engaged and she ended it in rehab

[eric85]

I had been with my fiancee for 4 yrs and we have children together. We got together back when we were both on opiates. We decided to both get clean together and she started suboxone and i did methadone treatment. the last few months she started abusing xanax which caused a lot of fights. She decided to go to rehab a month or so ago and got kicked out the second week for xanax. We almost broke up over that but she came home and did great for almost a month then relapsed on xanax again. She decided to try rehab again and right before she left told me she couldnt imagine coming home and that home not being with me and how much she loved and couldnt wait to marry me. Well we did have a few arguments her first few days there over my trust issues with her. I had caught her talking to a few of her ex bfs in the past. Well after our last argument while she was there we went days without her calling me. I finally called her and she acted very very cold. I asked her if this wasn't what she wanted anymore and she said she didnt know. I knew what that meant and didnt call for a few more days. My daughter got sick so I called to talk to her about it which then turned into talking about us. She told me she didnt know what she wants anymore and that she doesnt want to be with me right now and doesnt know if she ever will again. I was ****ing crushed when she told me those words. I love her so much and we have been through so much. I just am so confused. Do you think its a guy she met there or do you think she truely is lost on what to do with her life? Her mom plays a big influence in her life and has been telling her to just focus on herself which i think played a role in this also. I did ask if it was someone else but she said no and that she just cant handle any stress right now and all we do is fight. She had no desire on moving forward. We built a family together and I raised a step daughter also from a very young age who considers me her dad also which is very hard. We also have another daughter together. I just hope she wouldnt throw all that away for some rehab fling...

[Art_Critic]

Maybe she realized that her getting clean is impossible with you being in her life right now and her getting clean became a priority.

I wouldn't think a rehab fling is the reason, more than likely is she spoke with someone about her addiction and those words rung true to her and she is taking those words seriously.

 

Are you clean ?

[eric85]

It absolutely became a priority, the #1 priority which was wonderful, its what i want more then anything for her because I know how bad she wants it. What working ringing true to her are you referring to,not being able to be with me right now and get clean? I am not completely clean yet. I am still in outpatient methadone maintenance and have been weening off for a few months now. I am on a low dose and will be completely off in the next month or so.

 

Thanks for the response btw

[melell]

Hey Eric, I just wondered if other than the methadone program have you ever been into live in rehab/ treatment?

 

I work at a rehab- I won't go into the details but I am in sole charge of the group the majority of the time, and I also have several residents assigned to me personally.

 

I want you to know that I have seen this happen time and time again, where it is just all too much and the partner who is in treatment tries to lessen the load by shutting down towards people outside of the rehab. One thing I can say for sure is that this changes frequently. The way things are viewed between weeks 1 & 2 compared to weeks 6, 7 & 8, are nothing short of miraculous. I have seen people enter with nothing but fighting and broken families, to people leaving having hope for getting things back, and it working.

 

Of course there are those that don't get that far. But still, it is worth thinking about.

 

Give it time. You will soon find out the result.

 

And good for you almost ready to come off methadone, it is exceptionally impressive.

 

Remember that there are many many people who never try, or never seek help, or want better.

[eric85]

Hey Eric, I just wondered if other than the methadone program have you ever been into live in rehab/ treatment?

 

I work at a rehab- I won't go into the details but I am in sole charge of the group the majority of the time, and I also have several residents assigned to me personally.

 

I want you to know that I have seen this happen time and time again, where it is just all too much and the partner who is in treatment tries to lessen the load by shutting down towards people outside of the rehab. One thing I can say for sure is that this changes frequently. The way things are viewed between weeks 1 & 2 compared to weeks 6, 7 & 8, are nothing short of miraculous. I have seen people enter with nothing but fighting and broken families, to people leaving having hope for getting things back, and it working.

 

Of course there are those that don't get that far. But still, it is worth thinking about.

 

Give it time. You will soon find out the result.

 

And good for you almost ready to come off methadone, it is exceptionally impressive.

 

Remember that there are many many people who never try, or never seek help, or want better.

