How do I trust a man who lied?

[Raena]

So here's the story:

My boyfriend and I have been together for 11 years. We have a child together. He started working the evening shift at a great job when our child started school. All was great in our relationship, I had no reason to be concerned about his behavior until about 6 months ago. I hardly ever get to see him because he works 7 days a week, 5 of them are until the wee hours of the morning. I get to see him on Saturday and Sunday nights and that is it except for in the summer.

 

6 months ago, I was notified by a friend that some girl was trying to contact me on twitter. I had a twitter account that I had set up many years ago but never used it. So I go log in and this girl had messaged me asking if I my boyfriend and I were married. I told her no but said he is my boyfriend (I hate saying that because it seems so silly at my age). She immediately posts that she is heartbroken. It wasn't directed at me, but since I could see that she had just created the account and the only questions she had asked were to my friends and to me, I wondered what she was talking about. I wasn't thinking anything of it at first because I trusted my man. So I text him and ask him who this girl is. He tells me he doesn't know. A few minutes later, I tweeted to her again asking her who she was and how she knew my man. She responds by telling me that she can't talk to me because he threatened her... told her he would make sure she lost her job if she talked to me. I told her that couldn't happen, to just tell me what's going on. I tried to get her to talk to me in a more private setting on FB but she told me that he had blocked her from my fb account. I thought she was lying until I went and looked at my fb and realized that she was in fact blocked, and I know I didn't do it. Shortly after that, I get a message from my bf on fb. It said something to the effect of "ha ha, you have been hacked". By this time, my stomach was in knots. Something wasn't sitting right about all of this.

 

My bf was at work at the time. When he got home, he tells me he has no idea who hacked his fb, or who this girl is. He insisted that he wasn't talking to any other females, that he is always at work and there aren't any females there. Now he has a history of lying and cheating. I had forgiven him for his past transgressions and thought we were past all that. It had been 7 years of him being faithful and honest and I had just finally started really trusting him again. Life was good as far as I knew it. I was feeling somewhat lonely not seeing him all the time but it wasn't that big of a deal. We texted and talked all night long every night and made time for each other on the weekends. I didn't want to believe that he had cheated again, but my gut told me something was up.

 

Time went on and I found out that he was lying to me about her. She did in fact work at the same place he works. She is the cleaning lady in the offices of the plant that he works at. He lied about knowing her, then he lied about how much time he talked to her. He eventually told me that they talk during their lunch break and that's it. He told me this sob story about how she is a recovering drug addict and he was trying to help her with this. Well, the lies started piling up. It was all very strange. He and I moved to this state from another state 6 years ago. She happened to be from the exact same town that we used to live in and now just happens to work at the same plant that he works at. A month later, I decided to go look at our phone logs. The plan was in my name so I had access to his phone logs. I saw who he called right after I texted him about her. I then looked up that number on google and found out it was her. I then went back and looked and realized that the two of them had been talking, texting and sending picture messages back and forth to each other, all day, every day (30+ times a day) for 3 months prior to her contacting me. I thought to myself... how stupid can this man be. I mean he used the phone that I pay for to chat with this girl constantly and thought I wasn't going to go look at it. When I confronted him with this, the **** hit the fan. Many discussions and arguments ensued. He insisted that he had done nothing wrong, that there wasn't a relationship, that he was just trying to be a friend to her to help her out and that she took it the wrong way. I told him that carrying on talking to another female behind my back, especially after what had happened in our past, was cheating and that he shouldn't have done it... or he at least should have told me about her. He admitted he was wrong, that he shouldn't have done any of that. Eventually, he had me convinced that I should let it go. I won't get into all the gory details of how that happened, but I will say that it didn't happen overnight. It took a lot of talks and open communication about what was happening. I wasn't ready to just walk away from our relationship. We have come so far and we have a child together who adores his father. If he and I split up, it would devastate our child.

