crod Posted December 1, 2004 Share Posted December 1, 2004 PLEASE HELP I am currently in a serious relationship with my girlfriend of about 3 years. To make sure you have an understanding of how we met I'd just like to say that we met online and spent about a year or 2 speaking over the phone. I guess around the last year of our relationship we have flown back and forth many times and now she is here with me and we are moving in together. Three days ago our relationship was fine. We were happy and there were no problems, or so I thought. Anyway, 3 days ago she found out that I watch porn and masturbate to it, which I have done for a long time. She was upset and we got into an argument about it and so I decided to come clean about it. Somehow we got onto the topic of music videos and if I ever masturbated thinking about the girls on there, and I admitted because I was trying to keep things clean. At this point we were arguing very badly and she couldn't understand how I could fantasize about other women. She decided to ask a bunch of guy friends I have on my buddylist if it was normal and she (kinda) got relaxed about that by everyone saying fantasizing and masturbating even with anyone in mind is normal. Well at this point we had already gone over some troubling times I had my first year of college (our just about 1 year anniversary as a long distance couple). During this first year I was roomed with party animals and lost focus I guess. At one point I was attracted to a girl that used to visit one of my roommates and I confessed this to my girlfriend because I felt guilty. Now I just recently told my girlfriend that if something were to have happened back than, that I think I couldn't garuntee not cheating if something happened, I just don't know what would have happened. At this point I've cleaned out my closet pretty good, mentioning all girls that I spoke to and all potential situations that might have come up where if temptation accord, I wasn't sure of myself that I could stop it. She has even had me feeling guilty about who I have fantasized about, and so I felt I should tell her and I have, and there have been times of her best friend being in the fantasy. She is now very pissed at me and wants to know when I have a boner and what I am thinking of. She wants me to tell her who I fantasize about all the time and she wants me to not fantasize. She has gotten very upset and has questioned my love for her and my attraction toward her. She does have low self-esteem, as do I. Now that she has brought up this idea that I could be "forcing" myself to love her and be attracted to her, I find that I can't get it off my mind. All I think about is how I can find out if I'm in love with her and attracted to her. Everything I ask myself, I question it's validity. And now that I question my love for her, I question my faithfullness or strength to resist temptation. I thought I was strong, but what if I'm not? What if the situations comes up and I can't say "no" like I thought I could? I'm really losing my mind here I feel like I have no where to turn and no way to get a solution. I have a lose of appetite and it is hard for me to go to sleep. She knows about these feelings and I'm trying to get things straight. I've asked if I should talk to a family member or go see a hypnotherapist so I can get to the bottom of this. Could I really force myself into loving her and being attracted to her for this long? I can't imagine losing everything we have worked and strived for. I transferred out of college to be with her and I've done many things for her. Please, if I'm over reacting or if I should go see a therapist I need to know, I think I'm going crazy! Please someone help me! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 1, 2004 Share Posted December 1, 2004 How to tell you are in love? Imagine waking up one day, you roll over and that person isn't there. Can you deal with that? No? Then that's a pretty good sign you are in love. From what you are writing, you sound like you love this woman. No question about it. But the problem here isn't you. Its her. Your girlfriend needs to understand that fantasizing is normal. Watching porn and masturbating is normal (if it doesn't interfere with or replace actual sexual contact with your partner). If she is questioning every hardon you have and demands to know that its always only about her, then guess what. That's her problem. Not yours. I can't imagine how she must react to morning wood! She needs to understand that being in a relationship with someone does not mean that you will automatically never feel attracted to anyone else. Attraction is normal. Its what you do with it that guides the relationship. You may question whether or not you would have cheated, but the bottom line is - you didn't. You chose not to act on an attraction. You did it because you love this girl. Period. This girl is a trainwreck. An emotional black hole. Low self esteem, jealousy issues, trust issues, the whole nine yards. From what you wrote here, the only problem you have is trying to take the blame for her problems and make them your own fault. Do you really think that you could have somehow tricked yourself into loving this girl, or is that just what your girlfriend wants you to think? Her self-esteem is so bad that she is trying to convince you that you aren't in love with her, and has gotten you to question your own natural attraction and love for her. You dropped out of college for the privilege of being her emotional tampon. She is an emotional vampire and she won't stop until you are dried out, or she's done with you. People like her have an emotional self destruct mechanism that is guaranteed to fu** up every relationship they will ever be in - why? Because some people are miserable, and are addicted to their own misery. If there isn't a problem they will make one. They don't realize they are doing it, but they do it - and they'll blame everyone and everything else in the world for their own misery but themselves. You have bought into that - you feel that you are responsible for her misery when you aren't. See? Its a vicious cycle. If you want this to work, you need to convince this girl to go to therapy to get help for her issues. You may need it yourself after being put this nightmare. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted December 1, 2004 Share Posted December 1, 2004 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia This girl is a trainwreck. An emotional black hole. Low self esteem, jealousy issues, trust issues, the whole nine yards. From what you wrote here, the only problem you have is trying to take the blame for her problems and make them your own fault. Please, if I'm over reacting or if I should go see a therapist I need to know, You are not over-reacting. Your g/friend is the one who needs to see a therapist - seriously. You will not be happy with this women if she continues to behave in this way. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted December 1, 2004 Share Posted December 1, 2004 Hmm. I have to say that if I found out my boyfriend had a boner for my friends, it would make me feel crappy too. I don't fantasize about his friends. I thought I was strong, but what if I'm not? What if the situations comes up and I can't say "no" like I thought I could? Really, if you can't answer this question- if you aren't sure that you will be faithful to her- you don't have any business being with her, in my opinion. You voiced this a couple times, including the girl you had an attraction who used to visit your roomate. If you aren't sure "what could have happened," then you shouldn't be in a committed relationship. You should know what might have happened, and that would be nada. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crod Posted December 1, 2004 Author Share Posted December 1, 2004 I don't agree with those two posts. I didn't drop out of college, I think you read that wrong. I transferred from Penn State to William Paterson, which I had concerns about doing because I felt I might be lowering my standards but I made that choice because I felt we needed to be together -- she didn't make that decision for me I did. She is very upset and trying to deal with things, partly because she is away from family and friends so it isn't the best environment to find/talk to help elsewhere, I can empathize with that. The fact that she left everyone back home, transfered from her college to another, and now found out about my past has gotten her in an uproar. She does not understand how I could do something like this to her when she could never possibly think of it. Personally I can't see how I could think of these things as well, that's why I'm questioning myself and my strength in love, faithfullness and attraction. It's like my world has turned upside down and if by chance I was in denial I don't want to enter it again and continue on -- I just want the truth. I feel like I need to go to a psychiatrist so they can hypnotize me and try to get the truth out without any emotions or any crap clouding my mind. EDIT: In response to the post above this: At that point in my live, in college, I thought I couldn't trust myself I guess but as time went on I found myself being confident that I wouldn't do anything like that. Now that I have had this fight and all this stuff has surfaced I find myself questioning myself entirly, almost every aspect. Link to post Share on other sites
XNemesisX Posted December 1, 2004 Share Posted December 1, 2004 I'm going to have to agree with savethedrama. I don't think any reasonable person could deal with all the information you told her. WHY did you tell her all of that? I mean, some things are better left to your self. That probably did nothing but drag down her self-esteem even lower than before! Shame on you! I think you need to answer Lucrezia's question. Can you imagine waking up without her next to you? If the answer is no, I agree that means you are in love. I think her insecurity is making her say that maybe you are forcing yourself to love her. She wants you to reassure her, I'm not sure if I believe that was to be taken LITERALLY. She probably REALLY needs reassurance right now. You have probably shot down that poor girls ego to Hades and back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crod Posted December 1, 2004 Author Share Posted December 1, 2004 She was the one that made me feel guilty and had me to the point I was losing sleep scanning my past and thinking "what she might not like." She said she wanted to know everything that she might not like to hear, and she had me feeling terrible so I did it. In all honesty right now my mind is so damn mixed and mashed I can't answer that question. Can someone answer my question? Is it possible for a psychiatrist to do this for me? I need someone to help me just find my true feelings now that I've completely messed my mind up. Link to post Share on other sites
