Online affair gone bad :( Please help (Very long)

[seekingwisdom]

My situation is long and complicated – like everyone’s lol- and I thank you all in advance for taking the time to read and assess it. May I also state that I am in a particularly fragile state of mind, so please do not lambast me regarding some of the things you are about to hear.

 

My marriage of 7 years to my childhood sweetheart of 13 years, my only real boyfriend, ended recently. We are separated and comfortable allowing each other to date during this time as we don’t know if we would ever want to reconcile in the future. This was the result of a year of soul searching and counselling and joint marriage counselling for a few sessions. The marriage had been in the final stages of terminal shut down for about a year. Prior to this stage, I had always been strictly sexually and emotionally monogamous. Due to our distancing so severely from each other, for reasons which could constitute an entirely different post, I began ‘acting out’ and seeking affection and attention outside my marriage. This was unconscious and harmless at the beginning = looking at other guys, chatting to them. Then I would begin to get to know the individual more and form very strong friendship bonds. Yet elements of sexuality were encroaching onto these relationships, the touch on the arm, the arousal, the looks, etc. Whilst in my marriage, I never broke my promise to be monogamous and certainly never sexually cheated in any way, but I did become emotionally involved with two men.

 

The first situation was 10 months ago and I was unaware of what I was doing or why, and the two of us ended all contact completely. The second situation, I was aware of my ‘acting out’ behaviour, but knew the marriage was ending and felt desperately lonely and in need of support through the break up crisis. My second emotional involvement did overlap my marriage by a few weeks. I met this individual, let’s call him Jack, through a sport in which we are mutually involved. There is a huge online community surrounding our sport as the internet is used as a place for tips, discussions, advertisements for events, etc. We met in January of this year and for 6 months were only ever friends and jokesters. We were oviously lonely as the myself, jack and many other people would meet up in this sports chat room ‘happy hour’.

 

We’d take the discussions outside of the public chatroom into groups individually. Eventually, Jack and I start chatting alone. I was distraught over my husband coming home from a business trip to Russia with laundry stinking of perfume and smeared in makeup. I was seeking another male opinion on the situation. Jack was very kind and told me to forgive and forget as life is too short to argue over these things. As we began to discuss philosophy and psychology and our thoughts on life, I began to trust him , trust that he was not talking to me because of my looks, nor for a sexual purpose, but because we were friends. Also, I felt safe because Jack was in a 3 year relationship with two young children as well, like myself. We began exchanging information about our personal lives, pictures of our children, etc and eventually became extremely close on a friendship level. We began to get more personal regarding the information we shared, such as the fact that Jack had sex only 5 times with his partner in the last 6 months and was very upset/rejected because of it. After exchanging long life stories- initiated by Jack as a way to get to know one another better-we discovered that our life stories were an almost identical fit. We identified on every level intellectually, and spiritually. One night, Jack asked if I wanted to have an msn affair? We both laughed and played it off, but the conversation eventually turned to our sexual preferences, which we found matched with astounding parallelness. We were excited to know that, actually, there was someone out there that could understand us on a personal/psychological/spiritual/ and sexual level. This accelerated our feelings towards each other even more. At this point, my husband had moved out for a while and my feelings, not clouded with guilt, began to blossom as did Jack’s. Then we began to feel guilty for these feelings, these thoughts that stretched beyond the bounds of our conversations and became waking dreams. We tried protesting it was not ‘real’, but our relationship very much became real. We were haunted by our lack of ability to touch each other or communicate at our own free will. We spoke every night on the internet for 4-5 hours for the past two months and, after exchanging phone numbers, he began to ring me several times a day as well. We both felt excited and valued and in need of talking to the other person. We began to discuss how our feelings towards one another that stretched much further than our time spent actually talking. He began sending me small gifts related to our sport. We began to say ‘I love you’ and explain why in touching ways.

 

His friendship, advice and comfort supported me greatly through the loneliness of a seperation and the difficulties of being a single mother. He also began coaching me in the sport which we both participated.