 

 

Hey Melell

 

First off, thanks a lot for the reply. Its kind of good to know that may be most of what it is. She had basically told me that it is just to stressful on her right now and she doesn't know what she wants but she doesn't want to be together anymore. She said nothing makes her happy right now and she needs to find herself basically. I respected that and just told her I loved her and didnt expect this but I want to see her happy.I was really crushed though and she said she hasnt been calling because she knows I'm hurting and she cant take that right now. The day she was leaving was how she was going to do good there and come home get married and make me happy. How she had faith in us,etc. I was worried at first that she may have met someone in there she was interested in. I would like to think thats just my mind playing tricks on me. So should I just completely move on with my life and if she comes back then she comes back? Also I forget if I mentioned it above but she also has her mother telling her to just focus on herself for a while etc. which is fine, I'm not saying it isn't but she has def played a big part in influencing her to be alone.

 

Also, no I have never actually been to a live in rehab. When me and her were about 4 or so months in our relationship we did both go to a week detox center but from there is where we went on suboxone and then I later transferred to methadone.

[melell]

From everything I have witnessed I have every reason to think she will come back. Right now she is forced to look at things that are not pretty, and she may well associated her problems with you.

 

Her thinking will change, her thoughts will become more rational and she will see things clearly soon enough.

 

I promise you that she was not thinking clearly when she ended things, but she was doing what she thought was the right thing to do.

 

Her idea of what is right will change multiple times in the next while.

 

I think you need to keep doing you right now, and give her that space. This is something where you both need to show each other that things are different, so time really is the key.

 

She may come back, she may not, but that doesn't mean she didn't love you. I bet it is quite the opposite.

 

The best thing you can do is make it so that you are ok no matter what the outcome is.

[davidhdl]

I am going thru the same thing, 3 weeks ago she left no letter saying why she left. I found out thru a friend she went to a shelter.Her zanax addiction has been the worst thing in our relationship everrrrrr. I have had no contact with her whatso ever.My wish she gets the help she so much needs.Her addiction has been getting worse by the day.Somedays I dont know how she even could get dressed.She has removed me from facebook, I texed her the night she left and had no response, However one thing that I am so sure of a zanax addiction or any other addiction will without a doubt destroy familes, friends, lovers, or anyone who cares about the person with the addiction.It will destroy the ones who have been left behind to try yo pivk up the pieces of their heart.

[davidhdl]

It is so nice to hear from someone who is very familar to a Re Hab facility not being familar with anything of this nature, it helps knowing that there is someone out there who can help us understand.

[melell]

I am going thru the same thing, 3 weeks ago she left no letter saying why she left. I found out thru a friend she went to a shelter.Her zanax addiction has been the worst thing in our relationship everrrrrr. I have had no contact with her whatso ever.My wish she gets the help she so much needs.Her addiction has been getting worse by the day.Somedays I dont know how she even could get dressed.She has removed me from facebook, I texed her the night she left and had no response, However one thing that I am so sure of a zanax addiction or any other addiction will without a doubt destroy familes, friends, lovers, or anyone who cares about the person with the addiction.It will destroy the ones who have been left behind to try yo pivk up the pieces of their heart.

 

It is terribly hard. So often it isn't a matter of love at all. The thinking can get so skewed. Justifications are harmful for sure. What I have noticed is that to change perspectives the individuals prior justifications are no longer valid, and everything starts looking like a mistake. So all in all it is easier to not change perspectives, and just continue as usual.

 

Love remains a lot of the time.

 

Have a read of this, Cognitive Dissonance in Addiction and Recovery (I am not in that country, but it is a good description of cognitive dissonance-something I can related to 80 % of my patients)

[eric85]

From everything I have witnessed I have every reason to think she will come back. Right now she is forced to look at things that are not pretty, and she may well associated her problems with you.

 

Her thinking will change, her thoughts will become more rational and she will see things clearly soon enough.

 

I promise you that she was not thinking clearly when she ended things, but she was doing what she thought was the right thing to do.

 

Her idea of what is right will change multiple times in the next while.

 

I think you need to keep doing you right now, and give her that space. This is something where you both need to show each other that things are different, so time really is the key.

 

She may come back, she may not, but that doesn't mean she didn't love you. I bet it is quite the opposite.

 

The best thing you can do is make it so that you are ok no matter what the outcome is.

 

 

I really hope you are right but Im not going to get my hopes up that she'll come back and have to go through this again. Your right I do need to make sre that I am ok but honestly I have no idea how to do that right now, like for example this morning I woke up and the first thing I noticed is that I was laying on my side with my arms and legs positioned how they are when we are cuddled up sleeping. It hurt me so bad to picture her there and know that may never be again. I have been through many relationships and a few other serious ones but I have never experienced this kind of hurt, not even close.

