Can I fix this faster?

[monkeymaid]

My ex and I broke up almost 2 weeks ago. The first week we were NC, and then I broke down to go see her. I admitted to having most of the fault and though I know ...basically here is the letter:

 

Dear ex,

 

We were in this relationship for a long damn time. We have been through some hard ****, and somehow, we always came out on top (or at least on the side) and still together. I remember that first breakup. I wasn't emotionally ready to handle a relationship that I knew would blossom being with you. I wasn't in a place to give the love I knew you needed. Within the week that we were apart, I realized that you were amazing, and that you loved me more than I knew could ever be possible. It made me fall harder and somehow gave me the strength and courage to let go of being hurt. I wasn't asking you to love me or to show me how to save me from myself, but it happened. You always wondered how I was able to stay with you through your depression episodes, but it really was as easy as loving you. I was not the most emotionally available person for a long time, but you had me. I tried doing what I could for you and you did what you could for me, but we didn't do what we could for ourselves. Looking back, it was as if I was deaf and you were blind, and we complemented each other perfectly. I was able to lead you around using my vision and expose you to the adventure that I tried to experience on my own and you followed gleefully in love. You were able to fill in all that I couldn't hear and showed me the beauty of the world and what it means to create a personal connection to someone. You gave me a different way to experience sounds.

 

I hate not realizing or at least not accepting that I might be having a problem till after something like this, especially, when I realize how much I am hurting, and how much I've hurt you. I wish that I did not cause so much pain. I signed up for therapy, and have been working through a CBT program to try and get a handle on my feelings related to your dancing and jealousy in general. I didn't know, but morbid jealousy is actually a thing. I dont know if is that or ptsd or something else, but its something. Ive learned that my emotions are grounded in reality and normal given my history with people in general. I have been through so much in my life, that my views on relationships are far askew from normality. When it relates to a loving partnership sort of relationship, I have sort of narrowed it down and figured out that dancing is the trigger for me getting into that blinded by emotion state that I cannot control. I did do my best to get a hold of it, but in the end i failed. It just kept getting worse and worse. After doing the research, I am so thankful that I am a "get sad" type of person and not a get mad type of person. When I accepted the fact that my uncontrollable feelings were probably the biggest factor in all of this,something slipped out of my mouth (not teeth like that horrible actor). Sitting alone and through tears came the words, "I'm Sorry". I wanted to tell you but I just didn't/don't know how to tell you that I am sorry. It isn't all emotion and crazy because I still disagree with it in the first place, but for the last few months, my feelings were definitely not manageable when they should have been. I realize that I ****ed up and am still trying to process it all.

 

I have this inner struggle to either simply talk to you or leave you alone so you can get over me and live a "happier than i have been able to offer" life. I am by no means ignoring the fact that I want to be a happy person in my day-to-day life, so please don't think that I only have you in my mind. I haven't lost site of the bigger picture. I still want both of us to be happy whether that be together or apart. I know now that I couldn't keep dragging you through the mud though, as the fact that I was bringing you down just made me feel worse about everything (my life). I am looking for a different job currently, and volunteered for the night shift at *,y work* (but that doesn't start till the end of october) just simply for the money. I will be getting an almost 2 dollar an hour raise. I am still saving for a trip, and I have worked out 9 times in the last 5 days. …Told you I would workout like a retard

 

Maybe it is wrong of me to tell you, but Im going to anyway, because I have the song "Say What You Need to Say" stuck in my head. I think about the future and you are still in it. I think about a ring on MY finger that YOU put there, and I see little You/Mes running around.I think about having the ability to make you literally the happiest person on earth. I just keep dreaming and you are always there. I keep finding myself with a smile on my face because in my heart you are still standing next to me, and I can still love you. When I go to eat or head to the beach or hike or whatever, I literally see you smiling with your saggy bottoms (lol). I don't know what the future holds for me as far as therapy and personal demons, but I know what I want to happen and that is to end up with you. You are hands down the best woman Ive ever met. When I think about relative happiness, I think about you cuddled up next to me and in my thoughts, for that brief moment, it is enough. I hope you are doing OK and figuring out how to enjoy yourself again. I really am sorry, from the depths of my insides, about this pain. I promise that I am going to do my best to get myself worked out and back to you as a whole and complete person. Hopefully you still feel the same way about me when I get there. I really am trying. I miss you so much.

