He wants to try to be a family...

[blind_otter]

Most of you know I am 3 months pregnant. I have a complicated situation, made less complex recently. I am in the process of finalizing my divorce to my husband (who is incarcerated) - we both decided to finalize it now, rather than when he gets out, for tax reasons. He wants nothing to do with me any more.

 

I am pregnant by another man, who I was seeing off and on while still legally married. I was separated - the entire time I was seeing this guy my STBXH has been in prison, and I was separated from my STBXH for 6 months prior to his incarceration.

 

This man ditched me when I told him I was pregnant. He has spent the last 2 months or so getting wasted and occassionally stopping by my house to cry, yell at me, or sit in silence until I kick him out. Admittedly, he has seemed really freaked out - but he never did ask me to abort. That was important to me, for personal reasons.

 

Well, he invited me to thanksgiving at his mother's house out of the blue. I went in the evening, as I had already had dinner with my family. He was sober, for once. Apparently he finally got a new job framing houses, and is trying to get his life together so he can be a father. I am skeptical to the extreme. He has been nothing but a selfish baby and all of a sudden he has a change of heart and wants to get back together with me so we can be a family. He says all the things he can say to push my buttons - that no one is around to take care of me, that he wants to be a good father so he can fix all the "bad stuff" that happened to him in some vicarious way, and that he loves me. I just find it incredibly hard to believe that someone has a change of heart just like that.

 

But I don't know. I know children need their fathers, and how he is in relation to me isn't necessarily how he will be as a father. I just don't know. The father is in rehab (again) but I think rehab is pretty worthless, as I've known a lot of people who go through rehab and just start drinking again.

 

At times this guy is almost childlike, and it can be endearing. He seems genuinly excited at seeing his child (now) - but I can't help but remember how I told him I was pregnant and he just disappeared, or the fact that he has had a serious alcohol problem for many months now. I found a book about pregnancy that he had checked out of the library, though, in his room hidden underneath some Maxim magazines. I thought that was kinda funny.

 

I am in a vulnerable position right now. More emotional than I ever have been (mainly because pregnancy has made me so emotional I even cry at stupid diaper commercials because the babies look so adorable). In my heart I really DO want my child to know his/her father. But I don't want to try being with this guy and have it come crashing down. Especially when I'm 9 months pregnant, or worse, right after I have the baby.

 

I am so conflicted. I don't know whether to just nip it in the bud and tell him, too bad, next time we talk you'll be signing child support papers, sucka...or whether to give this whole "family" idea a try. I want to do what is best for my CHILD.....not what is best for me (although those two things aren't necessarily mutually exclusive). I haven't had the best judgement when it comes to men. I care about this man, but I am afraid that he will never grow up.

 

My Dad was the best...I love him so much it hurts. Sometimes I secretly admit that I love him more than I love my Mom. My Dad was pretty f*cked up for a long time, he has *very severe* PTSD from the Korean War and from Vietnam (he served in both), and was an alcoholic for 12 years. He didn't have kids until he was in his late 40s. But he cleaned up his life and literally lives for his children. He spent time in jail, off and on, before he was in the navy - was just profoundly troubled.

 

I was lucky that my Dad, once my mom actually gave birth, became the man that he should have been for a long time. I just don't have that confidence in my ex-BF.

[Debster]

Baby steps. Sorry for the pun.

 

Do not move in together. Do not start dating... yet. However, do start preparing to be parents. Go to parenting classes, read books together, talk about how you want to raise your child. Shop for baby items, etc. Spend time together and help him get used to the fact that he is going to be a father.

 

Whether or not it works out between the two of you - he is the father.

 

In time, you'll decide if he deserves a second chance.

[tattoomytoe]

No. maybe he can be a dad, but i do not want to see you and he get married.

[tiki]

You're so smart, I just can't picture you with this fella!

 

He's a dumbass, give him another chance. It may not sink in to him just yet, but wait til you HAVE THAT BABY!

 

Unless he's been abusive or cheated, why not give him a chance?

[blind_otter]

I definately NEVER want to get married again. I may live with someone for the rest of my life, but I don't want to do the marriage thing.

 

I like your idea, Debster, I can just sit back and wait, and we can hang out and he can drive me to my midwife appointments. Let's see how he likes that. Next week I get to have a transvaginal ultrasound, and the ultrasound thingy looks like a dildo. But the baby is moving now, at 12 weeks they start kicking and even cry silently in the womb, and suck their thumb. I swear I felt the baby move last night, like a butterfly was inside my belly, so low that it almost was to my pubic bone. Also kind of like a flip-flop in there. Like the baby did a somersault. Definately not normal gas anyways.

 

I am so obsessed with my pregnancy thought that barely anything fazes me lately...except anything vaguely prenatal.

[tokyo]

Tiki is right, you do seem very smart. I just don´t get it how you and this guy got together I´d leave running if a guy with alcohol problem approached me.

