Terrible dilemma

[daisywindmill]

Hello everybody.

 

This is quite a long story but I shall keep it brief and to the point.

 

I am a single mother and have two fine sons, now aged 17 and 18 and a half.

 

My fiance lives some 100 miles away and we are to marry next year. However, both sons were due to leave home this year; one to go to University and the other to join the Army.

 

When that happened, I was to move in with my fiance.

 

There has been a delay with my son joining the Army; it will now be early next year. Also, my eldest did not get the grades he needed for university so is at college with a plan to go to Uni in two years' time.

 

My eldest son expressed that he would like to house share with a friend of his, so after a lot of soul searching and discussion, I agreed that I would move out in January and they would stay here, in their home, with my financial support.

 

My youngest son was very happy to do this too and has been making plans for the house etc. At no time did he show unhappiness at me moving out.

 

I have found myself in two minds about the whole thing. I love my sons deeply and would do anything for them.

 

I have felt guilty that I would be the one to "fly the nest" first and not my sons.

 

But they have reassured me, for many months now, that they were happy to stay on here and were looking forward to their independence. (they both work part time and will be financially secure, especially as I will be paying most of the rent and household bills).

 

So, thinking they were happy, I have secured myself a once in a lifetime job near to where I shall be living with my fiance, my eldest son's friend has come to the home often and is very excited about the move, etc and plans have been made.

 

Sadly, two weeks ago, but youngest son has had a major change of heart and has expressed that he does not want me to move out and that I am a terrible mother to even consider it.

 

I explained that I only considered it because they were happy to do it and had he made his feelings known sooner, I would not have made plans but stayed here until he joined the Army.

 

My eldest son said he wants to live on his own here with his friend and neither of us can understand why my youngest son has now had a change of heart.

 

He did speak to his father two weeks ago however. Their father does not have a lot of contact with them and sees them approximately every three months.

 

I am completely messed up now and really have no idea what to do.

 

Part of me knows I should stay home, give up the job, postpone the wedding and wait until my sons leaves for the Army.

 

But part of me thinks that I will never get this opportunity again, of such a good career.

 

I have devoted my life to my children and will continue to be here for them.

 

I have to make a decision soon but at the moment all I can do is worry myself stupid and yes, I do now feel like a bad mother.

 

Any thoughts would be gratefully received.

 

Daisy.

[bluechocolate]

He did speak to his father two weeks ago however.

 

Sadly, two weeks ago, but youngest son has had a major change of heart and has expressed that he does not want me to move out and that I am a terrible mother to even consider it.

 

Sounds to me as if the boys father has put a "bee in his bonnet" about you moving, otherwise why the sudden change of heart? Did you ask him why he has changed his mind? Perhaps he could go and live with his father or he could move with you?

 

Could there be something else going on here? Does he get along with his older brother?

 

(they both work part time and will be financially secure, especially as I will be paying most of the rent and household bills)

 

that he does not want me to move out and that I am a terrible mother to even consider it.

 

Gosh - those two things just don't seem to add up to me! Did he really suggest that you are a terrible mother for even considering this? Does that make him a terrible son for even considering that he would join the army & leave his mother?

 

There has been a delay with my son joining the Army; it will now be early next year.

 

So what exactly is his problem then? That you won't be there for a couple of months before he joins the army?

 

I know this must be very difficult for you but I think you should stick to your plans. Your sons are young adults now & are hardly being left to fend for themselves & 100 miles is not the other side of the planet.

[moimeme]

I agree with bluechocolate completely. It's not as if you're moving across the continent, and both boys could be living with roommates or on their own, were they at university. Your youngest is within a stone's throw of adulthood - as you point out, he's old enough to go kill people so he's certainly old enough to manage living with his brother for a few months.

 

Don't let him guilt-trip you into wrecking this wonderful opportunity. You have to live the rest of your life somehow when your kids are gone and you deserve a great job if you can get it.

[tiki]

I agree too. They helped make this decision, now they can help carry it through.

 

I've seen another set of great parents do this, they moved to another country and let their three kids stay in the home. Everything worked out splendidly from what I understand...and the kids were VERY mature.

 

Tell your son to try it out. That this is the early stages of true adulthood. If he hates it, then check out further options. I think he'll be fine and loving it once he gets into the swing of things.

[HokeyReligions]

Man, kids are just as good at pushing parents buttons, as parents are of pushing kids buttons!

 

Part of being a good parent is taking care of yourself and setting a good example.

