Should I reply to my ex-bf messages?

[indigo_moon]

I think he needs to p*ss or get off the pot, to put it bluntly. I think it's unfair of him to keep this sporadic communication going on...........surely he knows you miss him and would likely jump at the chance to get back with him. I think he's been cruel from the start..telling you a long time ago that he didn't miss you, didn't love you, didn't want to get back, yet continuing to message you. That's sick.

 

If I were you, the next time you communicate, tell him point blank that none of this makes sense. If he doesn't want you in his life ,as he's previously told you, then he needs to move on and quit maintaining contact.............but if he does want to get back together but is afraid to bring it up, then he needs to be man enough to spill the beans.

 

What he's doing is leaving you in limbo. Days go by, you don't hear from him...then you do, back and forth. It's insane. He's not being fair. You can't possibly "move on" with this kind of thing.

 

The way you handled yourself on the phone was fine.......you didn't bring up the relationship, you were the one to end the call, good. But the bottom line is, what's his game? He obviously should have had the bus info prior to leaving..so it was a lame excuse to call you.........so you should suggest meeting when he's back....then sit down and ask him what's going on...................tell him you're tired of the mixed messages.........that you're not into games. if he wants to try getting back together, then fine..........but be honest..........if he's just having occasional "missing you pangs" and he relishes the thought of you hanging by a thread, he needs to get a clue.

 

You need to know where you stand, once and for all................he needs to say it, either way..........and if he admits he's not interested in reconciling, then tell him to make like a bee and buzz off and let you get on with your life. That's what I think !

[Gottabestrong]

Hi everyone,

 

just a short update. Have not heard from him since he texted me before he left for England. Nothing for Christmas and no message since he came back from England, which was yesterday.

 

I feel really sad and lonely. I love and miss him a lot and wish I would hear from him, but I am trying to stay strong and not contact him.

 

I guess it was a mistake when I called him back after he sent me that textmessage. That probably gave him the feeling that I was still chasing after him and either pushed him away or reassured him that he has all the time in the world.

 

Just felt like venting. Hope you are all doing better than me.

[mischafan160]

I'm sort of in the same boat. After successfully doing never contacting him for a month, with all the contact being initiated by him, I made the mistake of imming him ONE time to ask him to read over my english paper. I could have asked someone else...a moment of weakness. I have not heard from him since then and it's been almost a month. Now we are both back in our hometown for vacation, and I don't think he'll call to see me. It's so hard...every time I came home from college last year, the thing I was most excited about was seeing him, and now he doesn't care enough to even talk to me. I guess when he said he wanted to stay close friends it was just another lie.

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by Gottabestrong

 

Right after he picked it up he sent me an ecard in return. It said: I wish you all the best for the coming year and hope that all your dreams and wishes come true. Look after yourself and keep your chin up. Love, XX

 

As a header he did not write Dear XX or something like that, but "A happy and wonderful Hanukkah"

 

 

My ex does the same thing to me -- refuses to write my name. It's kind of symbolic in a way. I'm not sure quite how to describe it but it makes you feel weird, doesn't it?

 

That is a wretched message! "Look after yourself?!" "Keep your chin up?!" My God. What does he think, he's the almightly Zeus that has driven out of Olympus a poor little mortal girl that will have trouble rebuilding her life without his greatness? All I can say is yuck.

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by mischafan160

Now we are both back in our hometown for vacation, and I don't think he'll call to see me. It's so hard...every time I came home from college last year, the thing I was most excited about was seeing him, and now he doesn't care enough to even talk to me. I guess when he said he wanted to stay close friends it was just another lie.

 

I'm in the exact same situation as you. Exact.

 

Pigs!

[Gottabestrong]

Is not it strange? They keep on contacting you, giving you the impression that they care about you still. But you contact them ONE time and everything stops. Why? Did they just want to check if you were still there and once you contacted them they feel overwhelmed?

 

12 days of NC from him today. I am very tempted to send him a message asking how his trip was, but I guess that would accomplish nothing, so I am trying not to.

 

I just wish I could stop thinking about him and our time together.

 

You are right Unicorn, it really irked me when he wrote to 'Keep my chin up'. What does he think I am doing? Crying for him every hour of the day? Mourning the loss of the greatest man alive? Maybe I am but there is no need for him to rub that into my face.

 

I also hate that he does not use my name anymore in a message. What's up with that? Up to 1.5 months after the breakup he still used to call me angel in his messages and sign with Love, XXX. Now all I get is the first letter of my name. Can anyone shed some light on that?

 

Mischafan,

1 month without any contact from him? How are you holding up? For me it is 12 days and it is hard, I hope that after 3, 4 weeks I will feel better. Does it get better in time?