 

Jack began to discuss leaving his partner (I NEVER ASKED HIM TO DO THIS OR PUSHED FOR THIS AND ONLY EVER TRIED TO COUNSEL HIM TO HER POINT OF VIEW AND EVEN SAID IT WOULD BE EASIER FOR HIM IF HE STAYED WITH HER) Jack’s partner was someone who ‘forgot’ to take her pill (twice) and had ended up pregnant two times while Jack thought she was safe from this. The first time she got pregnant was 5 months into their relationship. She is also still married, yet separated from her husband with a child from the previous marriage to care for. She was emotionally vulnerable and needy and having sex all around town in a backwards effort to overcome the abuse she had also suffered as a child. Jack pitied her, took her in and took care of her , but their sexual relationship dwindled after about 6 months- the only real foundation for the relationship. Jack’s children are the love of his life, as he also came from a dysfunctional background. His need to provide a stabilised life for his children began to worry him about splitting up from his partner.

 

Eventually we decided to meet one day. We thought that it was necessary to see if our feelings carried out in reality. We thought perhaps that it might solve our dilemma altogether in that we might not feel the frission at all. So we set up some ground rules. We had a wonderful time and behaved like children. He held my hand and we talked and talked and talked. We’d agreed to have no sexual contact as we didn’t want Jack to be a cheater leaving or staying in the relationship and I did not want the devastation of possible rejection in the future should he decide to not leave his partner. We discussed our life ambitions, our hopes and dreams both individually and together and committed to being friends no matter the outcome of our situation as we shared a deep understanding of the other. We did discuss arrangements with regard to dating one another slowly in future when he was single and how that would work, as we live two hours apart, and even went so far as to explore whether or not we wanted any more children, etc. We did pretty well with the no sexual contact thing until the end when we did kiss. I realised that I could not see him again until he was single as the danger of being within 2 feet of him was too great and I’d end up being physical with him. Also, it was heartbreaking to watch someone I knew and cared for so much walk away. I don’t need that in my life right now! I told him so and as he left, he hugged me and said ‘it might be a while before we see each other again, a few months’. It was incredible and we were both in tears when our meeting was over. We phoned consistently to check the other was alright the next few days.

 

Our discussions the next week were filled with our plans and our feelings for each other. He kept sending me training tapes of our sport and his club tshirt and told me to sleep in it. I told Jack that our ‘friendship’ could not go on forever in this way, as we had to make a decision eventually as to whether or not we would become a real relationship. I felt that my heart time and thoughts are completely involved with someone who is essentially unavailable to me. Jack had said many times before that he was leaving the relationship in New Year, as he is currently on a business/sport related holiday in Thailand for two weeks and did not want to devastate his family before the holidays. So I set early January as my deadline mentally.

 

One evening, after a huge emotional high ( a week and a half ago) in Jack’s work/sporting career and a special closeness with our relationship resulting from the celebratory mood, he started to treat me strangely. He said he wanted to ‘distance himself a bit’ and how our relationship was ‘nice and fun, but not real’ and things that were COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER to what he normally says to me. I got, understandably upset by his sudden and unexplained rejection. Found out later that he told me that his wife had found a text from me congratulation him the day before and it said the word ‘baby’ in it. Obviously and rightly , she got very upset and confronted him. They discussed separating again in the new year if they could not get along. Basically, Jack told me later, he could not stand the thought of another man raising his children! I think he felt that she might do with another man what she did to him.

 

I was angry at first and did not want to maintain any contact at all, partly out of anger, but also because i know that he will never make things work with his partner if he is spending every available spare moment talking to me! but Jack convinced me that it would be wrong to do that and that I was his ‘best friend’. We decided to be ‘just friends’ and not talk about ‘us’ or sex or ‘love’ so for a few days I asked few questions for my own ‘closure’ and then I busied myself in order to get my mind off this difficult situation I set myself up in and give ‘us’ some space. The announcement that he needed space in order to ‘give his relationship a last go, so that he could walk out with a clear conscience’ was on Monday. On Friday morning, I got about 10 txts from jack. He was excited and said that they’d argued again and talked about a lot of their issues and that she had promised that if they split after New Year that she would not have another man come and live in the house with his children. He said he was ‘relieved’ to know that ‘but its not over yet so I (he) should be positive’ . Now, I responded as a ‘friend’ to these texts and was very encouraging to him about it being positive that they discussed things and got their issues out into the open. But of course in my heart, I was encouraged…. I felt that, knowing her lack of psychological insight thus far, it is unlikely she will be able to profoundly change her behaviours and I might be able to date Jack!!!! Over the next day or so, we chatted a lot online and he did end up telling me again that he loved me.

