Ex contacted me after 6.5 weeks...

[nasc88]

Hi everyone...I've posted on here a couple of times and I'm looking for some opinions and insight.

 

I dated a guy (we're in our mid/late 30s) for a year and a half. He broke up with me (after I pulled it out of him) because he didn't think he could do this long term and if he continued it would be half heartily. This was on August 17th. We didn't fight - we honestly were best friends. I was blindsided. A week after the breakup (August 26th) I told him I was confused and he needed to stop contacting me - and he hasn't.

 

My Mom went in for surgery yesterday and since I have family all over they asked that I post on my wall updates. I did. He sent me an email saying "I know I'm not suppose to contact you blah blah blah - wanted to send support and let you know that I'm thinking of you." So I responded thank you for the note. I have missed talking to him etc. He responded back saying he never wanted to sever ties and not talk. blah blah blah. I responded to him that I miss him and I miss talking to him but I still can not have a friendship.

 

That he knows what I want and perhaps because he broke up with me it was easier to move on but that I can't. I was confused etc. He also had mentioned getting up and going for a walk around Walden Pond which is literally something I had asked him to do many times and he always had an excuse. Why bring that up now - to tell me you'd rather go alone? Are you trying to rub it in my face?

 

I'm so confused again. I was doing so well. I miss him SO much and these breadcrumbs are just killing me. Does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? I talked to my therapist about it and he said if you can handle the let down then contact him...it's what I wanted but not the content I was hoping for.

Edited October 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lylat333]

So... did you keep him blocked on Facebook or no? Just curious how he would have known about the FB updates. (I like the "blah blah blah"s you put after his communication. Talk is cheap.)

 

Look at you! A little over a week ago you said, "So many people said "oh you'll hear from him again..." which of course is not true." <-

 

imo you shouldn't have said you missed him, basically eating his breadcrumbs. Until he makes it very clear he wants to reconcile, it is just breadcrumbs whose primary purpose is for him to get the warm fuzzies getting back in contact with you.

 

Him bringing up Walden Pond is an obvious sign you're on his heart. He throws it out there to try and test the waters and get a response out of you. imo the only thing you need to do is stay strong and stand your ground. There is nothing wrong with you not being OK w/ friendship and not wanting to put yourself through the pain of confusing contact. The purpose of NC is to avoid these exact situations yanking your heartstrings.

 

I think you initiating contact w/ your ex is totally the wrong thing to do... there is no reason for you to be putting all of your emotions at risk. He's a big boy and should know exactly how you feel - he knows you want to reconcile, right? He has to man up and be left to his own devices take a clear course of action. He has a poor reason for waffling - it's not because he's afraid of being rejected. (as is your case) He just doesn't want it bad enough, at least not yet.

[nasc88]

Hi lylat333 - I had hidden his feeds etc. but didn't block him apparently. I am rarely on FB now so I hadn't been paying much attention.

 

I know he doesn't want to reconcile imo anyway - it seems that he just wants to be friends and he missed being in contact with me as much as I did with him apparently.

 

He emailed me again like we were old friends and nothing had changed. Except I guess in a way I have changed. I can't be OK being his friend...not now. I literally cried myself to sleep on Friday night because I realized that the little hope I was holding out for was gone. It is heartbreaking but I guess at the same time it will force me to move on.

 

I agree he doesn't want it bad enough. I have been seeing a therapist and have discussed the relationship - obviously - and I explained certain things and the therapist asked me if he suffered from depression etc. He is content being home alone for weekends on end. He has a stutter (a noticeable stutter) and I have always wondered how much that really effects him. Obviously it didn't bother me because I enjoyed being around him. All of this doesn't matter in the end. It seems that he is happier alone than in a relationship and slowly my heart is catching up with my brain realizing this. I do miss him so much but everyone is right about time - slowly I'm starting to see the other side.

 

I just have a fear of who else am I going to meet that I am that compatible with and it scares me to death. Ugh. I just wish he had wanted what I wanted - or was at least capable of wanting what I want. I cried hysterically with the "if I was prettier, thinner, smarter, talked less, was funnier...pity party" and my Mom kept saying don't you see - he's the one with the issues not you. I just hope that I can realize this so I can build my confidence back to what it once was.

[Mariposa10]

Hi lylat333 - I had hidden his feeds etc. but didn't block him apparently. I am rarely on FB now so I hadn't been paying much attention.