 

 

I also went to see her after literally driving up next to her and her brother about 3 minutes after sending the email (pure coincidence). I think it was cathartic for her and she was really happy (so it seemed). We just held each other for 2 hours talking about nothing and joking. She then got mad at me because she was supposed to go out, but ended up losing track of time. I made a gracious exit and excused myself for staying so long.

 

 

more in next post

[monkeymaid]

3 days later, I asked her mom if I could drop of her paddleboard to her house. she said ok, so i did. I then got this in response to the emai I sent her:

 

I know you said I didn't need to reply to your email but I didn't want you to think that I read your email and didn't think anything of it or didn't care enough to reply. I also wanted to wait a few days before I replied so I could come off my high of seeing you and think more clearly. I don't know about you, but after having seen you I've felt this heavy weight lift off me. I don't know if it's because I was able to see you again after thinking I might never see you again, or if it's because there is still some hope for us.

 

 

First of all, I'm so incredibly proud of you for acknowledging there is a problem and doing something about it. I know it's hard to admit when we have a problem and it's even harder to take the steps to change it. I don't think we've had the opportunity to be our best selves in our relationship. You're not the only one who has demons to attack and things to figure out. I realize that I often lose myself in relationships and try so hard to become a person that works best to be compatible with the other person. You know how I am never able to just sit by myself and be with my own thoughts. I realize that it's because in those moments I'm not satisfied with the person I am. Not that I don't like myself, but I don't know myself well enough. I'm pretty confident in stating that I know you better than I know myself. That's a serious problem. Because I was fighting deep depression from 15 years old to 21/22 years old, I never had the opportunity to go through what most people do during those ages... which is the process of figuring out who I am.

 

 

I think that we both need time to work on ourselves without the pressure of trying to make the other person happy. I don't think either of us could make any significant changes while still in a relationship with one another. As much as I miss you and think about you, I know that this is the best thing for both of us right now.

 

 

I don't want you to think that I don't see a future between us because I still do. I still imagine us going on vacation together and traveling. I see us cooking dinners together and watching movies while cuddling on the couch. I just know we both have a lot of work to do to get to a place where we can be complete on our own and not complete when we are together. I honestly don't know how long that will take but I think that this month will be a good start to figure out what we each need to do. I just don't want us to jump back into a relationship too quickly because as scared as I am of losing you, I more scared of losing myself. It sounds cliche, but it's true.

 

 

I think the most heartbreaking thing after last Sunday was the thought of never talking to you or seeing you again. That was the most devastating thing for me. I kept thinking how I wished I had hugged you longer or kissed you one last time. I hope you weren't mad at yourself after you left here on Saturday night because you helped ease so much of of that pain.

 

 

Most of all I want you to be happy, like you said, with me or without me. You have been through so much in life. It makes me mad at how much **** life has thrown your way because I think you are amazing and deserve only happiness and success.

 

 

I look forward to talking to you at the end of the month and hearing how you have been because I think about you everyday and wonder how you are. I'm sure you're working hard (at work, on yourself, at the gym) and I hope you know I am proud of you for all of that. It takes a strong man to admit when he has things to work on. I have a lot to work on too and I know that. I miss you and am excited to talk to you at the end of the month and see where we both are.

 

 

I know that I've said a lot and maybe nothing at the same time but that's just what is going through my mind and I figured you should know where I am / what I'm thinking at this moment in time.

 

 

PS: I know you dropped off the paddleboard tonight and I felt a bit hurt when I saw it. I thought we agreed not to give anything back yet. Kind of felt like you were sending a message but not the good kind. Have you changed your mind? Maybe you can text me back and let me know what the deal is with that.

[monkeymaid]

She also texted and called me about the paddleboard at 6am the following morning (she knows I work at 5am) asking if I have changed my mind.

 

I called her back and let her know that I needed it out of my house as there is nowhere to hide a giant 10 foot surfboard that her and I have spent so many memories with. Besides, its her and she should have something with that kind of value. It was like we didnt skip a beat when we spoke (clearly we are comfortable and know eachother very well). I cut the conversation short because I needed to get back to work, but it was all smiles.

 

The last few days, I have been a mess. im all over the place worse than Seabiscuit. Ive been mad, sad, numb, accepting, bargaining, and every where else I can imagine.

 

I am seeing a therapist and working through many issues. I know that will take time. My question is, what is going to be the best way to make this work.

 

original breakup thread/story here

 

I know that is long, so thanks for reading.

[r321148]

Wow that's a hard story.

