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Do people have their "Chemistries" mixed up?


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It's kind of funny, with ONLINE dating, when a woman doesn't respond to your email...she'll say, "There was no chemistry"

 

And my argument would be "We haven't even met yet, there's no way you could tell from not even meeting me if there was 'chemistry'"

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Haven't read many responses but wanted to add something from my point of view...

 

I had a lovely time on my first date with my guy. We talked for hours and laughed loads. He was very smart, gentle, funny, and genuine. I wasn't overly bothered. He seemed 'too nice'. So no chemistry. Not what I was used to anyway. As dates went on he was way too good to dump but I didn't see us going long term. He didn't have an edge, and wasn't pervy enough compared to what I was used to.

 

But I could see on paper he was practically perfect. And every date was a lot of fun. And over time I found his 'edge'. It was mostly in his cruel, disgusting, wonderful sense of humour. And he definitely turned out to be horny enough once *I* started being more open about that side of me and he was no longer concerned about appearing shallow or single-minded.

 

I'd often allowed myself to be led by superficial factors and had a very little patience in terms of trying out someone new. But it totally paid off and I have heard friends since talk about chemistry and wanting a spark, and being bored of the nice guys, and it makes me smile inside.

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miss_jaclynrae
The "spark" is such a cop out, seems women need some "magical" reason to see a guy again, where as a men just likes to enjoy her companionship/company and he's all for a 2nd date.

 

We just have to admit that these people in question are just plain fickle.

 

 

:lmao:

So in other words, you are just bitter that you can't land second dates.

 

There's another disconnect. Any date that seems to be a "good" date should lead to a second one. If it doesn't, then it wasn't good.

 

 

It doesn't work like that. I have dated TONS [and I mean tons] of guys who were awesome and we had a good time, yet never went anywhere beyond a few dates, some, didn't get go beyond a first.

 

Odd, because it worked out perfect for me. You don't have to have a relationship just because someone is right for you. I wanted a relationship with someone who I felt was MADE for me.

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miss_jaclynrae
It's kind of funny, with ONLINE dating, when a woman doesn't respond to your email...she'll say, "There was no chemistry"

 

And my argument would be "We haven't even met yet, there's no way you could tell from not even meeting me if there was 'chemistry'"

 

Wrong again. Ever found yourself able to talk to someone for hours on end and enjoy every second of it?

I write exactly how I am in person, so why would chemistry not be able to be gauged through writing or talking?

 

 

Again, just proof that you haven't experienced it yet.

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The "spark" is such a cop out, seems women need some "magical" reason to see a guy again, where as a men just likes to enjoy her companionship/company and he's all for a 2nd date.

 

The bolded is simply not true. If the man is not attracted on the first date--if he can't imagine wanting to get naked with this person--he is not all for a 2nd date.

 

The difference is that a man probably won't go on a FIRST date without physical attraction, but a woman will...hoping that "chemistry" will reveal itself on the date and physical attraction will follow.

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It doesn't work like that. I have dated TONS [and I mean tons] of guys who were awesome and we had a good time, yet never went anywhere beyond a few dates, some, didn't get go beyond a first.

 

Odd, because it worked out perfect for me. You don't have to have a relationship just because someone is right for you. I wanted a relationship with someone who I felt was MADE for me.

 

My lifetime number of first dates is only 9, so I had to give relationships every possible chance to bloom. Throwing away an opportunity could mean a long dry spell before the next first date. Therefore, a first date had to be pretty bad for me to not want to give a 2nd date a try.

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miss_jaclynrae
My lifetime number of first dates is only 9, so I had to give relationships every possible chance to bloom. Throwing away an opportunity could mean a long dry spell before the next first date. Therefore, a first date had to be pretty bad for me to not want to give a 2nd date a try.

 

That is fine if that is what works for YOU, but you can't expect the people you date to feel the same.

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That is fine if that is what works for YOU, but you can't expect the people you date to feel the same.

 

Trust me, they didn't. I had to learn to just take what I could get. I guess the most frustrating part is how "chemistry" seems to be completely under the woman's terms. Like I posted earlier, how/why my wife was drawn to me is just as inexplicable -- she somehow saw chemistry where I didn't -- as the lack or loss of attraction from the other women.

 

The OP didn't really pose much of a question but a good followup to his situational description might be should guys who struggle with dating be pickier about who they try to date and hold out for women who view chemistry in the same way these guys do? Or would that be hopeless? So far, this thread's message is that the way chemistry is viewed by women is correct while the way chemistry is viewed by guys (at least the struggling ones) is wrong.

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Women expect the real world to be like romantic comedies where the world stops and its just you two and nobody else exists feeling the minute you meet

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This is, well, crazy! Some of us are very social. I can have a good time wherever I am with anyone in the world, simply because I'm outgoing and social and comfortable in my own skin. I just don't do "awkward" ie "bad dates". That doesn't mean I'm somehow obligated to continue dating someone just because it wasn't a horrible date. What is up with the entitlement?

