He wont date me unless we have sex?

[HighNotes]

Idk what to do. There is this really tall and handsome guy in my weight lifting class. I flirted with him and he ended up asking me out. We have been hanging out for a little over a month now.

 

Our dates were great at first. He is such a gentleman and always pays. He is super funny and i just love being with him. But he never made a move on me at all. The most he did was try to hold my hands in a movie.

 

Well last weekend i tried to make a move on him. I went to kiss him and he totally jumped back:sick: he says he doesnt like to kiss very much. He hurt my feelings really bad. I called him when he got home and just straight up asked him if he was gonna make me his girlfriend or if he just saw me as a friend.

 

He told me he liked me a lot. But he wasnt gonna go out with me because he needs certain things out of a relationship. Namely sex and honesty. Im an honest person but im a virgin. And he says he wont be official with me unless he knows we will be having sex regularly. His last girlfriend he dated for 14 months. And i guess they were never able to have comfortable sex during that whole time because he was too big for her. So now he wants to make sure its not gonna be the same.

 

I really want this guy badly. Even my friends are telling me i should lose it to him. I kind of want to do it. But idk im scared?

 

And i know he really will make the perfect boyfriend. Hes not the player type hes really sweet. And he says we dont have to do it right away but hes not gonna wait months for me to be "ready" since if we arent sexually compatible we arent compatible period. His words not mine.

[Grumpybutfun]

HN:

What you described above is the exact definition of a player. Someone who uses emotional manipulation in order to get into a girl's pants while being charming and sweet enough that she doesn't think he is ONLY after sex. Beware of ultimatums in order to get a boyfriend as they won't stop once they start. Someone wanting to date you should never be conditional on sex...ever. Reread that please. Someone wanting to date you should never be conditional on sex. Ever.

No boy who likes you isn't going to want to not kiss you either...that is a huge red flag that something isn't quite right about this guy. Also, the line about not wanting to get into a relationship without the promise of sex is so overused and overdone that it is considered a dating cliché. Your mother, sisters, friends, Nickelodeon/Disney should have warned you about this along time ago.

Your friends are just as young and immature as you are. Having sex for the first time is a very serious thing and should not be done without careful consideration of the emotional fallout from such an act, and also without you being completely comfortable and okay with it.

Reiterating:

This guy IS a player.

Move on,

Grumps

[giblesp]

Let me ask you something, when he tells you that he needs assurance of regular sex, how did it make you feel? Did it give you butterfly feelings in your stomach, an overwhelming desire to be with him now? Did it make you want to love him?

 

No, and it wouldn't make any woman feel that way. No one needs to give a partner assurance of regular sex. Thats not sexy. In fact, I'm sorry but Mr Muscles with his big one, is a bit of a tool.

 

Give it to a man you love. You'll remember that forever.

[Joaquin]

I think you should only have sex with people you want to have sex with, and feel comfortable doing so.

 

The virgin thing is kinda irrelevant.

[Toddbt12y1]

So...you basically want a guy...who wants you to serve as his piece of meat? Sounds like a lovely person to give it up too.

 

Sarcasm....seriously. No! If you value yourself, you will not go with him. He dismisses a kiss. A relationship, all on the basis of sex? Duh! It is what and all he wants from you.

 

Do you really want to be a notch in his belt? Feel forced into sex, instead of letting it happen naturally? I mean, he is forcing this idea upon you, in-order for you to date him.

 

Value yourself. Not the so-called romeo in front of you there.

[coolheadal]

No wait, because he's telling you what to do and if you don't do it then he won't make you his girl friend. First he got no respect for you, if he did he wouldn't have gave you order to give him sex.

 

That's not what it's all about. I it seems your intent is not to give in. Which your right! Do not like peer pressure force you to do the wrong thing. Right now your not in love with this guy and he's not seeing that either. Just like you to are hanging out but not real close like it should be.

 

You should back off from him and tell him NO to his order request! If he says later to you then, move on for the right guy that with respect you for who you. He's not the only guy around and again don't give in to any man like this. You must stay very positive right now. Your intent is to be love and respected not just give them what they want unless you really love them deep down. Not just okay I love him.

 

I am sure by the way your have ask us here for help what to do. Well the above is what to do. Be very careful what you decide here there is no turning back. If I was you I would move on and don't contact him, no text, no email no cell phone an etc..