[blind_otter]

I have no clue how we got together myself. He just saw me one day (he was friends with my roomate - I used to rent out one of the rooms in my house), when he was visiting his friend, and decided to call me. I was still living with my STBX at the time, so I said cool it and if you still want to see me when my STBX moves out, we can.

 

He did cool it, being that he had just gotten out of a relationship himself, and waited until May of that year (we met in March) when my STBX moved into his own apartment, and we started hanging out regularly. I broke up with him when he said he was falling in love with me, and he waited 6 months until I finally broke down and called him and said I wanted to try again.

 

He was molested when he was young, and I don't know whether this has affected his ability to have healthy romantic relationships. I know he hasn't really dealt with what happened to him. He wakes up in the middle of the night thrashing around and screaming about once or twice a month.

[Stone]

The proof will only come out when the baby is here... sometimes kids change people's lives and make them live better.... mine did..

 

Guys act retarded when there we're pregnant, mine is acting like a jerk off right now, but I know he loves me and is a good daddy.

 

It's hard to imagine but men go thru hard times when we are pregnant, they get in to worry mode. i hope everything works out for you, I know you have a strong faimly to support you... But if he is trying to be a father and trying to straiten up you owe it to the baby to give him the opportunity to be a father.

[Weird]

Originally posted by kooky

Tiki is right, you do seem very smart. I just don´t get it how you and this guy got together I´d leave running if a guy with alcohol problem approached me.

 

Yeah I don't understand that either and especially don't understand why you didn't use any birth control but I guess it is just a mystery why people who appear intelligent make odd choices.

 

Anyway, I say give the guy the attempt to show you he can be a father when the baby is born. If he doesnt then go from there.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Weird

Yeah I don't understand that either and especially don't understand why you didn't use any birth control but I guess it is just a mystery why people who appear intelligent make odd choices.

 

Assumptions, much?

 

Condom broke.

 

But, it was not very wise to use only one method of birth control, either.

[Stone]

I really hate to stick up for this guy, but I like the fact that he even considered the thought of reading a pregnancy book, maby he will realise that you ARE crying alot because of hormones and not using that as an excuse. But it's nice that he is trying to learn how you feel..... Actions speak louder than words, saying that

Make sure he is doing this because HE WANTS TO not because his Pshyco mom is pressuring him into it.

 

I also think it would be a wonderful idea if you guys took a parenting class togeather before the baby is born, just because if things don't work out, at least you will be on the same level while raising your child. This may also bring you closer togeather if not only good things will come out of it and you will be helping him be a good father.

 

Something I always did with my son's father was kept a jornal about his father and our relationship, the good things about him and why I don't think he is an acceptable role modle at this time. I know that one day my son will have questions about his dad that might be verry lost in my memory I want to give him accurate information so I write a letter's to my son about his Dad and other things that happen in our lives so that when he is old enough to understand I can give them to him. You also might be in a position where you have to stop this man form seeing your child... this helped for me.

 

This child will need a father and it might be this guy or it could be a man you meet a couple years later. Or your father can be this baby's male role modle and I am sure he will be a good one Just always know that what you choose for you and your baby is the right desicion and don't let anyone try to manipalute your desicions. Just because he is THE father doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your happiness for your child... I wouldn't even go there untill he has changed 100% and IF YOU CAN FORGIVE HIM!! There is nothing worse for resentment.

 

Remember I am here to support you dear and I am confident that you will be a wonderful mother and the baby will be extreamly happy and loved no matter what desicion you may choose

[SoleMate]

I agree that actions apeak louder than words. He's done a few good actions:

 

* Getting sober, for however short a time to date

 

* Inviting you for Thanksgiving

 

* Getting a (steady?) job

 

* Reading a book on pregnancy

 

I don't see any problem with letting him continue to show with his actions whether he can and will be a worthwhile father to this child. That's not the same as getting back together in a r/s with you. Right now, it's probably best for both of you to focus on the pregnancy and arrangements for the baby, as opposed to your bf/gf r/s. It's definitely in the child's best interest if the father gets his act cleaned up and the two of you form a good working parenting system. An actual bf/gf r/s would just be icing on the cake.

 

Men do seem to get scared when they hear the words "I'm pregnant". Even married couples who have been trying to conceive will tell you the same thing. Men get staggered. So do we women, in our own way. Then everybody (often) pulls it together.

 

But definitely DON'T let him move in or otherwise get in a position that it would be hard for him to get out of. Good luck!

[blind_otter]

I've spent some time with my baby's father. I am sometimes ok and sometimes genuinely puzzled.

 

He is very closed off and his face is emotionless unless he is crying. He rarely talks unprompted. I feel like he must be resentful of me for some reason, but when I ask he says that he isn't. He asks me, several times thoughout any conversation that we have, "Do you hate me?" (does anyone really ever answer this question honestly? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't).

 

I find myself very distant with him, and although I am normally the type of person who vomits their emotions all over everyone else, I am very closed off around him, since he has asked me to reconcile with him. I feel as though we are both walking on eggshells around one another. It is very uncomfortable. In many ways I guess we have both been through the emotional wringer.

