New boyfriend seems to enjoy making me feel jealous?

[Sweeetie]

I have been dating a guy for the last three weeks, and he is the kindest man that's ever come my way. We're both 23. There is a big hiccup however in the way he treats me, and that is the fact that he seems to show interest in other women right to my face.

 

Last week he invited me to go on a very special date with him to a beautiful and expensive bar that has panoramic views, and what should have been a lovely romantic night turned out to be a not so romantic one because he spent the entire time ogling at the waitress who was serving our table. I had a talk with him about it the next day over Facebook chat (he's not really one to do serious conversations verbally) where I tried to make him understand that his behaviour hurt me and he said he would try to not do it again.

 

Last night however my worries had reason to come back; we went for a dinner together and from the way he was talking it seemed that he was deliberately trying to make me jealous and feel insecure.

 

He is going to Sweden for a few days today to see a male friend and we were talking about his holiday. I was asking him what things he had planned for the trip and he said lots of sightseeing and clubbing, I smiled and said I hope he has an enjoyable time and his reply was quite weird- he said "aren't you worried I'll meet a hot Swedish woman while I'm partying?" I responded with "Aren't you worried I'll meet a hot guy at my friends party next week?" An eye for an eye..

 

A conversation that happened after this one was, I am due to have a birthday celebration after 2 weeks and we were talking about who I'm inviting. We have a lot of mutual friends, mostly guys and he said "why not invite more girls as well- there should be a balance right?" I said "You'd like to meet some new girls?" He smiled slyly and said "I always want to meet new girls". I asked him to repeat what he said for thinking I might have misheard him but it turned out I didn't. He then went "lol I'm joking" which I don't buy.

 

I'm going to have a talk with him about this next week when he is back from his holiday, this time a face to face one. I would like to ask members of Loveshack what would be the best approach to make him understand that this behaviour is really not on and that I might leave him if it continues?

 

Thanks for reading

[veggirl]

He can't have serious conversations verbally?

 

I'd dump him just for that. Is he 5 f*cking years old?! Why in the world do you want to date someone with the maturity of a child.

 

Anyway, you should SAY, FACE TO FACE, "look the way you ogle other women and talk about them is completely disrespectful. If it continues, I will leave this relationship"

 

done & done. pretty easy.

[darkmoon]

say it just once quietly, give it one last try you might as well, but imho, he would have said agreed to stop by now and just said yes to you the first time, simple sentences do not need re-phrasing

 

 

he doesn't sound 100% kind, I think you hope he will be kind to you about this

 

 

three weeks in you should be feeling more special than this, from the way he keeps talking like this, I am not even sure if he wants much exclusivity, date others he sounds a bit iffy to me

Edited October 4, 2013 by darkmoon

[wild wolf]

He 's not ready to commit if he can't do verbal conversations. Talking via facebook? Good luck with that. A real relationship has a lot of conversations and most are best done face to face. Red flag.

[ExpatInItaly]

Ugh, not good. If he's doing it as a ploy to make you jealous, it's incredibly immature and speaks volumes about his capability to have a loving relationship.

 

If he's doing it because he's dropping hints that he might actually act on this, well...

 

Tell him calmly and in person that this type of behaviour leaves you feeling disrespected and you can't continue the relationship if he insists on doing such things. Plain and simple. And be prepared to act on that and walk away if it keeps up.

[wavejumper]

Sweetie, do yourself a favor and get out now, it will only get worse. Generally, this type of personality lacks self esteem and needs continuous validation. Further, if he's flirting and leading other women on to believe he's single, and then to find out he has a girlfriend/wife, you and the other women end up feeling like shyte while he gets his ego stroked ..not very nice and pretty inconsiderate on his part.

 

I learned the hard way and 15 years later, I finally got out. You don't need to feel like you are competing with every women that crosses his path. You have better things to be doing and deserve better.

[James-London]

If he just wanted to cheat on you, he would be much smarter about it. He would wait until you were not looking and then start looking at other girls. However, you guy is making an EFFORT to let you know he is interested in other women. The other thing is that he made an effort to take you out to an expensive/romantic date. This shows that he does like you.

 

My guess would be that he likes you (probably a lot) and is feeling a insecure and vulnerable around you. He is trying to show you how he is uncommitted to you in order to protect himself from getting hurt. I think you should be aware of this possibility. That said, this is not an excuse for his behaviour - he is acting like an a**.

 

Ask yourself - is this a guy who has had lots of girlfriends in the past and is generally very confident with life/women and is open about his feelings? If he did not have self-confidence issues, he is just jerk who doesn't respect you. But I suspect he is just looking for validation that you like him by hoping you get jealous.... His unwillingness to talk other than on FB suggests he is not confident at all.

 

You should tell him face to face how you feel. Don't yell at him. Just tell him very calmly that if he wants to be uncommitted and non-exclusive, that is fine - but he will need to find another girl. Tell him that if he is hoping to make you scared/jealous by his attention to other girls, you are totally not impressed and it just shows him as lacking in confidence.

[I'mLostInTheStars]

This happened with me and an ex. He was saying to me he was on the phone to a 'babe' talking about how he wished he was single. I dumped him after that. It's for the best! ♥

[giblesp]

I've been there. If your kind, handsome BF is already looking at other women, talking about other women and making you feel insecure, its probably not going to get any better.

 

I remember a girl I dated, I went to meet her at a bar and she was taking another mans number, just as a friend she said. She was kind and beautiful I thought, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. 5 months later, she ran off with someone else.

[Sweeetie]

Thanks for your replies so far guys, you have helped me with thinking up what to say to him when I see him.

 

I should mention something else here; during that same date on Thursday where he was saying these things I didn't like, I retaliated by trying to make him jealous- firstly by, as I already mentioned, responding "aren't you scared I'll meet a hot guy at my friend's party?" when he asked me wouldn't I be scared about what he'd do on his trip, and then when he said how he'd love to meet new girls I told him about a guy at my workplace who asked me on a date to which I said "no sorry I'm seeing someone."

 

Was this approach a good idea? I only mentioned these scenarios in retaliation to his own inappropriate comments.

 

I then asked him "so if a super hot girl were to ask you out on a date, would you go?" He replied "Nope because I'm with you. You're my girl aren't you?" This suggests he does want to be exclusive, whereas the other things he said didn't fit..

Edited October 5, 2013 by Sweeetie

[jimloveslips]

if a girl was doing this to me I'd dump her - and quite frankly for a guy to dump a girl for ANY reason is pretty rare!

 

here's the cliche - you deserve better!

[James-London]

when you tell him how you get attention from other guys, how does he react? If he looks stressed/hurt, then you know you are important to him.... As I said before, there is a small chance that he is just behaving this way because he is immature and scared of losing you so he is trying to act like a big man who is not committed and doesn't care. If that is the case (and you like him), you can try to talk it through with him and work out why he is behaving this way. If you can have a successful conversation and he can feel more secure/grow up as a result, then you might have a workable relationship there.

 

On the other hand, there is the possibility that he is genuinely looking around at other girls. If so, you should dump him if an exclusive relationship is what you want.... The other thing to ask yourself is: even if he is committed to you, do you want to be with someone who is so insecure that he has to behave like that?? Girls generally like a guy who is confident in himself and genuine and doesn't need to pull these sorts of stunts.

 

If I were you I would insist on getting to the bottom of this. If he refuses to communicate properly, I would definitely dump him on principle.