objections to being loved?

[inlovesobad]

Is there ever a time when a woman would not want to be told that she was loved? My sitution is this;I hang out and talk to my exgirlfriend once or twice a week, we have a great time together ,but I fear I am only a friend. She never gave me any real reason for breaking up with ,she broke up with twice but asked me back the first time. She told me when she broke up with me that maybe we can get back together in a few years, and she told me he wasn't going anywhere (moving away) .She has has been pretty wishy -washy with me,I think she is coming back and then she runs away again. She even said to me when we were together that she would run away again. I have to be fair with her; she told me she didn't want a serious relationship before we got involved, but I suspect that she got "scared" about being involved in a serious relationshipand ended fit or that reason.

 

She is not dating anybody else or even looking. When I see her my heart races every time , I love her more now that I cant have her, than I did when we were together( only 4 months).When we do hang out she gives little signs that she is still intersted sometimes, but I cant take this just being friends anymore. we have been broken up for 6 months now, and I am nowhere close to moving on --I dont want to move on.

 

I want to tell her that I love her ,I love her so much!I think about her night and day. I will do anything in this world for her .I will always be here for her.

[missopinionated]

I honestly do not understand why people allow other people to manipulate them like this!

 

This gal is jerking you around because you're hanging out on the end of her line. There is no rule that says you must stay there and let her do that.

 

I don't get it. It isn't very likely that she's the only woman around, unless you are on some weird reality show.

 

Um, just a point: y'know that part where she broke it off with you -- twice? Yah. That means you're just friends and NO, this is not the time to say you love her. There are two reasons for that: it will make her run screaming (which might actually be a good solution for you) and you don't love her: you're perhaps obsessed by her, because she's jerking you about, but you don't love her.

 

You're very probably going to say I'm wrong and I'm harsh. On the second point, I concede; however, at some time in the future, you will actually love someone and, when you look back and compare that to this, you'll remember me and think, "yah, that was right."

[inlovesobad]

Yeah you are right . I know I am obsessed ,and I know its not a good thing.But, i do think I am in love with her.I have had a few relationships, but never had these feelings before. I know this will probably sound like a cliche, but she is really the girl I have always wanted. We have everything in common, and we can do anything together and we had so much fun together .I have never met anybody with all the qualities of her, and really don't think I could ever find someone like her again.I try to look at other women , but all I do is compare them to my ex and nodody can compare to her.

 

She told me before that most of her relationships only last two months, then she breaks them up because she is "picky". I feel that she is looking for a fairy tail relationship that doesn't exist. I think she liked the first part of thre relationship then got confused when thinks got serious. I guess I am hanging around trying to get her to realize that I am the one for her, but I am torturing myself in the process. ( just my thoughts)

[slw]

Hi I am INLOVESOBAD the original poster , i decided to register. Thanks for the stern reply.

 

I am preety naive when it comes to relationships, but so is she. I do feel foolish for continuing to pursue this woman. But , I feel she has relationship issues.

 

She broke up with me , asked me be back 3 weeks later then broke it off again.Two days after breaking it off she calls to ask me to a movie , i never went. After about a month I sent her an email saying how I felt for her , and she called me up to tell me that I was wasting my time. But the conversation changed and she started to tell me all the things she liked about me( we talked for 3 hours). Well, she asked me out two days later and had an awesome time. She was holding my hand , sitting on my lap and invited me up to her apatrment where we talked under candle light for about 2 hours. We hung out again the next 2 days and thing were really good and fun,. But , then she backed off and stopped calling after a week.

 

Fast forward 3 months later . I sent her a birthday card in September after 2 months of no contact, and she was absolutly thrilled.Again , we started to hang out again(she did all the asking) and talked about doing things together again.This was hood for a few weeks, but now again she has backed off.

 

I know I am obsessed, and have let her string me along. I really wish I could walk away from her, but I can't. I do feel she is the only woman for me.

[Missopionionateds]

Ok. Here's the deal: if you're here asking for advice, and when you get good advice you don't take it, it implies that you don't want to move on/forward.

 

Your comment that she has relationship issues is disturbing as it showes you're not willing to take responsibility for YOUR behaviour or feelings, bt that you're qutie ready to blame anyone else for what is wrong. I hope this isn't a pattern, but if it is, get a handle on it now.

 

Your reply gives me the sense not that you want to move on but that you want to revel in your pain and you want to bring people with you.

 

I do empathise with you: the first time you get 'it' for someone, it can be really overwhelming. Having said that, you may know lots about yourself, but you don't know (or acknowledge) how much you're going to change in the next five years.

 

As for whether she's the one for you, if you're willing to settle for a girl who strings you along, hurts you and lies to you, then yah, maybe she is.

 

If you're inclined to better treatment, then perhaps she isn't. She is not the only woman in the world. Open your eyes man.

[slw]

Thanks , I know I sound real pathetic, but I am not attracted to very many women. For some reason this girl has an incredible hold on me.

[missopinionateds]

Yah. For some reason -- the reason being that you LET her. Then again, if this is all you want, then you deserve what you get.

[Scott70]

When these "girls" get near 30 years of age, I know that sounds old, and their tricks no longer work as well as they used to, their eyes may be opened. This applies to men also. People that have little difficulties finding a BF/GF aren't alot different from those of us, that find someone, and think "OMG this is the one" only to be passed up and are alone again. The difference is that they have the looks to allow them to easily find "the next one".

 

The reason, she keeps coming back to you is because she doesn't have anyone else to give her attention. They can't handle being alone with themselves for too long. They can't feel good about themselves, and they need outward attention to make them feel good.

Those of us that know how function alone, but still want to spend our lives with someone have the proper mindset to "date" You need to be able to live alone before you can commit yourself to another. If you aren't happy with yourself, how can someone else be happy with you.

[masala]

How old is she?

 

Have you ever asked her why she doesn't want a serious relationship?

 

Speaking from personal experience, I don't think she is necessarily jerking you around or manipulating you. She may genuinely like you. She just may also be unprepared and unable to emotionally to commit to a serious relationship, with you or with anyone else. I am 20 years old, and while I enjoy having boyfriends that I can spend time with and all, I am not prepared for a serious relationship. I am not ready to tell someone "I love you" or for someone to tell me, and yes, I have broken up with boys because I thought we were getting too serious. (And I have stayed friends with them, because I really do like them, not because I want to keep them around for the attention.) She may very well have other things going on in her life that may cause her to put having a serious relationship on the backburner. Relationships are very time-consuming, energy-consuming, and they require a lot of maintenance that some people just are not ready to handle. And it sounds to me like she's being very straight-forward with you. She told you she did not want a relationship with you.

 

Also, the fact that she said she might be interested in something more serious in a few years points to the fact that she is simply not ready for a relationship. She probably really does like you, which explains her desire to spend time with you, etc, but that doesn't change the fact that she's not ready.

 

Honestly, I find some of the replies to this post a bit offensive. You need to talk to her, and you need to find out what is going on in her life. You can tell her what you want, but you absolutely can not expect her to reciprocate. You can't force anyone to love you or want to be in a relationship with you, and there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a serious relationship when you know it's not a good time for you, either, and to be upset with her (or to say rude things about her, like she's manipulating you or jerking you around or that she's just playing "tricks" and wants attention, like some a**h***s here seem to think) is pointless. She can't help how she feels any more than you can. The point is, if you really love her that much, you will be willing to back off and let her grow up and figure out what she wants ON HER OWN. If that's you, beautiful, and if it's not, you've got to be okay with that, too. Either way, you've got to stop obsessing over her and find your own things to do. All you're doing now is hurting yourself.