Married 16 years, but feel single.

[Daisy2013]

Hi. Apologies for the length. As the title says, I've been married 16 years. He is 4 years younger than I. We got married because I got pregnant and we got along well. His 1st, my 2nd. My 1st serious relationship following my divorce and he adopted my young daughter from the 1st marriage. First H was a loser druggie, I just didn't know it, he hid it well.

 

From the beginning, I feel as if I've never been a priority. Never. He has never left his family of origin. He will stop at his mom's or his sister's house to have beer with BIL for hours several times per week after work, without letting me know. He knows it upsets me. He's got a good, large tight-nit family, I want him to visit, but to practically live there..... Then there are the weekends, same thing.

 

He is always willing to help them or a friend, but doesn't take care of our business. We have desperate house repairs. I beg him to budget with me to fix it as I can't do it alone. He won't.

 

We never date, I can count on one hand the times we've been out. He can't afford to take me out. He won't do things that I like, but I've tried to do things he likes. I offer to pay when I can, but have many expenses (mortgage, school tuition, etc.). He tells me to "do what you want, I trust you." To get a life, that he doesn't care what I do.

 

He is basically a good guy, I don't know what is wrong. There is no emotional intimacy. He doesn't even know me. Sex? I don't want it. Recently, when he asked what happened to me as I used to be quite sexual, I tried to explain, and he got mad. I didn't blame him, it was neutral talk. I never tried to be open again.

 

He once told my daughter (18) that he never wanted to get married, just wanted the single life. He could truly be happy single and drinking beer and hanging with his family. He's simple. I grew up and want to live like adults. We are in our 40's. He drinks a lot of beer. He will come home tanked, but not stumbling drunk. But has that "look." I don't drink.

 

Recently I had an affair. I fell in love. I didn't look for it and never thought of having one. I sit at home and never go out with friends. Not interested in the single or night life. This was a friend of many years who hit on me out of the blue and things grew. I was so lonely and vulnerable. But I was wrong, and accept responsibility. We didn't have sex. It is over. But, for the first time, I fell in love and experienced love in an intimate way. I can't discuss with my husband so that we can fix this because he would walk. Based on the conversation I tried to have about my issues in our M, I know he is not capable of serious talk.

 

I think I want out, but am afraid. I do love him, but nothing seems right. No matter what I do, nothing changes. He still doesn't come home or put our family first. Don't think he is having an A, I think he would just leave. Tonight, he is still not home from work, it's been 3 hours. He is at his sister's, I guess. If I tell him it upsets me, he won't care.

 

I believe M is forever. I've messed up along the way. I just don't know what to do to fix this and get him to want to be part of our family.

 

I wish I knew his side, there are 2 to every story. But all I get is "yes I love you." But he will curse me and say "F" you when mad. Even called me the "C" word. I would love to know what I do to make him unhappy.

 

I feel stupid posting this. My Christian friend says to trust God to work and not to look for happiness from man. But, I am human, have hung on for years, and am lonely. Just don't know if at this age it is worth starting over.

[2sunny]

I would suggest you get a job and earn money so that you can support yourself at this juncture.

 

The M looks odd, empty and neglected. You are part to blame since there are two people in this M.

 

If it's sucks that bad - and you don't feel a partnership and don't see things changing - then why not be on your own- since you feel alone?

[Daisy2013]

I would suggest you get a job and earn money so that you can support yourself at this juncture.

 

The M looks odd, empty and neglected. You are part to blame since there are two people in this M.

 

If it's sucks that bad - and you don't feel a partnership and don't see things changing - then why not be on your own- since you feel alone?

 

Hi, thanks. Actually, I do work and earn great income ... in a professional field and earn about $20k more than he does. I just don't have much of it at my disposal as I carry most of the financial burden.

 

I haven't left as I wanted a family and to raise my children in a 2 parent home. And marriage is supposed to be forever. Now that they are almost grown, I'm feeling it. I guess I am just lamenting. I know it takes 2, he's just never been available to be the other half. I wish he would tell me why. But I'm pretty sure it's just the way he is. He says so. Just wants the simple life and to hang out.

[2sunny]

Hi, thanks. Actually, I do work and earn great income ... in a professional field and earn about $20k more than he does. I just don't have much of it at my disposal as I carry most of the financial burden.

 

I haven't left as I wanted a family and to raise my children in a 2 parent home. And marriage is supposed to be forever. Now that they are almost grown, I'm feeling it. I guess I am just lamenting. I know it takes 2, he's just never been available to be the other half. I wish he would tell me why. But I'm pretty sure it's just the way he is. He says so. Just wants the simple life and to hang out.

 

You bought that lie that M is forever?

 

And if you REALLY believed everything the world teaches us - you wouldn't have chosen an affair.

 

Stop picking what to believe based on what others tell you.

 

That "Christian man" doesn't act like one. Neither do you.

 

And your H acts single.

 

Write down all the things you are "thinking of how things should be" based on the lies you were raised with.

 

Then write down all the actions you've done that don't support what you were taught.

 

Do the same for your H.

 

Do the same for your MM.

 

If/since the M doesn't look like you're married- why stay?

 

Not for the kids! You've now modeled a VERY unhealthy marital role model for them. Expect them to choose a partner who offers little to them too. That's what you've shown them is acceptable in a marriage.

 

There's no time like the present to begin living and being happy.

 

You don't like it? - divorce - the only reason you need to give at this point is "I feel alone and unhappy".

[Ronni_W]

Daisy,

I do understand how you were feeling lonely and vulnerable enough for the affair to look very attractive even if only offering temporary respite.

 

You may find interesting/helpful articles and info at MarriageBuilders.com

 

TBH, yours does not sound like a true "2-parent home" -- your post is not referencing too much if any love, trust, encouragement, support, happiness, joy, laughter, emotional openness, sense of being safe, protected, genuine communication or spiritual sustenance. But of course only you can assess what it is that your children are gaining and how you each and all are benefiting in the situation as it stands.

 

You may at some point come to conclusion that divorce may be the best recourse for yourself and others concerned.

 

I do wish you the very best...certainly not an easy time or decisions to be made lightly.

[Daisy2013]

Daisy,

I do understand how you were feeling lonely and vulnerable enough for the affair to look very attractive even if only offering temporary respite.

 

You may find interesting/helpful articles and info at MarriageBuilders.com

 

TBH, yours does not sound like a true "2-parent home" -- your post is not referencing too much if any love, trust, encouragement, support, happiness, joy, laughter, emotional openness, sense of being safe, protected, genuine communication or spiritual sustenance. But of course only you can assess what it is that your children are gaining and how you each and all are benefiting in the situation as it stands.

 

You may at some point come to conclusion that divorce may be the best recourse for yourself and others concerned.

 

I do wish you the very best...certainly not an easy time or decisions to be made lightly.

 

 

Thanks for the site, will look at it. No, there are none of those things in our M. I've tried, I've wondered. I stuck in this because my closest friend is a Christian marriage counselor and has been telling me for years to not look to him, but to God. That when I release my H for happiness and release my desires and allow God to fulfill me, I will be okay, regardless, if I do. That M is not about us, but unconditional love to our partner that God gives us. It hasn't worked for me. I'm Christian, but obviously a very carnal one. But I will never be like her. Nothing got better, and I shut down. Now I'm told I've messed up my kids by them seeing this R. I've tried so hard, yet have failed.

[Mr. Lucky]

Hi, thanks. Actually, I do work and earn great income ... in a professional field and earn about $20k more than he does. I just don't have much of it at my disposal as I carry most of the financial burden.

Why aren't your incomes combined and the expenses jointly paid ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sunny]

Why do you settle for carrying all the debt and burden? And have to claim bankruptcy when he seems to live a care free life without obligations and worries?

[Daisy2013]

Why aren't your incomes combined and the expenses jointly paid ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

We just started out that way and I've never been able to convince him to go joint. I pay mortgage, tuition and kids' expenses, and he is responsible for groceries, utilities.... We pay our eon cars and insurance. I've asked him to go joint and we could sit together and budget and do a lot better. Our income is decent.

[Daisy2013]

Why do you settle for carrying all the debt and burden? And have to claim bankruptcy when he seems to live a care free life without obligations and worries?

 

Wrong thread? No BK here, I have good credit, although high debt. I'd get a second job b/f BK.

 

I carry the burden bc he just can't seem to pay his bills. If the mortgage were left to him, it wouldn't get paid. I've actually offered him to pay it and allow me to pay the bills and food, etc. We would be better off that way. He's always working if not hanging with his family, yet never has money.

[2sunny]

Wrong thread? No BK here, I have good credit, although high debt. I'd get a second job b/f BK.

 

I carry the burden bc he just can't seem to pay his bills. If the mortgage were left to him, it wouldn't get paid. I've actually offered him to pay it and allow me to pay the bills and food, etc. We would be better off that way. He's always working if not hanging with his family, yet never has money.

 

Oops, yes - sorry.

 

He's irresponsible and creates the same mindset as raising a child.

 

How do you respect a spouse that lives like a child?

[Ronni_W]

...has been telling me for years to not look to him, but to God. That when I release my H for happiness and release my desires and allow God to fulfill me.... That M is not about us, but unconditional love to our partner that God gives us.

You did say your marriage vows in front of god, yes...but you each/both made those vows to each other, human to human. Unconditional love is a spiritual concept and, much as we'd like to think otherwise, at this stage is yet only possible between god and human (not between human and human...we don't know how to do it properly yet...due to power struggles and ego and day-to-day grinds and stresses getting in our way.)

 

God is not going to fulfill us in our human relationships...we, through our vows and promises, show our intention to be there for each other, offering love, support, encouragement, friendship, companionship, sexual relations, etc., etc., in effort to help with such fulfillment.

 

If aspects of the vows and promises are not upheld by one or both parties; if the contract is broken at some point, and causing the opposite of love, the opposite of what marriage stands for and of what a loving god might want for us...

[2sunny]

You said he was a druggy. Alcohol is a drug - he hasn't changed.

 

Drugs stunt the emotional growth... What was his prior drug of choice before the alcohol?