TheGuard13 Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 There are two sides to every story. I’m going to tell this guy what he saw, but there are many reactions a woman can have if her boyfriend shows up out of nowhere and she is dancing or near another guy, and many reasons for it. By his own admission, what happened was unclear/hazy, and he was uncertain of the details. So he needs to decide if he trusts his girlfriend enough to accept her explanation, and more to the point, her statement about her commitment to their relationships, and if he likes that she goes out clubbing, and if they are compatible in that regard. Girls who go clubbing are going to drink and they are going to dance. If they are a good dancer or attractive, they're likely to get hit on somehow. They need to have a conversation that goes beyond "I'm gonna go clubbing"..."okay". No, he expects boundaries to be kept. Clearly if she had a look of horror on her face when he saw her that she was acting inappropriately. Boundaries he has apparently never actually discussed or communicated, clearly, because he assumed she was just going out and having drinks. That assumes that there WAS a look of “horror” on her face, and not just “surprise” or "drunk". Link to post Share on other sites
Author sibernox Posted October 8, 2013 Author Share Posted October 8, 2013 So what am I supposed to say exactly? Tell her that her dancing with other guys is not okay? I didn't think that I had to spell that out. Link to post Share on other sites
TheGuard13 Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 Well, you should communicate to her how you feel about this thing she does often. Why does it bother you? It's a club. Pretty much everyone dances with everyone there, and yes, every so often, a man will dance with a woman, as has been the fashion for hundreds and hundreds of years in various cultures. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 I really don't like her best friend. We were out at a club this past summer, and I her best friend was there grinding up on some guy. Like really grinding, sex with the clothes on kind of thing, it was disgusting. ps. sorry about your ex. if you don't mind me asking, how did you find out about her cheating? She and one of her friends were after the same guy, her friend ratted her out to me to get even. I raised O/M's baby as mine for the first year of his life, she never intended to tell me that he wasn't mine. Please look at the highlighted words you wrote. This is what they all do when their husbands and boyfriends aren't around. If she is doing this to you now, how will she act in 12 years when some of the attraction is gone from your relationship? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
giblesp Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 So what am I supposed to say exactly? Tell her that her dancing with other guys is not okay? I didn't think that I had to spell that out. Well, dancing in an environment where there are drunk dudes looking to pick up may not be the best thing for her relationship, but that's a conclusion she has to come to by herself without any outside influence. OP, if I go by what you've said here, you seem like a nice guy and good BF. You went to surprise your GF with chocolates and thats a good thing to do. I feel that some of the women on this thread are unfair in instantly jumping to the conclusion that you're checking up on her, you're doing something wrong. When I was going out if I met a woman who had a BF but wasn't with him that night, and she's out in a pack of girls I know they're looking at men. I'd know she's available otherwise she'd be with her BF on a Saturday night! Maybe not for full sex, but she's there to play the game and enjoy it. Could be just dancing, could be just flirting. But definitely for some interaction. I'll tell you something that everyone who's read this thread knows, she's done this before. And if you forgive her she'll do it again. Her responses that you've posted suggest that she's a spoiled little girl, giving out emotional manipulation when she knows she's done wrong. It's all about her. You've mentioned marriage, this one isn't long term material. There are women out there, who don't need to get into drunken situations to have a good time. Who would be so thrilled that their BF has turned up early, with her favourite chocolates. (And ladies if that would bother you, don't complain when you end up with a man who is stone cold) Reading about this girls friends, her history(I don't believe in retroactive jealousy but I mention this as she doesn't seem to have fully left that stage behind) and her responses to you turning up early, I'd recommend considering ending the relationship. But this is just a forum, and its up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
piggyoink Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 So what am I supposed to say exactly? Tell her that her dancing with other guys is not okay? I didn't think that I had to spell that out. Tell her you'd like to have one of these Taken In Hand Link to post Share on other sites