 

Thanks for reading and replying to my posts. It is good to know that someone can understand my feelings.

[_Saffy_]

"keep ya chin up" ............sounds really patronising.....you need to show this guy that you can cope perfectly well without him.

 

keep up the no contact gurl.....its easy for me to say, cos im only going into day 3, and im finding it really really hard.

 

and i am sure it does get easier after a few weeks, once you have started filling ya time with other things to do, filling ya mind with other thoughts.

 

 

the text for bus times was just a check to make sure you were still around before he went, should have ignored it, but you didnt so its water under the bridge now........NO CONTACT.

 

when he comes back its gotta be on your terms not his. be strong, ya doing well <hugs>

[Gottabestrong]

Hi, after feeling so bad this morning, I got a text from him tonight.

 

It said: Hi X, how are you? Scary to think that you and XXX (my sister) were on the same beaches that have been washed away by the Tsunami. Look after yourself, XX

 

Just for info, been with my sister to Thailand in August.

 

Wow, I could not believe it when I received his message. Today I had been so sad and thought that I was not going to hear from him for a very long time, and bam there he sends this message.

 

Before I even read it I decided to not react to it straight away. Not repeat the mistake I made last time and call him or write back straight away, but wait and think about what I want to say.

 

I am thinking about writing an answer tomorrow saying something along the lines of: Hi XX, I am doing good, thanks. Yes it is horrible what is happening in SE-Asia. Wish there was something I could do to help. How was your vacation in England? Take care, XXX

 

What do you think? Should I not ask about his trip to England, though I would really love to hear about it? Should I send a longer message? Take an extra day to reply? I would love to sign with Love. Would that be a mistake?

 

He is addressing me by the first letter of my name only, should I reply in kind, or use his nickname, that I usually use?

 

So many questions, I know. Sorry, but I dont want to mess up again.

 

Thanks for all your suggestions!

[smile]

I think you should keep it short and sweet. Don't ask about his vacation. Just say something like hope youre having fun on your vacation take care... be realy palsy walsy about it ya know? just buds.

 

He could have had a free moment and used that to chat....or he couldve been thinking about you all day. You dont know. The great thing is.. he doesnt know either. Keep it light.

 

No pressure... in my experience the more aloof I have been, the more interested he seems. If he is considering anything between you two he needs that time in between to wonder .. to think about you, being with you.. not what you want from him, but what you mean to him. You cant force those thoughts, they seem to come when one is alone.

 

So dont be rude at all or anything.. just real friendly. He will smile and wonder

[mischafan160]

Originally posted by Gottabestrong

Mischafan,

1 month without any contact from him? How are you holding up? For me it is 12 days and it is hard, I hope that after 3, 4 weeks I will feel better. Does it get better in time?

 

I don't mean to be depressing, but I can't honestly assure you that it gets better. I'm sure, for the extremely well-disciplined mind, it does. But I am not nearly as disciplined as I could be. Meaning, I believe that happiness and sadness are choices that we make for ourselves, and lately I have been choosing to dwell on my loneliness and on the fact that he apparently has no need to contact me whatsoever. It will be one month of totally no contact on the 4th.

 

To tell the truth, some days I am fine and some days I am a mess. I honestly couldn't say that I've progressed, only become sort of schizophrenic.

[mischafan160]

Gottabestrong...I know this might seem harsh, but have you thought about not answering him at all?

 

I'm just asking you to consider this option because it seems to me that every time you have contacted him (the e-card, the call before the trip) you wrote later and said you thought it was a mistake and regretted it because he did not respond the way you wanted. I'm seeing a sort of pattern here...and I would hate for you to regret it again.

 

Obviously it's up to you, and if I were you I'd probably contact him too because I can never take my own advice, but just consider the past before you decide. It seems like he just wants to check in periodically to make sure you're still there...what if you one day were not there...maybe it would make him nervous? Maybe it would make him not take your presence for granted?

 

Best of luck to you, I look forward to hearing how it goes

[Gottabestrong]

Dear mischafan,

 

thanks for your reply.

 

Yes, I have thought about not replying. If his message had been another inpersonal, inpolite one, I surely would not have replied (I hope).

 

I stopped replying to his more personal messages in November and after 4 messages that I ignored he stopped writing all together. I really regretted that later on, so I dont want to feel that way again.

 

So as long as his message is nice, friendly, polite and warrants a reply, I want to send one.

 

Does anyone else have any suggestions on what the message should look like?

[_Saffy_]

think i would have to reply too, i know that i couldnt be strong enough to ignore my ex, and i know thats not what i want either......its not in my nature,

 

anyway....think i would say.......

