cocorico Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 Regardless of your situation with MM, whether it seems like it's going somewhere or nowhere at all, regardless of the statistics, I would like to ask OW what does your GUT FEELING say about MM and if you'll end up together or not. Not talking about what you (desperatly) want to believe, but what your gut feeling tells you. I think gut feelings are ALWAYS right, but sometimes it's not what we want to believe...but it's there. What's yours? Your thoughts? I knew we'd be together, once we decided we wanted to be. And we are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 Furthermore the single OW and married AP combination is unique. It brings together a skilled person that knows how to cheat with a naive single OW that is so needy that cannot see red flags. In some cases. There are so many other permutations t would take ages to list them all... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 LOL Single OW = blind to red flags and needy? Alrighty then. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 I know, it's craziness, these assumptions. Yet, if we reverse it - and say BS who stays with WS = blind to red flags and needy, it's WW3. The disconnect is amazing. Yup it's all the ow's fault! Poor innocent ws, poor cheating lying cake eaters. Give me a break, bs stays after many ddays and yet ow is blind. I just wonder if people can breathe with their heads up their a$$? I can't so that's why I took my head out of my a$$ lol. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 (edited) I know, it's craziness, these assumptions. Yet, if we reverse it - and say BS who stays with WS = blind to red flags and needy, it's WW3. The disconnect is amazing. No it's not that amazing! It really isn't. I shared 17 years with my WH we are best friends and always have been. I love my WS like I did when I first met him. Our families have been intermingled for years. Our kids love me and their daddy together. I've stayed after many DDays and you OW here sit here and mock the BS's for staying around. You will never know what it is like to walk in our shoes and I have been an OW, MOW, and a BS. Being a BS has by far been the ****tiest position I have been in yet. It's disgusting to me to laugh at the BS that way. The BS is hoping that her/his M will make it not have to suffer another DDay. I don't know the more I read on hear it just makes my head spin Sorry for all the typos Edited October 7, 2013 by ladydesigner 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LilGirlandOW Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 (1) Is it ok if your MM got separated and never divorced? Would it be paperwork then? (2) I'd say your husband isn't ok with you "dating" since he broke the door down and "almost" pounded your MM into the ground. (1) Yes, absolutely 100% (2) My xH dates, has had 2 gf's since we seperated, that mess of a story would have been better conveyed with more detail. I think I left out a couple key points in my effort to not be too specific. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 (edited) I know, it's craziness, these assumptions. Yet, if we reverse it - and say BS who stays with WS = blind to red flags and needy, it's WW3. The disconnect is amazing. Who really says that though? Seriously. I've seen, but less commonly, on the Infidelity board BSs who have serial cheating spouses, who are still cheating or they've had several ddays and the responses are almost unanimously: WTF? LEAVE HIM! I don't see anyone encouraging such a BS to stay and continue with this situation and it's so great and "we understand" and so on and so forth. A BS who stays with a serial cheater with the evidence in hand has just as many issues as an OW who stays for years waiting, the main difference is, most OW speculate as to what the BS knows or doesn't know and many seem to believe the BS knows about the affair ( although the MM never told), so is just accepting it...when in reality besides for multiple ddays and serial cheating, the average BS does not know a thing about the affair unlike the OW who goes into an affair most times knowing the deal. Most BSs who come here who are reconciling have WSs who are at least pretending to be done with the affair, it is rare that anyone comes here saying this is their 8th dday, he's cheated 10 times before, he may still be cheating, yet I love him and what should I do, and people pat the person on the back and say "Good job! Stay and work it out!" BS and OW are both with a cheater. Period. One willingly and one most times unwillingly and unaware. But even if the BS is aware and turns a blind eye, what makes her different from the OW who has no kids, house, less time and less investment in this man's life, but also chooses to stay with this man, knowing from day one he has a spouse? Please explain the qualitative difference here. Any person who chooses to be with a cheater who continues to cheat is saying a lot...be they OW or BS. Edited October 7, 2013 by MissBee 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Anna-Belle Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 I think Pierre was implying the single OW was needy and naive in the beginning. "It brings together a skilled person that knows how to cheat with a naive single OW that is so needy that cannot see red flags." Why does a single woman getting involved with a married man? Naivete plays a part.. as does neediness. I was naive in the sense that I had no inkling a man who was so totally in love with a woman could still choose to stay with another woman just because he once made vows to her. I learned the hard way that to some men obligation and promises can have a very strong hold on them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 I was naive in the sense that I had no inkling a man who was so totally in love with a woman could still choose to stay with another woman just because he once made vows to her. I learned the hard way that to some men obligation and promises can have a very strong hold on them. When a cheater stays they often stay for reasons other then love of a spouse. Some for money or status or because they know the wife will often put up with more then a single ow will. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 Regardless of your situation with MM, whether it seems like it's going somewhere or nowhere at all, regardless of the statistics, I would like to ask OW what does your GUT FEELING say about MM and if you'll end up together or not. Not talking about what you (desperatly) want to believe, but what your gut feeling tells you. I think gut feelings are ALWAYS right, but sometimes it's not what we want to believe...but it's there. What's yours? Your thoughts? I never thought we'd end up together and we're almost a year into our new and improved R. My gut feeling said we wouldn't make it and it was wrong. I think you're right about what we so desperately want to believe sometimes. It's tough to balance having faith and being silly sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 My exMM stayed for his children, for sure. But you bringing up that OW will often not put up with what the BS will is, I think, true on a lot of levels. I know that I was much harder on exMM than his wife ever thought of being. He made mention a few times of it, so he noticed it too. I wonder if there is some sort of statistic about this somewhere? As in, MM who have affairs with women who are much different from their wives - maybe more independent, stronger boundaries, less willing to put up with certain things? As I do often hear OWs say that they would never continue with a man that had an affair on them? I have found the exact opposite to be true. Many OWs seem to put up with many things the wife would never dream of. The most glaring being going in to a relationship initially with full knowledge that MM is sharing his bed with another woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 My exMM stayed for his children, for sure. But you bringing up that OW will often not put up with what the BS will is, I think, true on a lot of levels. I know that I was much harder on exMM than his wife ever thought of being. He made mention a few times of it, so he noticed it too. I wonder if there is some sort of statistic about this somewhere? As in, MM who have affairs with women who are much different from their wives - maybe more independent, stronger boundaries, less willing to put up with certain things? As I do often hear OWs say that they would never continue with a man that had an affair on them? Most former OW here, look back at their affair and with hindsight regret that they were not more independent, had not enforeced stronger boundaries, and had put up with so much less than they deserved. You said yourself that you knew your affair was an abusive relationship in which you felt you had no willpower, that he walked all over you & that you were a powerless and let it happen for 8 years. Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 My gut feeling told me something was off. I didn't pay attention. Next time I will follow my instincts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 I am not mocking BSs for staying - I am mocking BSs that stay and then say in the same breath that OWs are needy and desperate for participating. If you love him, why is it hard to believe that someone else might love him? I have also been a BS - and I agree, it was far worse than being the OW - agreed. It's not hard for me to believe why someone might love him. I know MOW loved him. Hell I even know my WH loved her. My WH will not admit that he loved her and his lying just makes it harder for me to see him in any positive light. I guess I am upset at the destruction of my family. It will never be the same and that is solely resting on my WS at the moment. His last A rocked my world pretty damn good. I either wake up wanting to divorce him or love him. I guess I have issues too which is why i am in therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 My exMM stayed for his children, for sure. But you bringing up that OW will often not put up with what the BS will is, I think, true on a lot of levels. I know that I was much harder on exMM than his wife ever thought of being. He made mention a few times of it, so he noticed it too. I wonder if there is some sort of statistic about this somewhere? As in, MM who have affairs with women who are much different from their wives - maybe more independent, stronger boundaries, less willing to put up with certain things? As I do often hear OWs say that they would never continue with a man that had an affair on them? Well in our sitch (and I'm sorry ladies if I am always coming off as the BS it's just the conversations on here have me intrigued ), I was more independent, had stronger boundaries, and I put up with less. My WH told me after Dday that he felt like I didn't need him and in a sense he was right. I make enough to support myself and the kids. I have been a single mom in this M due to his type of work. I didn't need him, I needed him emotionally and he wasn't there. It has always been one-sided. MOW was abused by her BS , and we have proof of that, and my WH consoled her and helped her through it. They spent most of their time working together and eventually fell in love. I understand how it happened. What WH told me was that MOW needed him and he liked that feeling. It's something I never even realized bothered him. Link to post Share on other sites
Anna-Belle Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 But why did you get involved with him from the beginning? A married, unavailable man? Most women know NOT to get involved with a married man either for moral reasons or because it almost never works out in the end. That's the naive part.. either you had not been informed of that by fellow women or you thought your relationship would be different. But it wasn't. I don't cherish marriage, I don't cherish vows, so to me it was a married, available man I was dating, whom I expected to leave his wife within the year, because who stays with one woman when he is in love with another just because he once promised her to? That was not within my sphere of experience. I didn't think my relationship would be different than others I had seen, since most of what I'd seen up to then was either the EMR ending quickly or the marriage ending. I hadn't seen long term EMRs. That was not something I anticipated could happen. Yes, men are very much bound by duty. And he probably loves his wife, too. If he hated her, he'd leave. Yes, he loves his wife too but he has left her now, so I think it's safe to say he loved her like a family member and me as his romantic partner. Link to post Share on other sites
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