 

On Monday, I rang him as we usually do, and told him I’d written him a letter regarding how I felt that I wanted him to read before he left to go abroad for 2 weeks. I felt that he had left me some space to fight in the relationship. We talked for 30 mins, but he was a bit distant and when I asked him if I should send the letter, he said, “it’s probably best if you don’t, I don’t want to cloud my head”. I went away from the conversation feeling angry, in that he can tell me how he feels regarding his life and relationship, but the exression of my feelings in regards to us was taboo. I texted him to say this, and a flurry of txts passed between us wherein I said ‘hey, you used to bluntly tell me what you thought of my ex husband and I and now it’s my turn’ and he was saying ‘yes I do love you but not like I do my family (his kids) My last text was describing our meeting and how real that was for us. He then txted me this message “Leave it there please, I enjoyed our time together but leave me alone now’ I wrote back “I guess this is goodbye, want to be clear, I wish you all the best” He wrote back “and you too, take care ok”.

 

Now I’m desperately worried that he is worried about me being a ‘bunny boiler’ – as he expressed this fear a few times in our communications. These horrible thoughts will be ruining his long awaited trip and I’m very upset for that. At the time I wrote all those texts, despite his wishes, I felt justified because I was hurt and angry. I felt like our communications were NOT 50/50 in terms of discussing our feelings.

 

The way we left it has made feel insane. “Please leave me alone now” sounds like something you say to a stalker. I feel incredibly ashamed and upset that he might feel this way about me. Put that on top of the stress of being recently separated and having two children, plus the flu and you have one very messed up 28 year old.

 

I have had several days of no contact now, and I’m wondering if I should or should not send him a brief email along these lines at some point in the next week:

 

I’m sorry that I upset you. I was hurt and angry that you would not listen to my feelings,but that I listened to yours. I felt that I needed to drive you away because I could not handle being your friend . I know that the timing was horrible given that you were going on holiday and you would compulsively worry about me freaking out and messing up your life. I am very very sorry I did not put your feelings in this situation as a higher priority.

 

I wanted to reassure you that I would NEVER do anything to mess up your life and I wholly support whatever choices you make. I will not contact you again as you asked, but I just wanted you to know that I miss our friendship and your support more than I’d imagined and I’m sorry I went about ruining it. I would have loved to share your journey. I guess I didn’t realise how much I was messing up by laying it on the line.

 

I am realising that I need you as a friend, more than anything else. But I guess I also understand if you don’t’ want to speak to me ever again. If you did, maybe we could lay out some groundrules to avoid us both getting upset.

 

 

What do you all think of this? letter or no contact at all.

 

I will miss his friendship terribly if we do not get to talk again. We were really successfully investigating our childhood traumas and spirituality in a positive way before this incident - outside of a 'romantic' relationship.

 

I would welcome comments on any aspect of my story.

[LucreziaBorgia]

No letter. If he already is thinking of you as a stalker and/or a threat to his relationship with his family - then he will for sure if you keep contacting him. It was fun while it lasted, and while it was happening it may have been very 'real' but he backed out, and made it clear that you not contact him again. I know you want to have it resoved, but anything you do now will just aggravate the situation. You want to let him know that that you need him, and that you want him to come back to you (you dropped that "if you did" in there - which is a dead giveaway that this note is designed to try to get him back). The problem is that he doesn't feel the same way. He made the perfectly clear.

 

The story I'd be interested in is the wife's and how closely it matches his. I'd wager they'd have very different stories to tell.

 

As for you, it will not be easy after a break like that particularly after what you've already been through. Give yourself time, and then more time and move on.