[eric85]

I am going thru the same thing, 3 weeks ago she left no letter saying why she left. I found out thru a friend she went to a shelter.Her zanax addiction has been the worst thing in our relationship everrrrrr. I have had no contact with her whatso ever.My wish she gets the help she so much needs.Her addiction has been getting worse by the day.Somedays I dont know how she even could get dressed.She has removed me from facebook, I texed her the night she left and had no response, However one thing that I am so sure of a zanax addiction or any other addiction will without a doubt destroy familes, friends, lovers, or anyone who cares about the person with the addiction.It will destroy the ones who have been left behind to try yo pivk up the pieces of their heart.

 

 

I agree with you 100% it was the main thing we always fought about. I hated the way she acted on them and they made her such a cold person when she has one of the warmest hearts I've ever experienced. I'm just glad I know she is serious about getting off them and like I told her whether her life after includes me or not I just hope she's happy.

[eric85]

So she gets home passes a few hrs on the weekend and goes to her moms to see the kids. I saw her posting pics n such today on facebook and seemed happy as could. At this point I'm pretty sure she found someone in rehab.

[eric85]

I saw a guy post on her wall today about being "his favorite girl" this explains it all she left me over somebody she met there. It all makes sense now. I broke no ccontact and called her today of course she gave me the whole its not like that im just working on myself . Working on yourself or not you dont go completely cold. She said its to stressful to talk to me. Almost sounds as if she feels to guilty to even talk to me. Needless to say im devastated. Why did I even look?

[davidhdl]

So sorry Like I said, they leave us to pick up the pieces of a broken heart.I have never had a abuse problem,So it is so hard for me to understand that problem. I have been in no contact for about three weeks, and still dont know what to do.

[eric85]

I just don't understand how she could have went from spilling her heart out the day she was leaving to completely ending it a week later and having a thing with some guy in the program. What the hell is she thinking???

[Criticality]

Wait... Your kids are at her mothers?!? I thought you were raising them? Or were they just visiting? This is kind if important.

 

As for how it works with her changing her mind that quickly, Ill tell you how it works. First of all, she's an addict. She's used to having drugs making her feel good (hey now, no shame in that!) and with the Xanax gone, its not strange that she switches to a new drug: Being infatuated/in love with somebody.

(That is really bad in terms of her recovery, but that's a different matter.)

 

Hookups and casual sex is incredibly common in rehabs. Needless to say, these relationships rarely last. That's the good news if you want her back.

 

As to how you can get her back, eventually? Forget about it for now. Theres nothing as unattractive than a crying ex on the phone spilling his guts about hia emptions.

Don't contact her, no matter how bitter you are, or how bad you want to talk with her, work on yourself instead. Work out, get in shape, read some books, find some new friends or meet old ones. Go on a date or two.

 

The happier, calmer and more content you are when she meets you again, the bigger are the chances of her wanting you back...

[eric85]

The kids go to her mothers while I work and they go there on the day that my ex gets to come home for a few hrs. Apparently the guy is mutual friend of her and her brother and is apparently just a friend, which I'm not sure I believe but its out of my hands. The thing is though is she didnt go to rehab completely strung out on xanax. She had a month clean and messed up once so she decided to go back. I just wish she would think about this decision she is making. I have raised her daughter since a yr old as my own, her biological dad plays no role I AM her father and know she won't ever keep her from me but its just sad to think of us not being a family anymore. I haven't ate in almost a week, its all I think about.

[Criticality]

Hang in there. It might not be as bad as you think.

The advice I have about trying to minimize contact, and keep it nice and to the point still stands though. The less desperate you seem to get her back, the more attractive you will be to her. Give her a few days or a week to get her bearing, shell undoubtedly be in touch.

 

The best thing you can do right now, besides taking care of yourself, is to see a lawyer and find out where you stand in regards to your daughter and stepdaughter.

 

Yes, you might hope she comes back, or maybe it hasn't sink in unite yet that she broke up, but seeing a lawyer is what you really need to do. Plan for the worst and hope for the best.

 

What do you want? Primary custody? Split custody? Your rights depend on what the family law is where you live, but you need to know your rights.

