Demonizing the wife

[whichwayisup]

Is this common?

I despise my APs wife, and I don't even know her. I met her once, but she didn't know I was sleeping with her husband.

 

Today he called me from his truck, which he was driving for the first time since surgery, but he had to be home by 1:15 because his wife was out and she won't let him drive since his surgery. He didn't want her to catch him. He said she would take the keys away if she caught him driving. I said WTF? Is she your mommy or what?

 

I know I am seeing her through the filter of the affair bubble. But I really don't like her. He doesn't seem to like her much either.

 

Pretty sure it's Dr's orders NOT to drive after having major surgery.

 

Yes you are seeing her through the affair bubble, your emotions and jealously, plus I'm sure whatever negative light he's painted her in has clouded your judgement towards her. I guess you have every right to feel the way you do, dislike her as she is your competition...

 

Just keep in mind that it takes two and she isn't the 'evil' wife you think she is.

 

Bolded part. Yet he is still married to her.

 

Me think he has the wool totally pulled over your eyes and of course the affair fog and your heart is making you see things a different way.

[HopingAgain]

It's not rocket science as to why you can't stand his wife. It's in your best interests to dislike her. Admitting that she's a human being with thoughts and feelings who doesn't deserve to be getting betrayed would lead to yucky feelings for you to deal with...like guilt, remorse, maybe even a change of heart as to why you are allowing yourself to be in this triangle of unhealthy behavior in the first place.

 

As to why he demonizes her to you...its to cause you to dislike her. To ramp up the competitive feeling so that YOU feel you have to show him you are better than the mean ole wife. Its all for his benefit, so that he can continue his real life at home and appease you at the same time.

[whichwayisup]

Even if it is doctors orders, taking the keys and hiding them? That is treating a person as a child.

 

Wow, I cannot believe you're getting this worked up. There's a pretty good chance HE has exaggerated things, knowing full well what affect it'll have on you. Just sayin'... Maybe he was/is looking for some sympathy.

 

Imagine you, being his wife or having a husband...He had major surgery and was told NOT drive. BY the Dr. And then your H decided to drive after being told not to (or your MM, whom you'd be married to).. I'm sure YOU'D be upset, worried that something could happen. An accident, he could run someone over, or get hurt himself.

 

Hello, this is just common sense. He is putting himself and others at risk by driving his car. What a baby he is, boo hoo and now you're sucked in by his drama.

[HopingAgain]

I also want to add that you 2 have addictive personalities. You may both currently be sober, but you are still fixated on external sources being the cause of your issues. Now both of you have a common external source to blame, and that is his WIFE. As long as you can blame the wife for all the problems she's causing and for HER behavior, you 2 never have to look at and address your own behavior and the real causes for it.

[whichwayisup]

money. She said she would leave him with his shoelaces if he ever divorced her. He has considered it many times (long before me). I think he'll probably leave her though. He has left her before (not for a woman) but went back.

 

And you choose to believe this mans word. The man who said vows to his wife in front of family and friends. Of course a MM never lies or deceives his OW. He only does that to his wife....

 

Don't ever fool yourself into thinking he has not lied or omitted truths from you.

 

Go ahead and call his wife. Tell her you want her husband and tell her ALL that he's said behind her back. I'd be shocked if even a 1/4 of it is actually true.

[truthbetold]

Even if it is doctors orders, taking the keys and hiding them? That is treating a person as a child.

 

First you say the bolded....

 

Except he is not on pain meds anymore. And the doctor did not tell him not to drive. She just doesn't think he should.

 

And then you back peddled after you didn't like what was said.

 

Oh, there have been lots of other incidents where she has been controlling and treating him like a child. And who am I to hate her? A person who has a right to her feelings.

 

You're absolutely correct, you can have your feelings. But they're irrational and all they're going to do is blacken your heart. And guess what? It's only going to hurt YOU. Not the wife, I'm sure she could care less what you may or may not feel about her as she doesn't get her validation from you. Nor do the anonymous people on a forum hurt because of your feelings, but you do, so that's sad for you, hate is a pretty strong word. And since you don't know her, it's irrational.