 

hiya <insert first initial as he does>.....hope ya good. yes all those people losing their lives sure makes you think about your own doesnt it.

 

and thats it

[Gottabestrong]

Hi,

 

for anyone who is interested I just want to post that I sent him a text yesterday afternoon. I was stressed at work and just wanted to send it out, so I did not think too long about it. It is weird, but I did not want to have to deal with thinking about it, but wanted to get the ball back into his corner as soon as possible.

 

Anyway so my text went something like this: "Hi XX, I am doing good, thanks. What is happening in SE-Asia is horrible, wish there was something I could to help. Hope you had fun in England. Love, XX"

 

I guess now it is back to waiting to see if he writes or not. If he does contact me, I will let you know.

 

Happy new year to all of you

[smile]

I think that was a good txt. Simple too the point.. you seemed concerned and responsive but not overly anxious or needy. It sucks that you have to suddenly watch what you say to someone you once talked to so freely doesnt it? Happy new year!

[SimilarSituation]

Hi hope no one minds me jumping in here, I am in a similar boat. I want to say that I don't think it's productive to have a "men are pigs" attitude. While I can't deny that men do things that hurt women all the time, women with best intentions hurt men too. Happens because men and women are really different and love differently. I think men are truly just struggling to find happiness, as we are... I've been turning to books for solace and highly recommend "What Men Really Want" by Herb Goldberg. Serious psychology, but also an easy read. Not one of those manipulation books like "The Rules." Plus books are a great way to spend recovery time - they are kind of like company, because if you get the right subject matter, they allow you to think about what you can't help thinking about, ie your relationship - and less time taxing your friends.

 

Gottabestrong, you mentioned early on that one of the differences between you and your bf was the marriage issue. To me, it sounds like maybe he really loves you, but felt like he couldn't deliver.

 

The books are telling me that it's not that men are commitment-phobic, but that they do have a greater need for autonomy. Takes them longer, and they freak a bit when they feel like a woman is marriage-minded, becauses sometimes it often across as she just wants the deal, not the man himself. Sometimes he'll do it to make her happy, but ultimately isn't it wiser to see if he becomes ready without pressure? (Not saying you pressured him, but if you want to, and he isn't ready, that may feel like pressure to him.)

 

I know that when I put the marriage idea on the table, it started innocently enough, just wanted to see where his head was. But when I didn't get a "let's do it," I got scared and needy, and then started getting insecure and turmoiled about it. Eventually started withdrawing, then I broke up with him. Thought "Well, this is never going to happen, the only thing I can do is break up." But almost as soon as I did, I realized that's not what I wanted. Asked him back, but hadn't processed my feelings... but then he broke up with me a month later. During that month, he'd found a rebound relationship. Believe it or not, I'm not mad. I really think he felt deep pain from the recent conflicts, and was trying to fill his void. Plus, although I have struggled with it, I'm sure that won't last. Don't know what I can do about eventually getting him back, though. Don't want to tell him what I've learned I've lost without his initiating that level of conversation (since he was the dumper).

[Gottabestrong]

Dear SimilarSituation,

 

you are very welcome to jump in. I appreciate everybody's point of view.

 

I dont think I am adopting a 'men are pigs' attitude. Especially not when it comes to my man.

 

I just dont know how to handle this situation.

 

I am sure that marriage and children were one of the biggest issues that made him break up, and I would very well understand if he things that I only want the marriage, but not him. Problem is I dont know how to convince him that this is not true.

 

When he broke up I asked him to just continue seeing each other, like in the past, but without it having to lead to marriage and children. He said he would like that, but he does not see what I would have from that.

 

Seems like he is totally convinced that all I want is M+C, and if I dont get it, I wont be satisfied. Which, to be honest, is true.

 

I dont have to get married NOW, but I want to know that this is in the future. I know I made many mistakes when I brought up the subject, but cant take them back now.

 

The break-up was over 3 months ago and I have not seen him in nearly 2. Also NC from my side pretty much started 6 weeks ago, but I am still not feeling better, but thinking about him still every hour of the day and night.

 

I realise every day how much I really loved him and how much our lives were intervined, for me anyway. I have no idea how he feels about it all. I would love to ask him, but I am afraid that would push him further away.

 

I guess he still cares about me in some way, otherwise he would not continue contacting me, but I dont know what he wants. Does he just want to stay in touch with an ex, would he like to form some sort of friendship, or does he want more?

 

If he wanted more he would probably contact me more often, or suggest meeting up, would not he?