[Mary3]

I can certainly understand everything you went through and how you came to the point of turning to someone to fulfill your emotional needs.

 

But first, you dont really know about his wife other than what he tells you ...( 5 sex sesssions in 6 months, all the rest ) ....I noticed that HE initiated the Online Romance Affair ie ; sex cyberland....

 

When it got too much for him he wanted to end it...

 

The lesson learned here is : You are very vulnerable right now and need emotional needs met and you will continue to do just that on the internet or elsewhere. You need to either find a solution to getting your husband to meet those needs or you need to properly end your marraige so you can be totally free and available to do just that.

 

The internet love cycle happens to hundreds of thousands of people because " It is there " It is a new means to communicate, have affairs , cheat , and is here with us to stay.

 

But the beginning of your letter said " I didnt cheat , but became emotionally involved with someone. When your energy is directed to another person other than your spouse you are creating a situation that is unfair to your husband and the emotional affair * IS * cheating....cheating your husband out of a fair marraige to be aware of everything thing you do, everything you think , everything you plan. And if those plans dont include him you can't have an objective view of your marraige.

 

Get help or get out.

[seekingwisdom]

Hello all

 

Thank you for commenting and sharing your thoughts with regard to my dilemma.

 

I would like to respond to Mary3. You state that either I need to get my needs met by my husband or get out of the relationship. I am out of the relationship. We are seperated (must remain so for a certain length of time before divorce is allowed).

 

When the first emotional involvement occurred 10 months ago, I was so frightened by it and my feelings that I sat down a wrote a huge letter to my husband at the prompting of my therapist. The letter covered the ways in which I felt that we could promote positive change in our relationship, rather than mentioning or focusing on how my husband neglected me and withdrew into his own solitary activities for over 30 hours a week, did zero housework and displayed a somewhat apathetic attitude to his children, his health and whether or not he hurt us as a family by beign unable to control his shouting/insulting/name calling.

 

I know my husband's behaviours, in themselves are not healthy ways of being in a relationship, but I am also not naive enough to believe that they are his issues alone. Most certainly I am triggering some deep seated trauma in his past by my own behaviours that make him want to tdo this. But over the years, after seeking much therapy and reading reading reading, I feel like I have done ALOT of work towards promoting a healthy relationship between us. I feel like my husband HAS NOT. He sneered at counselling and relationship books. He insulted the need for them, that those who needed that couldn't figure it out for themselves. Don't get me wrong, he was not all bad, after all we were together for 13 years! Yet, in the end, he was firmly rooted in his behaviour and did not want to change until it was TOO late, i.e. I was literally telling him to go. So now he is making the changes.

 

As I said in my letter, the second more serious emotional involvement overlapped the end of my marriage by a few weeks. I had already made my decision to leave as I just WAS NOT hearing anythign positive from my husband, things were getting worse, and my children's lives were suffering. Our seperation is very amicable which certainly leads me to believe that, in our case, perhaps it was something a long time in coming. I have not completely close my heart to my husband, I dont' think that could ever be done as we've been together since childood. But I think that the amount of psychological work and healign that we both need to do cannot 1. be done together, we were spiralling downwards together 2.will take a very long time. In addition, I felt that we had NEVER been apart and NEEDED to individuate.

 

I will be certain to red flag these behaviours of mine in the future. It is not a positive way to deal with getting my needs met. Saying that, Ihave some wonderful girlfriends online and we go along way towards helpign each other figure out the world. I'm just not sure now if that relationship can ever be shared between man and woman. Yes, my online guy DID initiate and when it got too real, he ended it. He has a history of backing out on intense emotional experiences. It is not a surprise.

[seekingwisdom]

Thanks again Mary3 for responding.

[Devildog]

Your response sounds alot like my wife. You put all this effort into trying to save your marriage, and he wasn't willing to try, but when you seperated and he had to realize what was really happening he made attempts to get help and change. So now he is where you wanted him, and now you don't feel like trying anymore. When he is doing what you said you wanted him to do, you are going to give up. Why? Why run a marathon, and get 2 feet from the finish line and say "Screw it, I don't want to finish it."?

