The separation of sex and love. What do you think?

[Mitch]

What do you all think about the issue of separating sex and love? There are a lot of people who believe that they can love their partner, but also have their sexual affairs on the side without regrets. I'm interested in what people think of the love for their partners. Is it true love or just a phoney type of love, or in other words companionship and security? All the temptations out there cannot be ignored by most so it seems.

[Tony T]

All of the following are my opinions. While they may be factually incorrect, it is not incorrect that they are my opinions.

 

From a biological and evolutionary perspective, love, romantic love that is, is a feeling of deep caring and concern for another individual and a strong desire to be with that person and share in that person's life. There is no particular link to sex for many men.

 

Many women are inclined to take the above definition a bit further and link love to sex, in the context of having an intimate personal union with the beloved...often leading to procreation (an evolutionary mandate). I think that women are more inclined to link love and sex because of upbringing, morals, etc. rather than a true link...because many women are able to have sex with strangers with no problem whatsoever. For many, then, the sex becomes more acceptable to them morally if it is linked to their feelings of love. This feeling of love also legitimizes any offspring that may result from a sexual union, whereby a having a child without the presence of love becomes more difficult to handle emotionally for some people.

 

Advanced birth control in the last 30 years has allowed a great deal more promiscuity, or sex without love, than ever before. It's a great feeling, what can I say. Lots of people can be sexually attracted to each other to the point of having intercourse without any level of love...or even a rudimentary knowledge of each other personally. In my opinion, this is pure sex and as long as both adults agree to it there is nothing particularly wrong.

 

For those whose religious beliefs clash with the idea of sex outside of marriage or sex without love, I say that God (whoever you believe Him/Her to be) is a just God and would not have a problem with humans using a function which He/She did an excellent job of creating for humans.

 

There are many women who become far more attached to someone they may previously not have had tremendous feelings for once they have had sex with them

 

There are some women and men who prefer not to use the word sex...but rather to use "making love."

 

It is absolutely possible to love more than one person at a time. Our society has not wanted to come to grips with this and it is, for the most part, unacceptable to permit one's partner to have other lovers. It is possible to love others without having sex just as it's possible to have sex without being in love or having loving feelings.

 

Sex can be an expression of love for some...while those same people can have sex with others just for the fun of it. And sex can simply be sex for some. A lot of attitudes may depend on a persons age or stage of emotional development.

 

There post put up in the last day or two in which two men resolved their mutual love for one girl by agreeing to share her in a living situation. The girl, who agreed to this arrangement, quickly went out to have sex with a third male. Yes, believe it or not...it is posted right here on this forum.

 

I know this dissertation could go on for days, but for those who don't have a lot of time to read on I will say here that the separation of love and sex is completely unique for every individual. While there are many who make a distinct mental link of the two, there are many more who do not. And there are some who once made that link when their mindset was more idealistic who changed their opinion when circumstances made it more convenient not to.

 

A man can love his spouse or partner more than anyone in the world and enjoy having sex with another person if he does not have a sense of committment, if he is tempted, or if he feels neglected at home. So can a woman. It happens every day.

 

Two people can live together and love each other and seldom have sex. Two other people can live together and have sex often but not be in love. Both happen all the time.

 

Love for a person can grow over time. For some it has a great deal to do with companionship and security. There are many women who would not marry a man they loved if he could not offer the security in life they seek.

 

The more I write, the more I see this could turn into a book so I'm going to stop here. There is really way to much to properyly address this subject and no one answer...no good answer...no verifiable answer...because the answer is different for each person.

 

The separation of love and sex...or the link of the two...and the degree to which that separation or link exists...is completely determined in each person's mind based on their own beliefs, experiences, upbringing, religious considerations, etc.

 

Sorry. You may not have realized just how complicated a question you asked. Please understand these are only my opinions and there are lots and lots of others...so hang in there for your answer.

[Nic]

i might sound like a bit of a straight arse, but for me (and probably some others out there), when i am in truly in love with someone (which i have been once), there are no other temptations out there for me. but that's just me, and i've only been in love once.

 

for starters, i won't get involved in a relationship with a guy unless i feel it is 100% what i want, which would probably explain why i don't succumb to "temptation". sure, i will walk down the street and think, "ooh, he's nice looking", but if this good looking fella were to approach me and proposition me, i can guarantee that nothing would come of it. sure, i would be flattered, but being in a relationship that provides me with everything i need and want, is the number one reason i do not feel temptation. i would never jeopardise a wonderful relationship for one moment of temptation. but to some, it's a thrill. but as i said, i've only been in love once, and during that time, didn't have any outside temptations.

 

however, if i did feel temptation i wouldn't necessarily consider it a sign of the relationship not working, or not having my needs met. i know this sounds like i've contradicted my point above, but i suppose what i am trying to express, is that as yet, i have never been tempted by another person while in love with someone. geez, this is so hard to explain!!!!! people are tempted all the time by another, even those who are in loving relationships. i think it is all just human nature to find people attractive. we will always find other people attractive. to be in love with someone and say you will never find someone else attractive is absurd. fantasies occur with even the most happily married of people. that too is normal. whether or not you act on this attraction or temptation is a different story....

 

if i was in a loving relationship and totally trusted the guy, and found out he was having sex on the side, i would promptly have his guts for garters. i would never be in an "open relationship" either. personally, making love is something that is exclusive to me and my partner, and i would not like to share that around. but that's just me. i could never have an affair with no regrets. i could never disrespect someone i love like that. i have witnessed the pain and suffering affairs causes people, and i could never do that to someone. i have only ever treated a guy the way i have wanted to be treated.

 

on the other hand, i believe that for a lot of single people out there who aren't in love with someone, it is very easy to be able to just "have sex" with someone. people do it all the time. it is also very easy for single people who aren't in love to look for love through just "having sex". the 2 can easily be seperated, yet for some, there is a fine line to be drawn and sometimes confused about. to some "having sex" and "making love" are the same thing. to others, they're completely different.

 

wow. i'm starting to confuse myself now. what an interesting question you posed. i personally have many, many opinions on this topic, but i think i will leave it here now. i can sense i'm bringing someone close to tears of boredom right this very moment......

What do you all think about the issue of separating sex and love? There are a lot of people who believe that they can love their partner, but also have their sexual affairs on the side without regrets. I'm interested in what people think of the love for their partners. Is it true love or just a phoney type of love, or in other words companionship and security? All the temptations out there cannot be ignored by most so it seems.

[Ed]

I really want to put my two cents in on this subject. I suspect I will end up duplicating many of the thoughts that have previously been written. But, here goes....

 

Sex and love ARE two completely different things. To have any clear understanding of this topic, some definitions and/or assumptions must be made.

 

Sex is Sex (this one is pretty easy):

 

Sex is a physical, biological act that takes place between two individuals. It can range from simple touching to full blown intercourse. Sex takes place both with and without the presence of love. Of course, if love coexists with the sexual relationship, "the act" takes on a different meaning to the person(s) that are feeling the presensce of the love.

 

This leads me to...What is Love?

 

Answer - To hard to define....next subject!

 

Love means so many different things to so many different people. There are so many different kinds of love and it is felt to so many different degrees. Love is as unique and varied as there are people in the world.

 

Each of us must try to relate our own understanding and expectations of love to others. In turn, each of us must also be willing to listen to others understanding and expectations and not project ours onto them. In many cases, two people can love each other in very similar ways, and that works great for them without much conflict. But sometimes there almost has to be guidelines or rules laid down as to what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. And put on top of that, the fact that love will invariably change over time.

 

Go figure. It's no wonder why it's so hard to maintain long term relationships.

 

Happy Relating!