The first thing is well done for seeking help and working on your issues. It takes a lot of strength to do this. I hope that you continue to heal and find a better place in your life.

 

Secondly regarding your question. I know it's not what you want to hear but there is no quick fix. She will (or won't) come around when she is ready. I liked your letter; it sounded genuine and I think it will have done you no harm. Her response was also very positive. But now you've apologised and said you are working on your issues you need to do exactly that.

She knows you're sorry, she knows you still feel for her, she knows you are trying to correct your faults. There is nothing else to say now, you just have to leave it in her hands to make the decision. It may take some time but in this instance I feel like that might be a good thing for you. You need to take this time on your own to improve your own standing and your own issues. Space from her means that you can shift your focus back onto yourself safe in the knowledge that you have done everything you can to give the relationship the best shot for the future. If and when she is ready she will reach out to you but she needs to make that decision on her own. I don't see any real reason why you can't maintain low contact with her. A text/call here and there to see how she's doing but just be careful not to talk about any heavy stuff or set your expectations too high. If this is too painful (it may prove to be) then you will need to cut contact all together for a while. You can explain to her why you're doing it and she should understand (she sounds quite understanding from her reply email).

 

Best of luck. I hope you find happiness

[monkeymaid]

Thank you for the reply it helped more than you can imagine. I am losing hope daily and going out of my head crazy.

 

Im still in that headspace where I dont even care to get help if it doesnt lead me back to her. Everything I do is a logical behavior because if I feel anything, I just go numb or break down. I work out way more than I should. ...Im down 15 lbs in 2 weeks (I have over 30 I could lose) Eat perfectly, and lose myself in work.

 

I am afraid to contact her just to say hi because I know I will turn into a needy douche and because I told her that I wouldnt talk to her for at least 30 days.

 

I am studying my butt off for another raise at work, and also have some other studying to do on the side for a program that I was accepted to earlier this year.

 

I am using therapy to figure out how to be social and make friends as well as my jealousy/abandonment/insecurities/other deep seeded childhood issues.

 

My question is has anyone here ever been succesful?

 

I dont want to accept that this may not be possible. It has to be possible! It is possible and I HAVE to do this.

 

Again, thank you for the reply. I know this is long as he-ll.

 

Any other musings on this?

[r321148]

Im still in that headspace where I dont even care to get help if it doesnt lead me back to her.

This is bad. You need to be focusing on yourself right now. There's nothing else you can do as far as she is concerned and your own health and happiness has to come first.

I understand what you mean as I've been there, it's not easy but it does get better.

If you feel like you can't trust yourself to contact her then don't. If you feel like you will be needy you will do more harm than good and it's better to not contact her. I think in your case you should let her know that's what you're doing though and the reasons for it (if you haven't already).

It's good that you are studying hard and getting help.

 

As for it being possible. Yes of course it's possible. Lots of couples break up and get back together. The email exchange between you was positive and at some point when you're both in a better place she may come round.

You need to not be thinking about this though as there is also the possibility that she won't. You need to get yourself to the stage where she is a lovely addition to your life if it happens but not an absolute necessity to your happiness. Your life now needs to be about you even if that seems selfish. You can't change her mind but you can improve yourself so focus on the things within your control and it will give everything else a much better opportunity of working out.

Good luck

[monkeymaid]

Not sure what to do about this. I am NC at the moment, but damn I am feeling withdrawals and am having a hard time. Im seeing 2 therapists now, but cant seem to live my day without hope.We slept together Saturday night, and she told me that she felt bad, but she was just using me. I got all of the affection I was so hoping to get, but by yesterday, reality had set in again, and I realized that I still dont have her. She sent me this email Sunday (the day after):

 

I saw the book on the table this morning and realized I forgot to thank you for it... so thanks! It was hard waking up at 8 and fighting the instinct to turn over and text you good morning.

 

I'm still trying to sort out my feelings about all of this which is why I need time. The fact that you are seeing two people to get help does give me hope that things could be different. It's hard to see you working hard to become a better person and not being there for you. At the same time, I know that that I am still hurt from our relationship and need time to heal and become a whole person. I am scared that jumping back into this relationship too fast will cause us to revert to our old tendencies. On my end, I need to become stronger and more secure so that I have stronger boundaries. I haven't lost hope that this can work again, and I just needed to remind you of that.

 

 

Also, I turned on my computer to do studying and it opened up to your website. Thanks for that. I can't promise I won't photo-stalk you.

