What is considered a large amount of time without communication from the Ex

December 1, 2004

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I wonder how all the posters how helped me are doing. I haven't foregotten the kindness that was extended to me here. Thanks.

I was here for some time. I'm happy to have been gone for awhile now. I came back as a reminder to where I was, and just how miserable I had become. Why do we let another human being bring us to our knees and render us all but helpless? I haven't quite figured it out as of yet. But true power comes from within, There really is a door that says just step right in and change for the better is just around the corner. Perhaps it takes the exhaUSTION THAT COMES WITH BEING MISERABLE FOR ONE TO WANT TO EVEN CONTEMPLATE THE THOUGHT OF PEAKING AROUND THE CORNER. i THINK THAT IS WHAT LEd TO MY EVENTUAL HEALING. i AM BEGINNING TO BELIEVE IN THE SAYING THat time really does heal. But the paradox still remains, is it time or is it simply our will, or more accurately our tired of being miserable that enables us to change for the better regardless of the amount of time.. By change I mean move on, I'm not sure, but it sucks to think how there are others right now with the same pain I was in, truely at the lowest point in life, yet better days really are ahead, sadly just unable to be seen through the tears. To anyone who is reading this and hurting, it will seem so much better and things will be clear, once time passes.Hurt doesn't seem to go away for good, it is like a scar. But what we think about when we are reminded of that scar is entirely up to us. Mine makes me smile now, it may have knocked me down, on my ass in fact for months. She knew it would. One thing I always was aware of was the power the dumper feels and truely does posses in a break up, but, I got back up. Dusted myself off, and now I am a better person for having survived it. I was bored and thought like rambling a bit, I hope I helped someone though, laughter really is good medicine.

Happy Holidays..........and if this year's are going to suck, think about how next year's are going to be so much better....... You Rock!

December 2, 2004

Sid, you seem to be at the stage that most of us just can't wait to get to- where you are starting to REALLY get over the ex. Tears, heartbreak, that sick feeling in your stomach - it all really sucks, but one day you wake up and realize that you CAN move on... I am still waiting for that day to come. I was the dumper in our 3 yr relationship. I had to - he couldn't control his temper. I took his picture, actually one of the both of us in Vegas - off of my desk at work about a month ago... I was cleaning out some drawers in my desk to make room for new work, and found the picture. I had it out on my desk and a gentleman from another company walked by and saw the picture. He said, "I know this guy! He has been dating some girl he works with for 6 months!" Now, I do NOt work with my ex. And we broke up about a month ago. So just when I was beginning to get past the bad feelings, I felt like I got punched in the stomach. I was so upset, I left work early, and went for a drive. I thought about the whole situation, and even though I am upset that he cheated on me, did I REALLY think that he never would? No! And it made me realize that getting away from him was a much better idea after hearing that comment.

He still sends me text messages on my cell phone and tells me how much he misses me. But after what I found out today, there is no going back! Maybe someday I will look back and say, "What in the HELL did I ever see in this guy?" That day can't come soon enough...

December 3, 2004

Trust me, if I can go from seeing a shrink and thinking there was something terribly wrong with me to really seeing the situation as it was (he was a no good prick) and I would NEVER (hate to use that word but it applies here) go back to him, you will get through dumping a cheating angry jerk.

Where I was 9 months ago wasn't pretty. Now, I'm 99%. And loving every minute of it.

December 7, 2004

I guess there is light at the end of the tunnel, although after you recently break up with someone, there is still that hurt inside that makes you want to hibernate. I had a girlfriend up until nust recently, and thr only reason it is hurting so much about the separation, is that I caused it and I didn't mean to. And now, she tells me she just wants to be on her own right now and take care of her daughter, which I think in a nice way is saying thanks for the times we had together.

A friend of mine called me this morning because he's in a similar situation with this other girl (see guys talk about this stuff also) and he told me from this article he read that love comes from within you, and if you don't love yourself then how can you love another person.

Im finding it hard now because it is the holiday season and i havent spent time with anyone esle over the last three years, so it makes it more difficult. Life is a series of ups and downs, and its the downs that we need to make it through.

I hope everyone has a great hoilday and I wish I could just grab my g/f in my arms, hug her tightly and tell her all will be ok. But I can't, so I must move on the best way I know how, by knowing that I am just as nice a person as her and that we all have our flaws, no matter how perfect we think we are.

December 8, 2004

This week it will be two months since I got dumped. I am finally starting to feel better. I'd say for the first month I was miserable. I could barely smile. I put on a brave face when I saw other people, but my mom did tell me I should stop wallowing in self pity. That sort of snapped me out of it after the first month and now rolling into the second month I am feeling a lot better. There won't be a reconciliation with my ex (or an offer of one right now) because he hooked up with another girl like six days after we broke up (he was probably cheating for the last couple of weeks of our relationship, but I have no confirmation of that).

I have been through two really painful break ups now. Actually three break ups, two with the same person and the first one (with my current ex) was a breeze (I initiated it after he wouldn't commit). The second break one (now) did feel like I got punched in the stomach (things were more serious between us). The first break up I ever had with another guy lingered on for a year (we were maybe going to get back together, etc...games.) That was a lot harder to deal with I think.

I've had no contact at all with my current ex. How could I call him if I sort of know he's with somebody else? I couldn't degrade myself to that. But on his end.....I am happy that if anybody (family or friends) asks about me he can say.....I haven't heard anything from her....nothing. That makes me feel good.

But yeah....I'd say a few months after (if you practice no contact) you start to really get the color back in your face, you can deal with the day somewhat normally, with a few patches of sadness. It does feel a lot better. Knowing the history of my ex I think I am probably bound to get a call at like the 3rd months when things with the new girl fizzle. He is such an arrogant prick (and very good looking) but not great in the relationship department. I guess I was the dumb one and forgave him for too much in the past (just stuff I had suspisions about).....to the point where the boundaries in the relationship were blurred. I'll never do that again.