 

I know he doesn't want to reconcile imo anyway - it seems that he just wants to be friends and he missed being in contact with me as much as I did with him apparently.

 

He emailed me again like we were old friends and nothing had changed. Except I guess in a way I have changed. I can't be OK being his friend...not now. I literally cried myself to sleep on Friday night because I realized that the little hope I was holding out for was gone. It is heartbreaking but I guess at the same time it will force me to move on.

 

I agree he doesn't want it bad enough. I have been seeing a therapist and have discussed the relationship - obviously - and I explained certain things and the therapist asked me if he suffered from depression etc. He is content being home alone for weekends on end. He has a stutter (a noticeable stutter) and I have always wondered how much that really effects him. Obviously it didn't bother me because I enjoyed being around him. All of this doesn't matter in the end. It seems that he is happier alone than in a relationship and slowly my heart is catching up with my brain realizing this. I do miss him so much but everyone is right about time - slowly I'm starting to see the other side.

 

I just have a fear of who else am I going to meet that I am that compatible with and it scares me to death. Ugh. I just wish he had wanted what I wanted - or was at least capable of wanting what I want. I cried hysterically with the "if I was prettier, thinner, smarter, talked less, was funnier...pity party" and my Mom kept saying don't you see - he's the one with the issues not you. I just hope that I can realize this so I can build my confidence back to what it once was.

 

What he's doing to you is not fair. He's only thinking about what's best for him, not you. You have to take care of you and your feelings, nobody else will do it for you.

 

My ex did the same thing after we broke up. He started talking about how we should do x thing (something I had always wanted to do but he never wanted to do). I think he did it because I always kept stroking his ego by being so available.

 

The best thing you can do is go NC. Let him suffer the consequences of not being in a relationship with you.

 

Good luck!! Keep us posted.

[Mariposa10]

Btw, I think you should delete him from Facebook, but that's up to you...He doesn't get to know what you're up to.

[nasc88]

Thank you Mariposa10 - I had been thinking about contacting him. Why? Well somewhere in my distorted mind I thought - I asked him not to contact me if he changed his mind about US he wouldn't be able to contact me. I'm a little out of touch with reality I guess. His response made it clear that he obviously wasn't having a change of heart. He even said not to rehash anything but I never wanted to sever ties like this. It made me realize that he clearly is missing the point - that I was doing it for ME because I was hurting so bad. I don't think I will hear from him again but if I do I really hope I have the strength to delete his message and not respond. Ugh, boy is it hard though. I miss miss miss him.

 

How do you keep going forward and come out on top on the other side?

[Fufu]

You don't miss him now, you only missed who he was when you were with him. Remember they were past.

[Babolat]

Hi lylat333 - I had hidden his feeds etc. but didn't block him apparently. I am rarely on FB now so I hadn't been paying much attention.

 

I know he doesn't want to reconcile imo anyway - it seems that he just wants to be friends and he missed being in contact with me as much as I did with him apparently.

 

He emailed me again like we were old friends and nothing had changed. Except I guess in a way I have changed. I can't be OK being his friend...not now. I literally cried myself to sleep on Friday night because I realized that the little hope I was holding out for was gone. It is heartbreaking but I guess at the same time it will force me to move on.

 

I agree he doesn't want it bad enough. I have been seeing a therapist and have discussed the relationship - obviously - and I explained certain things and the therapist asked me if he suffered from depression etc. He is content being home alone for weekends on end. He has a stutter (a noticeable stutter) and I have always wondered how much that really effects him. Obviously it didn't bother me because I enjoyed being around him. All of this doesn't matter in the end. It seems that he is happier alone than in a relationship and slowly my heart is catching up with my brain realizing this. I do miss him so much but everyone is right about time - slowly I'm starting to see the other side.

 

I just have a fear of who else am I going to meet that I am that compatible with and it scares me to death. Ugh. I just wish he had wanted what I wanted - or was at least capable of wanting what I want. I cried hysterically with the "if I was prettier, thinner, smarter, talked less, was funnier...pity party" and my Mom kept saying don't you see - he's the one with the issues not you. I just hope that I can realize this so I can build my confidence back to what it once was.

