"Girls night"

[sibernox]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years. I'm 25, she's 21.

 

Anyway, last night I was at my friend's place with some friends and she had a girls night at some bar downtown. It was agreed that I'd pick her up at around 2AM. At around 1:45 I get downtown and decide to show up at the bar to surprise her (had bought her her favorite chocolate and thought it would be sweet)

 

I show up at the bar, look for her, go to the dance-floor, and what happened next is unclear/hazy. I see her, with some dude all over her (trying to grab her or already grabbing her), dancing. She sees me there, her face changes completely, and she comes up to me. I just go "what's going on?" and she swears to me nothing. She claims she was pushing him off her. The thing is, she had a smile on her face, not sure if it was an awkward smile or a "I'm loving this attention smile". Her friends immediately came up to me to tell me that nothing had happened. She swears that nothing happened, she says the universe is against her because she was at the bar for an hour+ and I happened to show up for the 2-3 seconds where some guy was all over her/trying to be all over her. Thing is, I don't know whether she pushed him off BEFORE she saw me or if she pushed him off BECAUSE she saw me.

 

I know it's not cheating even if she was dancing with the dude, but I'm not 20 anymore. I want respect in my relationship, and the girl I want to marry being out with her friends and getting hit on/groped by guys all night is not exactly my idea of a woman.

[coolheadal]

Girls Night out is the worst thing that can happen in any relationship! This happen to me and now the EX is gone. She started cheating said the same as yours did to you. But you had caught her in the act. Funny how they say noting happen. When they do this it means something did happen but they are in a panic state because she didn't think you where going to see what she was doing like you did.

 

SURPRISE!

 

Well you know now. What to expect from her for now on. Worst if you get married and she's carrying on like this. But your not yet and something you have to think about. Remember the lies have started to spill out. Don't be blinded by them. I am telling you this from experience. But you can change things now or stay with her? Your choice. I would move on get away from it.

Edited October 5, 2013 by coolheadal

[sibernox]

She hasn't even texted me all day either. I haven't heard from her whatsoever since she left for work this morning. Is that okay? Am I in the wrong here? Should I contact her?

[coolheadal]

She hasn't even texted me all day either. I haven't heard from her whatsoever since she left for work this morning. Is that okay? Am I in the wrong here? Should I contact her?

 

Listen pull your gut in and let her contact you. Don't you dare contact her okay! No your not in the wrong it's her that is. Your very lucky most don't find out until the very end, but you now know what she does at Girls Night Out! That's a joke too because guys will be hitting on her as you did see but she had enjoyed and allowed it. But you appeared out of the blue. So she needs to come clean and contact you?

 

If you don't hear from her in a 1 or two then more on. Your suppose to be upset of course it's not good to get upset just drains your energy down. You want to stay on top of things stay positive.

Your older than her, 25 so you know better. She's still young 21. Some of these 20 to 21 girls like open relationships so they can explore. She's doing that now when then go on The GIRLS NIGHT OUT!.

Edited October 5, 2013 by coolheadal

[MrCastle]

Girls in relationships going places without their boyfriends where alcohol and single guys are in abundance is always bad.

 

Don't for one second think because her girlfriends are there that they'll be watching her for you. Some of them will be pushing her to "have fun," and they'll say whatever she tells them to say if you ask them anything. Their loyalty is to their friend, no matter what.

 

This is not intended to put cynical ideas in your head.

 

When you have a girl like this, there are only 2 ways for the relationship to work

 

1.) You are very casual and don't care what she does with other guys

2.) You are in an extremely trusting relationship and you have complete faith that she won't do anything

 

If this is a regular bf/gf scenario and you're telling yourself "well she'll get out of this party phase soon," you're wrong, people don't change. Either accept her behavior or move on if it's too much for you because this is who she is and who she's going to be. Or, if you spend time worrying about what she's doing, then you don't really trust her and soon enough that will pose more problems down the road.

 

I personally think it's a little too convenient that she pushed off the guy as soon as you came in. She hasn't texted you either because she is still too embarrassed to face you or in her warped mind it's your fault for showing up 15 minutes early and is expecting you to apologize to her

[Shara21]

Wow..

