WTF i have never heard this before!

[hugznkisses21]

Is it really true that as a general rule of thumb that if your bf doesnt prpose to you by the 2 year mark there is a good chance he isnt going to and is stringing you alond....i was shicked when i read this.....I know a very very happy couple that were together 7 years before becomming engaged...her husband is just the type that finds change difficult and is a bit scared of commitment.....but they are soooooo happy together.............What r u thoughts on this...i read it in a another post and frankly im a bit lost !! im approching 2 years next summer......and my bf is a bit scared of commitment but none the less isnt afraid to show/tell me he loves me and make it be know...i dont think he will propse...we are also 22 and 24 so what r ur takes on this??

[Jilly10340]

This isn't true at all, at least not in my case. I was going out with a guy for two and half years before he proposed to me. Sometimes people just want to have things settled in their lives before taking that step. Sometimes people want to be out of school, have their own place, be financially stable, etc.

 

I wouldn't listen to the two year mark rumor too much.

[tiki]

I've only read it once where someone posted it. Chill, it's probably just their formed opinion. You know your own situation, no one else does. Sit tight and enjoy the ride.

[zara]

you are 22 and 24!! Good grief, find something else to think about besides getting married! Go travel, get a promotion, get some more 'me' time in before you become part of an 'us'. Seriously, you are far too young to worry about getting married any time soon.

[alphamale]

Yes hugznkizzes:

 

I posted that about the 2 yr rule. See you are still young but if you're seriously lookin to be married the person you're dating should propose by the 2 yr mark. Now if you are not too serious or want to live together and not get married or just date 4ever then it does not apply.

 

Basically, if both people are serious about marriage they should, on avg, get engaged within 2 yrs of starting dating.

 

So if you really REALLY want to get married and have communicated to your b/f and you're not engaged by 2 yr mark then it is time to jump ship or ca$h in your chips.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by tiki

I've only read it once where someone posted it. Chill, it's probably just their formed opinion.

 

BULL-ONEY it is my formed opinion. this 2 yr rule is what most relationship and dating experts agree to.

 

And it sounds OK to me, dating someone for 2 yrs gives you enuf time to get to know them and form a sound opinion AND it keeps you from wasting 10 yrs with someone who will never marry you.

 

Also, the 2 yr rule applies more the older you get. When you are 23 you have time to kill, but when you are 35 many are under the gun to get married.

[tiki]

Originally posted by alphamale

this 2 yr rule is what most relationship and dating experts agree to.

 

Then cite your sources AKA, PROVE IT.

 

Hugznkisses, please don't let some poster on a forum (that has no background in psychology or relationship expertise) set you off like this.

 

This is his formed opinion. He stated it--which doesn't mean he's right. And it doesn't mean it applies to every scenario.

 

Each relationship is unique. Take yours as it comes and don't worry about what ONE person says. It was the first time I'd heard the "BULL-ONEY" too.

[hugznkisses21]

ya i thought it was a bit bazzar too....since each relationship is different and people are at different points in their lives.

[morrigan]

Originally posted by zara

you are 22 and 24!! Good grief, find something else to think about besides getting married! Go travel, get a promotion, get some more 'me' time in before you become part of an 'us'. Seriously, you are far too young to worry about getting married any time soon.

 

My thoughts as well---enjoy being able to take care of yourself, not having to answer to anyone (hubby/kids) as far as vacations, finances, etc. I like having a visiting boyfriend better than the thought of a live in husband.

 

Hugznkisses, relax and have fun. I sure as hell wouldn't marry anyone I'd been dating only two years. But if you are ready to get married in another year or so, be honest about it with him.

[tiki]

Just don't let it get to you. We know merely nothing of what goes on in your relationship. It's hard to use a generalization like that when each relationship has it's own dynamic.

 

I think if you start to show a guy signs of demanding a marriage, it's easy to come across as desperate or pushy. Set a realistic time limit for yourself based on your relationship based on where you see yourselves in x months or x years. Then when he fails one that YOU'VE set, then kick him to the curb for sleeping on the job. I personally don't think it's after a magical two year mark.

[Jilly10340]

Well, my mom and her boyfriend dated for 10 years before they got married. My brother and his fiance just got engaged last week after dating for 4 or 5 years (and he's 27)

 

I have a degree in psychology and I have never heard of the two year mark, sorry.....

[alphamale]

Originally posted by hugznkisses21

ya i thought it was a bit bazzar too....since each relationship is different and people are at different points in their lives.

 

You will find the document below at LOVEADVICE.COM. Read para under "How Long Should it Take"

 

 

The Steps To Commitment

 

 

True Love leads to commitment in steps. The first step is stating your love to each other.