 

My ex gf does this crap to me..and yeah, the word has changed to crap over the past 1 - 2 weeks. I was the dumper, 6+ months ago. She likes to keep in touch with me. Recently dropped a self help book off she read, that she wanted me to listen to (It was 3 cds) and let her know what I thought, soon.

 

I have not blovked her from FB. She will Like a post/picv from time to time.

 

I don't know what she is up to, tired of trying to figure it out .I am moving forward, and so should you. Stick to your guns.

[lylat333]

I literally cried myself to sleep on Friday night because I realized that the little hope I was holding out for was gone.

 

I'm not trying to give you false hope but I wouldn't be so sure about that. I think he does have some kind of feelings for you and may care about you, but the whole issue w/ breadcrumbs is if you eat them they will never commit. imo you are shooting yourself in the foot when you tell him you miss him.

 

I wouldn't be so distraught. Things will only get better if you go NC, you will start to feel better and he will see a life without you. You really haven't gone that much time without hearing from him. A lot of timelines say it generally takes 2-3, up to 6 months for an ex to have a change of heart. If I was getting what you were I would honestly be filled with hope. I'm at 70+ days of never experiencing ANY contact whatsoever, talk about feeling hopeless and loss of expectations.

 

I don't think your situation is so bad. You just have to be willing to disconnect from him for the purpose of him not being able to feed off of you emotionally and get out of the current dynamics. Listen to your mom, and Mariposa, I think they're right.

[nasc88]

Thank you lylat333 - I'm going to go back to NC. You can imagine how excited I was when I received the email and then how sad I was when I realized it wasn't what I was hoping for. I have been keeping busy - took a glass blowing class this weekend and cleaned my closet etc. - anything to keep moving and my mind off of him. Every day it gets a little bit easier but I do genuinely miss him so much. Well my situation is bad in the sense that I am 36 and thought he was the one and I was picturing a future - he was picturing how to get away apparently. I'm just going to try my best to keep focusing on me and moving forward the best I can. I have been told by many people that I can't control him, his actions or how he feels but I can control my own. Thank you very much for your response - I appreciate it. I hope that someday I am back on here on the other side of all of this giving positive feedback to others - helping them like you all have helped me.

[lylat333]

Thank you lylat333 - I'm going to go back to NC. You can imagine how excited I was when I received the email and then how sad I was when I realized it wasn't what I was hoping for. I have been keeping busy - took a glass blowing class this weekend and cleaned my closet etc. - anything to keep moving and my mind off of him. Every day it gets a little bit easier but I do genuinely miss him so much. Well my situation is bad in the sense that I am 36 and thought he was the one and I was picturing a future - he was picturing how to get away apparently. I'm just going to try my best to keep focusing on me and moving forward the best I can. I have been told by many people that I can't control him, his actions or how he feels but I can control my own. Thank you very much for your response - I appreciate it. I hope that someday I am back on here on the other side of all of this giving positive feedback to others - helping them like you all have helped me.

 

You're very welcome, I was afraid I was getting on your nerves commenting on your threads so much. But I feel for you and mean all I've said. I can say the days are going by better for me than they used to but every day is its own struggle. The past couple of days I've had other anxieties stressing me out and I've been having heart palpitations! I think of my ex, it breaks my heart. I miss what we had, grieve for what I feel we could have been. Why, why, why?

 

No, you can't control him. It's clear to me you're in the same boat as I am - you see your ex as a partner or nothing at all. We've made it clear what we want, they must make their own decision to reciprocate. I firmly believe NC is our only course of action... even though there are no guarantees.

 

I too hope deeply someday I will be able to come back here on the other side. I can't picture it at all for me but I'm still trying to help others based on my experiences. You sound like a sweet, intelligent person... you deserve to be happy. That's really cool you took the glass blowing class!

[nasc88]

lylat333 I appreciate the responses: from you and everyone. It helps to know you are not the only one feeling these emotions and that you are not alone. I have experienced the same things - the heart palpitations etc. I have been going to a therapist which has helped (many things going on besides the break up) and he tried to teach me breathing techniques when these anxiety attacks started but it didn't help a whole lot.

 

I agree with you about NC. When he emailed me and threw me some breadcrumbs as I've seen mentioned repeatedly I was so happy to have contact and then so sad and heartbroken when I realized that it was just a friendly hello...no attempt at reconciling just trying to rekindle a friendship. I cried myself to sleep Friday night wondering: if I was prettier, thinner, smarter, funnier or talked less would that have mattered? I hate how this has cut my self confidence and I am working so hard on myself to be the person I was before all of this happened.

 

I appreciate your comment - I am doing my best to make myself happy again. You sound very caring and I hope that you too get what you deserve and find true happiness.

 

I just got my pumpkin delivered to me from my class and I must say it is adorable! It will serve as a reminder of who I hope to become again. That being said it kills me how much I still miss him...every day.

 

Thank you again!

[lylat333]

You're welcome. The breakup cut my self-confidence, too. I felt like if I would have focused harder on getting in super shape she wouldn't have left me. But I believe there is so much more to relationships than that, and NO ONE (our exes included!) are Mr. or Ms. Perfect & Productive 24/7! Thankfully I am trying to use NC as a time to focus on the things I had been neglecting - even though I sometimes get frustrated with myself for not meeting my own expectations!

 

I generally think I'm a good-looking, funny person with a lot of things going for them but when I picture my ex with someone else I always picture a guy who has everything I lacked, and it really hurts. I feel like she's going to think back to me as the guy who obviously didn't make the cut. She lives and works in a college town... when she goes out to a bar or club the guys who are taller, bigger, stronger, etc. than me are a dime a dozen.

 

BUT - I really would not worry about this too much. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder, that is a fact. Best motivation to have is to be the person you want to be, not the person you think you should have been for your ex. Sounds like that's what you're pursuing. Not that we should be too concerned w/ this but I do also believe after time apart, negative feelings die down and positive feelings re-emerge, particularly for the dumper. Whereas the opposite tends to happen for the dumpee. (positive feelings dying down)

 

When I dumped my other ex, our intimacy had been really low. (me turning down her advances) So many other women were starting to look more appealing... they had different hair color, or a different body type, or different interests. But let me tell you, down the road I look back at her... she hasn't changed but I came full circle and see her as very attractive. She was such an awesome person in so many ways and I took it for granted. Always remember what makes you a great person there are those who will appreciate every bit of it.

Edited October 8, 2013 by lylat333

[nasc88]

So I'm back again. My ex sent me an email on Monday with an article about someone I went to college with "in case I didn't see it" and ended it "hope all is well." I only responded because I was curious who he was talking about. Then nothing. Sunday was my birthday and I am not lying when I say it was the hardest day yet. Last year he took me on a romantic trip to NH and this year I was sad and alone. He of course sent me a HB message, I didn't respond or react. Why does he keep popping up if he doesn't want to be with me? I've asked him NOT to contact me but yet he still does. I am just so heartbroken and every time I get a message I can't help but get excited thinking "maybe he changed his mind?" I just don't know what to do or what to think. I just want him back. How do I give up thinking this way and give up hope?

[Mariposa10]

So I'm back again. My ex sent me an email on Monday with an article about someone I went to college with "in case I didn't see it" and ended it "hope all is well." I only responded because I was curious who he was talking about. Then nothing. Sunday was my birthday and I am not lying when I say it was the hardest day yet. Last year he took me on a romantic trip to NH and this year I was sad and alone. He of course sent me a HB message, I didn't respond or react. Why does he keep popping up if he doesn't want to be with me? I've asked him NOT to contact me but yet he still does. I am just so heartbroken and every time I get a message I can't help but get excited thinking "maybe he changed his mind?" I just don't know what to do or what to think. I just want him back. How do I give up thinking this way and give up hope?

 

What an ******* for not respecting you and trying to keep in touch. I hate people like this. Next time, don't reply. How long has it been since you two broke up??

 

Also, what have you been doing to get over him? Have you tried going out with friends? Have you really accepted the breakup?

 

You always have this forum to vent

[nasc88]

I didn't respond the last time (the birthday message). What was I going to say? It has been two months.

 

I have been doing everything possible. I have done a glass blowing class where I made a pumpkin, I've signed up for knitting classes (something I did as a kid but wanted to continue), I go out with friends and family, go to the gym, do anything anyone asks me to keep busy.

 

I have been seeing a therapist who has been trying to help me see the relationship for what it was. I have accepted it mentally but my heart hasn't caught up and wishes more than anything he'd come back to me. Does that make sense? We didn't fight, we got along great, he just freaked out and said he couldn't picture himself long term and thought if he stayed in it he'd be doing it half heartily. I just want HIM back. So I guess, no I haven't fully accepted it - I realize it is over but I am stuck on wishful thinking.