 

I couldn't let it go though. I started watching what this girl posted on twitter. The things she posted made my blood boil. She never came out and said his name but there were constant comments like "I can't wait to see my sexy at 8:00" (his lunch break is at 8) "Oh I'm sure I'll get dumped again tonight for the 100th time" (this is right after he told me that he had told her that she crossed the line and needed to leave him alone) This went on for 6 months. I kept taking screen shots of what she was writing and talked about it with my girlfriend. Eventually I about blew my top and said something to my boyfriend about it. I showed him all of the crap she was writing. It went on and on and on. She writes stuff, then deletes it, then write more and deletes it. Just about all of it had to do with him. I really lost it when she posted "I should be able to text message with my boyfriend like any other normal relationship". Mind you, I of course kept watching his phone log and saw that he wasn't texting or calling with her anymore just as he said he wasn't but that every month there would be at least one text message and one picture message from her to him. One of these was immediately before she posted that she should be able to text with her bf.

 

So I blew up at him and wanted to know the whole truth about what had happened. To me it seemed that she believed she was still carrying on a relationship with him, even though he insisted that he no longer spoke to her. Not long after I had this conversation with him... I get an email on fb from her. She tells me that she can see every time I look at her twitter and wanted me to stop stalking her. Then she went on to say that she would tell me the truth but she is afraid I will go right back to him. Then an hour later she wrote back again saying that they were just friends and that my jealousy "rewened" her friendship with him. The girl can't spell and she is about 15 years younger than us and has two kids of her own. I wrote back and blasted her. I mean really, 6 months had gone by. Why in the heck did she contact me out of the blue like that, right after I had told him about what she had been posting. To me it was obvious that he had talked to her. He insisted that he hadn't, that she had told him back when this all started that she could see who looked at her twitter. I told him that was impossible, since the way Twitter is designed... it does not allow for that kind of tracking. This is especially true in this case because I never logged in to twitter to look at her stuff. It is a public forum, anyone can see it and no one can tell who is looking at it. Anyhow, not long after that email she posts this on twitter "My sexy is being mean to me. Well, you shouldn't have let me slip 10 hours away then. You claim to love me, but you are still with her..." She had moved back to the state that she had lived in before, the one that we are all from. Anyhow, I am now at a point where I don't know what to do.

 

It seems pretty obvious to me that something went on between the two of them. He obviously cheated and he was obviously still talking to her... just wasn't doing it via phone and text message that I could see. I'm not stupid enough to not know that there are countless other ways to communicate that I wouldn't know about. I mean, I wouldn't be able to tell if he was or wasn't.

 

I'm an emotional wreck about all of this. I don't want my son to lose his father, and I can't afford this house that we live in by myself so ending this relationship would be very difficult on both me and my child. Besides all of that, I have no real proof that anything went on between them. All I do know is that he lied to me. In reality, that should be enough for me to walk away considering our past history together. I'm just a little scared to do that. I don't want my son to grow up without his father. I know for a fact that if he and I split up, he will leave the state. He hates it here. The only reason he is here is because of us. If I kick him out, he will leave the area and my boy will grow up without his father. In addition, not much has changed in our relationship. We still talk all the time. When we are together, things are decent. We laugh, we joke, we have a good time, my son is happy. How do I end all of that just because of this stupid little girl? But then again... how do I trust him? How can I EVER trust him again? Why stay in a relationship with a man I'm not even married to? How do I ever get back to the point where I can feel good about us and moving forward? He doesn't like to talk about it and since we only have a limited amount of time together, I don't bring it up. This has definitely affected our relationship but I don't know what to do about it. It seems like the facts are there and I should trust my gut and just move on away from him but it really isn't that easy.

[coolheadal]

Very detail story you have shared with all us here. Yes your son should not grow up without his father. Right now you and him have no commitments, so it's seems to be an open relationship. To him that's his intent and he just fooling himself into thinking you would never find out.

 

But oops you did! You have caught him but he started to lie to you. What should you do. Well you told use your intent and why you can't leave him because of the house, and your son needs a father.