 

Personally, I think you don't want to be in the marriage and you are using the "too little, too late" route to lay the fault on his doorstep.

 

As someone who can see your husband's point of view, let me give you some food for thought. Maybe he didn't know how to fix the problems. Maybe he was unsure of what the problems even were. Maybe he felt that his attempts to make things better were not met with much appreciation or reciprocation.

 

Neither of you understands the other because men and women have different wants and needs. Counseling would very likely help you tremendously. Yeah, it would take some time and there will be ups and downs, but the people that I have talked to that have gone the counseling route have rarely ever regretted it and their marriages are 20 times better than they had ever been before.

[seekingwisdom]

Hi Devildog!

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

I feel your pain.

 

I wanted to bring these lines I wrote above to your attention again:

 

I have not completely closed my heart to my husband, I dont' think that could ever be done as we've been together since childood. But I think that the amount of psychological work and healing that we both need to do cannot 1. be done together, we were spiralling downwards together 2.will take a very long time. In addition, I felt that we had NEVER been apart and NEEDED to individuate.

 

I think it was a bit hurtful to say that 'personally you just think i dont' WANT to be in the relationship anymore'. Perhaps that is the hurt you are feeling coming out. I'm sorry for that.

 

What I am saying is not that all hope is lost eternally in the future, but that I need time and space to heal and feel like my own strong person again. We have been co-dependent for as long as I can remember. My husband cannot just *change* overnight or in a few short months. It is more than words and more than a few weeks of 'being good'. I need to see real substantial changes that are ongoing and lasting before I allow him back into my heart and into my home. I will NOT put myself through all of that, nor my children, just because I feel lonely and want to 'finish the marathon'. I am not unwilling to attend counselling again at SOME point in the future. I have even told him that maybe one day in the future, when it is not so raw, we could go on a date.

 

Furthermore, I'm not sure he'd even want me in his life if I'd disclosed all of this information. I'm not even sure that disclosing it would do anyone any good, other than to assuage my feelings of 'guilt'. A simple "I sought male attention outside of our marriage because of a) b) c) would suffice. The issue is our problems - not the fallout. I could focus on his solitary pursuits as the 'cause' of our difficulties, but they are not. They are symptoms.

 

 

Finally, I actually felt love for somone else. Love that I should have felt for my partner. Love is eaten away after so many years of resentment and solitude and verbal abuse. If you're lucky, there is still an ember buried to fan. Yet it takes a long time to clear away the ashes and rebuild the fire.

 

If you wanted to talk to me further as you are where my husband and I are at, I'd be more than willing to offer you my point of view. The saddest part of the whole situation is that nobody is right or wrong. We both have valid points and needs.

[seekingwisdom]

Devildog: I appreciate your comments regarding my husband possibly not understanding problems and/or not feeling appreciated when changes were made. It is certainly something I have thought of and we have discussed. Of course he has his side to the story. Of course he has his reasoning. Now, he is willing to work. 10 months ago I told him our marriage was crumbling and, without blaming or going into why, what i thought we could do to remedy that. He never addressed the important issues. He had everyopportunity to do so. I asked him for 10 hours a week together as 'our time'. I wanted an hour a day to talk and hold each other and maybe a weekend night. The reason my request was specific is that we have argued over him giving me affection for so long, and I have let him 'give what he wanted and was comfortable with' and it resulted in me getting very little and feeling like s)*&T after months. He was unwilling to give me even a commitment to 10 hours (15 recommended on marriage builders site! when marriage is in trouble)! He has a huge phobia of being 'controlled' as a result of his issues from the past.

 

Regardless, they are just that: HIS ISSUES. I have gone as far as I can go. And until he presents himself and says the things I know will indicate his self awareness, I am not willing to be in the relationship. Even if he did, i don't know if I'd still have any love there. We would have to take it slowly.