 

Keep us inform here on how things turn out for you. I wish you the best!

[Lansing]

I am reading this totally differently. Sounds like the guy is fine with the "friendzone" and put himself there. It sounds like the OP wants him to be more, wanted to make a move and went for the kiss. The GUY decides that he can't be in a relationship with her because for him to be in a relationship he wants to be having sex with the girl so puts a stop to the kissing and explains what he feels. Now, the people on this thread are saying he is just a player/etc.

 

I wouldn't consider myself a "player" and I have broken up with girls because we were not on the same page when it came to physical intimacy (not even talking about sex). So, I would definitely keep that in mind before I dated some other girl.

 

Having said all of that, he sounds like he wouldn't wait around for more than a month which is pretty quick so I would say for OP to be very hesitant and maybe just continue the friendship or meet other guys. How old are you and how old is the guy?

[FitChick]

If he was "too big" for a long time girlfriend, it will be torture for you as a virgin, so you might end up injured and sex with anyone afterward could be bad. Sounds like this guy doesn't believe in foreplay or seduction but merely "Wham, bam, thank you ma'am." He is probably also the type to not wear a condom because it might ruin his pleasure. He doesn't care about yours.

 

Some girls have to learn things the hard way (sigh). You can stall him by offering to go with him to a clinic for a blood draw (for him) to check for STDs. If he balks, say "I'm a virgin, so I know I'm clean. Some diseases take a while to manifest, so what is the harm? Unless you have something to hide..."

 

Tell him you are getting an appointment to go on the Pill. You were told that he would have to use a condom for that first month because the hormones from the Pill need time to take effect.

 

He might tell you to just go down on him because it's all about him. I'm sure he's been getting some kind of sex from other women while dating you. If you start developing sores and blisters on your mouth, tongue and lips, see a doctor immediately.

 

Oh, and you might ask him, if he won't wear a condom, what he would do if you got pregnant. Would he contribute financially to your abortion or, if he is against abortion, how will he pay child support for the next eighteen years?

 

In the meantime, you want a preview of his capabilities as a lover, which come from kissing and being affectionate. If he refuses, you have your answer. He just wants sex with a virgin. He will get a high five from the other guys in the gym and you'll have to change gyms.

 

Actually, in re-reading all of the above, maybe just do the last paragraph because that way you will know he's a waste of space sooner rather than later but you might get some pleasure for yourself while he remains frustrated. Then you can warn the other women in the gym that he is a crap lover.

[FitChick]

I am reading this totally differently. Sounds like the guy is fine with the "friendzone" and put himself there. It sounds like the OP wants him to be more, wanted to make a move and went for the kiss. The GUY decides that he can't be in a relationship with her because for him to be in a relationship he wants to be having sex with the girl so puts a stop to the kissing and explains what he feels.

In reading this, I think this could be a valid point. HE only likes her as a friend but didn't want to hurt her feelings by rejecting her outright. Knowing she is a virgin, he says how "big" he is and he wants sex all the time, hoping to turn her off.

 

So my revised advice is to do nothing. Continue to act like a friend. If he no longer makes a move, he put you in the friendzone. If he comes on to you, do what I said in my previous post.

 

Good luck! And don't act so desperate around boys by making the first move. One who likes you will do that.

[mammasita]

Helllllllll no.

[HighNotes]

I dont get why you guys are all calling him a player. Im not some stupid naive girl. Ive dealt with players my whole life which is the main reason im still a virgin.

 

He is not a player. He went out with his last girlfriend for 14 months and never cheated once. Even though a lot of the girls in my our school tried to break them up. I even witnessed some of my friends trying to trap him and he turned them all down.

 

And also he never said he would stop hanging out with me if we didnt have sex. He just said he didnt want an exclusive relationship if we werent gonna be compatible. And that does make sense seeing how he waited 14 months for a girl who was cheating on him.

 

But idk. I cant think of any reason not to im just scared.

[HighNotes]

If he was "too big" for a long time girlfriend, it will be torture for you as a virgin, so you might end up injured and sex with anyone afterward could be bad. Sounds like this guy doesn't believe in foreplay or seduction but merely "Wham, bam, thank you ma'am." He is probably also the type to not wear a condom because it might ruin his pleasure. He doesn't care about yours.