 

 

I'm trying to study and not think about you but it's so difficult. I miss you already. I guess if I can't focus on studying I can always go and clean my sheets

 

 

 

 

To which I replied 2 days later with:

 

lol. Did you get the sheets cleaned? You are welcome for the book, I figured it would give you closure in regards to the adventure of Ewan and Charlie.

 

It's hard to wake up everyday at 5 and resist the urge to text you too, but I imagine you wearing nothing except my Plaid shirt when you read the text so that makes things easier. ...I know you need your time. You are going to take the time you need and walk your path how you feel will be best for you, and I understand that. Thank you for reminding me that you still have hope. I realize that even if when we are comfortable it will take time, and I am prepared for that.

 

My company was bought out by another larger company, and we got a little bonus for the merge, so that is nice. I wont be moving to the night shift though, because there is more exposure opportunity in the day, and I will be taking the test for the next level of Tech in 2 months, meaning a raise anyway. I am learning that all good things take time. just an update on me.

 

I miss you too, but damnit, You need to study and stay focused!! I mean if you need to, there are some fun toys in your room that I would be happy to show you how to use but otherwise stick your nose in that book! These shrink make $200 or more an hour. That is a lot of trips!

[monkeymaid]

My problem is, I feel needy and sad and missing her, and like I have a gaping hole that I keep open for her. I cant go 5 minutes without checking my phone or having hope spring up in my mind, but there is still no call.

 

Is this false hope?

 

What do you all do when you feel like this? Like the only thing that can make you feel better is her(/him)

 

 

 

As an aside though, I have realized that I am going to therapy for me now and not her, so thats good.

[Simon Phoenix]

No. There is no way to speed up, or even spark, your ex to reconcile with you. It's on her. You can only harm the process.

[organizedchaos]

Be cool. Don't push.

[thora-tiki]

Great job in going to therapy and working on yourself, monkeymaid!

 

Don't do it for her.

Yes. Do it for you. Or you will fail.

 

I too go to a cognitive behavioral therapist - my therapist rocks! -

I bet your therapist probably would say:

that you need to focus on you to recover.

 

Think about the ex as the limping zebra on animal planet (documents), that gets eaten by the lion/alligator when the zebra stops to drink some water.

 

Do you see the other healthy zebras try to help the limping zebra?

 

No.

 

They run - away.

 

Because they know if they stay, and try to help,

they'll be sucked in and killed/eaten.

 

This will happen to you too, if you reconnect too soon,

you both get killed/eaten by the lion/alligator.

 

Hah!

 

Right now you are where everyone starts out after a break up,

in the «panic phase» where you try to foresee the future,

and figure everything out overnight,

and this just makes you even more confused - so stop it.

Also stop having sex with her, put the vagina down, hah, and go, no run, to a supportive friend.

 

People change, yes. But we do not change after a month or three.

 

Just look at all of us here trying to make it.

We are taking it a day at a time and slowly making progress.

Right now you are living in the past.

 

Nothing lives in the past. It is like visiting a cemetery.

You pay your respects, acknowledge your time together and move on with life.

 

By reading your thread,

I am getting the feeling you are forgetting YOU in all of this.

 

So, be selfish:

You WILL heal.

 

Hook up with other members and get as much support as you can for the roller coaster ride.

 

Get through each and every day, one at a time,

and try not to focus on the reasons your ex did what she did,

or why you did what you did.

 

This time you take for you and you alone.

 

It is time to be selfish for a while.

 

You have to concern yourself with getting strong again and then you can decide if you want to pursue a reconnection,

coming from a place of strength - not a place of confusion and hurt.

 

This is a crucial time for you and your recovery,

and you are using this time on her.

 

Something I know she don't want you to.

 

How will this (you two sleeping together) solve anything (get you better, make you evolve)?

 

It is like this:

«Hmm. I want to learn French.

Ok, this is what I'll do: no practicing,

skip all my classes,

only watch Norwegian or English films,

stick my fingers in my ears whenever I hear French people on the street

or French music.»

 

After many months doing this:

«What the hell? I still can't say anything in French!

Why can't I learn French?»

Obviously someone who tells you (and this was just a few days ago?):

«At the same time, I know that that I am still hurt from our relationship and need time to heal and become a whole person.

I am scared that jumping back into this relationship too fast will cause us to revert to our old tendencies»

Isn't ready to start the reconnecting phase with you - so no one's ready.

 

Also, it has only been a month since the break up.

Again, I applaud you for doing so much work on you, but it is still early days (since the break up).

