Is this emotional abuse?

[SpiralOut]

I don't know if I can say that my mother abused me, but the way she treated me sure wasn't right. I had a mother who didn't care about my feelings. She bullied me. I acted out a lot of anger towards her over the years, often by insulting her since I didn't know what else to do. She ignored it all. I can't remember her ever asking me why I felt angry, or if I was okay. She told me right to my face that she did not care. Then she would walk away from me. And my father, for the most part, enabled her. I felt that her feelings mattered more than mine, since he almost always took her side.

 

There were times when she bullied me enough to make me cry and my father would have me leave the room and he would talk to her. He never approached me afterwards to see if I was okay. She never approached me to apologize. We would all act like nothing happened.

 

Many times in my childhood she told me that she never got to go on vacation because of having me. She made comments about wasting money on me. As a teenager and adult she invaded my boundaries and gossiped to other family members about my sex life. If my boyfriend told me I looked good, she would act shocked and ask him how could he possibly think that?

 

I know this is all wrong, but I don't know if this is abuse. Is it?

[lindsay1990]

I don't know if I can say that my mother abused me, but the way she treated me sure wasn't right. I had a mother who didn't care about my feelings. She bullied me. I acted out a lot of anger towards her over the years, often by insulting her since I didn't know what else to do. She ignored it all. I can't remember her ever asking me why I felt angry, or if I was okay. She told me right to my face that she did not care. Then she would walk away from me. And my father, for the most part, enabled her. I felt that her feelings mattered more than mine, since he almost always took her side.

 

There were times when she bullied me enough to make me cry and my father would have me leave the room and he would talk to her. He never approached me afterwards to see if I was okay. She never approached me to apologize. We would all act like nothing happened.

 

Many times in my childhood she told me that she never got to go on vacation because of having me. She made comments about wasting money on me. As a teenager and adult she invaded my boundaries and gossiped to other family members about my sex life. If my boyfriend told me I looked good, she would act shocked and ask him how could he possibly think that?

 

I know this is all wrong, but I don't know if this is abuse. Is it?

 

 

 

Something very similar happened to me, except the gossiping about my sex life - but likely because she was just to proud to say anything that would make her look bad. Father that never stood up for me? Check as well

 

Definitely sounds like abuse to me. But remember, we all have it in us to be abusive at times and most of the time, we just don't know better and can't help ourselves. Be careful not to villainize your mother, as it will only hurt you more in the long run as you will feel more powerless.

 

Definitely check out this book: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: Dr. Karyl McBride: 9781439129432: Amazon.com: Books It helped me SO much.

 

This site has some good resources: Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

[Vogeltron]

To an extent it is abuse. But I would call her out. Why not abortion? Why not being there during your child hood as much as it sounds from your description.

 

If she thinks you have failed in life, then you need to point it back at her and tell her that she failed as a mother. You are a product of her environment.

 

Few of us have great parents, but none of us deserve ones who blame us for their problems.

[devilish innocent]

That definitely sounds like emotional abuse to me. I have a mom who is very similar to yours. It was strange to me at first to use the term abuse regarding something I'd grown up with my whole life. But then somebody pointed out to me, "If that's not verbal/emotional abuse, then what would be?" I've since had a few therapists who referred to this same type of behavior as abuse when talking about my mom as well.

 

I don't know about you, but I prefer to just not engage with my mom when I can help it. When I was a teenager, I had one poor therapist-in-training working with me who tried to do some role-playing where she was me and I was my mom. She tried to show me things I could say to stand up to my mom. Everything she said, I immediately knew what my mom's comeback to it would be. Unfortunately, you just can't talk to somebody who is set on being abusive the way you can to a normal person.

[imtooconfused]

It sure sounds a lot like "Mommy Dearest." The only thing I can add to the other comments is that you have to be careful how you yourself treat others. I'm not saying you are a bad person, but it's most likely your mom learned those behaviors when she was very young. Now that you have learned how devastating those behaviors can be, you may be subconsciously inclined to repeat those behaviors.

[bigfeet]

I have to say you need to knock it off and quit being a victim and move on. No human is perfect, people have bad days, they get stuck in self pity and they lash out. You've been conned into being a chronic victim by a lot of people that make a living in counseling, psychiatrist, social work, etc. etc. If we spoke with your mother, how many rotten things have you said to her, probably a lot, and caused her emotional pain....omg your an abuser!! Why not stop, and think how can I make a nice day for my mom? I'm not sure how often you see her, but it's probably infrequent based upon your age, if it's just once a week for an hour and she is maybe 20 years older than you, add up the time for the rest of your lives and it's maybe one year. You have a total of one year left with your mom and then she is gone, forever. My mom drank constantly and my childhood was one long abusive time. I did talk to her about it, and guess what she had carried along her life a lot of pain and regret about it. She's dead now, and I miss her everyday. The people around you are just humans, including your parents, if you love them I suggest you grow up, get over it, and try to focus on making a good relationship with them. It's that or spend your time telling everyone how much you've been abused, at some point it will wear even on you, your mother will be gone, and you won't be able to change the relationship.

[bigfeet]

Oh, Jeez, speak of making cash off of chronic victims, I just noticed someone suggesting you buy a book.........ugggggg.......by a psychiatrist. Keep the money and take mom out for a lunch, make some jokes, enjoy your life.

[turnera]

Many times in my childhood she told me that she never got to go on vacation because of having me. She made comments about wasting money on me.

That alone is enough to be abusive. And set you up for a lifetime of therapy.

 

Or...you could just WRITE HER OFF for the POS she is, and get on with your life.

[imtooconfused]

Oh, Jeez, speak of making cash off of chronic victims, I just noticed someone suggesting you buy a book.........ugggggg.......by a psychiatrist.

 

What's wrong with buying a book, especially if it is useful? Anything from this site should be taken with "a grain of salt" and there are a huge number of on-line book reviews to help the OP determine if the book can be useful.

 

But spending $10 or $20 on a good book is infinitely more valuable than the majority of the advice I have found on this site even at a total cost of $0.

[SpiralOut]

Whoa, I forgot I had posted this and just saw it again now. Thanks for the responses. It makes me feel better to hear from several people that I wasn't treated right.

 

I really don't want to be trapped into a victim mentality. However I do think it is important for me to feel angry and upset for a while. So often I was denied that right in my childhood. Being angry was bad, made me someone to walk away from and ignore until I had calmed down.

 

I do worry about being abusive to others. I am fine with friends. With boyfriends, I can be abusive. I mentioned this to my last counsellor and she didn't really listen. Maybe my newest therapist will listen. She seems to be more helpful. I would rather be childless than have another generation growing up with emotional abuse. I can't help wondering what the hell happened to my mother to have her act that way. Her mother was an alcoholic, so maybe she wasn't so nice when she was drunk or something. I don't know.

 

Right now I seem to be mostly attracting abusive friendships. I got rid of most of them. I also am working in a workplace that feels abusive, or at the very least, toxic. I keep wanting to leave but haven't yet. I am tired of feeling helpless when someone treats me wrong. I have trouble walking away from bad treatment. I want to change the pattern.

 

Oh and I ordered the book online. I'm looking forward to reading it! I'm also finding Women who Run with the Wolves helpful. It teaches you what a woman's soul looks like when it is healthy, and how to know if it is sick and how to fix it. By looking at the ways I've been damaged I've been slowly putting it back together.

Edited October 27, 2013 by SpiralOut