 by Geoff756 Link to post Share on other sites
theothersully Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 Wow... I can see why you are confused. I'm lost too. She has given you all kinds of mixed signals. Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 This woman is using you. She knows you like her and she teases you with panties, boob shots and talk of her sex partners. You are her toy. She knows you will be there when she wants something from you. I bet you rarely ask anything from her but she always wants things from you. This is not a friendship! My advice is to walk away. She has shown she is selfish and only wants her way. You don't need a friend like that. Look for someone who appreciates you cause she does not. Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 The girl has no interest in you. Yo are her gay best friend...so she can be naked in front of you...show you panties, whatever she wants. You put her on a pedestal, so you get treated like trash. Next time stand up for yourself, and stop acting like you need this girl to live your life. You will never get with this girl. Move on, and have some respect for yourself Link to post Share on other sites
Author Geoff756 Posted October 27, 2013 Author Share Posted October 27, 2013 She knows I'm not gay though... Link to post Share on other sites
damien201 Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 (edited) Hey pal, do your best not to agonize over this. I know it's so difficult and painful to consider a girl you were really in to could use you like that, but they do. She's been using you as an ego fix, nothing more. Girls like this know exactly what they're doing. They know it confuses you, and they know it leaves you feeling insecure and desperate for their approval. She probably has at least a few other guy friends like you, and they're probably all waiting and hoping that one day they'll get their turn. Don't be one of those pathetic guys who fantasizes and ruminates over a girl he will never have the respect and affection of. This is exactly the kind of girl you don't want as your girlfriend. Rest assured the guys she actually does date and **** live in a hell of jealousy and suspicion created by her bevy of "close male friends." Edited October 27, 2013 by damien201 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 She knows I'm not gay though... Metaphorically speaking, you are her gay best friend. Seems like you have no problem with that, so keep being a punching bag for her Link to post Share on other sites
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