WhiteButton Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 I would not trust her in your situation. The chocolate thing you did avoid that next time you go to club, however you walking 15 earlier i dont see nothing wrong there. You are not cab driving waiting for her majesty to come out of club so you can drive her home. Imagine if you went with your boys out and she walked up on you like that while you were dancing with a girl and you said to her "Nothing happened" She would lose her mind. When she said nothing happen, something did happen! If she sounded over defensive that's a clue too. Move on man you are young you don't need this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheGuard13 Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 I had rather wondered about that... Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 I've gone for girls nights out and managed to never get cozy with another man if I was in a relationship. Girls night out, for me, is just a night to have fun with the girls, with or without alcohol involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom888 Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 Girls night out is purely about girls having fun with their friends. If they get naughty with some guys, then you need to re-evaluate your relationship. I am perfectly comfortable with my GF going out and having fun with her friends. She gets to be herself, free from my attention for a while, but all the while she thinks about me. Couples should be able to do stuff with their friends. If your girl cannot be trusted, then you move on. If your girl is attractive, expect her to be hit on frequently, but also expect her to reject ALL those guys if she really wants to be with you only. Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 Apparently she has had problems in the past with her boundaries at clubs. He goes there and catches her acting inappropriately, whether he had a suspicion or went inside early to pick her up.............but the focus is that he is jealous?? And even if he is jealous, there is a difference between jealousy with no reason to be, and jealousy brought on by the inappropriate actions of his gf. My focus is NOT on that he's jealous. How many times do I have to say that I think it's ok he wanted to go and check up on her because he felt he had reason to mistrust her. My issue is that he's being a little pansy about it and not just owning his actions. He was using chocolates as an excuse, and it was such a completely transparent one that he changed his story. He needs to get some confidence in himself so he can own his own behavior and stop dating women who aren't trustworthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sibernox Posted October 9, 2013 Author Share Posted October 9, 2013 My focus is NOT on that he's jealous. How many times do I have to say that I think it's ok he wanted to go and check up on her because he felt he had reason to mistrust her. My issue is that he's being a little pansy about it and not just owning his actions. He was using chocolates as an excuse, and it was such a completely transparent one that he changed his story. He needs to get some confidence in himself so he can own his own behavior and stop dating women who aren't trustworthy. What? I assure you, I did not change my story. I just didn't think I needed to include every little single detail about that night. Where did I change my story? I've said from the start that I was picking her up, showed up 15 minutes early because my friend had to cancel, so I thought I'd walk in instead of waiting for her outside. If I was checking up on her, I'd just say that. Why would I hide that from you or anyone on this forum? Link to post Share on other sites
tlegend Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 Sounds to me like you should just walk away from this one. I have nothing nice to say about this. She knew what she was doing. You know what you are doing. You are looking for validation or justification for her actions. You WILL NOT get it. You HAVE to understand this. In order to move past this, you need to recognize that you are a juncture that you have to either move past this and chalk it up as a lesson learned, or deal with personal issues and a shoddy relationship for ....however long. My 2 cents. Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 You didn't claim in your first post that you went early to give her chocolates? Hi everyone, I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years. I'm 25, she's 21. Anyway, last night I was at my friend's place with some friends and she had a girls night at some bar downtown. It was agreed that I'd pick her up at around 2AM. At around 1:45 I get downtown and decide to show up at the bar to surprise her (had bought her her favorite chocolate and thought it would be sweet) So who wrote that? Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 (edited) I don't feel like there's any point in discussing what she did or didn't do. The relationship is a lost cause, because there's not trust there. It doesn't matter who did what to break the trust. What's most important is you getting out of this broken relationship and getting the confidence and tools to recognize the warning signals of an untrustworthy partner. From what I gather, this isn't the first time she's shown questionable behavior, but you're willing to just accept it. Why don't you have the confidence to know that you deserve better? As long as you're in denial about your own flaws and dwelling on how guilty she was of whatever you saw at the club and how "evil" clubs are, you're just going to stay in this unhealthy relationship or end up in another. Edited October 9, 2013 by The Way I Am Link to post Share on other sites