 

If you get together in a few weeks, fine, if not it wouldn't be a bad idea to meet up with your ex to settle those issues. If a lawyer could help you draft an agreement that will be great.

 

Before you say "but lawyers are expensive" keep in mind that the initial consultation is often free, and many lawyers will let you pay in installments.

 

And a lawyer is nowhere near as expensive as ten+ years of child support you shouldn't have paid if you had seen one in time, or the heartbreak and hurt over never seeing your daughters.

[eric85]

Thanks for advice, I really appreciate. We have probably talked twice in the last two weeks, both times was me calling and both times she had no interest in talking. I wasn't begging or anything just trying to see where she stood because she left me not knowing. She said its just to stressful on her. Its really my fault we were great when she first got there and a few nights later we had got in an argument on the phone which I would take the blame for. We have had our problems throughout the years and I have never once doubted us continuing life together but she has never been this cold. I just have that feeling she isn't coming back. I talked to her mom the other day who said that her,her husband,and my exs brother have all been telling her if we don't work out to wait atleast a year before getting in another relationship but my thing is why would they even be bringing that up if that wasn't something she was considering? Idk maybe i'm just over thinking things.

[Criticality]

You're obviously scared and over thinking things.

Perhaps the seperation is so hard for her, that she tries to "turn off" her feelings, so she won't miss you and the girls so much. Maybe she hooked up with somebody, and she deals with the guilt by breaking up.

 

Needless to say, it's nothing you can do anything about right now, and its nothing that will necessarily prevent you from resuming your relationship eventually.

 

I think she doesn't really know with herself what she should do, and might be tempted to fool herself into thinking that a fresh start might be all she needs.

 

It makes good sense to stay single for a year, IF she chooses to give up on your relationship. Keep in mind, it might not mean too much what her family has said. These are the kinds of conversations that people have, when they come out of rehab.

 

On the plus side, she has an addictive personality. Those people often have a hard time letting go of relationships.

 

Give her some space until she comes out of rehab, maybe write her a letter, nothing too heavy or personal, maybe just include some pictures of you and the kids. When she comes out for good, you'll know where you stand.

 

IN THE MEANTIME, you must see a lawyer and find out exactly where you stand, and what rights you have.

 

Suppose that the kids didn't come back one day after work, because your girlfriend wants to keep them... Not saying its likely to happen, but IF it happened, you wouldn't know the first thing about whether she can do it, or what rights you have to see your kids.

[eric85]

Thanks so much for the advice. I went ahead and wrote her a letter. Said nothing about us, just telling her I never got a chance to tell her how proud I am of her and that I'll always be her for her. She was also talking about how depressed she was there and how nothing makes her happy anymore. So i also included in the letter how much of a beautiful and amazing woman she is and to never forget her worth. Once again , I didnt even mention our relationship as I dont want to push things I jst never got the chance to tell her Im proud of her. This has by far been the worst week of my entire life. I feel like I lost my better half, we always swore through it all we would always stick together because we both had that feeling of such a strong love that neither had felt before. Both of us had been in a few other Long term relationships but we both had said multiple times it's never felt like this. I wonder if she thinks of me, if she really is done. I kept my promise and never left and never planned on it. She broke hers without hesitation.

[Criticality]

You're bitter and that's understandable, but try not to get too bitter about it or stay bitter for too long. You don't really know what's going on, and if anything bitterness and anger might keep you apart.

 

You haven't been to rehab, right? Well there are good rehabs and bad rehabs.

 

(And the truth is that even the best rehabs aren't very successful in the end. The bad ones? They know little about addiction, except for what worked for the couple of counsellors that did get clean, and hold on to very dogmatic beliefs about what you should do. After a few weeks they spit you out and in most cases set you up to fail. Cause the same solution doesn't work for everybody. Stuff like "you have to show tough love" and "you have to hit rock bottom" works for some, but in all fairness has probably helped kill even more addicts.)

 

Well anyways, part of the process in rehab is to tear down part of the person, and build it up a new. (And in all fairness, if you want to exercise what has been a big part of your life, in a quick time, that's what it takes. Some rehabs have a more nuanced view of things, and some are pretty dogmatic about getting rid of "influences" in your life.

Now is it possible that you got thrown under the bus in the process? Yup.