But how can you be sure that, when you hear "I love you," it's the real thing? Obviously, if the words are only murmured in moments of passion, they don't count. Even if spoken in the sober light of day, they don't mean much if the other Steps To Commitment (see below) aren't happening.

 

 

The Steps To Commitment

 

You begin dating every Saturday night.

You miss each other whenever you're apart.

 

You agree to make your relationship monogamous

 

You make future plans together.

 

You begin seeing each other all weekend and during the week as well.

 

You sleep together almost every night.

 

You're happy with your relationship 90 percent of the time.

 

You spend vacations and holidays together.

 

You give each other little gifts.

 

You meet each other's families.

 

You discuss finances.

 

You move in together.

 

You seriously discuss having children together, or not.

 

You start to acquire property together (anything from a VCR to a house) and co-mingle monies in some way.

 

You marry or make some other form of lifelong commitment to each other.

 

 

Few couples, of course, follow this sequence exactly. Some would never dream of moving in together before getting married. Nevertheless, these steps show how a typical sound relationship grows closer and progresses toward marriage. If your relationship is more or less following this pattern, it's healthy.

 

How Long Should It Take?

 

A typical and reasonable time to progress from meeting to marriage is two years. If your relationship has stalled somewhere along the progression or has slid backwards, you'd be wise to look for a cause. It's natural for relationships to progress. Conversely, it's very rare for both parties to remain satisfied with a partially-developed, uncommitted relationship which just goes on and on.

 

 

After You Commit, Protect Your Relationship

 

Once you've reached the commitment stage, stand together. Act as if you're husband and wife and it's the two of you against the world. Friends and family, not knowing him or her as you do, may subject your relationship to some buffeting.

 

Assuming he or she has passed all the checklists in "Qualifying Someone" with flying colors (if not, none of this applies!), forget other's opinions. Even well-meaning friends can plant seeds of doubt that can poison a new relationship if you let them. They don't necessarily understand what's best for you, and they often have their own agendas. Unconsciously, some would rather have you stay single as a drinking buddy or a girlfriend to go shopping with than see you happily settled down.

 

So ignore friends who say things like, "I'd let her know who's boss," or, "You can find someone better than him," or "Oh, I wouldn't put up with that." Who knows what your friend would really put up with for True Love?

 

Also, be cautious when introducing your new love to your family. Everyone's family has their own ideas of what's best for you, and they may not instantly take to him or her. Or vice versa. While your family may seem lovable to you, they may be off-putting or intimidating or otherwise hard for someone new to warm up to.

 

Expect some buffeting, share the surprises with a sense of humor, and make the commitment to stand by each other and protect your relationship no matter what. If you do, your love will endure.

 

 

Related Keywords: Commitment, Making Love Grow

 

 

 

 

Return to Library Top Page

 

Return to "Ask Dr. Tracy" Home Page

 

 

© copyright 1995-2004 Tracy Cabot

[tiki]

Originally posted by alphamale

Few couples, of course, follow this sequence exactly.

.

.

.

A typical and reasonable time to progress from meeting to marriage is two years. If your relationship has stalled somewhere along the progression or has slid backwards, you'd be wise to look for a cause.

 

Few, typical....okay, so not ALL. And look for a cause at this point, it doesn't mean you have to run like hell.

 

Some people are bad at commitments, others flock to them. I think it goes to show that each relationship is unique and individual. It cannot be categorized or generalized. And it's not a blanket law.

[blind_otter]

My sisters married their high school sweethearts. One pair has been together 17 years, the other has been together 16 years. They both waited until after college to get married, so they were together 8-9 years before marrying.

 

My parents were together for 3 years before marrying. They've been together 35 years.

[tanbark813]

I think the 2 year rule of thumb only applies to people who are open to the idea of marriage at the beginning of the relationship. If you get together when you're young, it may take several years before you're mature enough to begin thinking seriously about marriage. From that point it should then take two years.

 

Look at the steps in the "checklist". They're obviously tailored to adults who are already out in the real world. For example, "You discuss finances". If you're a college student, there's nothing to discuss.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by tanbark813

Look at the steps in the "checklist". They're obviously tailored to adults who are already out in the real world. For example, "You discuss finances". If you're a college student, there's nothing to discuss.

 

 

Hmmm....college students can discuss finances. They can talk about how little money they have or how much they are in debt or how they will get $$ for the next drinking binge.

[Jilly10340]

I dont think that's what he meant

[SoleMate]

Alphamale, I don't think you can defend this one, or you will start to sound like an "Omegamale".