That's a heck of a lot of negativity. Honestly, this is completely biased and very unfair. I suppose that no man should ever go to a bachelor party and no guy should ever have "guy time" either?

 

To the person who responded saying that girls nights are the worst thing ever... you dated someone who cheated on you and yes, that hurt you and made it harder for you to trust, join the club. Just because one person was not respectful does not mean that you can't trust any woman - ever.

 

Quickly, spending time apart is extremely important in a relationship. It helps each person continue to grow as an individual and it is that individual person that you fell in love with. She can't just be an extension of you just like you can't just be an extension of her.

 

No one here can tell you whether or not she is cheating on you or if she intended to cheat on you. What I can tell you as a 25 year old faithful woman... yes, when we go out girls get hit on. Guys get into our space and get uncomfortably close. Some guys pick up body language and keep moving on more easily while others linger a little longer. It's not always pleasant to tell a guy to bugger off (some men can't believe that any woman would not want to be with him and get confrontational) so personally, I'd prefer the guy gets the message via my body language. If she was aware enough to be looking around the room and spot you I would put my money on the fact that she wasn't encouraging this guy and more likely, looking for a distraction or a reason to walk away.

 

I know My boyfriend gets hit on. I've seen situations that could be highly suspicious as has he with me but I trust him and he trusts me and I will continue to trust him until he gives me a reason not to. I've been badly hurt before but I know he is a good person and no relationship can work without trust.

 

Hope this gives you something to chew on

[giblesp]

She wasn't necessarily betraying you.

 

BUT there's a reason why a girls night out consists of going to places where they will be young men drinking and trying it on with them. They like the men. Maybe not to have sex with, or even kiss. But they like to be seen as attractive, desirable to the opposite sex. Otherwise, they'd get together at one of their homes, or go out during the day.

 

Your GF might have just been enjoying the sexual polarity with the drunk strange guy. It wasn't going to lead anywhere, just her leading him on a bit and then turning him away. Some girls get their kicks out of that.

 

Whatever it was, you're not happy and I think any BF, or GF, would be suspicious and uncomfortable at this point.

 

As another poster said, the fact that she didn't contact you the next day is not a good sign. It suggests lack of communication, and good communication is what she needs right now if she wants to save her relationship with you.

Edited October 5, 2013 by giblesp

[Shara21]

Women who are in committed relationships don't go to bars simply to get hit on my men. Many women... and men btw... go to bars because they prefer a more lively atmosphere and like to be able to dance and enjoy themselves. If all she ever does is go out and get drunk then yes, you have to evaluate if that is the kind of person you want to be with.

There is a very big difference between a "party animal" and a family/relationship oriented person who allows themselves to go out every now and then.

[giblesp]

Women who are in committed relationships don't go to bars simply to get hit on my men.

 

I've had quite a few women in committed relationships hit on me, so I'd have to disagree with that one.

[Shara21]

Nevermind.

 

Never give someone you love the benefit of the doubt. Never assume good intentions.

You guys are all right. She's a skank, dump her.

 

Enjoy living the rest of your lives alone not trusting anyone who is desirable to the opposite sex.

[Blastoplast]

The bigger picture here is that your trust has been violated. Getting drunk is no excuse to dance provocatively bumping and grinding on another guy. However, getting drunk is an excuse to be an *******. Hopefully you can work it out, that she gives you a call to ask for forgiveness and that it was a huge misunderstanding, that the dancing wasn't going to go anywhere and maybe she did take it too far. But trust is a tough bridge to mend. Good luck.

[giblesp]

 

Enjoy living the rest of your lives alone not trusting anyone who is desirable to the opposite sex.

 

 

Actually I'm not living alone. And I don't have to worry about finding my partner on a dance floor, suspiciously entwined with another man.

Edited October 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quote

[TheGuard13]

I think your behavior was a bit clingy and insecure. Bringing chocolate to her at a girl's night and showing up 15 minutes early?

 

Look, much like Guy Night, part of "Girls Night" is getting some attention from different people than your significant other, be it friends, or yes, the opposite sex. Women like to feel attractive and desirable, just like men do.