 

I feel like the only control I have right now is over my actions, which means whether I contact him or not. I dont because it feels like the right thing to do, but it surely is very hard. I hope not, but I feel that I might break down in a few weeks and send him an email stating how much I still love him and how much I would love for him to give us another chance.

 

Right now I dont see what harm that would bring, but at other times I think that this would push him further away. Maybe he wants to be the pursuer and the one who decides what happens to us.

 

Well, it is not easy.

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Smile,

 

thanks for your encouraging words.

 

It is really horrible that suddenly you have to watch what you say to the person you shared everything with for a long time. Someone who knows you better than anybody else, and who you love with all your heart.

 

Suddenly I cant just tell him what I feel and think, and also cant contact him, WHEN I would like to.

 

If he were just a friend I would not think twice about asking him about his vacation, and about his plans for the future, but now that we are Exes I dont know if that is appropriate and allowed.

 

I could send anyone I like a 'Happy New Year' text, but the one I love most, I could not.

 

Why is this situation so messed up? Is there anything one can do about it?

 

How does talking to him about him and asking him what he wants sound? Like a huge mistake? Why?

 

I guess I am losing faith in the NC theory.

Not that it brings back your ex (was not sure about that anyway), but that it is the best way to handle a breakup.

[SimilarSituation]

Gottabestrong,

 

Are you sure you want him back? You still want M+C.

 

I felt bad after it was all over because of the way I handled the M issue, totally made him feel like I was just trying to get what I needed out of him. Man, did I want to say I was sorry, because I'd learned so much from my books, and because I thought it would get him back if I owned up to my mistakes. Kept thinking if I'd only read these books then... But ultimately I have to forgive myself for having been selfish, because I didn't mean to. I handled it poorly, but the fact remains I still want M+C. I am 34, and feel like it may be too late, as almost all of my friends are M+C now.

 

I also know I have been over-romanticizing the relationship in my head since the breakup. All the what-if's are pointless. You can't make someone love you, or even love you again. You shouldn't try, because it's unattractive, therefore self-defeating. What you can do is take the lessons you've learned into the next one. Man, I hope there is a next one.

 

As has been pointed out to me here, even though it's only been a month since he broke up with me, my ex was falling out of love with me gradually for a long time. It's kind of crazy that he's determined to move on, is with someone else, but then sends me an xmas present. But as has been pointed out to you here, it's probably love for you as a person that keeps him contacting you, not the wish for a second chance. Mine just wanted to tell me he loves me as a person. I don't think I am even going to send a thank you note. Or if I do, it will be super perfunctory. Not that I am punishing him, but I just need it to be over for my own sake.

 

You once said you liked to reply quickly to "put the ball back into his court." I think that's a dangerous impulse. One I totally understand, believe me. But you should want the ball in your court, if you can't want the game to be over. Please don't lose faith in NC.

[Gottabestrong]

Hi,

 

it's the 7th of January and I still have not heard from him. No reply to my message I sent him 9 days ago.

 

Today it is 1 month since I stopped initiating contact. Is that a sad or good day to mark?

 

On the 12th it will be 2 months since we last saw each other. Definitely a sad day.

 

I still miss him and think about him constantly, but the more days go by without hearing from him, the more I accept/believe that it is really over and he does not love me anymore.

 

But when he contacts me again, that's when all the feelings and hopes come back.

 

Just needed to vent today.

 

Take care all of you.

 

Oh, Alphamale said something on another thread that confuses me. He said that NC is something to be used by Americans, Europeans are 'softer, or nicer'.

 

Do you guys agree? My guy being a good-mannered English guy might not take NC the way I want to, but think that I want to move on and therefore leave me alone.

 

Help, does that mean I messed up and should actually keep contacting him? Man, am confused now.

[Gottabestrong]

Update,

 

on friday, a few minutes past midnight I received a text from him. In it he told me that he received a payrise and he had to tell someone, and he chose me.

 

While I still thought about whether I should reply or not, I received an email from him on saturday.

 

In it he asks about links to get a tv license. He admits himself that he could find some other way to get the info, but he wanted to ask me.

 

So what do you guys suggest I do?

 

I have a feeling my NC is starting to work and he wants to make sure that I am still around. Do you agree?

 

In that case I should just ignore his messages. On the other hand, no reply is a reply as well. Meaning that I still care about him and am angry or whatever.

 

I guess the best thing to show an ex is indifference. I think I would best get that across if I waited a few days and then send him a reply with a link and a 'take care'.

 

Look forward to any suggestions!

 

P.S. If it is not clear from my post, I do desire reconcilliation.