XNemesisX Posted December 1, 2004 Share Posted December 1, 2004 I understand better now.... Well I guess you could see a psychiatrist if you felt it was necessary but I think that if you have to actually sit and think about it this much, the answer might be that you don't. However, at the same time. I think it says a lot that you would transfer for her. That says a lot. I think her questioning your love for her this much is what has implanted this thought in your head if you want my honest opinion. Because before you all had this discussion you said everything was going so good. How long ago was this conversation? Are you all living together right now as we speak? This might just be a phase that was brought on by her suggestions. Another thing is that when people live far apart, things like masturbation is probably pretty common. Now that you two are in the same vicinity and going to be living together, you might start realizing that you don't need to do that anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crod Posted December 1, 2004 Author Share Posted December 1, 2004 I'm not 100% sure that I haven't questioned my love or attraction before. I don't know if during an argument or something I was questioning it because I've always had in the back of my mind that since we met online we skipped the whole attraction thing. This whole aspect has lowered my self esteem and has put a doubt in my mind that might have been awoken during this argument. During our relationship I have always said I loved her and I have always said that I am attracted to her. But I think, gay people can go for half their life in denial so what if I'm in denial about my feelings? Seriously though can a psychiatrist do this for me? I know I sound like a friggen parrot but I'm scared that I'm incapable of making decisions about this for some reason? Is it because it might be a dark realization? Is it because I'm hesitant to jump back into a denial if I can't identify that denial? I think I need serious help. Link to post Share on other sites
XNemesisX Posted December 1, 2004 Share Posted December 1, 2004 Seeing a psychiatrist might be a good idea then...to help you get better clarification and you would be able to discuss details of the relationship and what is going on and have him/her help you make sense of it. I don't think that would be a bad idea at all. Nothin wrong with getting some professional help from time to time. You didn't mention how old you are. I'm going to assume you are traditional college age. You might still have wild oats yet to sew possibly? Sometimes I think young people can get scared when things get too serious in a relationship because they are worried they will miss out on someone else who might be better for them. Not quite ready to settle down etc..... I know what you mean about meeting over the internet. I have tried meeting a few people from the internet but there is always something strange about it for me. On the other hand, it works out great for others. Its just not for me personally. You might be questioning everything because you feel that meeting from the internet was somehow unnatural ? I guess only you can answer these questions. A psychiatrist could probably help you sort through your confusion. Your college probably has a counseling center you can go to free of charge, with Ph.d counselors there. I know at my college it is free for all students and there is no time limit on therapy. I have been there a few times myself Good luck with all this, keep us updated. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 1, 2004 Share Posted December 1, 2004 Before you go into therapy, ask yourself what you want to get out of it. Be sure what it is you want. Do you need therapy yourself to make you a stronger person in the relationship or do want to get it in order to change yourself to be suitable to meet this girl's needs? What about your girlfriend? Please tell me that she is getting some help too. In fact, have you considered going together? You realize that until she resolves her issues, that no amount of therapy you get for yourself is going to help. Its a two way street. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crod Posted December 1, 2004 Author Share Posted December 1, 2004 I setup an apointment with a psychologist for tomorrow. What I need is to figure out what is going on in my mind now. I honestly can't say that I love her or that I don't love her, it's weird. Maybe something in me, like my heart, wants to say I love her or maybe something in my is scared to say I don't love her cause it'll heart her feelings, who knows. Sometimes I wonder things like, am I feeling like I'm missing something out there? Am I holding on to her because she really is a good person and I can talk to her and trust her with anything? Is it because I trust and value her that I don't want to let it slip away or that I'm scared to realize something is wrong with my love? There are so many questions I can't figure out it's very overwhelming. My apetite is honestly 0, I don't feel like eating what so ever. When we get in arguments in the past few days I've gagged and almost vomitted. My sleep is terrible, I sit and wonder for hours in painful confusion before I fall asleep, and I wake up the same way. I really am looking forward to talking to this psychologist tomorrow. I pray to God he can help me because I am so deathly scared of my mind right now. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 1, 2004 Share Posted December 1, 2004 Good luck with it! I hope that you are able to work some things out for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
fiyah Posted December 7, 2004 Share Posted December 7, 2004 what are some people's opinions of the downsides of seeing a pyschologist (besides the $) Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts