"Atypical" Red Flags?

[lindsay1990]

I don't mean the objective, standard ones we could all probably agree on.

 

I think about my ex-boyfriend having really close relationships with a couple of his married "best" women friend, and being a confidant to them. I knew the extent of some of this when we got involved but ultimately found out that these friendship had more the tinges of an emotional affair.

 

What at first I thought was a good sign (him being able to understand and closely befriend a woman) became a bigger and bigger strain on our relationship, as either he would rationalize the nature of their closeness/his involvement in the private lives/marital relations, and maybe because I just could not make my peace with it.

 

Regardless of who was right or wrong, I realized that these intimate, confidant friendships with members of the opposite sex is something that I personally will not put up with. I just cannot look the other way or just "deal with it".

 

So, in the future, whenever I see a guy being the shoulder to cry on whilst being overly admiring of a certain female "best friend", I will cut him lose. In my one experience, this bred nothing but mistrust and drama.

 

 

I am wondering if any of you, as you have accumulated more dating experience under your belts, now have 'new' red flags that warn you about things you now know you personally will not accept?

[deathandtaxes]

Yea, you gotta watch out for these opposite-sex "best friends" or "s/he is just a friend" situation. You usually don't know if they dated before or if they met through OLD or whatever. My experience is one side of these friendships is usually more [or romantically/sexually] invested [if not two]. Other new red-flags? I find that BPD, ADHD, or any other brain-chemical situations - stay clear. Too much work. Also stay clear of people who has recently lost weight or gotten off braces [or things like that], they are too attention oriented [as they are not used to it] and will justify all kinds of weird behavior. So basically, have no mercy. Because when you do, you're the one getting hurt. Sad but true.

 

 

 

Atypical red flags? I think there's just red flags that you have to look out for yourself and your situation. It's funny you mention the close friend of the opposite sex. I have a friend that fits that bill and oh my has it created friction in two my relationships in the last year.

Edited October 5, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TheGuard13]

Beware the superfluous third nipple.

[MalachiX]

Regardless of who was right or wrong, I realized that these intimate, confidant friendships with members of the opposite sex is something that I personally will not put up with. I just cannot look the other way or just "deal with it".

 

Don't mean to sound like I'm judging you but, if your guy DIDN'T ever cheat on you then it sounds like this "red flag" is just a phobia of yours that you allow to sabotage relationships.

 

Look at it this way. Say there's a guy on these boards who has an irrational fear of his girlfriend showing any skin. He comes on and says, "At first, I thought the fact that her legs looked so good in shorts was a good sign. But then it put a huge strain in or relationship because she would always rationalize wearing them (saying, 'it's hot' or 'I just like shorts') and never admitting it was to attract other men. "

 

I think if you read this post you'd think the guy was paranoid and be surprised that he called this a "red flag." Based on what you wrote, it's sounding like your definition of a "red flag" is an irrational distrust of your partner which you don't want to "deal with."

 

So, in the future, whenever I see a guy being the shoulder to cry on whilst being overly admiring of a certain female "best friend", I will cut him lose. In my one experience, this bred nothing but mistrust and drama.

 

You're free to make your own choices but it's not "looking the other way" if there isn't infedelity and perhaps it might help you find healthier relationships if you tried to figure out why you were so unable to trust your guy instead of just "cutting loose" every guy who also has female friends.

[lindsay1990]

Don't mean to sound like I'm judging you but, if your guy DIDN'T ever cheat on you then it sounds like this "red flag" is just a phobia of yours that you allow to sabotage relationships.

 

Look at it this way. Say there's a guy on these boards who has an irrational fear of his girlfriend showing any skin. He comes on and says, "At first, I thought the fact that her legs looked so good in shorts was a good sign. But then it put a huge strain in or relationship because she would always rationalize wearing them (saying, 'it's hot' or 'I just like shorts') and never admitting it was to attract other men. "

 

I think if you read this post you'd think the guy was paranoid and be surprised that he called this a "red flag." Based on what you wrote, it's sounding like your definition of a "red flag" is an irrational distrust of your partner which you don't want to "deal with."

 

 

 

You're free to make your own choices but it's not "looking the other way" if there isn't infedelity and perhaps it might help you find healthier relationships if you tried to figure out why you were so unable to trust your guy instead of just "cutting loose" every guy who also has female friends.

 

 

Thanks for reply. He was "best friends" with two of his married women friends, and from what he told me and I saw, he was their confidant even through their marital issues.

 

He eventually admitted to having had an emotional affair with friend #1, but with friend #2 he said it was never an emotional affair but instead said it was him being super close with both her and her husband. This couple was separated when I met him and this second woman friend #2 would call him for favours, advice, venting, obsessing about her husband, etc. When I confronted him on being her sort of surrogate husband, he insisted he was lonely and it was with both. However, he clearly expressed a preference for her over the man, and would call him at any hour or the day or night, whereas the guy didn't. He also had more inside jokes with the woman, and the husband would even joke about him dying and my ex stepping it, as he would be "the only other person who could put up with her".

 

Oddly enough, once we started going out and spent every waking moment together, they reconciled. I think it was at the very least not beneficial to them having him as a third party in their marriage and, at my insistence, he began staying out of it and their issues.

 

The catch? He had admitted that he and friend #2 had both liked each other and had mutual crushes when they first met, but that "she was too combative for him" and had a falling out, only to reconnect once she was engaged to her would-be husband... and he became their best friend.

 

During our relationship, she would confide in her about their reconciliation and would press for information about us. So I was never really comfortable because I got the impression she left a little neglected once he focused his attention primarily on me.

 

So, I don't think it was an "irrational phobia". I had my reasons that came solely from the dynamics and history between them, and his own explanations. Not to mention, his own admission of having been drawn to married women in his recent past because "it carried no risk to him".

 

My point was I had never experience any situation where the lines were so blurry or rationalized and now, I would not step into a situation like that. Simply, to avoid the drama.

 

Anybody else felt something similar?

[todreaminblue]

any guy that makes me feel like I am less than what i am ...red flag.......

 

 

i am a pretty forgiving person but from now on as soon as a guy says to me you are over reacting get over it or you want attention.......and makes em doubt my instinct.....its a nah.....

 

a green flag would be a guy who makes me feel good, who is interested when i speak, who doesnt turn away while i am talking.....who genuinely shows me that I am a woman he enjoys spending time with who makes an effort and its all green all the way....i am so awkward when i like someone....doesnt mean i should eb treated badly....i think i learned this rather painfully over an extended period of time when i should have cut off ages ago, from a guy who made me feel worthless who i kept going over and over again when he was ignorant or rude, by thinking, nah hes having a bad day ...or making excuses for the way he treated me..must be my fault scenario o rmy mental illness, o r8i must look disgusting to him,.had enough of men like this...i would love to treat someone well, there should be no red flags on how i am treated either....thankfully i do know the difference and i know that i deserve to be treated with respect ...because i always give it.....deb

[lindsay1990]

any guy that makes me feel like I am less than what i am ...red flag.......

 

 

i am a pretty forgiving person but from now on as soon as a guy says to me you are over reacting get over it or you want attention.......and makes em doubt my instinct.....its a nah.....

 

a green flag would be a guy who makes me feel good, who is interested when i speak, who doesnt turn away while i am talking.....who genuinely shows me that I am a woman he enjoys spending time with who makes an effort and its all green all the way....i am so awkward when i like someone....doesnt mean i should eb treated badly....i think i learned this rather painfully over an extended period of time when i should have cut off ages ago, from a guy who made me feel worthless who i kept going over and over again when he was ignorant or rude, by thinking, nah hes having a bad day ...or making excuses for the way he treated me..must be my fault scenario o rmy mental illness, o r8i must look disgusting to him,.had enough of men like this...i would love to treat someone well, there should be no red flags on how i am treated either....thankfully i do know the difference and i know that i deserve to be treated with respect ...because i always give it.....deb

 

 

 

This is a good one!

 

I think if at first you are inexperience you might wonder "*AM* I being irrational?", but if you go through his you might learn that it is extremely discrediting to your feelings, like it invalidates them immediately.

 

However, some people (men or women) might not mind being called irrational or crazy or whatever, some people don't take words too seriously but others do. And maybe you didn't think you did, until you had the experience. This is what I was asking, thanks.

 

Again, and to the poster I quoted before this, my question is not about objective red flags (as you give the example of somebody showing skin which you seem to present as something *anybody* would find excessive). I'm asking about people DISCOVERING PERSONAL red flags, that they now look out for.

[lindsay1990]

Your situation is even worse. In each relationship [friendship or not], each party is getting something out of it. And you should ask what is it that these married women get that they can't get from their husband or their girl best friend? And not just one but two married women best friends? What straight man with no ulterior motive has time for that kind of thing? Especially when you have a gf of your own. Seriously. Obviously he was getting something and guess what "emotional affair with #1" I am not surprised. And guess what... he didn't tell you, he didn't tell you and then the trickled truth came out that he had crust on #2 as well? Well, why am I not surprised? Of course, when you make these an issue, without going through the pain [or if you had gone through it already in another platform] you're automatically categorized as insecure and controlling. When in fact there is a reason for everything. It is best not to start with those jokers, honestly. Hence, red-flag. Good for you to come to your senses.

 

 

Ha, thanks. I mean, who knows if he actually did have an emotional affair with friend #2, he swore up and down he didn't but... but... my point is that for me I just could not deal with this. And knowing MYSELF, PERSONALLY, I would just avoid in the future any situation that has me questioning these blurry lines with opposite sex friends.

 

Casual friends are fine. But I had no experience in my life with EA before and a lot of the time they boil down to what you are going to risk believing about a situation, or risk not believing. So, from this, I MYSELF, would avoid any situation in the future that looks anything like this.

 

Again, my experience. My "atypical red flag".