[angelstar]

I just broke up with my x 4 days ago. Its soooooo hard to get on with it especially in the early stages. I'm not sure how long your situation has been going on. My advise is if this juggling act has been going on for quite some time then maybe you need to not contact him. Sometimes its hard to tell with men. They can just string us along until something better comes his way as harsh as this sounds. What us girls need after a breakup is some closure whether it be all over end of story or lets try and work things out together.

 

We all know how your feeling because we feel confused too about MEN. They are confusing. I read Men are from mars women are from venus. Theres a chapter in there called Men are like rubber bands - they can stretch only so far before they come bouncing back.

 

When they do come bouncing back you have to be honest with yourself and ask him straight if you are going to get back together. Relationships need to be worked on. Im a romantic but a huge believer in working on it.

 

So if my fella bails on me and leaves me abandoned confused and wondering what the hell just happened here. Then maybe you should call it a day.

 

Trust your instincts. The pros and cons list on him. Is he worth all the effort or not.

 

p.s. just ring him and get it out of the way NO BS anymore. Goodluck and look after number one YOU!!!!

[cyberbabie30]

Hi All.

 

Yes it does get better in time,

Currently I have two exes making contact with me.

One the relationship ended 6 years ago and he has contacted me on and off all these years

Giving me the same old story that he wished he stayed with me. That he wants to get back together etc. I always tell him I have no interest in getting back with him nor do i have any feelings for him. I do keep it friendly and feel that his intensions are not true. because its always after he has had a fight with his current girlfriend.(We dated for 18 months before the break up) and i could care less if i ever hear from him again. And i even moved and he still found me!!!

 

The second one we broke up 4 months ago. It was hard at first and im trying to do the NC with him.

But i still hear from him every once in a while by email, lately its been every two weeks to once a week,

At first it was hard when i heard from him, It was like he was giving me false hope,

He stills call me babe in the emails and ends it with kisses. but i dont take it as anything anymore.

I will respond back but i keep it very brief and wait a day or two, I never make the first contact with him, And when i do respond i dont let him know what is going on in my life

If he asks a question as to how i am or what i have been up to i respond with a simple answer and leave it for him to wonder what i have been up to these days. (we dated for a year before the break up) Long story as to why we broke up good for another day.

 

I will say that lately i have been feeling very good and it no longer bothers me if i dont hear from him for periods of time, or if i do, nor do i have any hopes of us getting back together anymore.

 

I also didnt waste anytime in going back out there and start to date others.

Im not ready to be in a relaltionship right now with anyone, but i am sure having a lot of fun these days flirting,

it has helped me. dont get me wrong i still care and miss him but not as much as i once did. those feelings are fading.

 

The best thing to do is to get back out there and have as much fun as you can it will help.

Why they make contact with us well for various reasons.I have had exes contact me just to see what I have been up to, some wanted to get back together and some were just a booty call because their girlfriend just dumped them.

And im sure there are other reasons as to why they make a contact with us.

 

Let time take its course and remember life is too short to waste!!!

[Gottabestrong]

Hallo everyone,

 

thanks for your replies. Here is a short update.

 

I sent him a reply to his mail on monday evening. In it I told him I was doing good, asked about family and friends he visited in England and sent him the TV license links he asked for.

 

Next morning I got a reply. First he told me a bit about family and friends. Then he said: "You are a star. Thanks for the links. (Easy to find but an excuse to contact you)"

 

He ended the email with: "Take care, Name"

 

I did not reply to that mail because he did not ask me any questions or mention anything that requires a reply. So it is back to waiting for a mail from him. Have not heard anything so far. That's it.

[cyberbabie30]

HI

 

Thats great!!!

In My experience in dating and doing the NC and going about my life. I would have to say.

A majority of my exs have always made the first contact.

And yes they always find and excuse to make a contact.

 

I know the waiting is tough at times to here from our exs

But we have to be strong and always let them contact us first.

So keep up not contacting him and because he contacted you and used an excuse to do so

He will again in time. But remember dont bring anything up about the break up or relationship unless he dose first.

 

If he asks what you have been doing dont let him know to much keep some mystery in it.

 

Mine still has some items at my home and he knows they are here.

I asked him about getting them when we first broke up and he said he

wanted them but hasnt made an attempt to get them

 

so like the old story goes it will be an excuse for him to get them by using contact.

Of course im going to wait a period of time like a few months before i mention to him about him getting his things and also tell him that if he dosent want them to let me know so i can dispose of them. but i will wait until he contacts me first before i say something about it.

 

I havent heard from mine in a little over a week but on the same token im also not sitting here waiting for him either. I have decided that getting on with my life is the best thing for me.

 

So continue to get out there and have fun you just never know whats around the corner.