 

But back to the driving thing. Were you there when the doctor supposedly told him it was okay to drive? I find that HIGHLY suspicious as most MD's are NOT about to risk being sued because they allowed someone to take the wheel too quickly. Most MD's are going to err on the side of caution and not risk their license over a stupid advice. Here's a just a small list of when and why you can't drive after a hospital stay. It's not just pain meds that can make someone loopy, it's not wise to jump behind the wheel after you've been laid up.

 

Reasons You May Not Be Permitted to Drive:

 

 

• You cannot drive safely due to your medications, including anesthesia or prescription pain medication.
  
• You cannot drive safely due to physical limitations (cast, lack of strength).
  
• You could injure yourself attempting to drive -- for example, if you have had an orthopedic surgery, such as a hip replacement.
  
• You might hesitate to react appropriately, such as slamming on the brakes, for fear of pain.
  
• You are wearing an orthopedic device, such as a cast or a brace, that impairs shifting, braking or steering.
  
• Your ability to grip the steering wheel is impaired, such as after a shoulder surgery or a carpal tunnel procedure.
  
• The surgery typically results in a period of mental impairment, such as brain surgery.
  
• Wearing a seatbelt is unsafe and could harm your surgical site, such as after an open heart surgery.
  
• Getting out from behind the steering wheel places stress on the incision or surgery site.
  
• Shifting is too stressful for your injury.
  
• Your vision has been impaired by surgery.
  
• The condition that made surgery necessary may impair your ability to drive.
  
• Any other reason that your doctor believes you may not be able to drive safely.
  

While driving after surgery has not been well-researched and varies widely based on the procedure, your surgeon will be likely to have a strong opinion about when it is appropriate to return to all of your daily activities. Only your doctor can take all aspects of your health, surgery and condition into account regarding your ability to drive.

If you are in doubt of your ability to drive, or if you are concerned about a loved one's ability to drive after their surgery, always err on the side of caution. You can always schedule a driving test like one would take prior to getting their first driver's license, so that an independent person can evaluate whether driving can be done safely.

 

 

 

I think the bolded is the wife exercising her right as his spouse to do what she thinks may be best, since he's pretty clear he shows crap judgement.

[Quiet Storm]

Most women who turn "motherly" do it as a response to their husband's behavior.

 

They usually get like that because their men are irresponsible. Usually, an affair is just one thing in a long line of fnck ups. They might be bad with money, drink too much, lose jobs, be impulsive or immature. It is a form of enabling, and women living with alcoholics, immature, irresponsible, or personality disordered people often have these traits.

 

It's not because they are mean, cold or bossy, but because they can't trust their spouse to have good judgment. They don't want to mother him, but it becomes essential to keep the household in order, and to buffer the kids from feeling the collateral damage of his decisions.

 

MM begins to resent his spouse, simply because she has expectations of him.

 

An OW is a good source of admiration and validation because she doesn't know his track record. She hasn't been disappointed enough yet.

Edited October 4, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[bentleychic]

I get VERY "mother hen'ish" when someone that I care about is sick/hurting/recovering from a medical event/surgery. That is sometimes peoples reactions to someone that they love recovering from something. There's nothing wrong with that. She likely loves him and is taking care of him (or trying to) the best that she knows how.

[ladydesigner]

I get VERY "mother hen'ish" when someone that I care about is sick/hurting/recovering from a medical event/surgery. That is sometimes peoples reactions to someone that they love recovering from something. There's nothing wrong with that. She likely loves him and is taking care of him (or trying to) the best that she knows how.

 

 

Right? I would think most women would be this way as we do this naturally. I'm sure there are some women here who have taken care of their MM when they are sick. Same thing. Women tend to be nurturers because we bear and have to take care of children.

[LilGirlandOW]

Is this common?

I despise my APs wife, and I don't even know her. I met her once, but she didn't know I was sleeping with her husband.

 

Today he called me from his truck, which he was driving for the first time since surgery, but he had to be home by 1:15 because his wife was out and she won't let him drive since his surgery. He didn't want her to catch him. He said she would take the keys away if she caught him driving. I said WTF? Is she your mommy or what?

 

I know I am seeing her through the filter of the affair bubble. But I really don't like her. He doesn't seem to like her much either.

 

Ok, I'll jump to the sharks, as usual, lol.

 

I feel like that too sometimes.

