ExpatInItaly Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 It sounds like there are deeper problems here, but it came to a head when you saw her at the bar. Her saying that you "ruined everyone's night" is a dramatic over-reaction. You know that. Her version of events may be true but think about the bigger picture: She's been with you since she was 16, correct? She was very young. Now that she's becoming an adult and growing more independent, there's a strong possibility that she will start to wonder about dating other guys. She's got a few more years of partying and youth under her belt, and if you're having these problems already it could be quite a rocky road ahead. Now is probably a good time to have very honest discussion about the state of the relationship and what you both want from it. What type of future do you see/ hope to have with her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sibernox Posted October 6, 2013 Author Share Posted October 6, 2013 It sounds like there are deeper problems here, but it came to a head when you saw her at the bar. Her saying that you "ruined everyone's night" is a dramatic over-reaction. You know that. Her version of events may be true but think about the bigger picture: She's been with you since she was 16, correct? She was very young. Now that she's becoming an adult and growing more independent, there's a strong possibility that she will start to wonder about dating other guys. She's got a few more years of partying and youth under her belt, and if you're having these problems already it could be quite a rocky road ahead. Now is probably a good time to have very honest discussion about the state of the relationship and what you both want from it. What type of future do you see/ hope to have with her? She's been with me since she was 19. She's 21 now. I really don't know if I believe her. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 She's been with me since she was 19. She's 21 now. I really don't know if I believe her. You'll want her to pass a polygraph before you marry this one. Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 Girls night is when girls go out, try to get a bunch of attention from dudes, then come home to you. It doesn't mean they're going to cheat they just want to get their ego stroked. I know it kind of sucks, but that's the reality of it. You need to trust her not to mess around and not let it bother you. To the people saying it's always bad when girls go out without their boyfriend have probably been cheated on and lack trust, understandably so. But if you end up being all controling and **** it's gunna be worse. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 She's been with me since she was 19. She's 21 now. I really don't know if I believe her. My apologies, I mis-read your first post. In any case, she's still very young. You need to talk to her and find out if you're still on the same page in your relationship. It doesn't really sound that way right now Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 If you must know, I was supposed to meet my friend downtown to say a quick hello but he ended up canceling, so I was free earlier than initially expected. Umm... so why didn't you just say that in the first place instead of saying you showed up early so you could surprise her with chocolates? Look. It's simple. Do you trust your gf or not? If you do, stay with her. If you don't, break up with her. Don't wait around for your gf that you don't trust to do something else at another club then turn around and blame clubs and girls night out for you getting cheated on when you chose to stay with an untrustworthy partner. Link to post Share on other sites
TheGuard13 Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 If you must know, I was supposed to meet my friend downtown to say a quick hello but he ended up canceling, so I was free earlier than initially expected. And didn't feel like waiting 15 minutes outside. And is sucking his peter in the mens room only a boundary if you establish it in your relationship ahead of time? "You didn't say I COULDN'T do it". No. Of course not. That's clearly cheating, by pretty much any standard. But there's a world of difference between dancing with someone in a public place (yes, even suggestive dancing) and sucking them off in the bathroom. Only someone very shortsighted would allow his girlfriend to go to dance clubs regularly and then be surprised when she, you know, dances with the people there. I agree that they don't sound compatible at this point. She needs to be able to have a mature discussion about his insecurities, and she's blaming him for "ruining" everyone's night with his presence. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sibernox Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 Just out of curiosity, Sibernox, what do you THINK she did when she went out with her gal pals all of those times? People are keying in on this chocolates thing like it was you spying. I did at first as well, and feel it SHOULD have been, but I truly believe you bought the whole "it's just innocent dancing with my friends" line. And that fascinates me. Please, siber: when this shakes out and you dump the party girl, PLEASE come back on this board and tell people your story. I don't mean in these "am I wrong to be concerned, what do I do?" threads. I mean in a "here's my story and here's why it it to OK question the fidelity in your gal trolling meat markets" thread. You need to help others not go through what you just went through for two years. I don't know really, I used to think she just went out with her girlfriends, had a couple of drinks and then came home. I'm not the type of guy that will tell his gf where she can and can't go. But is that what I should do now? She emailed me this earlier: " baby. i do respect you. nothing happened that night, i promise. and nothing ever will. im sorry if i was snappy in the car it was stupid and irrational. if you dont want me to go out on girls nights anymore, i wont. i am devoted to this relationship. yes, i understand your concerns, trust me. you know i do, because i've been where you are. but dwelling on this is just going to hurt us more, and give both of us more reason for concern. I LOVE YOU. You are my priority. at the end of the day, you have nothing to worry about. what you saw was ****ty, but the only way to make this better is to trust me." -- Should I even start telling her that she can't go on these girls nights anymore? No clue what to do here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sibernox Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 ...Let her go out with your blessing. With MY blessing. Then do some PROPER spying. All of those nights out and you just happened to catch her in that ONE AND ONLY moment she was acting inappropriately? Well, maybe. Because I guess you never actually caught her with Rick back in May. And she never DID ANYTHING with that ex-BF who took her to lunch then back to his place like she promossed she wouldn't before that. Then there's this. The holy grail of women who want to hit the clubs while their safe spot stays home. Many times babysitting her kids. She never told you what she did when she went out. She never told you where they went. She never talked about men hitting on her. She never mentioned who she danced with or how many drinks were bought for her. She never mentioned if she would meet up with the same men on different occasions. Dates, sort of. She just never talked about her little nights out and you never asked. I find that fascinating. Please please please please please have someone she doesn't know go to her club and get some cell phn. video. Please. How can I do that? Just tell a friend to follow her around all night? I don't know who would be able to do that... Link to post Share on other sites
Copelandsanity Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 You have to determine if this is a deal-breaker or not. If it was me, it would be one and I would break up with her. I probably would have broken up with her a long time ago. I have nothing against clubbing, but it's not one of my interests and I wouldn't want to be in a committed relationship with a club girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Babolat Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 You ruined everyone's night? Yeah, this comment just bugs me...very selfish, a "me" comment. I am all for a girls night out, dancing, doing whatever, flirting even, getting soem attention. Grinding, touching, on the dance floor, if that is what you saw, that's a bundary for me and she would be gone in my world. But this comment and her friends comments bug me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Babolat Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 Yeah, this comment just bugs me...very selfish, a "me" comment. I am all for a girls night out, dancing, doing whatever, flirting even, getting soem attention. Grinding, touching, on the dance floor, if that is what you saw, that's a bundary for me and she would be gone in my world. But this comment and her friends comments bug me. And, read some of my posts over the last year..I put up with a lot of crap from my ex gf..it got old, fast, no matter what kind of great spin she put on it. Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 I don't know really, I used to think she just went out with her girlfriends, had a couple of drinks and then came home. I'm not the type of guy that will tell his gf where she can and can't go. But is that what I should do now? She emailed me this earlier: " baby. i do respect you. nothing happened that night, i promise. and nothing ever will. im sorry if i was snappy in the car it was stupid and irrational. if you dont want me to go out on girls nights anymore, i wont. i am devoted to this relationship. yes, i understand your concerns, trust me. you know i do, because i've been where you are. but dwelling on this is just going to hurt us more, and give both of us more reason for concern. I LOVE YOU. You are my priority. at the end of the day, you have nothing to worry about. what you saw was ****ty, but the only way to make this better is to trust me." -- Should I even start telling her that she can't go on these girls nights anymore? No clue what to do here. You can't stop her from going. Even if you tried she'll grow to recent you because your telling her she can't do something she really wants to do is go out with the girls and do anything they want to do. Once they start this habit they'll always try to find excuse to tell you nothing going on, but always the same. Flirting with other men, getting other men to buy them drinks, chat up other men, having them buy dinner, then start dancing with them. Could lead to more too. You got a party girl there she loves to party. Her girl friends make this matter even worst for you two. If they get involve they won't be on your side they'll be on your girl friend side always. One thing