 

This is a real mess your in, and he's no good for you. Cheaters never make good on their promises they can't help it because they have cheated. Now you have to think what to do NOW!

 

Stay with guy and just live like you do or leave, I know that's not an option either. So he works 7 days a week, you don't seem him except for weekends late night.

 

You really don't know what he is doing and how do you know he doesn't have more women than the one that had contacted you. He can't be trusted now or ever! So should you do the same to him, but that's up to you? I don't believe in cheating it has happen to me and my EX is gone and I moved to another state and have GF since then. The EX and I have NC since she has her many BF, she reminds me of your BF. So I know where you coming from with the trust is broken.

 

Right now you got to sit your BF down and talk to him, if he doesn't want to tell you the truth just going to have to decide what you want to do. Stay put and let things keep going on. Or do something about it?

 

Keep us posted on your progress. Don't worry you have friends here to care about you too..

Edited October 5, 2013 by coolheadal

[Raena]

Thank you so much for your kind insight. I guess I should have posted a warning that it was very long story. It's my first time posting on a site like this. I have to say, I do feel much better just getting it off my chest in writing. I rarely talk about this with anyone just because I don't want to drag them into my drama. I suppose did so anyhow by posting on here though, huh? At some point I do really need to sit down and talk with him about all of this, again. I feel like I have talked about it so much with him but I always get the same response. He doesn't know what to say, he doesn't know how to fix this. I don't either.

[The Way I Am]

He knows how to fix this. Stop messing around with other women. He just doesn't want to.

 

Personally, I think a guy who would completely abandon his kid because he was divorced from the kid's mother can't be much of a father at all.

 

You've given him multiple chances, I really don't see the point of giving him another.

[2sunny]

Have some self respect. Stop seeing him - stop communicating with him.

 

He's cheating. He's made you look like a fool. Nothing about any of what you describe is loving behavior.

 

Dump him and get counseling to find out why you've settled and stay with such disrespect and disregard.

 

 

I don't know why you stayed one more minute after she contacted you the first time!

 

He can see the child as scheduled by the court. Get the court order. You be the one to file. Get busy!

 

You can't trust him - he's still lying!

[Raena]

Have some self respect. Stop seeing him - stop communicating with him.

 

It isn't as simple as that. We live together.

 

He's cheating. He's made you look like a fool. Nothing about any of what you describe is loving behavior.

 

Dump him and get counseling to find out why you've settled and stay with such disrespect and disregard.

 

The way I see it, leaving him isn't something that has to happen right this minute.... he is hardly ever home because of his job. If we do end up splitting up then there are some things that need to be put into place beforehand.. like who will watch our son before school, I'd have to find another place to live in the same school district (that isn't all that easy to do around here, not too many apartments or houses for rent here)

 

I don't know why you stayed one more minute after she contacted you the first time!

 

She never told me anything! That's why I didn't just jump to "let's split up" She still denies that anything went on but my gut tells me different... at least from her point of view... she has feelings for him, he says he doesn't feel the same way about her that he was just trying to be a friend. It's not like she came right out and said that he cheated... she never did.

 

He can see the child as scheduled by the court. Get the court order. You be the one to file. Get busy!

 

You can't trust him - he's still lying!

 

I tried doing the multi-quote reply and for whatever reason, it didn't work. I hope this posts ok.

[Raena]