 

My MM/BS have a distant, catty relationship. I've interacted with them and seen it first hand. That being said, my mind often gets wrapped around "She's mistreating MY man!!", and yeah it angers me at times.

 

**[insert BS banter]**[he's not your man, he's her husband, how dare you, blah, blah, blah]**{shaking fist in the air!!!}

 

I'm sure this is amplified because I'm in love with him, but I thought that before, so.

 

Brutual honesty there.

[ladydesigner]

Most women who turn "motherly" do it as a response to their husband's behavior.

 

They usually get like that because their men are irresponsible. Usually, an affair is just one thing in a long line of fnck ups. They might be bad with money, drink too much, lose jobs, be impulsive or immature. It is a form of enabling, and women living with alcoholics, immature, irresponsible, or personality disordered people often have these traits.

 

It's not because they are mean, cold or bossy, but because they can't trust their spouse to have good judgment. They don't want to mother him, but it becomes essential to keep the household in order, and to buffer the kids from feeling the collateral damage of his decisions.

 

MM begins to resent his spouse, simply because she has expectations of him.

 

An OW is a good source of admiration and validation because she doesn't know his track record. She hasn't been disappointed enough yet.

 

I am a classic example of this. Unfortunately I did not know what it was until very recently. I had to become responsible in our relationship (because no one else was) in every way and I ended up taking care of everything (still do in some cases). My WH has been bad with money, stole, lied, cheated, does drugs. I guess I am an enabler. Huh funny how we get our aha moments.

[lollipopspot]

As someone who was cheated on, and subsequently found letters between them, I can tell you that my man said things about me that were strong misrepresentations. And she went along with it and even encouraged him to, as she wanted to end up with him.

 

Just my experience.

[LilGirlandOW]

 

(1) Most women who turn "motherly" do it as a response to their husband's behavior.

 

(2) They usually get like that because their men are irresponsible.

 

(3) MM begins to resent his spouse, simply because she has expectations of him.

 

(4) An OW is a good source of admiration and validation because she doesn't know his track record. She hasn't been disappointed enough yet.

 

(1) Most husbands find that comforting and sweet in doses, unattractive and annoying in overdoses.

 

(2) They should find a more responsible man, rather than grinding away at the "broken/irresponsible" one their trying to mould.

 

(3) I think alot of the resent comes from the bitching and hounding, in some situations.

 

(4) Possibly, or maybe the OW is a better fit regarding both personality and chemistry.... and is able to better convey concerns and suggestions to him.

 

Sometimes its a simple as the OW is a better source of a partner for the WS, people change and grow distant, sometimes people have bad pickers when they're young and it turns out the BS isn't a right fit like they thought.

 

I dont think cake-eating is ever a solution though. R's should be like VHS videos... after the movies over, stop, eject, then insert the next movie...

[HopingAgain]

Ok, I'll jump to the sharks, as usual, lol.

 

I feel like that too sometimes.

 

My MM/BS have a distant, catty relationship. I've interacted with them and seen it first hand. That being said, my mind often gets wrapped around "She's mistreating MY man!!", and yeah it angers me at times.

 

**[insert BS banter]**[he's not your man, he's her husband, how dare you, blah, blah, blah]**{shaking fist in the air!!!}

 

I'm sure this is amplified because I'm in love with him, but I thought that before, so.

 

Brutual honesty there.

 

Here's some more brutal honesty: It's kind of telling that these "poor, mistreated MM" would rather have their asses supposedly handed to them by the battleax wife than go to a mistress that would love, adore, and expect nothing from him but love in return. Very tellling as to where his head and heart are at, indeed.

[ladydesigner]

(1) Most husbands find that comforting and sweet in doses, unattractive and annoying in overdoses.

 

(2) They should find a more responsible man, rather than grinding away at the "broken/irresponsible" one their trying to mould.

 

(3) I think alot of the resent comes from the bitching and hounding, in some situations.

 

(4) Possibly, or maybe the OW is a better fit regarding both personality and chemistry.... and is able to better convey concerns and suggestions to him.

 

Sometimes its a simple as the OW is a better source of a partner for the WS, people change and grow distant, sometimes people have bad pickers when they're young and it turns out the BS isn't a right fit like they thought.

 

I dont think cake-eating is ever a solution though. R's should be like VHS videos... after the movies over, stop, eject, then insert the next movie...