 

But don't judge her right now. I mean sure, you have good reason to feel bitter right now. But let me tell you, a LOT of crazy **** can happen in a room with one counsellor who thinks he knows all the answers, and six drug addicts who are confused to high heaven and are looking for easy answers.

 

Suppose for example, if they had told over and over how the only way she can ever live a normal life with your daughter, is to forget your relationship for right now? As confused and vulnerable as she is right now, she probably wholeheartedly believes any number of things that don't make sense in a month.

 

Just don't be too bitter, cause once she is out and back in her surroundings, she might see things differently, and in her usual way.

(Heck, when addicts leave rehab the vast majority of them believe that they're on track and ready for a clean and healthy life. A year later most of them are back to using)

 

Then it'll be really hard to get back together, if you hold a number of things against her, that she in all honesty didnt have much control over.

[Criticality]

I think the letter was a good idea, btw.

 

And a story to cheer you up btw.

 

When I was in the States, there were these addicts that got together under really weird circumstances. She was engaged, he was also in a relationship and had kids. She was in her early twenties and he was almost nine years older.

 

Needless to say, like most love affairs, heck like most things that take you for a wild ride, neither of them planned or set out to be a homewrecker or sabotage an engagement. Things just happened and sped out of control, until they were talking about moving in together, playing with the thought having a family etc.

 

Yes there were drugs involved, and yes they were addicts, which probably also had a part, but fundamentally, their story isn't different from most affairs you hear about.

 

They were both pretty highly functioning addicts, he was pretty well off financially, at least compared to her, and tried to support her habits with dollars and pills. (And when you're really an addict, that quickly means thousands of dollars of pills)

 

Did she take advantage of him? Sure to some extent. If you define "taking advantage" as taking what someone else is giving you, and occasionally exaggerate things for sympathy.

Did he take advantage of her? I'm sure it could be perceived that way.

 

But they didnt see it that way. They believed they were in love. Despite all the other issues, the fundamental truth of their relationship was that they deeply cared for each other.

 

In the end though, what ended the relationship weren't the drugs poisoning it or getting caught. It didnt end the classic way affairs usually ends: Husband goes back to the wife because they're really comfortable, great friends and partners and he loves her.

 

It ended cause her parents found out too much information about her drug use, and kicked her to rehab. They lost touch, were forced to not have any contact, she got clean, and they both went back to their old partners. After a couple of years the affair became a historical fact for both of them.

 

Four years after they broke it off, they got in touch again and you know what? Despite all the therapists telling her that she was being used, and all the guys that always know better (and oddly enough never having great success in their own love lives) telling him, that he was being played. Despite being clean for a couple of years and seeing everything in a clear and sober light: They both still agreed on that point. The fundamental truth of that relationship hadn't changed.

 

Now I don't want to give you false hopes. Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst, and all of that. But if you were both on the same page before, if you both agreed on the same fundamental truth of your relationship (and it can be a different truth than in the above example) then that isn't likely to change. Despite of rehab and everything else.

 

Now that doesn't mean that you'll be able to make it work again, or that you'll want to try. But it's something. And it's important. And everything that'll happen to you two (no matter if what you want now, is different from what you'll want in a year) will build on that.

[Tayla]

Addiction- physical dependency and emotional dependency. Neither are healed when the main culprit is denied. It uncovers the underlying debris.

 

This Lady is text book for yo-yo 'n it back and forth in her addiction...Her emotions are no where near balanced, her thought process no where near being rational. Its not her fault....It is though her responsibility to work towards healing and getting the help necessary to go on without the drug/addiction.

 

I mean this in a non offensive way...I wouldn't date someone less then three years clean and straight from their addiction of choice. Reason: They still deserve the right to find their balance in life...and with the new life style. Without the added stress relations brings.

 

Recovery Buddies are okay so long as they refrain from emotional dependency with one another....As a person with 21 years in recovery ...Its rare to find two folks with the same years of abuse maintain recovery together. Sometimes its due to them asking the ultimate question...Was our love for each other or was it for the love of our addiction ( common ground)....

[davidhdl]

Just your thoughts,Her cell phone has expired It was on a monthly plan, She texted me from what I believe is the homeless shleter.Nothing but letting me know her phone will expire 10/10/13. what would you do renew or not.If I dont she will have no way contacting me.