 

I do think that there are rules of thumb. I would say that if both parties are "ready" for marriage (old enough, financially independent, through undergrad college at least) AND at least one party is really interested in marriage, that 1-2 years is plenty of time to wait. I would be saying, "Shoot or get off the firing range." However, that's just me. Goal-oriented and clearcut. Other people are different. As many posters have said, there are lots of happy couples who take their time in a leisurely manner before tying the "KNOT".

 

I would say, in general, that if you're pining for marriage, and your SO knows that, but takes no steps in 2 years to meet your needs, then that person is not dedicated to meeting your needs fully. You can accept that, or hope that time will make a difference, or move on. (Tragically, it's often only when you have really moved on that the other party wakes up and decides they can marry...yet the time has passed.)

[alphamale]

Originally posted by SoleMate

Alphamale, I don't think you can defend this one, or you will start to sound like an "Omegamale".

 

I do think that there are rules of thumb.

 

What are u talking bout SoleMate? I was the one who posted the comments about 2 yr rule and if you took at me earlier post on this thread you will see my justification.

 

I believe in the 2 yr rule for most couples where BOTH parties want marriage. I condone it and accept it as law.

[morrigan]

Originally posted by SoleMate

I would say, in general, that if you're pining for marriage, and your SO knows that, but takes no steps in 2 years to meet your needs, then that person is not dedicated to meeting your needs fully. You can accept that, or hope that time will make a difference, or move on.

 

Exactly. If someone tells their partner that they are not interested in marriage and won't ever get married, I'd take the statement at full value.

 

I don't think the two year law is set in stone, but I would wonder if neither person has ever brought up their own views on marriage/kids by that point in time.

[Austin]

Sweetie--- EVERY RELATIONSHIP IS DIFFERENT. There is no statistic referring to "what time people propose marriage" there are, however AVERAGES taken...that might be 2 years, but who cares. Some woman are proposed to in a week, month or 5 years. Don't fret:)

[MJTig1]

(too lazy to log in- Its MJTig)

 

I do not believe that myth.... it will be almost 4 years officially with my BF and I know he will ask soon. In my case, he is in Dental School so that puts a natural hold on things. If he is open to and talks about marriage, then don't worry. Everyone is in such a rush to get hitched lately and you wonder why divorce is so high.

 

Just relax and let things flow, if he shows in behavior that he isn't into commitment or into you- take that as a sign. Just relax.

[butterfly29]

Well actually I've read somewhere about the 2year thing as well. But I don't think it's a definate rule, I think it's more like a suggestion or a guide to go by. I definately don't believe that if he doesn't propose after 2 years he will never do that. But generally speaking the longer you stay together the higher chance there is that there will be no marriage.

 

Secondly, I do believe that this "2 year rule" applies to people who are near their 30s, late twenties or more but not the 22-24 yr olds. It's more of a staticstical thing rather than psychological. There will definately be nothing in psychology that could explain this rule, so you don't need a psychology degree to prove it. This "rule" is basically for men and women who really want to get married but their partners are questionable about this and it makes them really unhappy. It's just a time mark to prevent some frustrated women from waiting for their boyfriends for 5-10 years or more and feel like they are "waisting their time" or "give that guy the best years of their life for nothing" debating with themselves whether they should wait longer or just leave. Basically what it means is, 2 years is a decent timframe to give him but it's not definate. Plus some guys just need for you to leave or at least get a clue that if they don't propose they're going to lose you. That's plain and simple.

[Amethyst]

Originally posted by hugznkisses21 I know a very very happy couple that were together 7 years before becomming engaged...

 

You answered your own question. Going by a silly "rule" made up by people who know nothing about you, your significant other, or your relationship is just crazy.

 

Besides, even if you subscribe to the theory that it's a "rule", then you must remember there are EXCEPTIONS to every rule.

[GreenCap]

If this two year rule is true....then this explains why my ex left...she's 31 going on 32 and I am 28 going on 29. But the worst part was, I was going to proposed this past holiday season......

 

In hindsight, some of the things she said sound like the 2 year rule but 90% of the put down wasn't. I am convinced she met someone else before she left me and moved out given the different explanations on certain stuff I asked her but if ultimately it was the 2 year rule, then too bad for me to let a 3 year relationship end because my timing was off and I wanted to make sure my career was great (got into a senior position) before popping the question. It can't be that she doesn't know I wanted to marry her as the entire summer we were talking about buying a home together and even put in bids for a couple of places (eventually got outbid).

 

I am even more confused now than I ever was but no use crying over split milk, if not alpha male will find reason to give me more "tough love advice". Getting a headache and indigestion...going home. Two year rule,....#%$#$%#$!