 

Some girls have to learn things the hard way (sigh). You can stall him by offering to go with him to a clinic for a blood draw (for him) to check for STDs. If he balks, say "I'm a virgin, so I know I'm clean. Some diseases take a while to manifest, so what is the harm? Unless you have something to hide..."

 

Tell him you are getting an appointment to go on the Pill. You were told that he would have to use a condom for that first month because the hormones from the Pill need time to take effect.

 

He might tell you to just go down on him because it's all about him. I'm sure he's been getting some kind of sex from other women while dating you. If you start developing sores and blisters on your mouth, tongue and lips, see a doctor immediately.

 

Oh, and you might ask him, if he won't wear a condom, what he would do if you got pregnant. Would he contribute financially to your abortion or, if he is against abortion, how will he pay child support for the next eighteen years?

 

In the meantime, you want a preview of his capabilities as a lover, which come from kissing and being affectionate. If he refuses, you have your answer. He just wants sex with a virgin. He will get a high five from the other guys in the gym and you'll have to change gyms.

 

Actually, in re-reading all of the above, maybe just do the last paragraph because that way you will know he's a waste of space sooner rather than later but you might get some pleasure for yourself while he remains frustrated. Then you can warn the other women in the gym that he is a crap lover.

You dont know him so what makes you think its okay to talk about him like that? that is really rude. he is not that type of guy. Hes had sex with one other girl who was his ex. They broke up before summer started and im the only girl hes even dated since.

And if he just wanted sex he could go get it from other girls. There are plenty of girls in my school who will have have sex with anyone as long as they have a nice body.

 

I will tell him i want to get tested together though.

 

I am reading this totally differently. Sounds like the guy is fine with the "friendzone" and put himself there. It sounds like the OP wants him to be more, wanted to make a move and went for the kiss. The GUY decides that he can't be in a relationship with her because for him to be in a relationship he wants to be having sex with the girl so puts a stop to the kissing and explains what he feels. Now, the people on this thread are saying he is just a player/etc.

 

I wouldn't consider myself a "player" and I have broken up with girls because we were not on the same page when it came to physical intimacy (not even talking about sex). So, I would definitely keep that in mind before I dated some other girl.

 

Having said all of that, he sounds like he wouldn't wait around for more than a month which is pretty quick so I would say for OP to be very hesitant and maybe just continue the friendship or meet other guys. How old are you and how old is the guy?

I am 18 and he is 17. He told me that he does like me as more then a friend.

[TheGuard13]

Player or nonplayer, I think it's perfectly acceptable to want to have regular sex in a relationship. But unless you also don't like kissing, you guys don't sound very compatible.

[Janesays]

Are you guys in high school? You sound super young.

[Janesays]

 

 

I am 18 and he is 17. He told me that he does like me as more then a friend.

 

*cracks up laughing at a 17 year old boy bragging about how big is penis is and claiming it 'hurt' his last (and probably only) girlfriend.

 

What a little tool bag!

[HighNotes]

*cracks up laughing at a 17 year old boy bragging about how big is penis is and claiming it 'hurt' his last (and probably only) girlfriend.

 

What a little tool bag!

 

It was his only girlfriend. Your point is? And he wasnt bragging he was being honest. He told me that its width is more than 6 inches. I googled it and that is big and it can cause problems for some girls.

 

where do you get off calling him a tool bag? you dont know him so just stop.

[Ninjainpajamas]

This is ridiculous.

[Janesays]

It was his only girlfriend. Your point is? And he wasnt bragging he was being honest. He told me that its width is more than 6 inches. I googled it and that is big and it can cause problems for some girls.

 

where do you get off calling him a tool bag? you dont know him so just stop.

 

Yeah. Every 17 year old boy I've ever known has had a gigantic penis with a diameter of eleventy billion inches that just rips women to shreds because he might as well be a t-freaking-rex, he is so HUGE.

 

Every single 17 year old boy I have ever known.

 

They're all tool bags and so is this one, too. Most grow out if it. In the meantime, if you want to lose your virginity to this douche, go ahead. Personally, I'd wait for a man.