 

People underestimate how much years of neglect can lead to a loss of love. Ever heard of the sour grapes theory? But think of it in a new way. You have to drag someone to do something, or upset your life to the point of HELL for everyone involved. THEN THE PERSON IS READY TO CHANGE. It is a 'parent-child' dynamic going on there that is awfully unnattractive. When the person eventually does what you beat your head against the wall for them to do, you dont' really want it anymore. Or rather, you don't want them. No one wants to have to 'school' someone. PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY! THE KEY WORD.

[Devildog]

Are you sure you are from Oregon? I could swear I was talking to my wife. You have said almost word for word what she said. I think we can help each other. I see what your husband is going through and understand his point of view, and you have said almost word for word what my wife says. I can offer you insight and understanding into your husband's mind and you can offer me insight into how to work things out with my wife. What do you think?

 

If you are like myself, and most people in general, you can probably see other people's problems very plainly. But we hardly ever see our own problems. We are to close to them, because they are us. A seperation can help you step back and see the bigger picture, which I think is what is happening with your husband right now. But all the problems are not just his fault. That is one of the reasons I suggest counseling. You have a hard time seeing each other's point of view. But if an outside neutral party is with you they will be able to help get the points across and also tell you if a demand or desire is unreasonable and why.

 

Right now your husband is very confused. Don't be surprised if he says and does things that will really hurt the situation. His judgement is clouded by his emotions. I know I have said and done some things in my marriage and this separation that have really set things back. I didn't do them intentionally, but my emotions clouded over my reason. Expect this from your husband and try to remember he isn't being entirely rational, so don't hold it against him too much. It will be hard I know.

 

One thing I will say about my situation though. Hearing my side of the story, and I know it is just one sided, but my counselor knows where all my anger is coming from. My wife hasn't been seeing what I do in the relationship and has only focused on what I didn't do. And she never really gave much back to me in return. My counselor feels that I am only about 20% of the problem. My wife has been a larger part of the problem than she has cared to admit. I don't know what your exact situation is, but you may want to take some time and really look at what you have given to the relationship. Be especially hard on yourself.

 

Just don't wait too long to try to get things worked out. Sooner or later your husband will give up if he is getting nowhere with reconciling things with you. I understand you need some space, but try to focus on your marriage during the separation. Do not focus on the online romance guy and don't try to stay in contact with him. It isn't fair to your marriage. If you do not focus on just your husband you will fall into the "out of sight out of mind" mentality and that won't help.

[seekingwisdom]

Hi Devildog,

 

What you propose sounds good.

 

I spent a moment or two reading your first posts about your seperation.

 

Let me tell you this, had my husband in any way gone about the soul-searching, evident through counselling and letter writing, that you have done instead of just defending his points, then I would be seriously considering reconciliation at this point.

 

The loss of your child is a serious issue and one that she needs to address, as you well know.

 

But it is not the only issue. In your therapy , it is most important that you figure YOU out.

 

I will be on later to write more.

 

bye

[SoleMate]

Some thoughts for you:

 

1) Definitely don't write Jack ANY letter or communicate with him in anyway. Paradoxically, this is the best way to let him know that you are willing and able to detach, and that you wouldn't dream of hurting him

 

2) You are getting off way lighter/less hurt from your cyber/virtual affair than many others, because you were smart enough to limit it

 

3) What happened between you and Jack was at least as much his impetus as it was yours, so don't blame yourself as a "bunny boiler". I couldn't help overlooking that Jack's CURRENT relationship was also founded on him consoling a woman in a troubled marriage. Whatever else we can say, it appears he has turned this into a pattern. Not saying he's a creep or a predator, but it does appear that it has been easier and more comfortable for him to console you rather than work on the relationship he was already in. It's quite possible that if your fantasy of marrying Jack came true, he would again repeat this pattern and turn his attention to some other damsel in distress and neglect you

 

4) Based on #4, I have to let you know that (IMO) your friendship with Jack is now over. You can have a small place in your heart for him, but you can't see him or talk to him ever again. And I know that hurts, because for months now, he has been your closest confidant, and your hopes have all been centered around him

 

5) I would advise letting go of Jack and fully grieving his loss. Because he IS gone.