giblesp Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 You didn't claim in your first post that you went early to give her chocolates? So what if he turned up early to give his GF chocolates? What the hell is wrong with that? Just because you'd regard your BF as insecure, clingy and full of insecurities for DARING to turn up a full 15 minutes early AND carrying chocolates, doesn't mean that other women think that way. You're the insecure one here. Stop trolling the OP. Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted October 9, 2013 Share Posted October 9, 2013 (edited) So what if he turned up early to give his GF chocolates? What the hell is wrong with that? Just because you'd regard your BF as insecure, clingy and full of insecurities for DARING to turn up a full 15 minutes early AND carrying chocolates, doesn't mean that other women think that way. You're the insecure one here. Stop trolling the OP. When you say things like this, I can only assume you've never been to a club. Carrying in chocolates to a club is just a socially awkward thing to do. But barring that, he was obviously using it as an excuse to check on her. Bringing the chocolates isn't what makes me consider him insecure. Neither is showing up early. It's that he can't just admit why he wanted to show up early had nothing to do with chocolates. And my theory that he's insecure is supported by what he's willing to put up with from his gf. I guess OP should just ignore me and continue putting up with girls who don't give him respect, make up excuses to check up on them when he should have had some respect for himself and ended the relationship before it got to that point, and then continue to make excuses for why he should put up with his gf's multiple cases of lack of respect like he's doing now. Because, yeah, he's completely secure. I'm trying to help the kid out. Blaming the gf and clubs will ultimately get him nowhere. (He can blame her for her own actions but not for his own choice of sticking around.) Accepting that he needs to work on his self confidence and working on it will lead him to a much happier place. Edited October 10, 2013 by The Way I Am 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 I would have thought nothing of it had I showed up early. I would have wanted to join them for a drink, why would they even have second thoughts about my being there early, we're a couple her friends should be my friends and vice versa? If my girlfriend gave me crap for being early and accused me of ruining their fun I would know something was up and her stuff would be at her parents place the next morning. If she can't do it in front of you she shouldn't be doing it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 (edited) He clearly did and you even quoted his first post and bolded the pertinent part. I know he said that. He's the one who claimed he didn't. That's why I showed him what he said in his original post and asked if he didn't write it who did. Because if his new version is true, then somebody else must have made his first post pretending to be him. He claimed he showed up early in order to surprise her with chocolates in his first post. He didn't mention a thing about it being because he finished whatever early. Then when I called him out about not needing to go early just for the chocolates, he changed his story as to why he showed up early. You guys seem to be looking for points to argue with me about just because you want to have some sort of gender fight. Sorry, I'm not taking the bait. Insecurity is insecurity whether you're male or female, and not being able to own your actions and the reasons you do them is a sign of insecurity, and it will make you look unattractive and clingy whether you're male or female. Anyway, I've made my point. I tried to help. Guy doesn't want to listen that's his problem. Edited October 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Let's move on from the nuances of who said what and when and get back to the main topic. Thanks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted October 10, 2013 Share Posted October 10, 2013 Sibernox, Regardless of what you may have seen or did not see it's pointless now. The level of trust that existed is long gone, as other posters have suggested. You would be best advised to end the relationship as soon as possible because to continue will just set yourself up to get hurt. Since you have no trust, anything she says will be scrutinized by yourself and you will rapidly come to a point in time where she will feel controlled. And probably at the first opportunity after that she use it as a justification to go ahead and go out and do what young girls do at clubs...leaving you screwed a second time. The only persons we can control are ourselves and you would be doing yourself a huge favor if you just ended this relationship and moved forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
czen Posted October 11, 2013 Share Posted October 11, 2013 I agree with Space Ritual. Link to post Share on other sites
Guitar Girl Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 Yup. Just like how I had let my ex out to go play poker with friends and some hoe was asking him if he is still with me and if he would like to go to the strip joint with her, when I had previously freaked on her for hitting on my man behind my back. Funny thing is he went back there after we had the fight about it. Boys or girls night out is always bad. There is drama that will happen and you do not know what they are up to. It's ok to have a night out with friends once it does not involve clubs, strip joints, bars, or casinos. Where alcohol is, trouble will surely follow. Link to post Share on other sites
man_in_the_box Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 Glad I've never ran into these kind of issues tbh. Link to post Share on other sites
chucksagent Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 Vellocet! My man! haha we are SOOOO on the same page man. I was going to ask, why do "guys nights" so often NOT include alcohol or opposite gender people...but "girls nights" ALWAYS include ALCOHOL AND opposite gender! I'm going to start a thread on that topic - keep an eye out. Link to post Share on other sites
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