[MrCastle]

Not sure I feel better or worse about this thread after learning the ages of op and the guy in question.

 

You're 18 worried about a 17 year old? You know legally you can date men, right?

[coolheadal]

Oh that explains it'. She's 18 and he's 17. Still too young and if you do what he wants you to do if you have accident and get with child then what? Listen to everyone here. We are trying to help you. You came to us here for help. If you don't listen, then it's on you. Should be able to date without pressure for sex and your still a virgin as you say. But if he's the guy for you then it's your decision to make in any case.

[samsungxoxo]

I hope the OP didn't even end sleeping with that loser. He is exactly what you said he isn't; a player.

 

This might not be the best advice but OP this is what you should do: since you're a virgin, go find a virgin guy that has your same values. Don't you think that if you ever lost your virginity, wouldn't you find it special that the guy waited for you too and loses it to you??? Why lose to a guy won't give you back someone special in return and has the nerve to demand regular sex??

 

And yes, it's very weird that he jumped back quickly at the idea of kissing but wants sex?? RED FLAG

[Zahara]

Didn't want to kiss you but wants sex? His big penis is the least of your problems.

[veggirl]

don't have sex with a guy who won't even kiss you. he is not willing to follow a natural progression of things and tbh it all sounds awkward now. he is using sex as a manipulative bargaining tool! that is sick. he is using his experience against your naivety. you should run from this guy, as fast as your legs will carry you.

[Blastoplast]

A couple of oddities in your post -- the fact he jumps back from a kiss because he doesn't like it very much, but then later lays some ground rules for a relationship saying he requires sex and honesty (understandable). It's just a little strange to me, and sounds like he has intimacy issues (to me, it sounds like he's more of a "****er" and not a "lover").

 

It just seems that to me with everything I've read he's either not ready for a relationship with you, or only wants to be friends with benefits. The no kissing is a big red flag, lack of advances on you is another, and then that he needs sexuality in a relationship. I don't know the guy, and I'm sure he IS a good guy. But physical intimacy is a HUGE part of a relationship, and it's a road that goes 2 ways. If you go in, don't go in with the expectation that "He's perfect", there is no perfection in relationships. You're young, there's no rush to lose your virginity -- I didn't until I was 20.

 

If there's somebody you really care for, sex can wait. If he REALLY cares for you, sex can wait. Building an emotional bond first really pays off. A girl I'm dating right now laid ground rules for no sex until we know each other well, and I'm ok with it because I really care for her.

 

There's no race to lose your virginity, you're still in high school. I didn't lose mine until I was 20. So to wrap it up, go in with lukewarm expectations, don't have sex with him just to have a relationship with him, and don't think you know everything -- because you're young and you know nothing

 

Good luck!

[MalachiX]

A lot of people's responses have been a bit critical and condescending so I get why the OP is getting a tad defensive.

 

That said, most of these people are (I think rightfully) sensing that you guys are very young (as indicated by your own admission) and that perhaps you're about to make a fairly big choice based on pressure form this guy.

 

I don't know this guy so I don't know if he's sincere or not.

 

I might understand his attitude if he were five or ten years older but it does feel a bit much for a 17-year-old to be insisting on a regular sex life and asking you to make this decision.

 

I don't know how "ready" you feel at this point or how much of a connection you and this guy have. I also don't know how many relationships you've had. What I do know is that losing your virginity can be quite a big deal and there's a good chance you might regret doing so in order to secure this guy as a boyfriend.

 

You'll have all the time in the world to let sex mess with relationships. So many people in their mid twenties and onward have a bunch of sexual deal-breakers. You really should enjoy this time when you can make decisions based purely on what feels right and how much you like a person without having to deal with a lot of baggage (like him being frustrated sexually with an EX).

 

I'd just suggest you slow down and really think through what you want.

 

It was his only girlfriend. Your point is? And he wasnt bragging he was being honest. He told me that its width is more than 6 inches. I googled it and that is big and it can cause problems for some girls.

 

Not trying to pick on your guy or anything BUT...

 

a.) It's a tad odd for him to be giving you the exact dimensions of his penis (perhaps it made more sense in the context of the conversation).

 

b.) A penis which is more than six inches wide would be some kind of hideous monstrosity that no woman would ever want inside her (unless you meant circumference rather than width).