 

Some of what you will be teaching them is that:

 

[] Discuss important changes in your lives with everyone whose life will be touched by the decision (you all did that)

 

[] Clearly define the pros and cons of the decision (you all did that)

 

[] Once a decision is made, stick to it even if that means a brief bit of emotional turmoil.

 

[] Flexibility with circumstances outside of one's control can often be handled without major upheaval of the decision (you all decided that they would live as roommates for a bit until the Uni and Army plans come to fruition)

 

If you back-pedal now out of guilt, you will be teaching them that they can run all over you, and that they have complete control over YOUR happiness.

 

Yes, being a parent comes first -- but no matter what happens in your life you will always be their mom. Being a parent should not exclude your own happiness outside of parenting. They will need to know this too for their own future relationships.

 

Stand firm and don't give up that great job and being closer to the man you will marry. It is YOUR life too!

[tiki]

Originally posted by HokeyReligions

Being a parent should not exclude your own happiness outside of parenting. They will need to know this too for their own future relationships.

 

Stand firm and don't give up that great job and being closer to the man you will marry. It is YOUR life too!

 

I couldn't agree more.

 

As a single mom, it's my job to show my child what love is. I've read from psychologist Kevin Lehman to begin disciplining your child as early as the age of two weeks old...make a date with your mate, get a sitter and go have fun. It teaches them the greatest gift that they could be given -- how to love. But it teaches them that you have another life! Keep that life.

 

Children will grow old and move away from home. Keep what you have with your mate burning forever. That way, when the kids are gone, you've still got one another and you haven't built your marriage on the kids, but on your love for one another.

 

Love is grand. And you're giving them that gift. Teach them to love.

[moimeme]

Not only that, you're teaching them that if they say something, they can't renege and expect everybody to accommodate them. Your son said it was fine and he was looking forward to your move. He has to know he can't just change his mind and expect you to jump and do his bidding. He needs to understand that isn't going to happen in the rest of his life, and it certainly won't happen if he's in the army. Time for him to grow up and be responsible.

[tiki]

...exactly! Stick to your guns or he'll think you'll come running back every time he pouts. He helped make this decision, remind him of that.

 

I know it must be hard. I wish you well. Let us know how it turns out.

[daisywindmill]

First, can I say a huge thank you to you all for taking the time out to read and reply to my post.

 

I really did expect everyone to say what an awful mother I was and how could I abandon my children, as this is how I am feeling right now about myself.

 

My youngest son has been through a fair few scrapes over the past years and I have always been there for him and supported him throughout it all.

 

My eldest son does not give me any cause for concern and in that respect I have been very fortunate.

 

But, despite everything, we are very close and have built a life for ourselves and the boys have never gone without anything, material or otherwise.

 

Sadly, their father has very little to do with them but when he does, he snaps his fingers and they jump.

 

I think that there was more to my youngest just having a change of heart about the move, but having spoken to him again today, he now says that he did not have a problem with it, but as time has gone on he began to get cold feet as it will be weird, not having me here.

 

None of it fits, although I can understand him having doubts as I have had them from the moment the decision was made.

 

My eldest son has told me that he is more than happy with the situation and in his opinion, I am now entitled to build my own life. He is a very mature young man.

 

He and his brother do get on, well they don't have a lot to do with each other as they have different personalities and interests, but they don't fight or argue.

 

Also, we had a trial run of the three of them living together a couple of months ago and they really did enjoy it.

 

I have told them both that it does not matter where I am, I am their mother and I love them and will always support and be there for them.

 

It's going to be very difficult moving out, I shall be hurting and yes, feeling guilty but I shall be returning home most weekends and I shall telephone them each day.

 

The friend who is moving in with them has his parents literally up the road and his mother will be popping in each week.

 

My parents live ten minutes away and they also will pop over.

 

They are to have the house and all the contents and furniture and it will be my main home for the next few months, until the wedding.

 

I came very close to cancelling all the plans and staying here until my youngest joined the Army, but now I really feel I need to make the break. But I'm waivering, racked with guilt and love for my sons.

 

What I did point out to my son was the fact that he does spend a lot of time out of the home, with his friends or girlfriend, so should I stay, will he stay in more? A "no" there I think!

 

If I go, I just hope they will not grow apart from me. I won't let that happen and I know my eldest son will be fine, but I don't want to lose my youngest child.

 

My fiance has been brilliant. Poor guy. He said he will support me in any decision I make, but he believes moving is the right one. Of course, I think this is purely because he wants me with him, but much of what he has said has been stated by you guys too.

 

Anyway, I am rambling now and will send you all to sleep.

 

I will ruminate some more and let you know my decision.

 

And again, thank you so much for your words.

 

Daisy.