Who knows where you'll be in 3-6 months?!

 

I really think you should give her, and you, a complete time out -

start no contact.

 

She needs longer than a month to evolve -

something she is trying to tell you.

You also need this time apart.

 

She will maybe take longer time to evolve

(i. e. not feeling hurt, not living in the past. She too has to let go of the old failed relationship, etc.),

it's the name of the game.

So when you are emotionally ready, in 6 maybe months time -

even then - wait another month or two, just to be sure.

 

We evolve faster then they do. We have to be patient.

 

If you just focus on the reconnection phase, you will fail.

 

You must be emotionally ready to reconnect with the ex, hell,

you must be emotionally ready to even date.

As long as you don't give up - you will succeed.

 

You will get your life back with or without your ex.

 

You can't make your ex come back.

 

And you shouldn't feel that you have to have your ex back either.

 

I believe once you have your life back, and are moving on from the past,

your ex will come back - if they want to.

 

Here is a quote (I have many) that helped me during no contact:

 

«If you learn to let go and open that closed fist,

then, and only then can better things be put into your hand.»

 

Translate this into:

If you don't let go completely of your ex and your past broken relationship,

there'll be no room for a new wonderful and unbroken relationship.

 

Also, you said you are feeling strange or needy or sad or irritated etc.

 

When I used to feel like this, I would tell myself (every day, actually):

You are feeling this way because you are evolving.

That is what feels so strange (or other adjective).

 

Hope the above helps you to keep things in perspective.

[StyleOnEm]

Wow, tiki. That was incredible. Thank you for sharing a piece of your mind. That was very inspiring.

[monkeymaid]

Holy crap Tiki, I am printing that up and putting it in my wallet. I seriously want to give you a hug, and I am a 225lb well muscled male ready to bear hug the **** out of you.

 

The same amount of missing I have for my ex is the amount of thanks I have for what you have written me. This is one of those things where words really cant express how much the perspective you have given me means.

 

Its so clear and concise!

 

THANK YOU SO FREAKING MUCH!!!!!

[thora-tiki]

Thank you for saying that, StyleOnEm and monkeymaid.

 

Whenever I read something inspirational, sweet or fun on here, I copy paste it, and have it in my phone. Easy access.

 

This last post from you is definitely going into my phone!

 

I am blushing and smiling all at once in front of my Mac.

 

I love a good hug, especially a bear hug,

so I can't wait for that hug, monkeymaid.

[monkeymaid]

Cant shake this gut feeling that she isnt coming back.

[Simon Phoenix]

Cant shake this gut feeling that she isnt coming back.

 

She probably isn't, and that's the way you should approach it. Move forward thinking she won't and if she surprises you, then deal with it when and if that happens.

[AnyaNova]

I hope it is okay, if I bring some of the things we talked about on my thread, here, because I think that they are relevant.

 

On that thread, you gave me some very wise, but very tough advice, that at this point, my ex was not my issue, and I needed to let him go.

 

I think that this would be wise advice here.

 

Being on the other side of these kind of attachment issues, it is extremely painful. Again, if you are still struggling with depression it could be easy to lapse into guilt, please don't, that is not where I am going with this. I think by now you've probably paid your penance and 10,000 times more in guilt.

 

As much as I'd like to think (at least during my relapse/vitamin and happy brain chemical post glutening crash--this could change in a few days)that if my ex came back and said, "I'm in therapy, this is why I did x,y, and z, I'm sorry, and I want to get back together again," that I would give him another chance if there wasn't someone new in the picture(again, before my crash, I was completely against that). I also know that I am very sure that I would be very, very wary of trusting my heart to him again. Not so much because of the breakup, but what happened after.

 

It would be so hard to trust him, no matter how much I love? loved? him.

 

I am not saying these things to wound, but to suggest where your ex might likely be at. She may still love you, and wish she could give you another chance. But it is also highly likely, that depending on how wounded she was with the breakup and what happened before, she may not be able to trust you again.

 

Also, take time, as much time as you need, and then a year or so more with good therapy and solid work (unless you and your therapist completely agree together that you are ready) to work on yourself before getting into another relationship with her, or anyone.

 

You know what hell this has been for you. You have gotten a glimpse of what it is like from the other side, too.

 

Take care of yourself and make sure that you are fully or very nearly fully healed, first.

 

And yes, she may have moved on by then, but you will be best equipped by doing so, to be able to be a good mate for her or if she has moved on, someone else.