Citygrr---that is a strange twist of fate right there. One reason it is getting easier to get over my ex is because we don't live in the same town anymore. Five hundred miles separate us now......so I have no chance to run into him or anybody he knows. It helps. But that would be horrible to find out your ex had cheated on you in that way. I am sure that will take a while to get used to.

December 8, 2004

Moon - thank you for the encouraging words! It sounds like you have a very good attitude about getting over the xbf. I try to keep a smile on my face, even if it hurts sometimes. I am hoping that the "fake it till you make it" attitude will work. I do not talk to anyone I know about how I am feeling, coz they would be really angry at me since he was such a jerk. And even though he is not very good looking, he has a very charismatic personality. And he owns a company, and has money to burn. The money part was never what attracted me to him. But, according to him, other girls are "blowing up" his phone with phone calls. And he thinks I'm going to panic and call him.... I DON'T THINK SO! Stubbornness is usually a bad characteristic, but it's really helping me now! I was very good to him, and he was at times very physically and mentally abusive. But other times he could be very nice. In a way I miss him, and all of the good times we had together, in spite of the bad, but I know that if he is seeing someone else, he is probably treating them the same way he treated me, or worse.

His birthday is coming up, and he wants me to meet him for his birthday. But I see no reason to see him again. Why prolong the agony? You can't get over someone if you keep seeing them. When I first tried to end it, I would not see him for a few weeks. Then, just when everything seemed to be getting better and I felt stronger and more optimistic, he would talk me into seeing him, and I would be back at square one. The hurt would come back, and I would have to work through it all over again! I lost a lot of my friends because this guy was so controlling, he did not want me to have any friends - he was very jealous of them (male and female). He would grab my cell phone out of my purse, check it, and look at the numbers of people I called, who called me, and in my phone book. If he saw a number in there that he was suspicious of, he would call them from my phone, even in the middle of the night, and hang up. Then when the person called back, he would answer the phone and sit there and say nothing. I use my call phone for work purposes,too,and sometimes it was clients or business contacts he would call. Very embarrassing! Funny thing is, I never DREAMED of cheating on him, not once!

By going back and forth to him, a lot of my friends eventually gave up on me. He threatens that if I don't start seeing him, he is going to sue me for a few trips we went on, and for helping me out financially when I was in and out of the hospital a couple of years ago (I didn't ask him for the help - he came to my house and asked my daughter for all of my bills while I was in the hospital). He sends me text messages saying" If you don't see me, the atty will send the letter out!" HELLO- did you ever hear of EXTORTION?

I WISH he was far away from me. I cannot move because I own a home, and my daughter is in high school and I do not want to uproot her at his time because she loves where we are. But he is not right down the street, either. He lives 20 miles away. I live in the suburbs, and he lives downtown. But yet he makes a point to come out this way and hang out at places close to me. Places he never went to before. So I don't go out much. I really don't even want to run into him. And I love going to see a basketball or baseball game, but I know I'll probably run into him there, too.

Dating is pretty much out of the question at this point - I've checked out a few web dating sites (something I've never done before), mainly to try and convince myself that there ARE nice guys out there, but I know I'm not ready for that just yet. And I'm not too sure that I would date someone I met on the internet, either. I know the old saying "It will happen when you are ready" - corny as it sounds, I know it's true. You would think I was the one being dumped, the way I am talking!

I read in a book that you should give yourself a specific time to mourn, and when that time period is up, force yourself to stop. I think that time is over for me. And being alone for the holidays can be rough, but I have decided that it can be what you make of it, too. By sitting at home and wallowing in self-pity, it will be pretty crappy. So, knowing this, I am going to try to salvage what is left of my friends, and plan a night out. Being around people who are having a good time is much better than sitting at home thinking about HIM.

I know I'm going to come across as Superbitch if I don't send him a card for his birthday, but it will just start the phone calls all over again. Life HAS to go on at some point - and sure, there will be days when you feel sad or down about the person you were once with. But, like you said, every day you feel a little stronger. Those words will keep me motivated, and I think when I get to day 100 I am going to reward myself with something nice. (Hopefully I WILL get there!) I think we all beat ourselves up mentally when a relationship ends, and that is part of the hurt. If you gave it your all and it did not work, why punish yourself? Sure, it didn't work out and you lost what you think is your one-and-only, but for those of us who have been through this in other relationships, deep down we KNOW that eventually the hurt will go away.

Some really good advice from a book called "Are You the One for ME?" - when we end a relationship, a lot of our own thoughts are what make us hurt. For instance, a common thought is " I'll never find anyone like him/her again!" (sob!) - But in reality, you WON'T. Because everyone is different, no two people are alike. You may look at some characteristics of the person you were once with, and think that no one else will possess those qualities which made that person so great. Maybe not - but maybe there is someone out there who has good qualities that your ex is lacking. No one can be perfect in ALL departments!

Anyway, this is the longest post I've ever written. My fingers are about to fall off! We all need to be strong, and give ourselves the credit we deserve. And whether we have been dumped or have dumped someone out of necessity, we are not bad people. Me ex used to call me all sorts of awful names - ugly, old, etc (which I've been told is DEFINITELY not true!) but I would think, " I know damned well you really DON't mean that, because if you did, you would have never have approached me and asked me out in the first place! And you would have never waited six months for me to say yes!"

Whatever traits or characteristics we possess that made this person fall for us will attract someone else to us, too. Maybe someone so much better that the ex will become a distant memory....

December 8, 2004