 

6) Once you find your intense focus on Jack fading a bit, then it can be time to think about your marriage. That's a separate issue - and your story is SO familiar. It almost sounds like there's a "Man's Guide to Marriage" that tells men how to push their wives away and drive them to desperation, while the men go on thinking that they're doing a great job and being quite a role model hubby. I too told my husband repeatedly that our marriage was "crumbling" and "falling apart" - I used those terms literally and liberally, somehow thinking that it would motivate him to action, kind of like saying "the toilet is overflowing". It didn't. He just did his best to jam his fingers in his ears and not hear

 

7) I was about to recommend http://www.marriagebuilders.com, but then I saw that you were already doing your best to follow their specific advice. So pats on the back again, you are taking some powerful and positive steps to save your marriage

 

8) You've had a man at your side basically ever since puberty, right? That also is a familiar pattern for women. The men are always there, and they keep showing up and hanging onto you, so you pick the best available, rather than actually deciding what you want and going "manless" while you seek that person out. It may make sense for you to end your marriage - I don't really know - but if you did, I would hope that there was NOT a man waiting out there. Then you get a chance to be yourself and clear your head. Any r/s with a man takes up a lot of space in your head and skews your decision making. It may be better to focus on yourself and the kids for now

 

9) Cut yourself some slack. You're grieving, you're ill with flu and probably throwing up right now, the kids either have been or will be throwing up also , you have financial stress (perhaps?) and you have a whole boatload of uncertainty hanging over your head. In your shoes, just sheer day-to-day survival is a triumph to be celebrated!

[Mary3]

Its sounds VERY possible your husband suffers from depression .

 

I know he exibits many of the signs...apathy..lethargic body...disinterest....and so on. Now if you can understand depression is an ILLNESS and is treated by counseling and/ or meds. Knowing this is a possibility , your husband takes great effort to get through each day let alone deal with you and the kids. Its overwhelming and it takes all he has to doing even the simple things. He cannot 100% give you all the support you need until he gets that help.

 

I don't judge you on what happened because if you knock on your neighbors door or the one next to her, chances are they might have infidelities, cyber loves, crisis, depression , ill intent and they might be giving up on their marraiges for all you know...

 

I think that the internet lover was just that....many many women have fallen prey to this because they are lonely and here is this wonderful man providing all we need...did you notice it eventually leads to sex ? If that is so...well then we know its just a new way for some men ( not all ) to capitalize on the misery of another and woooo their way into the hearts of lonely vulnerable women.

 

If you can understand that over the years you each did things to eachother making * withdrawls * from the Love Bank. Please try to make a deposit back into the account....Through kinds words and actions....no BLAME ! And maybe...just maybe....your marriage can survive

 

You have alot of work ahead of you if you want this to mend

[Devildog]

Oh yes, depression can be a very powerful influence on your husband's reactions. It is one of the problems I have to deal with, and it really sucks that even though my wife knows that I suffer from it, has suspected it for quite some time, and when it was diagnosed she wasn't willing to help me out with it at all. She has added to the depression with her actions.

 

But from my own experience, you can't tell someone they suffer from depression. It is something they have to realize on their own. I had sooooo many people telling me I had a problem, and I refused to listen. I finally saw it and got help through medication and counselling and it is helping, but it is still a long road ahead for me.

 

Let me tell you this, had my husband in any way gone about the soul-searching, evident through counselling and letter writing, that you have done instead of just defending his points, then I would be seriously considering reconciliation at this point.

 

seekingwisdom, Perhaps you should sit down and consider what exactly you want and need from your husband in order to get your marriage back on track. If he is getting counselling he is making an effort and having some goals to guide him might help. But make it clear that this has to be an ongoing thing. He might fall into the mindset that once you get back together his work is done. But that isn't the case, it is something that both of you will have to continue working towards together.

 

Defending one's position is a natural instinct. No one likes to admit they are wrong. I know my wife to this day still refuses to say what she has done was wrong. She won't say it is right, but she won't admit it is wrong either, even when the rest of the world tells her it was very wrong and disrespectful to me and our marriage. Have you been willing to see and admit to any of your faults in the problem?