 

Right and that's why you are out in the open with MM now?

[LilGirlandOW]

Here's some more brutal honesty: It's kind of telling that these "poor, mistreated MM" would rather have their asses supposedly handed to them by the battleax wife than go to a mistress that would love, adore, and expect nothing from him but love in return. Very tellling as to where his head and heart are at, indeed.

 

Actually the MM seems to put up with the BS's bs, and escape to solace of the OW to regain sanity, and feel appreciated and loved.... in some cases

[RainDown]

I don't get it. Why do either of you want a man who acts like a child being bossed around by his mommy?

 

Not attractive. At all.

 

Besides, why is either one of you talking about his wife in the first place? You're just wasting time you could be spending on YOUR relationship with each other. Affair partners have little enough time as it is (usually), and you waste it talking about his wife? What's the point of listening to a man whine about his wife/mommy on YOUR time?

 

Sorry, but the whole dynamic is just...weird.

[LilGirlandOW]

Right and that's why you are out in the open with MM now?

 

I dont know how to address this as I'm not sure what you're referring to.

[HopingAgain]

Actually the MM seems to put up with the BS's bs, and escape to solace of the OW to regain sanity, and feel appreciated and loved.... in some cases

 

And then they go right back home to their wife and families to "endure" more of the same after experiencing such bliss from OW, right? But why would a man subject himself to such misery and deprive himself and the woman he (says) he loves of happiness? Life is very short.

 

Who is getting the short end of the stick here? I think OW fall for words too easily from these men and don't rely enough on actions.

[LilGirlandOW]

And then they go right back home to their wife and families to "endure" more of the same after experiencing such bliss from OW, right? But why would a man subject himself to such misery and deprive himself and the woman he (says) he loves of happiness? Life is very short.

 

Who is getting the short end of the stick here? I think OW fall for words too easily from these men and don't rely enough on actions.

 

Mehh, in situations like mentioned here... possibly they go home to the kids they love, and the nagging roomate that owns half the house. Spends evenings with his kids, puts them to bed at night then Purposely passes out on the couch night after night... dreaming about how fulfilled he finally feels to have a love-connection that feels so right.

 

Not saying this is every case, but its one dynamic of a broken M/fulfilling A scenario.

[ladydesigner]

I'm not so sure that being out in the open is all it's made out to be. Some of the most incredible treasures are kept in a beautiful, private, secret, sacred place. I don't want too many cooks in my kitchen of love. It's a two way street. Not a 3 or 4 way.

 

Maybe some are. I definitely don't look back on my A as some beautiful secret. My WH says the same. If MOW could hear how he speaks of her now she would probably want to kill him although it doesn't surprise me because he spoke of me badly too. I'm sure MOW thinks their A was/is her most incredible treasure but it is hers to keep.

[lollipopspot]

If MOW could hear how he speaks of her now she would probably want to kill him although it doesn't surprise me because he spoke of me badly too.

 

This guy's some gentleman, huh.

[HopingAgain]

Mehh, in situations like mentioned here... possibly they go home to the kids they love, and the nagging roomate that owns half the house. Spends evenings with his kids, puts them to bed at night then Purposely passes out on the couch night after night... dreaming about how fulfilled he finally feels to have a love-connection that feels so right.

 

Not saying this is every case, but its one dynamic of a broken M/fulfilling A scenario.

 

And again, when does the fantasy cross over into reality? Anyone can fantasize about a fulfilling love connection, etc. etc., but reality is sleeping on that couch (or in the bed probably) every night. If wishes were horses, we all would ride.

[ladydesigner]

This guy's some gentleman, huh.

 

T/j Ha you're telling me. I actually feel for the MOW now because she believed in my WH, well so did I until this last A.

[HopingAgain]

T/j Ha you're telling me. I actually feel for the MOW now because she believed in my WH, well so did I until this last A.

 

That is what usually happens, after awhile of being in an affair you see the flaws that the MM has is not in any way exclusive to the relationship with his wife. It could be any woman and will be OW getting hurt too if things progress. In many cases the OWs in these scenarios make out like bandits if they DON'T get their MM on a permanent basis, but that's one of those scenarios you have to live for yourself to believe. For the stubborn ones anyway.