 

Unless you set some boundaries about what she can and can't do, and whether say, dancing with another guy in public was ever discussed as acceptable or not, this isn't really something you can really hold against her, especially if you knew where she was going for Girl's Night. This kind of thing happens at dance clubs.

 

If you aren't comfortable with that kind of thing and she likes to do that stuff, then you're probably not compatible. Break up with her and move on.

[The Way I Am]

I don't know why you'd think bringing chocolates to the bar/club was not a weird thing to do. I think you wanted to check up on her on used the chocolates as an exuse to do it. I don't see a problem with that except that you aren't man enough to own up to it. If you want to check up on your gf, just admit it or it looks insecure and clingy.

 

Onto her. Her friends' reactions are most telling. The fact they ran up to diffuse the situation indicates they figurd either she was in the wrong, that you are unreasonably jealous, or both. Without seeing with my own eyes, I can't judge what was going on with your gf. I think you probably have some jealousy issues based on your chocolate excuse to check up on her, but even with jealousy issues, that doesn't mean she wasn't also in the wrong.

 

I recommend you end the relationship, because you have doubt and aren't able to trust her. Whether that's justified or not, you can't have a healthy relationship without trust.

Edited October 5, 2013 by The Way I Am
Effing auto correct

[bubbaganoosh]

You never finished the story. How did she get home? Did you take her home or her friends? If you took her home you had to have had a conversation in the car. What did you say to her?

 

If it was me, I would wait until she contacts you. If she has nothing to hide, she'll call you and tell you. Listen to what she has to say, you know her better than we do then you can come to a decision on what you want to do.

[Darren Steez]

She hasn't even texted me all day either. I haven't heard from her whatsoever since she left for work this morning. Is that okay? Am I in the wrong here? Should I contact her?

 

This is already an equal relationship.

She got caught, plain and simple. And yes the universe is against her..because you walked in as soon as it was happening *sucks for her*

 

Why would she text you? She already gave you a BS reason, to answer anymore questions would probably not help her in the slightest because she's only going to lie again. I'm guessing she's more worried if you don't text.

 

So don't text her

 

Let her stew, then you ask her again what happened, you'll know whether she's telling the truth or not but I'll say this, she's going out with friends who sit and watch her getting groped by another guy then run to you and tell you nothing happened..those are not friends she really should be hanging with.

 

I'd let her go pal. It always starts like this, you let her off, it will happen again, especially if she's hanging out with the same crowd.

[sibernox]

I don't know why you'd think bringing chocolates to the bar/club was not a weird thing to do. I think you wanted to check up on her on used the chocolates as an exuse to do it. I don't see a problem with that except that you aren't man enough to own up to it. If you want to check up on your gf, just admit it or it looks insecure and clingy.

 

Onto her. Her friends' reactions are most telling. The fact they ran up to diffuse the situation indicates they figurd either she was in the wrong, that you are unreasonably jealous, or both. Without seeing with my own eyes, I can't judge what was going on with your gf. I think you probably have some jealousy issues based on your chocolate excuse to check up on her, but even with jealousy issues, that doesn't mean she wasn't also in the wrong.

 

I recommend you end the relationship, because you have doubt and aren't able to trust her. Whether that's justified or not, you can't have a healthy relationship without trust.

 

If checking up on her was the reason I went there, I would have said that. I went there with chocolate so I can surprise her, like I said, I thought it'd be a sweet thing to do. I do appreciate your input however.

 

 

You never finished the story. How did she get home? Did you take her home or her friends? If you took her home you had to have had a conversation in the car. What did you say to her?

 

If it was me, I would wait until she contacts you. If she has nothing to hide, she'll call you and tell you. Listen to what she has to say, you know her better than we do then you can come to a decision on what you want to do.

 

Yes I did drive her home. She really didnt' say much in the car though. She kept repeating how she was overwhelmed because she knew I wouldn't believe her. And she also kept saying how she was upset that I had "ruined everyone's night"...

 

Why didn't you just text her that you had arrived, and then wait for her in the car?

 

You went into the bar to check on her. Which meant you had doubts. Which begs the question, why are you dating someone whose fidelity you doubt?

 

I smell something more to this story...

 

Again, I wanted to surprise her. I did not have doubts before. Can't say the same for now though...