 

Upon further contemplation, I know this is related to his past. I sometimes feel like the problems between us stem from a basic incompatibility. He is an intelligent man, but mostly from reading. He has trouble communicating - so much so that it seems like he chooses NOT to speak, most of the time, rather than stumble over his words. I am as verbose as they come. I could talk to a brick wall.

 

I care about him deeply, though, even though it may sound like I don't. I've expended a lot of effort trying to control how I feel about him - but my sister pegged me with "I can tell you feel deeply for this man, even though you try to hide it."

 

Maybe this is an addiction, like any other, because I can't understand why I care about him. I have unrealistic expectations in relationships, and naturally he falls far short of those very unrealistic expectations, and as a result I was always never quite satisfied with how things were between us. I am trying hard to change the patterns of our interactions so that we don't butt heads constantly. Mainly, I am altering how I react to him.

 

I am trying to remind myself that conflict is pointless. He is severely emotionally handicapped, though, the longer I am around him the more I am aware of this. He really, really, really needs to get back on his ADD medication - he is becoming worse and worse, scattered, unable to focus even on a 2 hour long movie, easily frustrated when he has to do complicated mental tasks. I wish I could talk to him about getting medication without him becoming pouty and sulking and saying that I must hate him.

 

Why does he ask me this all the time? (do you hate me) He can't give me a straight answer. I wish I had better insight.

[Stone]

Have you guys tried to talk to a counsler? It may help. I know you are struggling with some desicions you might have to make shortly, Just remember the only thing you can do is try 100% to make it work, if it can't there is nothing you can do, and one day you will atleast be able to tell your child you and him did everything you could to work things out but your better off as friends. for some reason I think you guys will work it out

[blind_otter]

Well if it doesn't it won't be for lack of trying.

 

I have to remind myself constantly that men are not women. I know that seems so obvious, but it's hard for me. I want him to open up and be all touchy-feely...but then again my STBXH was all sensitive and sh*t and it really got on my nerves.

 

At least my baby's father tells me to pull my head out of my ass every once in a while. Because God knows, it's shoved up there about 80% of the time.

[moimeme]

Why does he ask me this all the time? (do you hate me) He can't give me a straight answer. I wish I had better insight.

 

How much do you know about adults with AD/HD?

 

Have you read any books or gone to any websites?

 

Many, maybe even most, folks with AD/HD feel they are 'hated' by everybody. Read Elmo's post about his nephew. He dislikes the kid, who misbehaves because he's got AD/HD and apparently is not being treated for it.

 

Many of the problems you attribute to this guy are classic AD/HD problems. He might have a touch of Asperger's, too, which would account for the facial expressionlessness and the difficulty speaking about emotions.

 

Why do you care? Probably because you sense he's a really good guy inside who happens to have a bunch of issues, too. We love the goodness in people; there are few people who are nothing but bad, after all.

 

He was molested when he was young, and I don't know whether this has affected his ability to have healthy romantic relationships. I know he hasn't really dealt with what happened to him. He wakes up in the middle of the night thrashing around and screaming about once or twice a month.

 

Oh good heavens! AD/HD and molested, too? Poor guy

 

I was lucky that my Dad, once my mom actually gave birth, became the man that he should have been for a long time. I just don't have that confidence in my ex-BF

 

Some folks with AD/HD become excellent parents. If your BF gets on the AD/HD meds, he'll be less likely to drink. Lots of people with disorders try to self-medicate with booze or drugs. The meds fix what they're trying to fix with booze or drugs.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by moimeme

Some folks with AD/HD become excellent parents. If your BF gets on the AD/HD meds, he'll be less likely to drink. Lots of people with disorders try to self-medicate with booze or drugs. The meds fix what they're trying to fix with booze or drugs.

 

I should educate myself more about ADD in adults - I've learned a lot about children with ADD, but not a lot about adults.

 

This thing about self-medicating is really very true. When my ex-BF was taking his meds he hardly drank at all, but off his meds he drinks a lot more.

 

I do see a lot of good in him, but at times he reveals a truely terrible amount of vicious self-loathing. As if he expects the world to hate him as much as he seems to dislike himself. He is ashamed of his past (the molestation, problems in school, discipline problems) and cannot let go of that shame. I hope he decides to go to counseling one day - just for the molestation. The guy he sees in group for rehab is fixated on talking about drinking stories all the time. I swear I don't think it's healthy for him to go to rehab! He comes back sometimes wanting to drink even more because they sit around swapping drunkard stories.

 

Last night I talked to him and said that he needs to really think about what he has chosed to do, because it won't be easy and nice all the time. He got agitated, and couldn't seem to speak out loud what he wanted to say, and he just picked up and left. I was confused and upset...but 5 minutes later he came back and said he just wanted to be with me, why can't we just do that without having to talk about it right now.

 

Thanks for the advice about dealing with adults with AD/HD....it puts a lot of things in perspective. He does seem genuinely upset and confused about his own behavior a lot of the time.