Wow. You are right. That was harsh and completely unhelpful. I'm not saying what you said isn't true. It isn't anything I haven't already told myself over and over again. I should leave him and yes I blame myself. Thanks for making me feel stupid. I'm pretty sure I made it clear that leaving him isn't that easy. Having a baby with him wasn't planned and it scared the crap out of me. I didn't want it to happen but it did and I had to work that out too. I left him for a year right around the time our son was born and moved several states away. He came here when my son was a year old. He was a different man, he had stopped drinking and was hell bent on making changes in our relationship and being a father to his child. I didn't want to give him another chance but we had a child together and it seemed like he really wanted to make it work. It did work for a long time too. Then this situation happened. Yes he screwed up in the past, but he did try to change that and I slowly began to trust him again. I guess a leopard can't change its spots though because it sure does seem like he is doing the same stupid stuff all over again. Had I not mentioned that he had transgressed in the past do you think you would have responded in the same manner? I think I have fallen victim to that thinking as well. Because of his past actions, I immediately assumed he had done something wrong... and that is all part of why he didn't tell me the truth about talking to her because he knew how I would respond to it. It is much more complicated than just that he cheated. As I have said several times, I'm not sure he even actually cheated or if she wanted him badly enough to act like a crazy lady over it all. Numerous other posts she has written tell me that she has a great deal of issues of her own about latching on to men too quickly. I see his paycheck every week, I know how many hours he works. I know he is at work and that he comes straight home from work... so I have yet to figure out when he would have had an opportunity to do anything with her outside of work. My nephew works at the same place and has told me that he didn't see anything going on with this girl, just that he talked to her. I think my main reason for posting on here was two-fold... to get it off my chest and to see if other people saw the same thing I did... am I overreacting? Your response tells me that I'm not.

[soccerrprp]

I am going to assume that after 11-years that you had no desire to marry.

 

It will be very difficult, but his elaborate story tells you that he is capable of and open to complex deception and that could possibly mean that other such inclinations will come out and rear its head.

 

Once a cheater and having succeeded to some level in deceiving his partner, always a cheater....so it goes.

[The Way I Am]

It is much more complicated than just that he cheated. As I have said several times, I'm not sure he even actually cheated or if she wanted him badly enough to act like a crazy lady over it all. Numerous other posts she has written tell me that she has a great deal of issues of her own about latching on to men too quickly. I see his paycheck every week, I know how many hours he works. I know he is at work and that he comes straight home from work... so I have yet to figure out when he would have had an opportunity to do anything with her outside of work. My nephew works at the same place and has told me that he didn't see anything going on with this girl, just that he talked to her. I think my main reason for posting on here was two-fold... to get it off my chest and to see if other people saw the same thing I did... am I overreacting? Your response tells me that I'm not.

 

He doesn't get to use the fact that he's cheated and given you legitimate reason to distrust him as an excuse to deceive you and hide his behavior.

 

The fact that he's cheated in the past means that he should be MORE transparent about his behavior to show you that he can be trusted.

 

The woman probably is posting those tweets hoping that you'll read them and dump him. But it's highly unlikely that she's continuing to do so without any encouragement from him. The times she's contacted you back tracking and denying anything has ever happened seem like he's just saying what he's spoon feeding her.

 

I don't know to what extent he's been lying to you. But I know he's been lying and he probably wouldn't go to the extent he has to cover it up if there wasn't something big to cover. Him sending you that "you have been hacked" message on facebook is pretty disgusting. That was not hacking. That was not a woman trying to make him look bad by spreading lies. That was all him trying to mess with your head to cover his tracks.

[Raena]

He doesn't get to use the fact that he's cheated and given you legitimate reason to distrust him as an excuse to deceive you and hide his behavior.

 

Absolutely right!

 

I agree with you too that she may be doing this to piss me off and force us to break up and that she isn't doing that without encouragement. I mean, the facts are all there aren't they? What crazy kind of psycho would you have to be to carry on like that for 6 months after the fact? This is especially true if they were nothing more than "friends" as they have both stated.

 

In one last ditch effort, I just suggested to him that we try counseling. I don't think it will work... lying and cheating is his "go-to" behavior and as others have mentioned, I've given him too many chances as it is. I feel like I have to try everything possible before I just cut him off... especially knowing what it will do to my son. From research I have done on this topic, I know that for many people counseling is a last ditch effort and it shouldn't be. By the time it gets to that point, it is really too late.

 

to soccerprp... yes, it was my decision not to get married. I wanted to be sure that he had changed his ways. I'm glad now that I didn't jump the gun on that and waited a long time to see how things went. I did get to the point where I was trusting him again, but thinking back on it, I don't think I ever truly forgave him for what he did before.