they like to say is "I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT TO DO" But remember I am with you who I love to be with also. This just means to fool you into thinking she won't do anything but they still do. What should you do now, well right now you can't do or say anything you know what she did and she knows you do. So she might tread differently so you won't know what she's up too. You going to watch her see what she does next? This going out with the girls every weekend and staying out late and getting drunk when she gets back from they GNO = Girls Night Out is this what you want from your girl friend. Got to think about this? Your intent is to keep home or you take her out instead, but she's going to say she needs time with her girl friends that's where the trouble begins. I've gone through them myself like I had mention. It can get out of control and lead to other relationship issues. Even if she doesn't go to bars, clubs or comedy clubs is another hang out. They could get together at one of the girls friends house, make drinks and party there. Would that be better? Well then she comes home drunk from that too. What I did once I did gone with my EX to Girls Night Out but it was at one of the girls friends house. That girl was married the husband was in the house he was the cook, the server and bartender. I was hanging out with him and he told some odd stories the women do at these events. Something to think about, but what yours said in the above ending text sounds like just a cover-up story. You know the truth of the matter, she can't hide that from you. Just watch and see what happens next with her? I know you love this girl but she loves you with some extras that she likes to continue doing, even though for now she hopes you'll forget what you have seen and move on. Then after a few weeks or months you back at this again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 This is getting more in depth here, truth is gone and now what should you do with no truth in a relationship like this. Rock in hard place now you have to face the fact either stay in this relationship or pull out and move on? Can't have anyone follow your girl friend around, and I don't recommend hiring a private investigator that more for if you thought she was cheating on you. This all started with Girls Night Out. Party Girl who likes to flirt with men, do all sorts of things but she does comes home to you in the end. This is what it all boils down too. Plus she's young also not mature yet so that's other think to worry about. If you want to keep this girl your going to have to keep her happy take her out and dancing an lure her away from the party life. Your going to have to be the center of attention for her. She's likes to test waters with other men still, you might not get her out of this. Some women depend on men where their boy friend can't deliver for them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sibernox Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 (edited) Yeah, this comment just bugs me...very selfish, a "me" comment. I am all for a girls night out, dancing, doing whatever, flirting even, getting soem attention. Grinding, touching, on the dance floor, if that is what you saw, that's a bundary for me and she would be gone in my world. But this comment and her friends comments bug me. You mean her friends coming up to me and assuring me she didn't do anything wrong? Edited October 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Response to banned member redacted Link to post Share on other sites
piggyoink Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 And didn't feel like waiting 15 minutes outside. No. Of course not. That's clearly cheating, by pretty much any standard. But there's a world of difference between dancing with someone in a public place (yes, even suggestive dancing) and sucking them off in the bathroom. Only someone very shortsighted would allow his girlfriend to go to dance clubs regularly and then be surprised when she, you know, dances with the people there. I agree that they don't sound compatible at this point. She needs to be able to have a mature discussion about his insecurities, and she's blaming him for "ruining" everyone's night with his presence. In addition, some people actually like to go out instead of being a hermit 1 Link to post Share on other sites
piggyoink Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 The Benefits Of A Girls' Night Out - AskMen Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 OP, have there been confrontations with your girlfriend in front of her friends before? I find it strange that they would be so quick to defend her in this situation. You mentioned that the clubbing has been a point of contention in the past - have her friends seen you two get into a fight in a club/bar? If not, then I do think their reaction is a little odd, given her version of events. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sibernox Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 OP, have there been confrontations with your girlfriend in front of her friends before? I find it strange that they would be so quick to defend her in this situation. You mentioned that the clubbing has been a point of contention in the past - have her friends seen you two get into a fight in a club/bar? If not, then I do think their reaction is a little odd, given her version of events. Very minor. We've just had minor arguments like any other couple, but her friends know me as the guy I am, very understanding, patient and calm. She said this: " I feel like you're disgusted with me and you're 100% CONVINCED something happened that didn't happen so I have no idea where to go from here ... I'm fighting for you, but you need to understand, I KNOW nothing happened, and you're being distant and hurtful and in the meantime I have to be patient and understanding I understand that you have to take the time you need, I'm just so confused right now babe. I'm scared of your answer ... because there's nothing I can do about it, and this is all based on something I know didn't happen. Can you imagine how I'm feeling right now. Completely helpless in my own relationship ... " Link to post Share on other sites