 

You have come too soon and you weren't discreet enough. Had you waited a bit longer, you'd more than likely spot them making out or him trying to finger her.

 

 

This is already an equal relationship.

She got caught, plain and simple. And yes the universe is against her..because you walked in as soon as it was happening *sucks for her*

 

Why would she text you? She already gave you a BS reason, to answer anymore questions would probably not help her in the slightest because she's only going to lie again. I'm guessing she's more worried if you don't text.

 

So don't text her

 

Let her stew, then you ask her again what happened, you'll know whether she's telling the truth or not but I'll say this, she's going out with friends who sit and watch her getting groped by another guy then run to you and tell you nothing happened..those are not friends she really should be hanging with.

 

I'd let her go pal. It always starts like this, you let her off, it will happen again, especially if she's hanging out with the same crowd.

 

Should/Can I even tell her that? That she shouldn't be seeing these friends?

 

2 Years. How many times has she gone out trolling meat markets...er...sorry, "dancing wiht her friends" in all that time? I'm just wondering how many short term little relationships she's been in with the boys from the bars in all of that time.

 

And to you clubbing defenders: There doesn't have to be sex for it to be infidelity. If you are going to bars, telling your SO you are just dancing with the girls, then spending a majority of your time meeting and grinding your croch against men you've just (or not even) met, it is cheating. If you are doing something you would not want your BF to see, like this gal, you are cheating. 240 minutes of dancing with her girls, THIS NIGHT ALONE, and you just happened to see her in the ONLY 2 OR 3 that she was being unfaithful? I call bull****.

 

If it's just 4 nights she's done this, you're talking 1,000 minutes and you stopped by on that one bar that contained the only 2-3 minutes out of the whole thing where she was cheating.

 

I'll bet she goes out with he rmates A LOT like this, right? You knew the "just dancing with my friends" line was bull****. It usually is. So you checked up on her and busted her. Good job.

 

And one last word to the clubbing defenders: You tell your SO everything that you do there. You tell them who you dance with, who you flirt with, who you party with. You tell them everything. Congratulations to you and the strength of your relationship. We envy you. But some girls lie about their GNO's. And if they are lying because they know this activity will not be accepted by their SO's, they are cheating. Your BF stays with you because you have different boundaries so you can be honest. Some men don't have the same boundaries. And if a woman lies about her activities, something ain't right.

 

You're young. She's young. She's a lying little B. Dump her and find someone who doesn't troll for other men behind your back.

 

She goes out maybe once every 3 weeks or so. This is really tough for me, really don't know what to do. I can either just trust her blindly again, or break it off... Right?

 

You just answered your own question. SHE'S only 21 and you're saying, "I'm not 20 anymore..." which alludes to the fact that at 20, maturity and respect in a relationship are rare to find.

 

It would appear at 21, she's simply acting the same way YOU did at that age. So why are you expecting more from her than you yourself weren't able to give at that age?

 

I know it's not fair for me to expect that of her, but as a 25 year old I want someone that respects me.

[harrybrown]

Do not text her. You ruined everyone's night?

 

I would go NC.

 

You should find someone who respects you. Would she like you dancing with some female the way she was dancing with the other man?

 

 

Start dating someone else and move on. She actually said that you ruined everyone's night?

 

Move on. She does not care about you.

[TheGuard13]

Did you make a scene at the club or something?

 

Anyway, dancing with someone is only cheating if you establish this as a boundary in your relationship.

[giblesp]

Sibernox, I've checked out a few of your other threads and it looks like this isn't the first time there's been issues with your GF and clubbing.

 

She does seem to be a bit of a party girl, and that's nothing disrespectful. I used to be a party head myself. But maybe you and her aren't compatible right now?

 

The 'you ruined everything' comment was unnecessary on her part. You just turned up to surprise her with chocolates, how's that ruining anything? Ruining her little dance floor games maybe.

 

There are girls out there who'd really appreciated a surprise like that from their BF, without finding it clingy or ruining their nightclub activities. And who could find the decency to talk over misunderstandings with their partner the next day, instead of acting like a sixteen year old.

 

Consider getting yourself a woman, who's a bit more sure of yourself and meets your needs.

[sibernox]

Do not text her. You ruined everyone's night?