 

I think that you and the OP need to reassess WHY you aren't getting dates, or second dates. You both put off a bit of an entitled vibe, and that is NOT attractive.

 

Sounds like you're leading guys on in a way that's analogous to how some guys lose interest in a woman once they've slept with them. Granted, I'm sure I took dating more seriously than I should have. When you struggle as a guy, there's a lot of pressure to try and catch up to a "normal" level of success. It makes the meeting and early dating stages a lot of work. And then you have to deal with dates that are turning the woman completely off but you don't know it because she's acting like she's having a good time ... Sheesh.

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And then you have to deal with dates that are turning the woman completely off but you don't know it because she's acting like she's having a good time ... Sheesh.

 

What do you want her to do? avoid eye contact and not speak the whole night? Gee - how awkward would that be!! Wouldn't you rather have a nice enough night and that be all it turns out to be than feel like a comedian dying on stage for 2hrs of your life you'll never get back??

 

Plus people are raised to do that? Or at least I was, and i'm a lad, its manners isn't it! I was raised not to be rude - so whether or not I naturally get on with a guy or girl i'll make an effort to get on with them - i'll make an effort to talk to them...and sometimes it is exactly that, a hell of an effort, but there'll hopefully walk away thinking 'he's a decent lad', and if they don't then its not my fault cause I tried....for no other particular reason than that that was how I was brought up, and that you never know when someone's impression of you might count for something!

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I guess the most frustrating part is how "chemistry" seems to be completely under the woman's terms. Like I posted earlier, how/why my wife was drawn to me is just as inexplicable -- she somehow saw chemistry where I didn't -- as the lack or loss of attraction from the other women.

 

It sounds like you married a woman with whom you don't feel chemistry. And, based on your posts here, you are unsatisfied with your relationship and your sex life.

 

That's why people (not just women) walk away when there is no chemistry. We want fully satisfying marriages, not to be forever wondering "what if?".

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The difference is that a man probably won't go on a FIRST date without physical attraction, but a woman will...hoping that "chemistry" will reveal itself on the date and physical attraction will follow.
I think this is the nub of the issue.

 

At least in my world, if I'm not sexually attracted to a woman, I won't bother approaching her and asking her out, so "chemistry" is never an issue from my perspective. But I've learned on this forum that sometimes women will go out with a man they aren't necessarily attracted to, which is when "chemistry" (or lack thereof) enters the picture.

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Chemistry is something you either have or don't have. Full stop. In my experience, it's never blossomed out of a friendship.

I have great male friends with whom I can talk for hours, about everything under the sun and more, and be completely relaxed and happy around, but with whom I share zero sexual chemistry. Then there was my boyfriend, whom I felt an undeniable, undefinable attraction to almost from the word go. This rare connection we had was one of the reasons I worked so hard to make things work in the relationship. To me, he was (and still is) the most attractive man in the world, and I wouldn't be surprised if I never find a connection of the same intensity with anyone else ever again.

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TheBigQuestion
This is, well, crazy! Some of us are very social. I can have a good time wherever I am with anyone in the world, simply because I'm outgoing and social and comfortable in my own skin. I just don't do "awkward" ie "bad dates". That doesn't mean I'm somehow obligated to continue dating someone just because it wasn't a horrible date. What is up with the entitlement?

 

I think that you and the OP need to reassess WHY you aren't getting dates, or second dates. You both put off a bit of an entitled vibe, and that is NOT attractive.

 

The only thing these posters are saying they are entitled to is the basic common courtesy of having an unambiguous response after a first date, rather than making up excuses or being evasive.

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Chemistry can mean a couple of things when a lady says it these days.*

 

Chermistry = lady boner.

 

 

Women are taught to be coy and dainty about how they put things. This is in part possible because of a womans physiology and the clothing we wear. Every part of a woman that would show she is, in fact, horny or not horny is always covered. While a mans boner is obvious or not. This means women can, will and are encouraged to lie about what turns them on to an extent.

 

 

The upshot for this thread is that chemistry means horniness.

 

 

Chemitry = compatibility.

 

 

If the woman has known you for a while she may use the word chemistry when she means compatibility. Usually such a woman is used to getting a lady boner over some hard abs and broad shoulders. So when she falls for a guy who she gets along with mentally who isn't her usual physical type she also calls that chemistry. This kind of chemistry can and does grow out of genuine friendship. (Not the kind where the woman uses you for services and favors and otherwise ignores or even avoids you.)

 

 

 

 

IRC333, for your situations, online dating, is all about the man boner and the lady boner. If that boner isn't at least moving a little on looks alone... then forget it. (Perhaps you should just leave POF and such places alone. They are a meat market for people looking to hook up but who are in denial about what it really is.)

 

 

*Yes some men play this word game too. However I think they are mostly enjoying giving a woman a line they got from a woman at one point.

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