 

And please forgive me if I have said anything that has already been said, or obviated by information given between the OP and the rest of the messages. I begin class today at 8:00 a.m., and finish my last class at 9 p.m., So as far as I know, I could be speaking in Swahili, or Mandarin Chinese by pure quantum and failure of attention accident.

 

I hope you are feeling better. Most of us here know how rough it is. :-)

[monkeymaid]

Thanks Anya. Today in therapy I came to the relization through a clear mind that I may have made a hasty decision, but it might still have been right (still not sure but the possibility is there). I did catalyze my breakup, but she agreed taht we both werent happy and somehow we needed to get that way. I clearly am not happy yet as I harbor a lot of guilt because going into my breakup, I was consciously aware that I have broken up out of fear in the past.. This one was pure exhaustion. I have a fundamental problem with my significant other dancing so sexually with other men. Sharing that flirtatious and suggestive body movement, hands intertwined, and eyes meeting is too much for me to accept. She always claimed that it was just salsa dancing, but I see it as disrespectful especially when I told her that I saw it as disrespectful and that I get an overwhelming feeling of jealousy that I cant control. I told her this 2 years ago and she understood then. She decided to take it up this year and for the life of me I dont quite understand what possessed her to. To each their own I guess. I loved her enough to stand by her through depression, joblessness, in and out of psychiatrists, and such low energy that she slept for 14-16 hours a day. I moved to Louisiana so I could make money so that we could still stay together. I waited for her while she took a 4 months trip to South East Asia. I stood by her and always stayed cheerful when she almost decided to give up and start cutting herself agian. I was always there through all of her hardships.

 

My guilt stems from pushing her away so that she could be happy when I couldnt break almost 4 months of depression and constant fighting over the same thing (dancing salsa). By the end I was so worn down that I didnt know what else to do. I would cry at home and she would go out dancing. Im glad that she is better now, but what about me. I gave myself up to try and keep her happy and make it work, but she wasnt and it didnt.

 

I want it to work, I really do, but she saw me as controlling and she has such a weak personality, and I have such a strong one that once her therapist put that in her head, there was no way to fix it. I think I loathe her therapist because A, she isnt a real pyschologist, she is a hypnotherapist, and B she told my ex that I might be abusive. I dont see the abusive part the way she sees it. I was strong for her, and I have tried to be the rock as best as I could. I think the abuse was when told her that I refused to argue about that same subject again because I wasnt going back in that circle with her so I froze her out as long as she kept talking about the dancing. I got so firm on it that I stopped listening and just flat out didnt talk to her when she tried approaching the subject.

 

I just keep thinking that if I had gone to see a therapist to get rid of the jealousy (or at least control it), then I would still be with her. I dont know right now. Maybe this was for the best? Maybe I made a mistake and effed it up again. I dont really know. Either way this also catalyzed me going to therapy so for that I am grateful. It will give me insights and lenses to view the world from that I desparately need.

 

Its a nice thought to think that the normal and functioning side of me made a correct decision and that this breakup may not have been strictly out of fear. ...I know that may sound crazy, but it is comforting to hear that I may have been moving forward in my emotional maturity more than I thought I was. I still need so much guidance on how to handle these things, but for tonight, I am satisfied.

 

 

edit*** sorry for the poor wording. I am tired, and had a very long day!

Edited October 22, 2013 by monkeymaid

[AnyaNova]

@Monkeymaid--I am so glad that you saw that. I was thinking it, but wasn't sure you were ready to see it.. When I first read your story, I had a huge problem with the fact that it was one of your triggers, and she knew if, claimed to be all right with avoiding it for your sake, and then refused to find a way to make it work for you (as in, perhaps you could have taken lessons together and always been each others' partner?).

 

But forcing a trauma trigger on you and insisting on it,when you were not ready to face it is a pretty big warning flag for me. Definitely solve yourself right now, but don't make any big decisions regarding her until you have had plenty of time to evaluate that and whether it would be a pattern that would continue.

 

I am sure she had many fantastic traits as well as some of the issues you mentioned, but I am glad that she is no longer being idealized by you.

 

Take care and hold fast to yourself, I think the you guys who have this particular attachment issue so much sacrifice your needs and wants to make others happy for as long as you can.

[monkeymaid]

Im so close to going to see her or send her an email or something! Right now Im going through some serious withdrawals/anxiety, and for the last 2 days I havent been able to get her out of my head. Everytime I get into my car, I start crying. I have worked out for 3.5 hours today, but even that isnt taking off the edge anymore

 

I would do anything to have her back.

 

What did I do?

 

Im so effing dumb, before we broke up she was willing to go through anythign with me, but then I let her go. Im so ****ing sad. I ****ed it up again.

[Simon Phoenix]

Im so close to going to see her or send her an email or something! Right now Im going through some serious withdrawals/anxiety, and for the last 2 days I havent been able to get her out of my head. Everytime I get into my car, I start crying. I have worked out for 3.5 hours today, but even that isnt taking off the edge anymore

 

I would do anything to have her back.

 

What did I do?

 

Im so effing dumb, before we broke up she was willing to go through anythign with me, but then I let her go. Im so ****ing sad. I ****ed it up again.

 

Everything a dumper says before the breakup is null and void.

[AnyaNova]

Im so close to going to see her or send her an email or something! Right now Im going through some serious withdrawals/anxiety, and for the last 2 days I havent been able to get her out of my head. Everytime I get into my car, I start crying. I have worked out for 3.5 hours today, but even that isnt taking off the edge anymore

 

I would do anything to have her back.

 

What did I do?

 

Im so effing dumb, before we broke up she was willing to go through anythign with me, but then I let her go. Im so ****ing sad. I ****ed it up again.

 

There is a very large irony in what I am about to say to you.

 

Because if you were my ex, right now, I would tell you to do exactly what I know that you shouldn't, and what would probably be very bad for me, but what a little part of me, since this last glutening seems to want again, and contact me and tell me this because I bloody well deserve to hear it from you (since I never did hear it from you before--of course, that would be hypothetically if you were my ex, which you're, you know, not, as I have expressed interest in learning how to salsa dance, but haven't actually done so, yet, and furthermore, would never do in that manner if it was a known trigger for a partner of mine).

 

However, she has heard from you. She knows how you feel about her.

 

So I am going to be extremely, but openly, hypocritical and say, that you really shouldn't.

 

She needs time right now to work out how she feels about you, if she thinks she can ever trust you again, and whether she can live without salsa dancing if it is something that you are unable to work through. If you contact her, you prevent her from being able to do so.

 

But even more so, and I think because of the unique attachment issues that caused the dissolution of both of our relationships, this is in some ways much harder for us to do (please forgive me if I offend anybody whose relationships were different, I'm not saying that every aspect is harder, just this one and for specific reasons), because we know that despite the attachment issues that caused the problems that led to relationship's end, there were feelings on both sides. Very strong and powerful ones. But...

 

We both need to kill every once of hope. IF, life has more for us in store with our previous partners, it has to be new. Which means that any hope we have right now that we hold, will still be for the old. We have to kill it and kill any hope of a new relationship with them.

 

We both need to heal ourselves completely and get to a point where we don't even really want our exes anymore. It is the only way that we can be healthy enough to be in a new relationship with anyone.

 

I have to give up all hope, anyway, because I know somehow in my gut that it was too much for him. I am sure that I will never hear from him again. I don't know why. I wish it wasn't so. And the idea does still hurt.

 

And you should too. Give up all hope.

 

I really ramble when I'm tired.

 

I am SO sorry that you are hurting. Please don't contact her (unless of course you are my ex in disguise, and then by all means contact me :-p Kidding everyone. Mostly. :-p).

 

But seriously. Cry. Scream. Listen to music. Kick yourself. but know this. IF you are willing to continue your hard work in therapy. IF you allow yourself to truly and fully heal so that you are truly indifferent to your ex and can evaluate dispassionately whether you want someone in your life who would knowingly force a trigger on you. IF you continue what you are doing...you can find a relationship with someone that will be even more what you need and make you and her more happy than you could be with anyone else.

 

Grieve for now. But know that relief will come, eventually.

[Never Again]

We both need to kill every once of hope. IF, life has more for us in store with our previous partners, it has to be new. Which means that any hope we have right now that we hold, will still be for the old. We have to kill it and kill any hope of a new relationship with them.

 

We both need to heal ourselves completely and get to a point where we don't even really want our exes anymore. It is the only way that we can be healthy enough to be in a new relationship with anyone.

 

HOLY CRAP YES, THIS.

 

Farsight, she's making some really powerful and important points here. I hope you listen.

 

Barky often sends similar messages.

 

There is only one way to get someone back, and it's not a guarantee. It's the same way you put yourself in the proper place to be with someone new.

 

You move on. You forget. You let go.