[Mariposa10]

I didn't respond the last time (the birthday message). What was I going to say? It has been two months.

 

I have been doing everything possible. I have done a glass blowing class where I made a pumpkin, I've signed up for knitting classes (something I did as a kid but wanted to continue), I go out with friends and family, go to the gym, do anything anyone asks me to keep busy.

 

I have been seeing a therapist who has been trying to help me see the relationship for what it was. I have accepted it mentally but my heart hasn't caught up and wishes more than anything he'd come back to me. Does that make sense? We didn't fight, we got along great, he just freaked out and said he couldn't picture himself long term and thought if he stayed in it he'd be doing it half heartily. I just want HIM back. So I guess, no I haven't fully accepted it - I realize it is over but I am stuck on wishful thinking.

 

Wow, sounds like you're really working hard to get over him. You're doing all the right things. I congratulate you for that. If you keep doing all this, soon your heart will catch up.

 

You deserve someone better, keep that in mind please!!

[ScienceGal]

Having your heart at odds with your intellect makes perfect sense! That's where I am at currently. It's normal. It means you have great capacity for emotion and love (this is a good thing!)

 

You're making great choices for yourself. Keep doing that

[nasc88]

I am honestly doing the best I can - I just can't stop wishing he'd change his mind and come back. I just don't know how to do that. I keep wondering how I'll ever meet anyone else that I enjoyed being with as much as him. I know I deserve the best but I truly thought he was the one for me.

[Mariposa10]

I am honestly doing the best I can - I just can't stop wishing he'd change his mind and come back. I just don't know how to do that. I keep wondering how I'll ever meet anyone else that I enjoyed being with as much as him. I know I deserve the best but I truly thought he was the one for me.

 

Take comfort in know you're not the only one experiencing that. We've all here experienced that fear. Let time do its thing. You're already doing the best you can, now you have to let time do its thing as well.

Take comfort in knowing your ex is having a hard time letting go as well. However, don't get too caught up in that. Why? because he's only thinking about himself, you have to think about yourself. You have to heal and move on.

[nasc88]

Thanks! I'm doing the best I can which is really all any of us can do right? I'm trying to heal and move on and am told time will help me do this - I just miss him so much it hurts!

[BC1980]

Thanks! I'm doing the best I can which is really all any of us can do right? I'm trying to heal and move on and am told time will help me do this - I just miss him so much it hurts!

 

I just went through a rough week, but I'm okay now. I had been doing great for 2 months, and, bam, I went into a depressive state. The best advice I can give is to reaffirm your new reality everyday no matter how hard it is. Getting caught up in the past is so detrimental. You cannot move on that way. Everyday you wake up, realize this is your new life, and it's a great one! It really is. You have a lot to look forward to.

 

I've done all the things you have. I've accepted any invitation that has come my way, taken up new hobbies, ect. I know that all of that is external, and it can't change the fact that you love someone. I get it. Sometimes, you are just going through the motions, but it's just like that. You will be okay in time. I wish so much that it were sooner, but all of us are in the same boat.

[nasc88]

Thank you - it helps to know that others are feeling the same thing. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other in hopes that some day when I laugh and smile - I really mean it!

[nasc88]

I'm just having a really tough day and this forum has really helped me through it in the past. I'm just really missing my ex and can't stop thinking about him. I miss his emails, I miss his texts and I miss him just being a part of my every day life. I have been keeping busy - took a knitting class last night - something I've been wanting to restart for years and am doing all I can to keep busy but I just can't stop thinking about him today. Any suggestions on what I can do? I just can't seem to move on.

[Mariposa10]

I'm just having a really tough day and this forum has really helped me through it in the past. I'm just really missing my ex and can't stop thinking about him. I miss his emails, I miss his texts and I miss him just being a part of my every day life. I have been keeping busy - took a knitting class last night - something I've been wanting to restart for years and am doing all I can to keep busy but I just can't stop thinking about him today. Any suggestions on what I can do? I just can't seem to move on.

 

It takes time... Ever since I started NC, I couldn't get my ex out of my head. I would think about him pretty much the entire day every minute. But it's getting better, it's just a matter of time. We all have to go through this, just be patient...