 

I would go NC.

 

You should find someone who respects you. Would she like you dancing with some female the way she was dancing with the other man?

 

 

Start dating someone else and move on. She actually said that you ruined everyone's night?

 

Move on. She does not care about you.

 

Yeah, I didn't even know how to address that. Like, what do you even say to that?

 

Did you make a scene at the club or something?

 

Anyway, dancing with someone is only cheating if you establish this as a boundary in your relationship.

 

Not at all. I walked in, saw her, her face absolutely dropped when she spotted me, I walked away to the bathroom to get away and she followed me in there.

 

Sibernox, I've checked out a few of your other threads and it looks like this isn't the first time there's been issues with your GF and clubbing.

 

She does seem to be a bit of a party girl, and that's nothing disrespectful. I used to be a party head myself. But maybe you and her aren't compatible right now?

 

The 'you ruined everything' comment was unnecessary on her part. You just turned up to surprise her with chocolates, how's that ruining anything? Ruining her little dance floor games maybe.

 

There are girls out there who'd really appreciated a surprise like that from their BF, without finding it clingy or ruining their nightclub activities. And who could find the decency to talk over misunderstandings with their partner the next day, instead of acting like a sixteen year old.

 

Consider getting yourself a woman, who's a bit more sure of yourself and meets your needs.

 

Yes, we have had some other issues with her going out, and it's always during these "girls night out"...

 

 

 

And you will trust her blindly because...?

 

 

She's gone out 50 times since you guys have been together. OK. So you never discussed partying with strange men. Scratch that: Strange men and men she has met at these establishments and continues to run into. A lot of male friends you don't know that she goes out to party with. Dates, maybe?

 

Does she tell you about ANY of these men? 12,000 minutes of trolling meat markets and the ONLY 2-3 minutes you see her there she is skanking.

 

Good luck bro. Your decision. You KNOW what my advice is.

 

How else can I trust her? Don't you either trust a person 100% or 0%? There's no 50% trust is there? I don't know where to go from here.

 

Btw, she did end up texting me last night and coming over to once again reiterate that nothing had happened. Her version of events was that the guy grabbed her and she pushed him off. She kept saying "I wish I hadn't seen you so you would have seen me push him off, you didn't see what happened next". She was trying to be nice and intimate but I had a hard time with it. I feel like I'm being a baby though...

[Lansing]

And she also kept saying how she was upset that I had "ruined everyone's night"...

 

THIS is what concerns me the most as another poster pointed out. WTF?? She is blaming YOU for ruining everyone's night???

 

 

Really, I think you guys are at different stages of life even though it is only a 5 years difference. That is a lot of a bigger thing between 26 and 21 vs. 31 and 26 for example.

 

My gut reaction from the thread is to move on. Just the way she dealt with it strikes me as her and you not being on the same level and you having a lot more interest in her than she does you.

[The Way I Am]

If you really just wanted to surprise her with the chocolates, then why was it necessary to show up 15 minutes early? You could have given her the chocolate at the original agreed upon time.

 

You had doubts about your gf and wanted to check up on her. That's fine. I wish you would at least own up to it though.

 

Sticking by my original advice. End the relationship.

[sibernox]

If you really just wanted to surprise her with the chocolates, then why was it necessary to show up 15 minutes early? You could have given her the chocolate at the original agreed upon time.

 

You had doubts about your gf and wanted to check up on her. That's fine. I wish you would at least own up to it though.

 

Sticking by my original advice. End the relationship.

 

If you must know, I was supposed to meet my friend downtown to say a quick hello but he ended up canceling, so I was free earlier than initially expected.

[aliveagain]

Friend, girls night out every three weeks is a train wreck waiting to happen. Everyone knows why girls go to clubs without their boyfriends, they get to pretend their someone else with new guy's that are all over them like a cheap shirt. They have drinks bought for them, they get man handled by a bit of strange, they have you waiting at home as security. There is alcohol, drugs and just about anything else you might want, specially attention from men. That's why they don't invite their husbands and boyfriends, you won't let other men near them so in that regard you did ruin their evening. Why can't you go to the same clubs as couples, not as much fun I guess? If her good times don't include you, you should re evaluate who your in a relationship with.