 

Let go of the hope, the pain and the bad memories. Forgive her and yourself.

 

Find yourself again. Be happy.

 

This is the only way a "second chance" will work...because, then, it's not really a second chance. It's a NEW relationship with your old partner. *IF* something was to happen, it would need to be free from the flaws of the old relationship.

 

This is also the only way you could have a relationship with ANYONE going forward. It wouldn't be fair for you to be with another person while you're in such pain...you need to heal first.

 

Everyone makes mistakes in relationships. Anyone who expects perfection in their love life or partner will ALWAYS be disappointed. Don't blame yourself for being human.

 

Things get better.

[AnyaNova]

HOLY CRAP YES, THIS.

 

Farsight, she's making some really powerful and important points here. I hope you listen.

 

Barky often sends similar messages.

 

There is only one way to get someone back, and it's not a guarantee. It's the same way you put yourself in the proper place to be with someone new.

 

You move on. You forget. You let go.

 

Let go of the hope, the pain and the bad memories. Forgive her and yourself.

 

Find yourself again. Be happy.

 

This is the only way a "second chance" will work...because, then, it's not really a second chance. It's a NEW relationship with your old partner. *IF* something was to happen, it would need to be free from the flaws of the old relationship.

 

This is also the only way you could have a relationship with ANYONE going forward. It wouldn't be fair for you to be with another person while you're in such pain...you need to heal first.

 

Everyone makes mistakes in relationships. Anyone who expects perfection in their love life or partner will ALWAYS be disappointed. Don't blame yourself for being human.

 

Things get better.

 

For the sake of complete honesty, those words are a lot easier to say to someone else than to live out one's self. I am trying, but it is a message I need to hear too. :-)

 

I do hope you feel better. How about we all work on ourselves, so that even though we will still be ourselves, we will have improved to the point of being, "new people" like at the end of the Langoliers. :-)

[monkeymaid]

This is for you. This has been one hell of rollercoaster ride for me. If you are stalking me, then you will find this. If not, then meh, I wrote it to get out some of this guilt. The days weeks and months that lead up to this goddamn breakup were rough. Before it, I was so far down that I didn't know what to do. I really was scared of you just walking away because, to be honest, I was having a hard time with life all by myself. With you by my side and doing my best to control my actions and feelings, I just didn't know how to pull up. I couldn't figure it out. I couldn't let myself really hurt because then I would be a sobbing beast of a mess, but then I could see the pain in your eyes knowing that you couldn't help me. So I let you go. I let you go so that you could be happy. I let you go so that you didn't have to deal with me. I let you go so that I wouldn't be the source of any pain that you felt. I shouldn't have let go. I should have fought harder and sought help sooner. I didn't want to let you go. I still don't. I still want you here, and I still want to kiss you and laugh with you and talk to you and love you. I'm still so sad that I cant talk to you and feel you and hug you that way. I also know what that pain looked like in your eyes the first year and a half of our relationship and how helpless I felt being there with you. When you were depressed, it broke my heart knowing that I couldn't do anything but sit in the **** with you. and so I did. I hugged you when you were sad and kissed you when you had no energy and dragged out when you wanted to stay in. God I love you and I miss you.

 

 

I wish I held you longer and kissed you just another "one last time" too. I feel your face every night and see your eyes peering at me, but your just gone. And I cant do anything about it. I never wanted to not be with you, I just wanted to stop both of our pain. It never even crossed my mind that we wouldn't end up together. Nothing registered but, "stop this pain". I cant seem to imagine my life without you at the end of it. Both of us old and leaning on each other while I steal an ass grab and a kiss while you search for my hand. I don't know how to have you gone. Its interesting fr me to think, but I think you are my first love. I've loved other people, but this is fierce. I'm not calling you and not contacting you because that is what you asked for. I work out 3-4 hours a day again because it used to clear my mind. I think I'm getting used to it because now, its just intensifying my focus. Do you know what its like to have intense clarity and focus when your heart is beating at 180 BPM and you are holding 200lbs over your head?

 

 

This wasn't one of those I don't love you any more breakups. When I look back at our breakup, I cant help but think that we were different than everyone else. That we had something that could last. I want that with you, I always did. This is just for a little while right? Im worrying and sad and anxious over nothing right?

 

 

 

I really am sorry. Come back to me Sweetie. Petunia. Raptor. Tiny Hippo. Baby. Lover Girl. Honey. Punk. Butthead. We can fix this. I know we can.

 

 

I want to be your penguin. I love you