tlegend Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 Very minor. We've just had minor arguments like any other couple, but her friends know me as the guy I am, very understanding, patient and calm. She said this: " I feel like you're disgusted with me and you're 100% CONVINCED something happened that didn't happen so I have no idea where to go from here ... I'm fighting for you, but you need to understand, I KNOW nothing happened, and you're being distant and hurtful and in the meantime I have to be patient and understanding I understand that you have to take the time you need, I'm just so confused right now babe. I'm scared of your answer ... because there's nothing I can do about it, and this is all based on something I know didn't happen. Can you imagine how I'm feeling right now. Completely helpless in my own relationship ... " See how she turns this around so its your fault? Oh, she's good. I do not know the whole story, I did not get the chance to read the whole thing yet. But, damn, that was well played. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Blastoplast Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 See how she turns this around so its your fault? Oh, she's good. I do not know the whole story, I did not get the chance to read the whole thing yet. But, damn, that was well played. Yeah, he should pull the ol' "Put yourself in my shoes -- imagine how you would feel if you came into a club and saw me bumping and grinding all over another woman. How would that make you feel?" Check. Mate. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 The Benefits Of A Girls' Night Out - AskMen Maybe to those that read Cosmopolitan, my ex showed me the benefit of meeting Other Men at clubs and how well she had one of their babies after banging him for two years behind my back. She was a club whore, even owned an air brush tattoo business, she had the most beautiful half naked woman working for her air brushing tattoos on drunks at these same clubs. Girls night out to me means "Lets leave our guys home and see if we can meet some men, maybe even trade up." Make her chose, you or the girls night out, she can't have both. Sounds like some of these girls are facilitators, are any of them cheaters or have a history of cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sibernox Posted October 8, 2013 Author Share Posted October 8, 2013 Maybe to those that read Cosmopolitan, my ex showed me the benefit of meeting Other Men at clubs and how well she had one of their babies after banging him for two years behind my back. She was a club whore, even owned an air brush tattoo business, she had the most beautiful half naked woman working for her air brushing tattoos on drunks at these same clubs. Girls night out to me means "Lets leave our guys home and see if we can meet some men, maybe even trade up." Make her chose, you or the girls night out, she can't have both. Sounds like some of these girls are facilitators, are any of them cheaters or have a history of cheating? I really don't like her best friend. We were out at a club this past summer, and I her best friend was there grinding up on some guy. Like really grinding, sex with the clothes on kind of thing, it was disgusting. ps. sorry about your ex. if you don't mind me asking, how did you find out about her cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
TheGuard13 Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 (edited) If he was secure in this relationship, he wouldn't have been as upset as he is. He wouldn't be having all this conflict. I meant that she seemed unable to address his insecurities (and yes, they are insecurities about the relationship) without blaming him for the "incident". I wasn't badmouthing him or judging him for having them, or saying that any of this is his fault. I'm saying she needs to be a bit more sensitive to the circumstances, or they may not be compatible. Apparently what goes on during her little whorin' sprees is dancing. Edited October 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Response to banned member redacted. Link to post Share on other sites
TheGuard13 Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 (edited) And why would he wait outside? In the car? Instead of going inside and being with her for 15 MINUTES? Yes, he SHOULD HAVE spied. A long time ago, but didn't. He gets to where she's out and is supposed to WAIT OUTSIDE? Well, if he's spying, then no, he shouldn't wait outside. If he's just picking her up, because it's the polite thing to do. Her time with her friends had yet to end. Edited October 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Response to banned member redacted Link to post Share on other sites
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