Are we actually good friends?

[Salee98]

I have a friend that I've known for about a year now. For as long as I can remember, during this friendship with him, I've always had issues with feeling slightly "inadequate" or "left out" or "ignored" or whatever you'd call it (particularly when I've hung out with him in group settings, which can be pretty often).

 

When I am invited to go hang out with him and his friends, he generally won't talk to me the whole time and instead gravitates toward his other friends. I first noticed this when I went on a stage to do karaoke with him and his friend. It seemed like they were both singing *with each other* and were interacting with each other on the stage, while they didn't look at me at all and I seemed to be up there alone, although I was supposed to be singing with them. I tried to get closer and join a bit but my friend kind of gave me a "what are you doing" look and I felt like I was intruding. I always would talk to his friends when we would go out (who were slowly becoming my friends too) but not really to him. Whenever I tried to talk to him in these settings he was pretty much just answering whatever I said and didn't extend the conversation, so I would leave it at that. Now all of these friends are people he's lived with. Currently I am my friend's roommate, and those other friends are still living together in their old place. The weird thing is, the same thing still happens as it did then (with him talking to them and not me), although I am now the one that he lives with.

 

This friend has openly admitted to me about having "favorites" (as in, favorite friends). He's actually told me which of his friends he likes better, and has said it more than once, while listing reasons why he didn't prefer the others. Then when I questioned him on it, he tried to play it off that he didn't mean it (but I really believe he did). The friend that he listed as his "favorite" when he was talking about who he liked best out of his old roommates, is the one that he talks to the most whenever we are out. So with that said, being that he doesn't really talk to me when we are out with them, it makes me wonder "where do I fit on this totem pole?". And honestly, it feels lame to even have to wonder that. I don't want to feel like I'm in a friendship competition...

 

He does talk to me when it's just him and I. He DID ask me to be his roommate, and we've had a lot of fun times. But I still feel bad in these situations. And actually, often times even when it's just him and I, I almost feel this weird distance at times and then at other times it feels we can be more open. My friend and I are very different people. I am introverted, he is very outgoing. I am a few years older than him too, and our goals in life are very different from each other. I don't know how much any of that stuff plays a role. I guess I'm just wondering if I should start to not put as much weight on his friendship anymore and find another friend that doesn't make me feel compared.

Edited October 6, 2013 by Salee98

[CC12]

I guess I'm just wondering if I should start to not put as much weight on his friendship anymore and find another friend that doesn't make me feel compared.

 

Yeah, I think you should not put as much weight on this friendship anymore. I'm not sure why you did in the first place. What I mean is, it doesn't sound as if you were close at one point and he's grown distant. He's always been the way he is. So I would think you're kind of asking too much from this friendship. Do you have romantic feelings for him?

 

You made it sound like you're considering replacing him with a new friend. I don't see why you would need to do that. You can make more friends, yes, but if you can enjoy his friendship for what it is, keep going out with him and his friends and having a good time with them.